Happy birthday to Tobi! He is 8 years old today! I'll never forget when I got him. I'd been working at Petsmart in the grooming department. I fell in love with this little red pomeranian named Kayden. I went home and begged and begged and begged! I found South Pines Kennel run by Michele Odom in Claxton, GA. Tobi was $250 and that was a deal for a pure bred pom. My parents finally agreed after a lot of coersion and on October 26th, we drove to Jacksonville, GA. (I watched the world series on a mini TV the entire way). We met my sister and nieces there and the next day we all went and got Tobi. he ran up to me and he was so fucking cute. He fit in the palm of my hand... when we got home (well almost) we had to stop at a plaza because Tobi had been on my chest (we were sleeping) and thank God there was a blanket between us because he pooped on my chest! LMAO "Hello, mommy!" hahaha. It was like the 27th of October {MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAY} when we got home, so 4 days later, I met David at Brian's Halloween party.
Sometimes I feel so bad for leaving Tobers and going to Ohio. I'm glad he didn't go because he never would have made it. Never. I almost didn't even make it. Fuck, I didn't make it when I think about it. Whatever. Anyway, I'm lucky my dad took care of him... enough about that.
So, my printer is a piece of shit and I know I read Ryan's letter I wrote to you over the phone, but I'm going to write it in here. *sigh* so... here we go!
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Ryan,
It seems pathetic to be writing you a letter instead of telling you all this in person, but sometimes I word things better when I write them down. With that being said... here's a few things I wanted to talk to you about...
First of all, I'm sorry for everything last Friday. I should have just asked you what happened before getting upset. I'm also sorry for pushing you, and hope you'll forgive me for those two things.
Now, as for everything else... I thought a lot about everything and you were right about one thing. I do want someone who will call me, hang out with me, be there for me, etc etc. Also, I do deserve those things in a relationship. So do you. I'm confused because you keep telling me you can't be that for me right now so you think I'll get hurt, and you're not ready for a relationship, yet you are so certain it's going to happen anyway. Why? You aren't required to do anything you don't want to do. You may not know what you want, but you should know what you don't want. Does that make sense? I'm not dying for a boyfriend. I didn't start talking to you thinking, "I'm going to be in a relationship with him." Okay? I tried not to like you because I didn't want to like anyone. Especially for the very reason that I have a lot of fixing to do myself. The only thing I'm asking you for is 100% honesty. Which brings me to my next point. If you don't like me as more than a friend only, say so! Yeah, it sucks, but I can handle it. If you do, awesome. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship anyway. Been there, done that! That's why when you say it's going to happen anyway, I have to disagree. Espcially now. I'm not about to get into anything with you that's serious when I feel like you don't want to. You said that everything is so black and white with me, maybe you're right. That's because the gray area causes problems. I do like you, and I do care about you. I know you have a lot of work to do on yourself and I knew that when we started all this. You have to let me decide for myself what I'm willing to deal with and what I'm not. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I've been through a lot and I'm still here, stronger because of it.
I like getting to know you, and it's fine if that's all I should expect but please tell me. I'm beginning to wonder if you keep saying I'm going to get hurt because my friends keep warning you not to OR if that's your way of saying "I don't like you so I'll say whatever I can to turn you off." Maybe I'm wrong about both things, but if it's the first one -- that's going to change because everyone is going to butt the fuck out from now on, trust me. If it's the second thing, well that's just stupid. I'm a big girl and while the truth hurts, I have a lot of respect for it. If it's neither, then ignore all of that.
Lastly, I don't know if you really were hitting on Sara Friday night or not. If you were, just stay away from her. I'm NOT saying that because I'm jealous. She manipulates, she lies, and she starts trouble (As you may or may not have noticed.).
The very last thing I want to tell you is that what happened in your past makes no difference to me now. I care for you despite your flaws and mistakes. It's time to stop beating yourself up and look towards what makes you happy, and who you are etc etc. I have a poem I wrote a long time ago and it reminded me of you. It's on the back page so enjoy.
Love Always,
Chels
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I'm not putting the poems in here but if you wanna read them they're in my last note on facebook I think. "Just keeps moving on" and "all my tomorrows" I think those are both topics you gave me. I could be wrong though. Anyway, I want to give him the letter but I feel so stupid. I'm not sure it even has a point. I feel like I said the right things but made it sound like I don't want him and me together. Ugh. I do want to be with him, I just want him to want it too. Why are men so complicated? I guess like that I'm being honest and upfront though. I'm not going through the same bs I did with your stupid exboyfriend. LOL.
Here's how Ryan and I were yesterday:
(in text)
Me: Someone told me men like silent treatment because it's better than being yelled at so I have to stop not talking to you. LOL.
Ryan: Is that why you did not call me on Monday to smoke?
Me: Kinda. I didn't know what to say to you and I was trying to leave you alone.
Me: my brother says come over today since I neglected you both on Monday
Ryan: I'm kinda stuck at work right now
Me: Literally stuck? Or just in the middle of work?
Me: It was all a dream! I never messaged you!
Then later, I called our friend Steve and he was at Ryan's house. He asked if I wanted to talk to Ryan and I said no. SO then like 20 minutes later, Ryan texts me.
Ryan: hey
Me: Hi
Ryan: what's up?
Me: Nothing, Listening to music. You?
Ryan: Also listening to music. All by myself. What are you listening to?
Me: Eminem cause my brother said he'd shoot himself if I played more Bon Jovi. Why are you by yourself? Thought Steve was there.
Ryan: no. he just left. we both have to get up early.
Me: oooooooohokay
Ryan: are you alone?
Me: yea, why? (20 minutes later....)
Me: did ya die?
Ryan: I'm talkin to my mom. my hometown is getting flooded BAD.
Me: oh no that's not good. I hope everyone's okay!
I don't know why he asked if I was alone. Fuckin weirdo.
Love,
Star
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9/8/11 2:00pm
Good afternoon. How are ya? I'm doing ok. I just cleaned the floors and the microwave and Erica's having a "bad thoughts" day. So I'm trying to be the voice of positivity for her. It's hard to do that when I feel so blah over Ryan *sigh* But mine is just a guy, so I guess her problems are worse or whatever. I was supposed to go to Delray today as well as Publix. Walmart in Delray is hiring. My dumb ass didn't do a damn thing, but maybe when Erica is here. Or I can go tomorrow while I hang out with Rich. We're only hanging out, nothing else. No worries. I am just focused on Ryan right now. I don't know if we will talk tonight or not. Probably not, because he won't call/text and I'll try not to. I do have to call Steve though. Last night, he mentioned hanging out at Skeeter's. Today i thought about it and if it's Nicole, Steve, Ryan and me we can go where there's no karaoke and my brother will go to celebrate his bday so I hope that all works out. Geeze, lol. Rory and I have been getting along really well lately *knock on wood* I can't believe he'll be 30 tomorrow. Holy shit. Crap, gotta go get ready!
Love,
Star
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