December 8th, 2010

December 8th, 2010
2:49pm
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Hey Chels--
Ugh.  It is the first time I’m writing in 5 days.  I just feel so… tired.  I miss Ryan.  I haven’t heard from him since Saturday. Which was also “Eclipse” day.  I feel like I was counting down to the day I would get my heart ripped out of my chest.  I know that it’s probably for the best or whatever, but I have no idea what brought this on.  I wish we could have had a civilized conversation, not just had a fight and broke up over text message.  After 2 years of being together?  Lame.  But I have to admit that over the past few months, things just started getting weird.  We stopped talking on the phone (he used to call me a few times a week), I stopped texting him “good morning” when I woke up, and the fighting over the stupid shit.  Maybe he felt it too and he was just too stubborn to admit it.  At first, I was completely in love with him.  But after a while… I started to feel a little trapped.  I like to think that if I had still lived in Florida it would have been over way sooner.
The thing that gets to me the most is that as much as I tried to show him who I was, he only saw what he wanted to.  I’m not sure when this started but I saw it more clearly on the trip before this last one.  Also, it really upset me that he was way oversensitive about me being friends with you.  Like way over the normal amount of being upset over it.  Same as Brian.  I feel like there is something both of them aren’t telling me.  But I don’t care.

This is going to sound really odd but I feel like I need to say it or it’s gonna eat me up inside.  I think Ryan might have cheated on me.  Someone once told me that  one surefire way to know if a guy is cheating in a long distance relationship is this--he has problem staying hard.  In the almost 2 years I’ve been going down there, we have never had any trouble that first night.  Usually from that first night to the first few times after that, he has no problems getting hard or finishing.  Usually later in the trip, the more difficult it is for him to finish.  But this time… he didn’t stay hard until… Tuesday?  I don’t remember.  I chalked it up to him being tired that night, but I just thought it was strange because that should not have happened.  That and being crazy clingy missing me then freaking out about my next visit… something wasn’t right about it.
I have not told anyone about this.  And of course, there could be a completely reasonable explanation for the whole thing.  But I’m just gonna keep that in the back of my head.  I know better than to expect any sort of truthful explanation from him at all and I didn’t see anything in his house that would indicate his unfaithfulness, but then again it might have been one of the nights I didn’t hear from him (Monday and Tuesday of last week).
I also think it started when I started doing more for myself.  Paying for my own stuff, carrying my own bags, etc.  Just like all the other insecure men in my life.  I’m not even sure he realizes what “really” happened.  But… after I get over the shock of what happened, I’ll be fine.  I am sort of excited to be single for a while.  I sort of wish I had said no to the whole long distance thing.  But… I can’t erase what happened.  I can just move forward.

4:39pm