4:58pm
Ugh. So get this... I called my doctor to see if the results came in yet and the lady said they didn't get in yet so she was going to call the hospital. Well, I hung out with my mom (we just got back) and I called the doc's office again. They said they still hadn't heard from the hospital. So I called the hospital and they said they faxed over the results @ 6:07pm on Friday (same day as my ultrasound). So the lady said she would fax it again. I am done for now but I'm gonna call tomorrow and see if they got it or not.
So, okay. I know you have heard the Brian breakup story, but there have been pieces of the puzzle I've chosen to keep hidden from you. Before I go on I need you to keep an open mind and remember that this was probably the hardest time of my life, even harder than what I had to go through with Mike, although that was pretty damn shitty as well.
Alright, so, after we were supposed to meet up with Ryan, he and I kept talking. I figured that if I got him to trust me, I could get him to open up about what happened between you two (I eventually got a sort-of explanation for it, which I've already told you, but it still doesn't explain why he flipped out). But anyways, I guess I really lit a fire under his ass after I called him on his bullshit (he later told me that his"plan" was to make me fall for him then ditch me for it) so what he would do was text me and at first be really nice, then be mean and not text me for like 3 days, then text and be nice, and then so on. For weeks this went on. I felt so bad about keeping this from you that I kind of made up a guy that I had just met that was doing these things, only it was really him. Like I said, not my proudest moment.
So, one day, my school mate Simone had to pick me up for school because Brian had the car that day. It was a day when we didn't have real class, we got to go to the hospital and do massages for the MS group that met there. I left my phone in Simone's car and I think that was a Monday so I got it back the next day which was Tuesday (we had classes on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays). I saw that I had a couple messages from Ryan on there. The first one was this really weird message and then he wrote "whoops that wasn't for you." I asked him what he meant but he never did tell me.
At this point you and I were barely speaking. We had that stupid fight over that story Linsey may or may not have fabricated (getting raped by her ex, pregnant, then losing the baby). I said it sounded fake and you just got soooo mad. I knew that something was going on with you at this point, little did I know that something was REALLY wrong. I pushed way too hard because I was so scared you were going to hurt yourself. I had this feeling in my gut, this deep aching feeling, that you were going to end up dead. I was so scared. That's why I couldn't leave you alone even though you clearly asked me to. But I know that if you were me, you probably couldn't have lasted 2 weeks of not knowing if I was alive or not.
6:07pm
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9:53pm
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After we had that huge fight, Ryan suddenly really started opening up to me. I remember the night I came to get the nb back, I wanted to knock on the door to get my albums but I was too afraid. I saw you by the pool on your laptop and I thought about honking or going over there or something, but I didn't want to screw anything else up.
I am unsure of the things Ryan opened up about (I don't really remember our earlier conversations). All I know is that the girl he was seeing ended up going back to her husband and he was heartbroken. Apparently there was some on-again-off-again romance thing for years then she marries someone else then leaves that guy to be with Ryan then finds out she is pregnant and Ryan had to do a DNA test. Once the results came back (he was not the father), she went back to her husband. Throughout our whole relationship, he seemed to get a thrill out of pissing her off. Saying stupid things, trying to get her back for whatever, it was weird. We (he and I) actually became buddies and I would get used to him bugging me during school. The first day we met was a Sunday, August 10th. This was 10 days after the whole Brian incident. At this point, I was afraid. I did not want him to come home with me. The trust was completely gone. I pretended everything was fine because what else was I gonna do? I had 3 weeks of school left and no money left. I was afraid to take my clothes off in front of him and I didn't want him touching me. I hated that we still shared a bed. I was so afraid of breaking up with him, though. Afraid of what he would do, say, whatever. Afraid that he was going to make my mind up for me again.
The day I met Ryan, I was supposed to go to a beach party for my friend, Jen, who I met through Kristie. But that ended up not happening because her boyfriend was in jail and she didn't want to have a party without him there (they had literally been going out for a week at this point. I wish I was kidding). So, I hung out with Kristie anyway. Ryan and I had planned to meet up later. Kristie and I went to her friend Josh's house. His sister had been involved in a horrible car accident. She was drag racing and the car flipped over about 3 times. The house itself was huge. It was one of those South Florida mansions. It had an actual theater room and the nicest bathroom ever. Anyway, we watched 2 movies, a 007 movie and "After Sunset". After that it was getting to be kind of late so I drove Kristie home and soon was on my way. Ryan's boss has a house literally 2 mins from the beach (Deerfield). (aww my turtle is sleeping! So cute). I found the house and there was Ryan on the lawn. I got out of my car and we shook hands.
