January 7th, 2013
11:18pm
Hey Chels,
So... Today was a... Day. Lol. James finally found me on okcupid and we talked for a bit but he wanted me to call him and I wouldn't. I feel like enough time has passed for us to be friends but that doesn't mean I have to talk on the phone with him cuz next he'll want to see me. And I know I'm not ready for that. Not because I am afraid of what might happen I am just not ready yet. And he needs to respect that. Everything was fine for like two minutes and then things got weird again. I dunno why we can't just be friends or even talk at all. He had his chance, he blew it, move on already. I mean, I could understand why it would be hard for him to get over me. I was the one girl who said yes to meeting him and we had a great time together and I got along great with his kid, etc. But just remember... He didn't want to be my boyfriend. He said he "didn't know" and then claiming to be joking. Pfffft on him. And he just wanted me to act the way he wanted me to act. Not thinking I might act differently than what he wants. But I'm not a bitch. I'm not rude. I can be polite and civil and say hi. If it were Barry.... Would be a totally different situation.
Anyhow, I got my car fixed and finally said goodbye to the battery Ryan bought for me back in 2009. It was dying. And finally got my headlight fixed!! And then I got some food, studied, took my dad out to get dinner, and here I am.
I have sort of been taking things easy nbs-wise. I try and write in the nb everyday or other day but I think I need to pick days where all I do is write in my books. I feel like that gets neglected. But it could be because I'm just starting out and it doesn't look like anything yet. I think Wednesdays will be my tarot card drawing days :). And Sundays will be my full tarot reading days. I am still doing a daily meditation with my new cards. And I'm reading as much as I can. So I am still doing some stuff. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays can be my writing days and I pick if I want it to be notebook or story. I can live with the quiet as long as I do something and make progress.
Alright, I'm gonna get going for now. I love you :).
Rita
11:50pm
This is a notebook project that was started by my best friend and myself, but has since been abandoned. We had a good run but this is all that's left of our friendship. I'm keeping these public because, well... I can.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
January 4th, 2013
January 4th, 2013
12:51am
Hey Chels,
Omg what a freaking day. Okay, so... There's this guy. I met him on okcupid and I know you're thinking "uh oh" but... Nothing is happening. He's very nice and we can carry on a conversation and so far it's good. I gave him my number so he could text me today so he does and we're saying hi and then Larry of all people texts me and asks me how my new years was. We talk a bit but only small talk and I don't hear from him for the rest of the day. Which is completely fine with me. I still feel sad but... I know why. It's because I feel like all he wanted out of me was sex. He can deny that all he wants to but if you look at the facts, every single time he's had sex with me he stopped talking to me for a while and I let it happen at first because I didn't want anything serious. But after this last time I've come to realize that as much as I don't want to admit it, he IS a moron because he let me slip through his fingers. I don't even believe that he cares about me even a little bit anymore because if he cared about me at all, he'd move mountains not to make me feel like I had just been used for sex again. It's a horrible feeling. I know I have the power to make myself feel how I feel and all of that, but it's really sad when someone I've known since I was 15 would do this to me. Here's my whole argument. Before, I got why things happened the way they did. But since we talked everything out I wanted so badly to give him another chance because I was looking forward to everything we had talked about. But he got busy again and forgot about me again and it's really frustrating. I don't have sex with people who are just my friends. And it's hard for me to be with him and then discarded until he wants me again. I don't think someone who cared about me at all would do something like that to me. And now I have a hard time even believing that he even thinks of me as a friend because except for that one time, every other time we've hung out, we've either had sex or he tried to have sex with me. We never did anything that normal friends would do. And it's like... I deserve a fuck of a lot more than that, even on a friendship level. I feel like I made a mistake when I said sex would be okay. I never thought this would end up happening. I never thought he would do this to me. Or did I do it to myself? Was I stupid and brought this on myself? I don't even know. I really don't want it to be a mistake. But I can't trust him for anything anymore. Not as a friend either. I would never treat a friend this way. And he's gonna know just how badly he fucked up. Believe me. I do not want to give up on him as a friend. But he needs to realize that he can't just keep me locked away from everyone else who actually gets to see him. He can't just come out and play when he wants sex and expect me to just sit there and wait until he comes back. I'm not a toy, I'm a human being and I have feelings. A part of me can't wait until he tries to flirt with me and I turn him down. Lol how sick am I?
Anyway... I'm still down with the idea of not having sex at all anymore until I'm in a relationship with someone. I know I wrote about this like yesterday. But I think it's very liberating to say. I am done harboring feelings for someone who will never be mine, and I'm done with having sex without first defining what is going on. The person I mentioned earlier hasn't even said a thing about sex or anything. And apparently he lives very close to the library. I might have even seen him before and not even known it. How crazy is that? I'm not sure what kind of feeling I get from him yet. With James it was instant, I automatically felt something. Probably why I slept with him really fast, we had that connection. I just didn't think he'd turn out to be a pile of crazy. But this guy, I liked him enough to trust him with my phone number. I don't do that with anyone. But I'm taking this one S L O W!!! And if he can't handle it then too damn bad for him.
Alright. For the first time in a great while I'm going to watch Olga Kay because I know she will cheer me up. I love you!
Rita
1:20am
12:51am
Hey Chels,
Omg what a freaking day. Okay, so... There's this guy. I met him on okcupid and I know you're thinking "uh oh" but... Nothing is happening. He's very nice and we can carry on a conversation and so far it's good. I gave him my number so he could text me today so he does and we're saying hi and then Larry of all people texts me and asks me how my new years was. We talk a bit but only small talk and I don't hear from him for the rest of the day. Which is completely fine with me. I still feel sad but... I know why. It's because I feel like all he wanted out of me was sex. He can deny that all he wants to but if you look at the facts, every single time he's had sex with me he stopped talking to me for a while and I let it happen at first because I didn't want anything serious. But after this last time I've come to realize that as much as I don't want to admit it, he IS a moron because he let me slip through his fingers. I don't even believe that he cares about me even a little bit anymore because if he cared about me at all, he'd move mountains not to make me feel like I had just been used for sex again. It's a horrible feeling. I know I have the power to make myself feel how I feel and all of that, but it's really sad when someone I've known since I was 15 would do this to me. Here's my whole argument. Before, I got why things happened the way they did. But since we talked everything out I wanted so badly to give him another chance because I was looking forward to everything we had talked about. But he got busy again and forgot about me again and it's really frustrating. I don't have sex with people who are just my friends. And it's hard for me to be with him and then discarded until he wants me again. I don't think someone who cared about me at all would do something like that to me. And now I have a hard time even believing that he even thinks of me as a friend because except for that one time, every other time we've hung out, we've either had sex or he tried to have sex with me. We never did anything that normal friends would do. And it's like... I deserve a fuck of a lot more than that, even on a friendship level. I feel like I made a mistake when I said sex would be okay. I never thought this would end up happening. I never thought he would do this to me. Or did I do it to myself? Was I stupid and brought this on myself? I don't even know. I really don't want it to be a mistake. But I can't trust him for anything anymore. Not as a friend either. I would never treat a friend this way. And he's gonna know just how badly he fucked up. Believe me. I do not want to give up on him as a friend. But he needs to realize that he can't just keep me locked away from everyone else who actually gets to see him. He can't just come out and play when he wants sex and expect me to just sit there and wait until he comes back. I'm not a toy, I'm a human being and I have feelings. A part of me can't wait until he tries to flirt with me and I turn him down. Lol how sick am I?
Anyway... I'm still down with the idea of not having sex at all anymore until I'm in a relationship with someone. I know I wrote about this like yesterday. But I think it's very liberating to say. I am done harboring feelings for someone who will never be mine, and I'm done with having sex without first defining what is going on. The person I mentioned earlier hasn't even said a thing about sex or anything. And apparently he lives very close to the library. I might have even seen him before and not even known it. How crazy is that? I'm not sure what kind of feeling I get from him yet. With James it was instant, I automatically felt something. Probably why I slept with him really fast, we had that connection. I just didn't think he'd turn out to be a pile of crazy. But this guy, I liked him enough to trust him with my phone number. I don't do that with anyone. But I'm taking this one S L O W!!! And if he can't handle it then too damn bad for him.
Alright. For the first time in a great while I'm going to watch Olga Kay because I know she will cheer me up. I love you!
Rita
1:20am
January 2nd, 2013
January 2nd, 2013
1:02am
Hey Chels,
So, today was the first day of the new year. I worked on some notebook stuff, went to the mall with my mom, and then just relaxed. I'm gonna start studying again tomorrow. So, I know I already talked to you about this but I'm going to write it in here. I can't do this thing with Larry anymore. Something clicked in my head last night. If he really felt the way he said he felt about me, he would have wanted to spend new years with me. Geoff, Mark, even Steve all asked what I was doing for new years. He was the only one who didn't. I'm just really disappointed. I gave him another chance because I didn't think this would happen again but it did. You know, I know I've been saying all along that I'm not ready for a relationship and all this stuff and I did my own thing for new years and it was lovely. But I was pining away for him and he never answered my text about new years and if I hadn't of texted him I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even thought to text me and say happy new years. And that really blows. I realized last night that it's not just about last night. I could have justified every other time we hooked up because I still needed space and he was trying to be a friend. But in a way I don't fully believe that because if he was really just a friend we would have just hung out like friends instead of hooking up. That's what really fucked with my head. And then when I was finally with someone he couldn't just hang out and talk to me as a friend because he didn't trust himself. So a week later we hook up again and he says something about not wanting it to seem like I'm just a piece of ass. And then that's all it turned out to be. I'm disappointed because I thought we were past this and I thought it was safe to give him another shot. But he ended up doing to me what he's done to me every other time. I can't just sleep with him and not see him for however long. Either we stay friends and just see each other whenever or we are lovers. I can't do both. Because it kills me to be intimate with someone I care about and then be merely an afterthought to that person. I feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. And that sucks. Believe me, the next time I talk to him and he tries to get with me I'm going to tell him all of this. Because it has to stop. I never did anything to deserve this. And I never thought he would do something like this. My only question is, why even start anything with me at all? What was the point? All it did was hurt me and make me feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. I will never understand why someone who otherwise has a huge heart could treat me like this. I'm just done waiting for him to give me permission to let him go. He let himself go. He is never going to find someone like me and he knows it. Someone he has a great connection with, can be himself around, and who he has amazing sex with. But I can't just sit around and wait for him to get his shit together. He had his chance with me. He had a million chances with me. And even though I tried to move on I couldn't and I gave him another chance, he still managed to screw things up. I don't even believe that he really loves me because if he did in any capacity he would not have treated me this way. He wouldn't let that much time pass before trying to see me no matter how busy he got. And he would have wanted me for new years.
