10/28/11

10/28/11

Good morning!
So, besides me calling you and texting you with drama, how was your birthday? {it was kind of awful.  I was sick, my mom was sick, Kendra's cupcakes were good but the top was kind of gross, and Monique was an hour late.  AND Barry never showed up.  granted, I didn't really invite him but he should have wanted to be with me on my birthday.}  All in all, I had a good night last night.  I went for drinks with my friend Ryan.  That's when Rory called and said Dad lost it.  I only believe it cause he has been more aggressive lately and flipping his shit.  My mom told me he didn't really hit U turn but she wasn't here.  I wasn't either though so I don't know what to think.  I just really want to get my license and move out somewhere far far away, but then I worry about "abandoning" my dad, you know?  It's hard to know what the right answer is.  Ugh my stomach hurts bad today but it's been acting funny lately anyway.  Stupid thyroid and stress issues.  So, I've been a baaaaad girl flirting and sending dirty pix to guys but it's fun.  I "sexted" with a guy last night and now he wants more and I'm like, uh no.  I mean why can't they just be happy with once for crying out loud?  Lmao.  It's harmless fun for me but only when I'm in the mood.  I don't care how bitchy, selfish or cocky I sound.  I'm just havin' some fun while I can.  With that being said, Yay!  I'm at 30 pages.  I can probably do 50 and send this today and get you the last 50 by next week.  If my thick envelope I sent Monday comes back here, I'll resend it and hopefully you know which order it all came in.  Those are numbered 1-32, this is 1-52 (I just used ALL the pages in the comp book.)  Umm sorry for all the pen smudges I'm not sure what happened.  But oh well, it is what it is.  my hand hurts but I don't care I wanna work on this!  I want to finish this bitch up and do my new notebook.  Lol. I can't believe Jessica asked me what's going on and then hung up on me.  Erica said her phone maybe was being screwy because that's the excuse Jess gives her.  But she's told me dozens of times that when she doesn't feel like talking anymore, she just hangs up.  It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't always sit there and listen to her bitch and complain about HER situation, you know?  It seems petty but I'm very mad about it and forget confronting it, then I'm just a "drama queen starting drama" Fuck that.  I just won't take her calls or listen to her for a while and hopefully she will get the hint.  She's only 21 so she's still a baby and that's fine, but just cuz she has a great job and everything doesn't make her a superior, mature person.  She's often snobby, and judgmental and hypocrital.  {I'd hate to break this to you again but like... I just think this has to do with the type of person she is, using her age as an excuse isn't a good thing because one day she'll be 30 and she'll still be the same person she is now.  we were different than that at age 21.  and we had shit to deal with ourselves, you know??  I just think that using the age thing isn't a good enough excuse to act a fool.}  Those are her flaws but as usual, I always put those aside and love a person despite them because I have so many myself.  Sometimes, you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad though and that's where I get stuck with people.  We'll see. My mom is actually encouraging me to leave South Florida because it's not "a good place" for me.  I'm stuck on it cuz #1, it's my home and #2, I left once before and that was worse, and #3, I don't want to run away like she did (or seems to have done.) Who will take care of my dad?  Sorry to keep going back to this, I just am going back and forth on it.  *sigh* DAMMIT I hate how I feel without my meds.  My body aches, I feel like a really ill person.  I KNOW I need them but I don't want my parents' help anymore at all cuz I feel like it keeps me depending on them.
Almost soap opera time!  And fuck, I just washed all that pen off and it's all over me again.  That's why I {bible study stuff} switched pens.  Ok, I think I'm going to put my poems here for you (2 of my new ones).

~And so the tides of time have changed
Drowning me in lost confusion
A tangled mess of emotions
I let go, because I can't hold on
Not to a heart with holes so deep
They swallow me in and spit me out
So I drown again
This time in my own brokenness
Because you're so distant
You can't even throw me a life preserver
A fraction of the radiance I still love
The gray areas never mattered
Because they made you real
The imperfections caused my heart to be
and I felt alive
with your contagious smile
your sparkling eyes
your warm embrace
all now a fear that I imagined it to life
all of it
So I release my hands from this fight
holding my breath
dropping the white flage
surrending to the tide washing me away.~

That's so very clearly about Ryan. I still love and care about him so much, but I wrote this before I deleted him from fb and off my phone.  I wrote it like 3 or 4 weeks ago but it still holds true for me.  :) Ryan Mac... *shakes head*

That last poem {in the Chelsea's poetry section} was inspired by a night I rode in the golf cart with Erica.  The moon was so beautiful and the clouds really look like wings on the moon.  So I came up with the first stanza on the spot and put it as my FB status, and then made a whole poem out of it.  It's one of my favorite poems I've ever written to date.  So, I just spoke to my father and he said he's fine it's just a lot of built up anger. {obviously if there's a lot of built up anger then he's not fine!!!!}.  I guess we'll see.  Now, I'm contemplating a shower while I wait for Erica to come home.  She only works 3 hours on Fridays but today she had a dr appointment, then stopped at her mom's house.  We're going to set up a booth at the fairgrounds for her boss, then we're going to Ross for an exchange or something and store credit.  Idk so I imagine she'll get something.  Then we're going to come and eat, get ready, grab Erin maybe, and go to the costume party at Majors.  Yes, I will have my camera (brb)