The backyard of this guy's place has a pool and overlooks The Cove. I dunno if you've ever been there. We sat in these lawn chairs that were kind of wet from all the rain that day. We talked for a while about nothing in particular and then the sun started setting so he asked if I wanted to go for a boatride (my one and only ride ever on that boat). I said, "okay," so we sat at opposite ends for a while until he wanted me to steer. I have never steered a boat before in my life. He came and sat next to me and I said, "okay, I'm done." He took the wheel back and we just sat there in peace for a while. And then it happened. His leg touched my leg. He didn't move it back and neither did I. I just remember thinking, "I'm not moving my leg, he can move his."
After we got back to his boss's house, we sat for a while and talked more. He was getting closer to me. I remember him saying something like, "I don't think I'm supposed to be doing this but..." and he put his hand on my back and started rubbing it. It wasn't sexual or anything, just nice. But then he stopped and I took his arm and gave it back to him. Then he said something like, "how long before you realize I'm hitting on you?" Then he gave me the longest look ever so what did I do? I tackled him. We started tickling each other and then after like 5-10 minutes we stopped. I thought he was gonna try and kiss me but at first he didn't so I was just laying there too tired to move and then he leaned over. At first he kissed the inside of my arm, then my neck, then my cheek, then my lips. It was like, the second he kissed my lips he put his tongue in my mouth. He pulled way and apologized and then started kissing me again. The inside of my head was screaming: "wow--someone who is not Brian is kissing me!" But I didn't stop it. I could not stop. After a while of kissing in the grass we got up and went inside. I remember in that beach house there was a counter in the kitchen with stools. I remember sitting on one of those stools and he came over and put both of his arms around me. Then after a while we sat down on this wicker couch with flower cushions (ew!) and snuggled for a while before making out again. In the middle of this, Brian calls and I actually take the call. I can't believe the lies came so easily. But it was midnight already (which was; apparently, my curfew. He; however, could stay out however fucking long he wanted.) So, Ryan and I unpeeled ourselves from each other and eventually went our separate ways. We had made a date to see each other again on Friday. On Wednesday he was trying to get out of it by saying that he was going to jail for something. Thursday I left my phone in my car during school on purpose and when I came to get it I saw he left 8 texts (talk about desperate). Well, Friday came and needless to say it was a weird day. I had sex with Brian (for the last time ever), Margarita came over and helped me put lights on my tail lights that had burned out, and it was the 2 year anniversary of Brian proposing. When I had talked to Ryan the night before he was still apologizing for kissing me. I told him not to worry about it. A couple hours before I was supposed to go to the movie he was trying to get out of it but I told him he could cuddle with me during the movie. For that he kept the date with me, lol. So, I have sex with someone and go out on a date with someone else on the same night, which also happens to be the 2 year anniversary of when I got engaged (august 15th, with no end in sight). Ryan wanted to know what I was doing on Sunday and I said "nothing," so we had made plans to see each other that night. There was a hurricane coming through on Monday so he wanted to go to the beach and watch the waves come in.
Well, I had told Brian that I was hanging out with Kristie that day so I basically had the whole day to kill before going to the beach house. With no money. First, I drove over to the Boynton Beach Mall and talked to my friend Steve for 2-3 hours. Then I went to Barnes and Nobles and read the new Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants book before heading down to Pompano Beach. I didn't know this, but Breaking Dawn had JUST come out around this time. Up until now I steered clear of the Twilight series, but it's just weird lol.
Anyhow, I finally got there (I couldn't wait anymore. I hadn't eaten all day and I just wanted to see him) and he wasn't there yet so I basically drove along A1A until he texted me that he was there. At this point in time, being with him was the only thing making me sane. But if I had still been friends with you, I would not have met him. I was made at you and that's how I justified going to see him. I know, so fucked up.
Ugh, I have GOT to stop writing now, my head is spinning from all of this.
Love you!
Rita
12:13am
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