So... Although it's sad, in a way it's very freeing because there are no outside influences swaying my decision. There's nobody else I'm seeing or even talking to. I'm just a girl who has had it with empty promises. I never ever thought Larry of all people would lie to me or use me. I always thought his intentions were honorable and he must care about me and all this stuff. Well, he sure has a fucked up way of showing it.
I signed up for okcupid again. I just want to see if that's an option for me and this time I don't want to run away so fast if I find someone nice. And I'm just going to worry about myself (like I have been) and maybe actually go out on some dates if I want to. I might never have the answer about Larry. Maybe he thinks he isn't good enough for me and maybe I'll just figure that out on my own or maybe he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Well if he didn't want one he shouldn't have started anything with me besides friendship and you bet your ass I'm going to tell that to him.
Alright. I'm a lot calmer than I was before so I'm going to go for now. I will give you an update as to what happens but I have a feeling it won't be for a while. It is a conversation I have been avoiding for a while and these things need to be said. I can't just let him charm his way back like always. The important thing for me to remember is that he did this. For whatever reason he didn't want me. Just wanted to sleep with me. And he has to live with that. I know what his excuses will be. He was doing inventory and then the holidays came and blah blah whatever. And then the anniversary of when his dad died is coming up soon. But frankly I don't care about any of that. I'm sure his dad would hit him upside the head if he knew he was letting me get away. And after everyone else I've had to say goodbye to, it's sad to realize that I have to say goodbye to all of my dreams of us together. I was really looking forward to that.
He has to know on some level that he fucked up again. And I bet he will try and apologize. I don't need excuses or apologies. I need someone who won't want that much time to pass before seeing me again, no matter what the circumstances. And I need someone who would want to be with me (that I also want to be with in the same way). And someone who will tell me he doesn't want me to be just a piece of ass, and then turn around and treat me like one. Either sleep with me or don't but you can't have it both ways.
Ugh I am exhausted, but these are things I have been needing to say for a while. I just haven't had the guts to say any of it out loud because I was holding onto hope that he'd not disappoint me. But I can't just wait forever for him to decide what he wants. I need to live my own life. And I have to stop waiting for someone who will always have an excuse as to why he's too busy to text/talk/visit me. Just seems like no matter what, all I'm doing is waiting.
I don't hate him. I don't want to cut him out completely. I just need to get over all these extra feelings. I need to let go of the idea of him and face the reality of who he is. He's a nice enough person but just either not ready for a girlfriend or doesn't want me that way. If that was true why didn't he just say so in the first place? I hate that he isn't a bad guy. If he was then it would be easier to get over him. But I've been doing well on my own and thinking of other guys and opening myself up to any possibilities so.... I'm sure that one day I will find someone who won't need to make excuses. This is what pisses me off. I'm such a great girl and he thinks so highly of me and all this stuff.... Yet all he has for me are excuses. Kind of pathetic.
Alright... Now I'm done. Love you!
Rita
1:43am
1:02am
Hey Chels,
So, today was the first day of the new year. I worked on some notebook stuff, went to the mall with my mom, and then just relaxed. I'm gonna start studying again tomorrow. So, I know I already talked to you about this but I'm going to write it in here. I can't do this thing with Larry anymore. Something clicked in my head last night. If he really felt the way he said he felt about me, he would have wanted to spend new years with me. Geoff, Mark, even Steve all asked what I was doing for new years. He was the only one who didn't. I'm just really disappointed. I gave him another chance because I didn't think this would happen again but it did. You know, I know I've been saying all along that I'm not ready for a relationship and all this stuff and I did my own thing for new years and it was lovely. But I was pining away for him and he never answered my text about new years and if I hadn't of texted him I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even thought to text me and say happy new years. And that really blows. I realized last night that it's not just about last night. I could have justified every other time we hooked up because I still needed space and he was trying to be a friend. But in a way I don't fully believe that because if he was really just a friend we would have just hung out like friends instead of hooking up. That's what really fucked with my head. And then when I was finally with someone he couldn't just hang out and talk to me as a friend because he didn't trust himself. So a week later we hook up again and he says something about not wanting it to seem like I'm just a piece of ass. And then that's all it turned out to be. I'm disappointed because I thought we were past this and I thought it was safe to give him another shot. But he ended up doing to me what he's done to me every other time. I can't just sleep with him and not see him for however long. Either we stay friends and just see each other whenever or we are lovers. I can't do both. Because it kills me to be intimate with someone I care about and then be merely an afterthought to that person. I feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. And that sucks. Believe me, the next time I talk to him and he tries to get with me I'm going to tell him all of this. Because it has to stop. I never did anything to deserve this. And I never thought he would do something like this. My only question is, why even start anything with me at all? What was the point? All it did was hurt me and make me feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. I will never understand why someone who otherwise has a huge heart could treat me like this. I'm just done waiting for him to give me permission to let him go. He let himself go. He is never going to find someone like me and he knows it. Someone he has a great connection with, can be himself around, and who he has amazing sex with. But I can't just sit around and wait for him to get his shit together. He had his chance with me. He had a million chances with me. And even though I tried to move on I couldn't and I gave him another chance, he still managed to screw things up. I don't even believe that he really loves me because if he did in any capacity he would not have treated me this way. He wouldn't let that much time pass before trying to see me no matter how busy he got. And he would have wanted me for new years.
So... Although it's sad, in a way it's very freeing because there are no outside influences swaying my decision. There's nobody else I'm seeing or even talking to. I'm just a girl who has had it with empty promises. I never ever thought Larry of all people would lie to me or use me. I always thought his intentions were honorable and he must care about me and all this stuff. Well, he sure has a fucked up way of showing it.
I signed up for okcupid again. I just want to see if that's an option for me and this time I don't want to run away so fast if I find someone nice. And I'm just going to worry about myself (like I have been) and maybe actually go out on some dates if I want to. I might never have the answer about Larry. Maybe he thinks he isn't good enough for me and maybe I'll just figure that out on my own or maybe he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Well if he didn't want one he shouldn't have started anything with me besides friendship and you bet your ass I'm going to tell that to him.
Alright. I'm a lot calmer than I was before so I'm going to go for now. I will give you an update as to what happens but I have a feeling it won't be for a while. It is a conversation I have been avoiding for a while and these things need to be said. I can't just let him charm his way back like always. The important thing for me to remember is that he did this. For whatever reason he didn't want me. Just wanted to sleep with me. And he has to live with that. I know what his excuses will be. He was doing inventory and then the holidays came and blah blah whatever. And then the anniversary of when his dad died is coming up soon. But frankly I don't care about any of that. I'm sure his dad would hit him upside the head if he knew he was letting me get away. And after everyone else I've had to say goodbye to, it's sad to realize that I have to say goodbye to all of my dreams of us together. I was really looking forward to that.
He has to know on some level that he fucked up again. And I bet he will try and apologize. I don't need excuses or apologies. I need someone who won't want that much time to pass before seeing me again, no matter what the circumstances. And I need someone who would want to be with me (that I also want to be with in the same way). And someone who will tell me he doesn't want me to be just a piece of ass, and then turn around and treat me like one. Either sleep with me or don't but you can't have it both ways.
Ugh I am exhausted, but these are things I have been needing to say for a while. I just haven't had the guts to say any of it out loud because I was holding onto hope that he'd not disappoint me. But I can't just wait forever for him to decide what he wants. I need to live my own life. And I have to stop waiting for someone who will always have an excuse as to why he's too busy to text/talk/visit me. Just seems like no matter what, all I'm doing is waiting.
I don't hate him. I don't want to cut him out completely. I just need to get over all these extra feelings. I need to let go of the idea of him and face the reality of who he is. He's a nice enough person but just either not ready for a girlfriend or doesn't want me that way. If that was true why didn't he just say so in the first place? I hate that he isn't a bad guy. If he was then it would be easier to get over him. But I've been doing well on my own and thinking of other guys and opening myself up to any possibilities so.... I'm sure that one day I will find someone who won't need to make excuses. This is what pisses me off. I'm such a great girl and he thinks so highly of me and all this stuff.... Yet all he has for me are excuses. Kind of pathetic.
Alright... Now I'm done. Love you!
Rita
1:43am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:43pm
Hey Chels,
So... Today was my first day "back." I studied for about an hour and the rest of the day was spent relaxing. And going to get sushi and reading my book. And apparently making plans for Valentine's day. My friend Steve is supposedly going to come visit me. Now, I'm in a play and there's still a lot to figure out with tickets and location and all of that. Hopefully the next time we meet there will be a more structured thing. Like... This is what's going on. I'd love to be able to tell people where they can buy tickets and all of that. But I need to know for sure of what's going on. At any rate, steve is apparently going to take the whole week off and he wants to get a hotel room in the city and take me with him. I might not be able to stay in Chicago that whole time but I'm pretty sure he would drive me back home if I needed to get home or something. I'd like the idea of him being closer to me though so I could stay at home and we could go to the city together instead of him spending all this money on a hotel room. Now, if he wanted to get a hotel room in the city after the play, that would be different. He could spend however many days he's here like Monday through Thursday at a hotel that's close and we can still hang out, then Friday is the play, then Saturday night stay over in the city. We could still go to museums and if we don't want to drive there's always the train and taxis. It'll work out. IF it happens. Now... As for anything else happening... I have no freaking idea. I don't want to have sex with anyone until I'm in a relationship with that person, I've already decided. But would I make an exception for him? I don't know. A part of me has been in love with him for years. But in light of recent events, I have decided that I'm not gonna have sex again until I know for sure that the guy isn't going to go anywhere. And if that's a problem for anybody then too damn bad. I got my bob, I'm good. And I know that steve would never pressure me to do anything I didn't want to. Even if all we ended up doing was cuddling, I know that would be good enough for him. Thing is... I'm pretty damn sure that if he actually lived here, we would be together. But he has his own life in his own state and he doesn't want to be in a relationship, much less a long distance one. And I am not doing long distance again. I think the primary reason for this meeting is because we've been friends for such a long time that it's almost ridiculous that we haven't met yet. I met him in 2001 so almost 12 years (will be on May 18th). I understand your willingness to kick his ass though and I am in complete agreement with you. He gets my hopes up just to shatter them, he's getting his ass handed to him and that's all there is to it. There is someone else, too.
So... I am on okcupid again. I decided to make another profile again and this time I'm gonna stick it out for a while. Larry is gone and steve lives too far away and I just want to look and see if there's anyone out there I would actually like. I know what I said about that paranoid feeling but if it happens, the guy better be cute lol. Anyway, there's this guy that I've been talking to since around the time I met James and he messaged me again when I was on plentyoffish and then he found me again today. And he was actually one of the guys I felt was normal enough to have a real conversation with. So... I'm not sure where that's gonna go but it's a start.
But I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I don't need a man. I don't want to be alone forever, either. But I'm not holding my breath for any of these guys. Steve is sweet but I'm okay if we're just friends. In his mind he loves me but in reality, I'm not pining away for someone else. I'm not gonna do that shit anymore. I'm sick of doing all the chasing.
Ugh I'm freaking exhausted. I hope I can sleep more than 4 hours tonight.
Love you,
Rita
12:08am
1/3/13
January 1st, 2013
January 1st, 2013
1:37am
Hello beautiful lady!!
It's the first of the year! And the first entry of the year. I hope your new years was great. My new years was absolutely wonderful. I worked on nbs all day long, went to dinner with my parents, came home, put on Sex and the city and continued nbs while drinking some yummy moscato. I did manage to hear from Larry (I texted him) and he was camping so we didn't get to kiss at midnight. So... Fine. I did manage to find out that he didn't kiss anybody else, either. Which makes me a little bit happier. I'm still at the stage where I'm getting ready to let go but I'm not 100% ready. While a part of me feels like if you love someone you should want to spend new years with that person, it's not like he blew me off because we didn't have any plans whatsoever. But eventually I am going to have to talk with him. Just not today. I just said happy new years and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. There's just so many things I'm not ready to let go of yet. But I will be stronger in voicing my feelings. I just have to wait for the right time.
Anyhow, I have been thinking about all my crazy new years eves. You know, I don't remember if I spent new years with my boyfriend Nick (2001-2002). But all the ones after that... Okay. New years 2003 I spent at Mike's sister's apartment. I am watching Lizzie MacGuire reruns on the Disney channel and falling asleep when Lisa and Carlos come home from a bar and they're fighting. A week later I had a miscarriage. New years 2004 I spent talking on the phone with Brian. My friend Kate was jealous because her bf was nowhere to be found. New years 2005 Brian was here and we spent it together. New years 2006 we were in Florida and 3 weeks later Joe died. New years 2007 we were living with Lauren and earnest and we all watched the ball drop and then that was it. New years 2008 was the worst one by far. Brian got injured and flung his blood everywhere. I made his ass work the next day so I didn't kill him. I was that pissed. New years 2009 I had just spent a week with Ryan and he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he was in love with me and I couldn't spend new years with him. New years 2010 I did get to spend it with him and it was the last really nice visit we had. New years 2011 I spent at Barry's and we shared our first kiss. New years 2012 I had to share my anniversary with Sarah, his ex. This year, there was no boys, no drama, just me doing what I wanted. It was soooooo nice, Chels.
I'm so glad you got the last nb in the mail today! Well, technically yesterday. I can't wait to read all of your comments. I still think it would be an awesome idea to get a notebook strictly for commenting on your stuff. It'll leave more room for me to write.
Ugh I feel sick :/. Too much wine I think. I'm gonna attempt to go to bed soon. I love you!
Rita Bo bita.
2:03am
1:37am
Hello beautiful lady!!
It's the first of the year! And the first entry of the year. I hope your new years was great. My new years was absolutely wonderful. I worked on nbs all day long, went to dinner with my parents, came home, put on Sex and the city and continued nbs while drinking some yummy moscato. I did manage to hear from Larry (I texted him) and he was camping so we didn't get to kiss at midnight. So... Fine. I did manage to find out that he didn't kiss anybody else, either. Which makes me a little bit happier. I'm still at the stage where I'm getting ready to let go but I'm not 100% ready. While a part of me feels like if you love someone you should want to spend new years with that person, it's not like he blew me off because we didn't have any plans whatsoever. But eventually I am going to have to talk with him. Just not today. I just said happy new years and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. There's just so many things I'm not ready to let go of yet. But I will be stronger in voicing my feelings. I just have to wait for the right time.
Anyhow, I have been thinking about all my crazy new years eves. You know, I don't remember if I spent new years with my boyfriend Nick (2001-2002). But all the ones after that... Okay. New years 2003 I spent at Mike's sister's apartment. I am watching Lizzie MacGuire reruns on the Disney channel and falling asleep when Lisa and Carlos come home from a bar and they're fighting. A week later I had a miscarriage. New years 2004 I spent talking on the phone with Brian. My friend Kate was jealous because her bf was nowhere to be found. New years 2005 Brian was here and we spent it together. New years 2006 we were in Florida and 3 weeks later Joe died. New years 2007 we were living with Lauren and earnest and we all watched the ball drop and then that was it. New years 2008 was the worst one by far. Brian got injured and flung his blood everywhere. I made his ass work the next day so I didn't kill him. I was that pissed. New years 2009 I had just spent a week with Ryan and he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he was in love with me and I couldn't spend new years with him. New years 2010 I did get to spend it with him and it was the last really nice visit we had. New years 2011 I spent at Barry's and we shared our first kiss. New years 2012 I had to share my anniversary with Sarah, his ex. This year, there was no boys, no drama, just me doing what I wanted. It was soooooo nice, Chels.
I'm so glad you got the last nb in the mail today! Well, technically yesterday. I can't wait to read all of your comments. I still think it would be an awesome idea to get a notebook strictly for commenting on your stuff. It'll leave more room for me to write.
Ugh I feel sick :/. Too much wine I think. I'm gonna attempt to go to bed soon. I love you!
Rita Bo bita.
2:03am
December 26th, 2012
December 26th, 2012
12:35am
Hey Chels,
Merry belated Christmas!!! I am so sleepy but I wanted to write to you. I hope you had a great holiday because I did. I had a wonderful couple of days. First off, Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family was great. My cousins put on their Christmas skit (which I had my mom video record) and I even got some presents! For the past couple of years (after Kathy passed away) I had only been getting like 1 present so this year it was nice to open more than one thing. And I guess maddy's mom has a new boyfriend. Which means she's coming home late with hickies on her neck and missed her daughter's flute recital because she was probably having sex with her boyfriend. It kills me because I love maddy and Chloe as if they were my own babies and their own mother doesn't even give a shit that she gets to see them almost every day of their lives. I only get to see them a few times a year. But the one thing I'm grateful for is that all of my baby cousins know that if they needed me, I would be there in a second. I would consider myself incredibly lucky to have children as wonderful as those kids. But anyway. So, today went beautifully as well. My aunt got me stuff I could actually use!! I actually got a couple different journals so I might use one or both as tarot journals, I haven't decided yet.
In other news, it was so wonderful to just leave my cell phone unattended. No boys to worry about or make excuses for. And then today I'm going to go shopping with my friend Emily. I can't wait. My mom could only find two of the CDs I asked for so I'm going to have to find them and get them for myself. My mom said I could put $100 on the card and buy what I want. I'm excited to just go shopping.
Oh and I saw Les Miz tonight with my mom. It was less of a musical and more of an opera. But nevertheless, it was beautiful. There was slavery, love, hookers, children, crazy and wonderful things. I'm so glad I saw it. I knew it was going to be heavy but I didn't know exactly what I was in for. But loooooveeeee!!!!!
So today is shopping, then I think I'm going to Jason's for an after Christmas party, then Saturday is my writing group. This last week of 2012 is busy busy. Oh and I also decided that before I watch any more YouTube videos, I'm going to read every email in my yahoo groups folder. I'm getting down to the nitty gritty of things and I want there to be a lot of things to catch up on. Except for the stuff I'm going to listen to when I'm studying. But that's different. And probably by the time I've emptied out that folder, there'll be more stuff to read.
Love you!
Rita
1:03am
12:35am
Hey Chels,
Merry belated Christmas!!! I am so sleepy but I wanted to write to you. I hope you had a great holiday because I did. I had a wonderful couple of days. First off, Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family was great. My cousins put on their Christmas skit (which I had my mom video record) and I even got some presents! For the past couple of years (after Kathy passed away) I had only been getting like 1 present so this year it was nice to open more than one thing. And I guess maddy's mom has a new boyfriend. Which means she's coming home late with hickies on her neck and missed her daughter's flute recital because she was probably having sex with her boyfriend. It kills me because I love maddy and Chloe as if they were my own babies and their own mother doesn't even give a shit that she gets to see them almost every day of their lives. I only get to see them a few times a year. But the one thing I'm grateful for is that all of my baby cousins know that if they needed me, I would be there in a second. I would consider myself incredibly lucky to have children as wonderful as those kids. But anyway. So, today went beautifully as well. My aunt got me stuff I could actually use!! I actually got a couple different journals so I might use one or both as tarot journals, I haven't decided yet.
In other news, it was so wonderful to just leave my cell phone unattended. No boys to worry about or make excuses for. And then today I'm going to go shopping with my friend Emily. I can't wait. My mom could only find two of the CDs I asked for so I'm going to have to find them and get them for myself. My mom said I could put $100 on the card and buy what I want. I'm excited to just go shopping.
Oh and I saw Les Miz tonight with my mom. It was less of a musical and more of an opera. But nevertheless, it was beautiful. There was slavery, love, hookers, children, crazy and wonderful things. I'm so glad I saw it. I knew it was going to be heavy but I didn't know exactly what I was in for. But loooooveeeee!!!!!
So today is shopping, then I think I'm going to Jason's for an after Christmas party, then Saturday is my writing group. This last week of 2012 is busy busy. Oh and I also decided that before I watch any more YouTube videos, I'm going to read every email in my yahoo groups folder. I'm getting down to the nitty gritty of things and I want there to be a lot of things to catch up on. Except for the stuff I'm going to listen to when I'm studying. But that's different. And probably by the time I've emptied out that folder, there'll be more stuff to read.
Love you!
Rita
1:03am
December 24th, 2012
December 24th, 2012
1:18am
Hey Chels,
What up? It's Christmas eve! And Brian's birthday! My ex, not ur current guy lol. But yeah. My dad is acting funny. He kept asking me today if I got my mom's Christmas present. I picked it up the day I said I would, last tuesday because I was doing all that running around anyway. He asked me if we could pick it up today and I said I was going to tomorrow so then he asked me if I picked it up and I said yes and then every day since then he's asked me if I picked up the gift card and I said yes and then today he asks me again!! And then later he asked me why his email was blocking things and I said I had no idea. I have no freaking clue why computers choose to block images, probably to keep viruses from entering? But my mom came in and talked to me about my "tone". I wasn't aware that I had one! And then he was bossing my mom around. He wanted to see the weather so she was going to the weather portion of the news and he asked her what she was doing and I said she just got finished saying she was going to the weather. I dunno, maybe he's just tired from his remicade treatment, but seriously. And now I'm supposed to take him to Jewel tomorrow? Why the fuck do we have to go to the grocery store on the craziest day of the year? Ugh.
I get along with my parents like 90% of the time. The other 10% is when stuff like this happens. I cannot wait to get my own place. I will have a turtle and a bunny and the turtle will live in a pond and he will love it. You know those inside ponds they have in the pet stores? I will get one of those for him so he can swim to his heart's content. Maybe get some fish and snails. Maybe another turtle. He seems happy on his own, not sure how he'd feel about another turtle. But he might like having a play mate that's not human. Lol.
One day it will happen. I will have my own place. And it will be glorious.
1:32am
1:18am
Hey Chels,
What up? It's Christmas eve! And Brian's birthday! My ex, not ur current guy lol. But yeah. My dad is acting funny. He kept asking me today if I got my mom's Christmas present. I picked it up the day I said I would, last tuesday because I was doing all that running around anyway. He asked me if we could pick it up today and I said I was going to tomorrow so then he asked me if I picked it up and I said yes and then every day since then he's asked me if I picked up the gift card and I said yes and then today he asks me again!! And then later he asked me why his email was blocking things and I said I had no idea. I have no freaking clue why computers choose to block images, probably to keep viruses from entering? But my mom came in and talked to me about my "tone". I wasn't aware that I had one! And then he was bossing my mom around. He wanted to see the weather so she was going to the weather portion of the news and he asked her what she was doing and I said she just got finished saying she was going to the weather. I dunno, maybe he's just tired from his remicade treatment, but seriously. And now I'm supposed to take him to Jewel tomorrow? Why the fuck do we have to go to the grocery store on the craziest day of the year? Ugh.
I get along with my parents like 90% of the time. The other 10% is when stuff like this happens. I cannot wait to get my own place. I will have a turtle and a bunny and the turtle will live in a pond and he will love it. You know those inside ponds they have in the pet stores? I will get one of those for him so he can swim to his heart's content. Maybe get some fish and snails. Maybe another turtle. He seems happy on his own, not sure how he'd feel about another turtle. But he might like having a play mate that's not human. Lol.
One day it will happen. I will have my own place. And it will be glorious.
1:32am
December 20th, 2012
December 20th, 2012
1:28am
Hey Chels,
So... I know I said this already but Larry got the cookies! I was so happy. I'm glad he actually answered me back. I had to wait until this morning, but still. I'm just so happy that my plan worked!!
So... Here's how I'm feeling right now. I'm on this plentyoffish.com website and it's going okay I guess. But in reality I feel like what's the point? I know that Larry would want me to be happy and if I found someone else then that's fine. But... I see so many possibilities there that I don't want to give up on. They've always been there and even though I let myself like someone else this year, it was still there. I'm not trying to be obsessive. And like... Before I could tell that I was still all about him and his feelings and obsessing over how he might or might not feel about me. Now it's like... I've grown confident enough to see him as a person and a friend more than a possible love interest. I mean, I see that as well, but if we just never get our stuff together then that's unfortunate. But I've already decided that what I'm feeling isn't going to go away no matter how many other guys I find on some stupid website. But most importantly, I just want what's right for both of us. The truth is, maybe I need a website to find a potential partner that isn't Larry. I feel strongly that I'm not going to like anyone anyway because they're not him, and that may be so. But at least I'm at least getting to know these people. But truthfully, I'm kind of annoyed. I don't want to be a sugar baby or get hit on by 20 year olds. I have found a few people worth talking to but a lot of them seem cool but then just stop talking. Which is fine too. But I'm not planning on meeting any of these people and the thing that scares me is that one day someone might recognize me from that website and what if it's someone I blocked cuz they were crazy? 1:43am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 20th, 2012
9:12pm
So, I made the decision tonight to get rid of my plentyoffish account for the following reasons:
1) I already have feelings for someone and as long as I have feelings for him, I'm not going to want to meet anybody new.
2) no one has given me the good feeling that James gave me. Although there were some nice guys, they're just not for me. Too young, too old, have babies already, not my type, etc.
3) I was starting to get spammed.
4) I googled my ex's screen name and found like 3 other dating sites and I was considering joining them to see his profile. I'm sorry... I'm not that psycho.
5) I originally signed up out of boredom but I found myself not even caring if I had messages or not.
That's 5 very good reasons not to put myself out there on dating websites. I either want to be single or see what will happen with Larry. But for the most part it's the first thing.
I'm at the point where I've been single for almost a year now. There was James but that was only a couple of months. I think I started thinking about dating again so I'd have interesting stuff to write about, lol. Now I'm realizing I don't need stupid boys to entertain me.
I'm gonna watch some New Girl and try and warm up my feet.
9:22pm
1:28am
Hey Chels,
So... I know I said this already but Larry got the cookies! I was so happy. I'm glad he actually answered me back. I had to wait until this morning, but still. I'm just so happy that my plan worked!!
So... Here's how I'm feeling right now. I'm on this plentyoffish.com website and it's going okay I guess. But in reality I feel like what's the point? I know that Larry would want me to be happy and if I found someone else then that's fine. But... I see so many possibilities there that I don't want to give up on. They've always been there and even though I let myself like someone else this year, it was still there. I'm not trying to be obsessive. And like... Before I could tell that I was still all about him and his feelings and obsessing over how he might or might not feel about me. Now it's like... I've grown confident enough to see him as a person and a friend more than a possible love interest. I mean, I see that as well, but if we just never get our stuff together then that's unfortunate. But I've already decided that what I'm feeling isn't going to go away no matter how many other guys I find on some stupid website. But most importantly, I just want what's right for both of us. The truth is, maybe I need a website to find a potential partner that isn't Larry. I feel strongly that I'm not going to like anyone anyway because they're not him, and that may be so. But at least I'm at least getting to know these people. But truthfully, I'm kind of annoyed. I don't want to be a sugar baby or get hit on by 20 year olds. I have found a few people worth talking to but a lot of them seem cool but then just stop talking. Which is fine too. But I'm not planning on meeting any of these people and the thing that scares me is that one day someone might recognize me from that website and what if it's someone I blocked cuz they were crazy? 1:43am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 20th, 2012
9:12pm
So, I made the decision tonight to get rid of my plentyoffish account for the following reasons:
1) I already have feelings for someone and as long as I have feelings for him, I'm not going to want to meet anybody new.
2) no one has given me the good feeling that James gave me. Although there were some nice guys, they're just not for me. Too young, too old, have babies already, not my type, etc.
3) I was starting to get spammed.
4) I googled my ex's screen name and found like 3 other dating sites and I was considering joining them to see his profile. I'm sorry... I'm not that psycho.
5) I originally signed up out of boredom but I found myself not even caring if I had messages or not.
That's 5 very good reasons not to put myself out there on dating websites. I either want to be single or see what will happen with Larry. But for the most part it's the first thing.
I'm at the point where I've been single for almost a year now. There was James but that was only a couple of months. I think I started thinking about dating again so I'd have interesting stuff to write about, lol. Now I'm realizing I don't need stupid boys to entertain me.
I'm gonna watch some New Girl and try and warm up my feet.
9:22pm
December 19th, 2012
December 19th, 2012
1:04am
Hey Chels,
Well, I just turned my phone off because I was sick over obsessing over it. I have no idea what happened to Larry but hopefully soon there will be some kind of answer soon as to whether or not he got the damn cookies. Honestly if I had known this was going to happen I would have just mailed them out and saved myself the trouble of obsessing. But like... He did tell me that he would let me know if he got what I "sent" him so I'm guessing that he hadn't come home yet or his phone battery died or he was just too tired/lazy to answer me back. I really hope that nothing happened to the cookies and they were still there when his mom got home and she picked them up. That's what I'm hoping for. But it's out of my control. I'm just glad I didn't write anything embarrassing in my card to him. Frankly... Even if things didn't work out, I'm glad I made the cookies for him. It was the right move for me. And if anything I will just drive by his house tomorrow when I go back to best buy to pick up a DVD for my aunt (I got her a season of breaking bad that she already had).
Another thing I'm thinking is that maybe nobody saw it in the dark and tomorrow morning somebody will notice that there's a bucket with Larry's name on it??
Ugh. See this is why I would love it if he just answered me, lol.
In other news, I checked out Jenelle's fb profile and her picture is her and another guy. So yep... The one girl that would take him back is already with someone else after she wouldn't leave him alone practically the entire time we were together. What does it say about Barry that he kept me a secret and then flaunted his "relationships" with girls like Sarah and Jenelle? For all I know, he kicked her to the curb and is trying to better himself and she's trying to make him jealous. And I'm pretty damn sure that he could find 10 more girls just like jenelle. But he will never have anybody like me ever again and he knows it. Even though I'm the only person who actually stuck to my word and stopped speaking to him for real, I know I did the right thing. I don't care if he is trying to better his life. He could have the best life and it would still suck because I'm not the one with a class 4 felony on my record. I'm sorry but who would date that guy? Besides the desperate girls who are too stupid and naive to know any better.
So... I'm not sure about this whole plenty of fish thing. I mean, I've met a couple of nice guys but like... The majority of men are either in their 40s or in their 20s and they have kids already. This one guy is like 27 or something and has 2 kids with this woman and I guess they were married but just now got separated. I told him that the last thing he needs right now is a relationship and he stopped talking to me. He's gotta realize that yeah it sucks to be single after a long relationship but would you want to bring another woman into that mess? I'm guessing no. Not if you really were a good guy. I dunno. Some people I connect with and then they stop talking to me. I don't even know what exactly it is that I'm looking for and part of me feels like I'm cheating on Larry even though today was the first day I heard from him in a bit cuz he's been so stressed out with work and stuff.
Well, I'm exhausted so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. I will let you know when I do about what happened with the cookies. Did he get them? Did someone take them? I have no idea.
Love you!!
Rita
1:26am
1:04am
Hey Chels,
Well, I just turned my phone off because I was sick over obsessing over it. I have no idea what happened to Larry but hopefully soon there will be some kind of answer soon as to whether or not he got the damn cookies. Honestly if I had known this was going to happen I would have just mailed them out and saved myself the trouble of obsessing. But like... He did tell me that he would let me know if he got what I "sent" him so I'm guessing that he hadn't come home yet or his phone battery died or he was just too tired/lazy to answer me back. I really hope that nothing happened to the cookies and they were still there when his mom got home and she picked them up. That's what I'm hoping for. But it's out of my control. I'm just glad I didn't write anything embarrassing in my card to him. Frankly... Even if things didn't work out, I'm glad I made the cookies for him. It was the right move for me. And if anything I will just drive by his house tomorrow when I go back to best buy to pick up a DVD for my aunt (I got her a season of breaking bad that she already had).
Another thing I'm thinking is that maybe nobody saw it in the dark and tomorrow morning somebody will notice that there's a bucket with Larry's name on it??
Ugh. See this is why I would love it if he just answered me, lol.
In other news, I checked out Jenelle's fb profile and her picture is her and another guy. So yep... The one girl that would take him back is already with someone else after she wouldn't leave him alone practically the entire time we were together. What does it say about Barry that he kept me a secret and then flaunted his "relationships" with girls like Sarah and Jenelle? For all I know, he kicked her to the curb and is trying to better himself and she's trying to make him jealous. And I'm pretty damn sure that he could find 10 more girls just like jenelle. But he will never have anybody like me ever again and he knows it. Even though I'm the only person who actually stuck to my word and stopped speaking to him for real, I know I did the right thing. I don't care if he is trying to better his life. He could have the best life and it would still suck because I'm not the one with a class 4 felony on my record. I'm sorry but who would date that guy? Besides the desperate girls who are too stupid and naive to know any better.
So... I'm not sure about this whole plenty of fish thing. I mean, I've met a couple of nice guys but like... The majority of men are either in their 40s or in their 20s and they have kids already. This one guy is like 27 or something and has 2 kids with this woman and I guess they were married but just now got separated. I told him that the last thing he needs right now is a relationship and he stopped talking to me. He's gotta realize that yeah it sucks to be single after a long relationship but would you want to bring another woman into that mess? I'm guessing no. Not if you really were a good guy. I dunno. Some people I connect with and then they stop talking to me. I don't even know what exactly it is that I'm looking for and part of me feels like I'm cheating on Larry even though today was the first day I heard from him in a bit cuz he's been so stressed out with work and stuff.
Well, I'm exhausted so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. I will let you know when I do about what happened with the cookies. Did he get them? Did someone take them? I have no idea.
Love you!!
Rita
1:26am
December 17th, 2012
December 17th, 2012
2:08am
Hey Chels,
I am up way too late lol. But of course I gotta write before sleepytime. I dunno what was up with my dreams, but this weekend I had some pretty nice ones about larry. In one of my dreams, we were having sex on the floor of a bathroom and these people walked in so we stopped and for the whole rest of the dream we were always in contact with each other. My next dream was today after I woke up and texted you and then fell back asleep. I dreamed that Larry was coming over to my house and my parents were going to be asleep but my dad ended up staying awake so we all hung out in the living room and Larry held hands with me. Whenever I dream about him, it's always him and it's always things he would do in real life. I like that.
So, my mom and I finished the cookies and we got a pretty nice spread. I cannot wait to send these off to people. You know.. At first I was so shy about going over to Larry's but now I'm so excited about these cookies I don't even care. I'm still planning on going early enough in the day to where I'm hoping nobody is home but even if somebody is I could care less because that's how excited I am. It's not just because it's him, it's because I'm so happy that it's Christmas and that gives me a legit excuse to go around to people's houses and leave surprises at their door and send you and Beverly stuff. I love Christmas because I love giving people stuff. Not just anything, but I love seeing their faces when I give them something that reminds me of them or that I made especially for them. I'm really fortunate to have a good group of people to make cookies for this year as well. Not everyone gets cookies because I can't make cookies for EVERYONE but.... I send cards out too. I just love being in the holiday spirit. People get so wrapped up in getting the perfect gift that they forget that Christmas shouldn't be about the quantity of gifts but the quality. WTF, my dog is howling. That's weird. But anyway... I think that finding the best deals for stuff is overrated. I think that Christmas is about remembering the people in your family and what makes them special and why you love them. Even if you only see them once or twice a year, they're still a part of you. And friends are the family you make for yourself. And I think I have a great family here. I didn't always think that way but now I'm happy to have the friends I do have.
And I know I said this already but I cannot wait to drop off Larry's and geoff's cookies to them on Tuesday. I want it to be a complete surprise for both of them. And maybe alex on Thursday. Not sure yet though.
Alright. I'm gonna try and calm down enough to sleep. I love you!
Rita
2:26am
2:08am
Hey Chels,
I am up way too late lol. But of course I gotta write before sleepytime. I dunno what was up with my dreams, but this weekend I had some pretty nice ones about larry. In one of my dreams, we were having sex on the floor of a bathroom and these people walked in so we stopped and for the whole rest of the dream we were always in contact with each other. My next dream was today after I woke up and texted you and then fell back asleep. I dreamed that Larry was coming over to my house and my parents were going to be asleep but my dad ended up staying awake so we all hung out in the living room and Larry held hands with me. Whenever I dream about him, it's always him and it's always things he would do in real life. I like that.
So, my mom and I finished the cookies and we got a pretty nice spread. I cannot wait to send these off to people. You know.. At first I was so shy about going over to Larry's but now I'm so excited about these cookies I don't even care. I'm still planning on going early enough in the day to where I'm hoping nobody is home but even if somebody is I could care less because that's how excited I am. It's not just because it's him, it's because I'm so happy that it's Christmas and that gives me a legit excuse to go around to people's houses and leave surprises at their door and send you and Beverly stuff. I love Christmas because I love giving people stuff. Not just anything, but I love seeing their faces when I give them something that reminds me of them or that I made especially for them. I'm really fortunate to have a good group of people to make cookies for this year as well. Not everyone gets cookies because I can't make cookies for EVERYONE but.... I send cards out too. I just love being in the holiday spirit. People get so wrapped up in getting the perfect gift that they forget that Christmas shouldn't be about the quantity of gifts but the quality. WTF, my dog is howling. That's weird. But anyway... I think that finding the best deals for stuff is overrated. I think that Christmas is about remembering the people in your family and what makes them special and why you love them. Even if you only see them once or twice a year, they're still a part of you. And friends are the family you make for yourself. And I think I have a great family here. I didn't always think that way but now I'm happy to have the friends I do have.
And I know I said this already but I cannot wait to drop off Larry's and geoff's cookies to them on Tuesday. I want it to be a complete surprise for both of them. And maybe alex on Thursday. Not sure yet though.
Alright. I'm gonna try and calm down enough to sleep. I love you!
Rita
2:26am
December 16th, 2012
December 16th, 2012
1:16am
Hey Chels,
What up!! I'm just laying here waiting for my electric blanket to warm me up. So far, no good. So... I didn't do anything for the nb today. It was a nice break because I could tell Friday I was going a little nuts. I was really distracted. So... I figured out how I'm going to do this. Monday I'm going to work on NBs and take my dad to the eye doctor. My mom is paying for me and my dad to get our eyes checked. And after that, I will resume NBs. Tuesday I'm going to get up early and deliver cookies to Larry and Geoff. I figure Larry will be at work and I'm pretty sure his mom works so it will be perfect. Honestly I have been seriously thinking about mailing him cookies but that's so dumb cuz then you have to pay for postage and la la la. He lives like 5 minutes away from me. I can drop something off at his doorstep. I think it would be okay. I like surprises too much I think lol. I still wish I could leave a big box by your door. The only thing I hate is that Beverly makes me send her pictures of stuff that I get her because she hates surprises. But she still hasn't seen the butterfly candle I got her. So ha. Anyway... After Larry's I'm gonna go over to Geoff's house and leave him some cookies too. And then go home and work on NBs some more. Which I hope will bring me to Wednesday. Now... Wednesday I do have Tarot class so I need to make sure I have cookies for everyone from class. Which I'm sure I will. And also I would love to be done with your notebook by wednesday so I can get everything together for you in a big box to send on Thursday. And I think I'm going to end up driving over to Alex's on Thursday to get her her cookies as well. And also tomorrow I have to finish my Christmas cards. There's not that many people left, just have to get them all ready to be sent out on Monday. So... That's my week. Friday I'm not doing shit, lol.
You know, I also debated asking Larry if he had some free time this week so I could give him his stuff in person but... I dunno. I just feel like a surprise would be better. I know I'm overthinking it and all that. I'm just nervous. I also thought about going to his work, finding his car, and putting the package on the top or something but that would run the risk of someone stealing it or whatever the weather decides to do. I'm just nervous because it's the first gift I've ever given him. I remember telling him about this last year, actually I think it was when he first started talking to me. I mentioned in the nb how I had heard from him and we talked and he ended up flirting with me. It was right before Christmas so it was probably the day that I had driven and got people their cookies. And we had a conversation about it. And I just felt like with everything that had happened between us and everything he went through, especially in the past week, he could use some cookies too. I'm nervous to go over there too because I don't want anyone to see me. Most people are at work but I dunno his neighborhood, someone could be like a spy or something for all I know. We got them here too that's why I said that. But you know what? It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. I'm surprising a friend with baked goods because he deserves them. Man why don't I have supernatural powers to turn me invisible during times like these? Lol I just thought of something. I could park like a block away and then just walk over and leave them on his doorstep.
Man... Now I sound like a crazy woman, lol. I even just thought of driving in the dead of night so they'll be there in the morning but that's stupid too. I need to just grow a pair and do what I originally wanted. It seems like the obvious choice to go when everyone will be at work and he will come home to a nice surprise and if someone is home then... I can't do anything about that.
Ahh I bet this is cute to you, lol. It's a little annoying to me. I wish I could just have the confidence right off the bat and be like... Drive up to his house, put cookies on the doorstep, drive away. Why do I have to obsess over who will be home and who will see me, etc. It's Christmas, people do this kind of stuff all the time. I'm just... Who the fuck knows, really. I know if I just ask him to come here he won't. Not because he hates me but because of everything else going on. I mean, I could ask him. But then it was stupid of me to ask for his address if I was just going to ask him to come over here so I could give him his stuff. Alright. I'm done whining about this. I'm gonna go over there and drop them off. I'm a big girl, I can handle whatever happens. Alright now that that's finally out of my system, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep.
Love you,
Rita
1:52am.
1:16am
Hey Chels,
What up!! I'm just laying here waiting for my electric blanket to warm me up. So far, no good. So... I didn't do anything for the nb today. It was a nice break because I could tell Friday I was going a little nuts. I was really distracted. So... I figured out how I'm going to do this. Monday I'm going to work on NBs and take my dad to the eye doctor. My mom is paying for me and my dad to get our eyes checked. And after that, I will resume NBs. Tuesday I'm going to get up early and deliver cookies to Larry and Geoff. I figure Larry will be at work and I'm pretty sure his mom works so it will be perfect. Honestly I have been seriously thinking about mailing him cookies but that's so dumb cuz then you have to pay for postage and la la la. He lives like 5 minutes away from me. I can drop something off at his doorstep. I think it would be okay. I like surprises too much I think lol. I still wish I could leave a big box by your door. The only thing I hate is that Beverly makes me send her pictures of stuff that I get her because she hates surprises. But she still hasn't seen the butterfly candle I got her. So ha. Anyway... After Larry's I'm gonna go over to Geoff's house and leave him some cookies too. And then go home and work on NBs some more. Which I hope will bring me to Wednesday. Now... Wednesday I do have Tarot class so I need to make sure I have cookies for everyone from class. Which I'm sure I will. And also I would love to be done with your notebook by wednesday so I can get everything together for you in a big box to send on Thursday. And I think I'm going to end up driving over to Alex's on Thursday to get her her cookies as well. And also tomorrow I have to finish my Christmas cards. There's not that many people left, just have to get them all ready to be sent out on Monday. So... That's my week. Friday I'm not doing shit, lol.
You know, I also debated asking Larry if he had some free time this week so I could give him his stuff in person but... I dunno. I just feel like a surprise would be better. I know I'm overthinking it and all that. I'm just nervous. I also thought about going to his work, finding his car, and putting the package on the top or something but that would run the risk of someone stealing it or whatever the weather decides to do. I'm just nervous because it's the first gift I've ever given him. I remember telling him about this last year, actually I think it was when he first started talking to me. I mentioned in the nb how I had heard from him and we talked and he ended up flirting with me. It was right before Christmas so it was probably the day that I had driven and got people their cookies. And we had a conversation about it. And I just felt like with everything that had happened between us and everything he went through, especially in the past week, he could use some cookies too. I'm nervous to go over there too because I don't want anyone to see me. Most people are at work but I dunno his neighborhood, someone could be like a spy or something for all I know. We got them here too that's why I said that. But you know what? It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. I'm surprising a friend with baked goods because he deserves them. Man why don't I have supernatural powers to turn me invisible during times like these? Lol I just thought of something. I could park like a block away and then just walk over and leave them on his doorstep.
Man... Now I sound like a crazy woman, lol. I even just thought of driving in the dead of night so they'll be there in the morning but that's stupid too. I need to just grow a pair and do what I originally wanted. It seems like the obvious choice to go when everyone will be at work and he will come home to a nice surprise and if someone is home then... I can't do anything about that.
Ahh I bet this is cute to you, lol. It's a little annoying to me. I wish I could just have the confidence right off the bat and be like... Drive up to his house, put cookies on the doorstep, drive away. Why do I have to obsess over who will be home and who will see me, etc. It's Christmas, people do this kind of stuff all the time. I'm just... Who the fuck knows, really. I know if I just ask him to come here he won't. Not because he hates me but because of everything else going on. I mean, I could ask him. But then it was stupid of me to ask for his address if I was just going to ask him to come over here so I could give him his stuff. Alright. I'm done whining about this. I'm gonna go over there and drop them off. I'm a big girl, I can handle whatever happens. Alright now that that's finally out of my system, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep.
Love you,
Rita
1:52am.
December 15th, 2012
December 15th, 2012
1:19am
Hey Chels,
I am so tired but I need to write. I cannot believe what happened today (Friday dec 14th). What person makes the conscious decision to shoot up a school filled with children? And then to shoot these children? I just don't get it. I will never understand a man who would do something like this. It's funny to me that people are up in arms about obamacare, but let me tell you something. Because of obamacare, people can get treated for mental illness as real illnesses and can get treated. You know how most people are in jail because they are mentally ill? Instead of spending years behind bars these people can get treated for what is really wrong with them. I'm not saying that everyone is mentally ill. There are some sick people out there who are mentally sound but who choose to rape and kill. But a lot of people, especially people who get messed up in drugs, are most likely self medicating and get thrown in jail because there's no real place for them to get help. Okay so my point is that for this man, I'm sure there were warning signs. Nobody is fine one day and shoots up a school and kills his family and himself the next day. There had to be signs. Now, people just could of missed them or he was really good at hiding them. I'm just saying that it's fucked up how tragedies like this happen and then people go over the signs and say what could have helped, etc. I'm sure someone will come out in the following weeks that will say "I heard him say this" or "I should have stepped up," or whatever. Well, why didn't you?
Now... Am I upset at this man? Of course I am. If he wasn't already dead I would find him and kill him myself. That's how mad I feel towards him. But you know... My point in my fb status wasn't to get people pissed off at me by saying we should pray for a man who did this. My point is that what good does it do me to harbor anger for someone who did something wrong? It does me no good. So my point in praying for him wasn't because I felt bad or sorry for him. It was so I didn't have to carry around anger towards him. Because of course I am angry. My heart aches for the families who have lost children. And for the adults who lost their lives as well. But this man was someone's baby once. Something just broke inside of him so badly that he felt like this was his only way out. And you know what else pisses me off? Everyone goes on about God and prayer. But the thing is, using prayer conditionally is like a slap in the face to God. It's like loving someone but only if they reach your standards. Well obviously your standards and God's standards are different. Because you look at yourself and see a million things wrong with you and God looks at you and sees someone he loves more than anything in this world. And he feels that way about all of his children, even the ones that stray. And we all stray. I just can't stand these people that would be the first ones to pray for people only they deem it important to pray for and then nobody else. What makes me worthy of someone's thoughts and prayers? How perfect do I have to be? I am in no way justifying what this man did. Please know that. I'm just saying, I would rather spread words of healing and love than spread hate. I don't want that emotion anywhere near me. Because if I let it consume me, I won't be any happier with my life. So, with that, here is my prayer:
Dear God,
Words cannot express how my heart feels right now. Please be with the families who have lost their children today. Please put your loving arms around them and help them grieve and heal from this. Their children were robbed of their physical lives, but they have not died in vain, as they are all now with you up in heaven. And please be with every single person in this country who has been effected by this madness. I do not understand what drove this man to do what he did, but everyone is crazy with gun laws and what's the right way to pray, etc. In the heat of this moment we have all forgotten one thing: we are not strangers, but all your children and we need to come together more than anything right now. Also, I would like to say a prayer for the young man who did this. I will never understand why he did this or felt the need to end these childrens' lives. My hope for him is that now he doesn't have to struggle with whatever cross he had to bear anymore and that he can finally find some peace now. Who knows if his spirit will be at rest or if it will remain trapped in wherever he took his life. I pray that where he may be in the spiritual world, he can find a way to make things right. I pray for all those children too, that their spirits can find peace in the light as they make their way to heaven to be home again.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
It's kind of like forgiveness. People don't forgive each other so the person being forgiven can feel better. People forgive so they can let go and not harbor that anger anymore. And that's what I choose to do. I choose to forgive and pray for that man so I don't have to curse him and spread more hate and anger. But like I said before, you bet your ass I'm pissed and it will be a while before I can move on. I just can't believe 20 children in a school died today. To me that's nuts. Parents don't have enough to deal with, with kids having cancer and if they don't get that there's bullying and sexting and drugs and teen pregnancy. And now kids are going to be afraid to go to school. Around here, they put the lockdown on schools. You need to go through a certain door, get buzzed through and see someone and get signed in before you can be in the school and all the doors are locked so you can't get in from the outside unless school is in session and that door is going to be used like for photography or gym. But yeah the high school over here is locked up like fort knocks. And so is the middle school. I'm surprised that it's not like that everywhere.
I am so disgusted that my generation is the generation of school shootings. It started when I was in high school and every year it just gets worse. I don't know what exactly is going on but you know what? I was bullied all the time. In elementary school, middle school, and high school. And do you see me shooting anything up? No. Because I can't just take someone's life because they were an asshole to me. There has to be some connection between the type of parenting and the type of mental state the person is in for that person to do that. Shooting up a theater because you want to be like Heath Ledger, okay I get that. I mean, I don't condone it, but I get that people are that crazy. But... Kids?? Okay what did a 5 year old ever do to you? I'm guessing nothing. Fuck you know... I'm not condoning shootings of any kind I'm just saying I get that the joker wasn't right in the head and the guy was very predictable in what he did because it's that kind of movie. I mean, the movie did kill Heath ledger so... Even actors can't tell fake from real sometimes.
Ugh I am so freaking exhausted right now. I'm just sick of all the hate I got today, first with Mike and now this. When all I'm doing is trying to be positive. I'm not saying that the new year is magical or that I condone bad behavior. I'm just sick of all the hysterical posts spreading more lies and fear and hate. That's not the kind of person I want to be.
So... Aside from all this, I dis get to see Evelyn today. We had coffee and chatted for 2 hours. And then I came home and worked on NBs and then... Made a profile for plentyoffish.com. I found Barry's profile and it must have been before he dated me. It was well thought out and written and he was such a big fat liar. But I could tell he prolly hasn't used it since before we dated. And I also checked out james's but he didn't have his up anymore. So I'm safe from exboyfriends at least, lol. There have been a few guys who are cool but I'm not interested in meeting any of them. I was just bored tonight. I dunno, even though I like Larry, I don't think there's anything wrong with making new friends. I've already decided that I'm going to hold out for him, unless someone truly spectacular comes along. It's just that with everything Larry has been through this week and still doing inventory we haven't been talking as much and I don't always hear from Danny either and although I'm not dating anyone it's nice to have strangers tell me I'm pretty. Is that so wrong? Lol. I guess even I could use an ego boost every once in a while. But unless someone comes along that's better than Larry, I'm good with waiting. I mean, he's waited for me to heal from my wounds so the least I can do is wait until I know for sure if it's leaning towards trying something or if it's just not gonna work out romancewise. Not sure how much of a time limit I want to put on it though. I mean... Do I give it until March? Who's to say what could happen in that time? I think the only thing that could make me get over my feelings for him is if I know for sure that we wouldn't work out as a couple. But regardless I will always care about him and always love him. I think I'm going to talk about that the next time I see him. Be like, "I know you said that there was the possibility of us just ending up friends, but I have to tell you. I don't know if I could ever get over how I feel about you unless I knew that anything more wouldn't work out." see, these are the conversations I have with myself because it's hard for me to say it to his face. But I'm gonna try. The next time I see him, I want to tell him. Or the next time we talk, depending on how the conversation is going. I do want to see what will happen on new years, too. I would really like to start my year off with a kiss from him. But we will see. I have all these visions in my head but at this point I know I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing which is also ideal. I'd rather be alone than be forced to relive last year. Lol I just thought of something cute. I'm going to do my Christmas cards and when I do Larry's I'll write something nice so his family can see but then on a separate piece of paper say "and if you need someone to kiss on new years, I don't have any plans yet," lol. I probably won't do that. But it would be funny.
Okay my dear, I really need to get going. I love you and I hope I can sleep tonight.
Love,
Me
2:27am
1:19am
Hey Chels,
I am so tired but I need to write. I cannot believe what happened today (Friday dec 14th). What person makes the conscious decision to shoot up a school filled with children? And then to shoot these children? I just don't get it. I will never understand a man who would do something like this. It's funny to me that people are up in arms about obamacare, but let me tell you something. Because of obamacare, people can get treated for mental illness as real illnesses and can get treated. You know how most people are in jail because they are mentally ill? Instead of spending years behind bars these people can get treated for what is really wrong with them. I'm not saying that everyone is mentally ill. There are some sick people out there who are mentally sound but who choose to rape and kill. But a lot of people, especially people who get messed up in drugs, are most likely self medicating and get thrown in jail because there's no real place for them to get help. Okay so my point is that for this man, I'm sure there were warning signs. Nobody is fine one day and shoots up a school and kills his family and himself the next day. There had to be signs. Now, people just could of missed them or he was really good at hiding them. I'm just saying that it's fucked up how tragedies like this happen and then people go over the signs and say what could have helped, etc. I'm sure someone will come out in the following weeks that will say "I heard him say this" or "I should have stepped up," or whatever. Well, why didn't you?
Now... Am I upset at this man? Of course I am. If he wasn't already dead I would find him and kill him myself. That's how mad I feel towards him. But you know... My point in my fb status wasn't to get people pissed off at me by saying we should pray for a man who did this. My point is that what good does it do me to harbor anger for someone who did something wrong? It does me no good. So my point in praying for him wasn't because I felt bad or sorry for him. It was so I didn't have to carry around anger towards him. Because of course I am angry. My heart aches for the families who have lost children. And for the adults who lost their lives as well. But this man was someone's baby once. Something just broke inside of him so badly that he felt like this was his only way out. And you know what else pisses me off? Everyone goes on about God and prayer. But the thing is, using prayer conditionally is like a slap in the face to God. It's like loving someone but only if they reach your standards. Well obviously your standards and God's standards are different. Because you look at yourself and see a million things wrong with you and God looks at you and sees someone he loves more than anything in this world. And he feels that way about all of his children, even the ones that stray. And we all stray. I just can't stand these people that would be the first ones to pray for people only they deem it important to pray for and then nobody else. What makes me worthy of someone's thoughts and prayers? How perfect do I have to be? I am in no way justifying what this man did. Please know that. I'm just saying, I would rather spread words of healing and love than spread hate. I don't want that emotion anywhere near me. Because if I let it consume me, I won't be any happier with my life. So, with that, here is my prayer:
Dear God,
Words cannot express how my heart feels right now. Please be with the families who have lost their children today. Please put your loving arms around them and help them grieve and heal from this. Their children were robbed of their physical lives, but they have not died in vain, as they are all now with you up in heaven. And please be with every single person in this country who has been effected by this madness. I do not understand what drove this man to do what he did, but everyone is crazy with gun laws and what's the right way to pray, etc. In the heat of this moment we have all forgotten one thing: we are not strangers, but all your children and we need to come together more than anything right now. Also, I would like to say a prayer for the young man who did this. I will never understand why he did this or felt the need to end these childrens' lives. My hope for him is that now he doesn't have to struggle with whatever cross he had to bear anymore and that he can finally find some peace now. Who knows if his spirit will be at rest or if it will remain trapped in wherever he took his life. I pray that where he may be in the spiritual world, he can find a way to make things right. I pray for all those children too, that their spirits can find peace in the light as they make their way to heaven to be home again.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
It's kind of like forgiveness. People don't forgive each other so the person being forgiven can feel better. People forgive so they can let go and not harbor that anger anymore. And that's what I choose to do. I choose to forgive and pray for that man so I don't have to curse him and spread more hate and anger. But like I said before, you bet your ass I'm pissed and it will be a while before I can move on. I just can't believe 20 children in a school died today. To me that's nuts. Parents don't have enough to deal with, with kids having cancer and if they don't get that there's bullying and sexting and drugs and teen pregnancy. And now kids are going to be afraid to go to school. Around here, they put the lockdown on schools. You need to go through a certain door, get buzzed through and see someone and get signed in before you can be in the school and all the doors are locked so you can't get in from the outside unless school is in session and that door is going to be used like for photography or gym. But yeah the high school over here is locked up like fort knocks. And so is the middle school. I'm surprised that it's not like that everywhere.
I am so disgusted that my generation is the generation of school shootings. It started when I was in high school and every year it just gets worse. I don't know what exactly is going on but you know what? I was bullied all the time. In elementary school, middle school, and high school. And do you see me shooting anything up? No. Because I can't just take someone's life because they were an asshole to me. There has to be some connection between the type of parenting and the type of mental state the person is in for that person to do that. Shooting up a theater because you want to be like Heath Ledger, okay I get that. I mean, I don't condone it, but I get that people are that crazy. But... Kids?? Okay what did a 5 year old ever do to you? I'm guessing nothing. Fuck you know... I'm not condoning shootings of any kind I'm just saying I get that the joker wasn't right in the head and the guy was very predictable in what he did because it's that kind of movie. I mean, the movie did kill Heath ledger so... Even actors can't tell fake from real sometimes.
Ugh I am so freaking exhausted right now. I'm just sick of all the hate I got today, first with Mike and now this. When all I'm doing is trying to be positive. I'm not saying that the new year is magical or that I condone bad behavior. I'm just sick of all the hysterical posts spreading more lies and fear and hate. That's not the kind of person I want to be.
So... Aside from all this, I dis get to see Evelyn today. We had coffee and chatted for 2 hours. And then I came home and worked on NBs and then... Made a profile for plentyoffish.com. I found Barry's profile and it must have been before he dated me. It was well thought out and written and he was such a big fat liar. But I could tell he prolly hasn't used it since before we dated. And I also checked out james's but he didn't have his up anymore. So I'm safe from exboyfriends at least, lol. There have been a few guys who are cool but I'm not interested in meeting any of them. I was just bored tonight. I dunno, even though I like Larry, I don't think there's anything wrong with making new friends. I've already decided that I'm going to hold out for him, unless someone truly spectacular comes along. It's just that with everything Larry has been through this week and still doing inventory we haven't been talking as much and I don't always hear from Danny either and although I'm not dating anyone it's nice to have strangers tell me I'm pretty. Is that so wrong? Lol. I guess even I could use an ego boost every once in a while. But unless someone comes along that's better than Larry, I'm good with waiting. I mean, he's waited for me to heal from my wounds so the least I can do is wait until I know for sure if it's leaning towards trying something or if it's just not gonna work out romancewise. Not sure how much of a time limit I want to put on it though. I mean... Do I give it until March? Who's to say what could happen in that time? I think the only thing that could make me get over my feelings for him is if I know for sure that we wouldn't work out as a couple. But regardless I will always care about him and always love him. I think I'm going to talk about that the next time I see him. Be like, "I know you said that there was the possibility of us just ending up friends, but I have to tell you. I don't know if I could ever get over how I feel about you unless I knew that anything more wouldn't work out." see, these are the conversations I have with myself because it's hard for me to say it to his face. But I'm gonna try. The next time I see him, I want to tell him. Or the next time we talk, depending on how the conversation is going. I do want to see what will happen on new years, too. I would really like to start my year off with a kiss from him. But we will see. I have all these visions in my head but at this point I know I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing which is also ideal. I'd rather be alone than be forced to relive last year. Lol I just thought of something cute. I'm going to do my Christmas cards and when I do Larry's I'll write something nice so his family can see but then on a separate piece of paper say "and if you need someone to kiss on new years, I don't have any plans yet," lol. I probably won't do that. But it would be funny.
Okay my dear, I really need to get going. I love you and I hope I can sleep tonight.
Love,
Me
2:27am
December 14th, 2012
December 14th, 2012
1:35am
Hey Chels,
Ugh this Mike guy is bugging the shit out of me. I went through hell this year. I am pretty damn sure that I will never have another heroin addicted boyfriend in my lifetime. Of course he doesn't know that but whatever. He's just annoying me right now.
I feel so bad for Larry. First his godfather dies and then today he finds out a friend of his got laid off from the hospital he works at. I met her that night at the bowling alley because she's a bartender also. She still has that job which is good but guessing from his mood I would say that losing the hospital job was not a good thing for her. I have been giving him extra prayers and positive energy this week. I hope it worked even a little.
I am so glad I'm almost finished with my project! But I can't believe that the last two books had all that crazy stuff in there. I might have to redo those and you know what? I might turn it into one book and see if that works better. Then I'm not sure what I will do with those two. It just depends on if I feel like going through the whole book and whiting out all the mistakes or just making a new book. But I can't think about that until I'm done with this one anyway cuz I don't want any distractions until I'm done with one thing.
So... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm pretty sure this is the weekend that Stephanie would come into town for Christmas dinner because it happened around the same time last year. It's gonna be crazy... Barry is going to bring his crazy girlfriend jenelle, Stephanie is going to bring her husband Matt, and I don't even know if Chris is still alive or not. I just feel like I wish I could find out how things are going for everyone without having to ask. I'm not curious enough to create a stupid fake stalker profile... I just want to know. I think it's nuts because Stephanie was still with KC last year and then bam she's married to someone completely different now. And her mom liked me and said she hoped Barry brought me around next year. Well it's next year and I'm not gonna be there. I'm pretty sure someone's gonna ask about me. Talk about awkward. I wish I could know!!! But it's more to satisfy my curiosity than actually giving a shit about these people. Like... With everything that happened with Stephanie this year, I don't give a shit if she's happy. She ruined my weekend and then dragged KC through the mud, cheated on him then flipped the fuck out when he wasn't kissing her ass anymore and then she just up and marries some guy who is perfect after 2 whole weeks. I'll be surprised if they make it till next year around this time. And as for Barry, he can say what he wants to about me. The truth is I was the best thing that happened to him and he treated me like shit. He could date Cindy Crawford and it wouldn't matter, I know I treated him better than anyone else he had been with and he did what he could to try and destroy me but it didn't work. I am starting a new year off on my own terms and anyone who doesn't like it, well too damn bad.
Also, I realized something. I was obsessing over asking Larry about if he saw us being more than friends and I never got the courage to ask, not even now. But it's not out of fear of what the answer will be. It's because if we have that conversation, it might result in us officially trying. And that would be the end of me being single. And honestly, yes I could see myself with him. I love being around him, I love him in general. But it's not a selfish kind of love. It's a general I love him as a person and want him to be happy kind of thing. And he knows I've been in enough bad relationships to truly appreciate when a good man comes along. And everything he did this year was because he cared about me. He might not have executed certain things properly but you know... He really did more for me than anyone else I've ever been with. For one he gave me space and was prepared to let me go just because he wanted me to be happy and try and find someone else I could be happy with. And he tried to give me as much space as he could because he knew that I needed a friend more than a boyfriend at that particular time. And I know that he loves me the same way that I love him. So yeah I would love to see us work things out. But am I ready for that yet? I'm gonna say no because as much as I care about him, I'm still enjoying being on my own. And obviously if I wanted to have him as a boyfriend already I would be hounding him to answer me and all of that. But frankly... Am I ready to fall in love again and be in love with someone? If I was, I would definitely be putting myself out there more, would probably still be seeing James and trying to be optimistic even though he's a moron. It's funny how quickly he forgot me since he got his comic books back. But I'm just glad I don't have to talk about the same things over and over again anymore. It was like adding more salt to an open wound. I definitely would not be ready or willing to give my heart to someone who would be a dick about my feelings and try and play it off. There's a reason why he's still single. Because he fucked up probably the one girl who actually liked him.
And then there's Mark. I get it that he likes me. And he's not bad to hang out with. But omg if he mentions wanting to hang out again I'm going to fucking scream. It's every week. Almost every time we talk he asks me out and I always say no. It's like... No I don't want to hang out with you because everytime we hang out you always ask me out on a real date and I hate turning someone down flat but now I haven't even said anything about it and it's been a while. It's not just about not liking him that way anymore. Now that I have my freedom I don't want to get rid of it. I'd like to hold onto this time where I'm just me for as long as I can. I'm not gonna sleep with anybody, not going to date around, just deal with my own stuff.
Phew, I feel like I breezed through a bunch of topics. I better get my happy ass to bed because I'm going to be hanging out with a friend tomorrow :). Or at least I hope. It's Evelyn!
Love,
Me
2:14am
1:35am
Hey Chels,
Ugh this Mike guy is bugging the shit out of me. I went through hell this year. I am pretty damn sure that I will never have another heroin addicted boyfriend in my lifetime. Of course he doesn't know that but whatever. He's just annoying me right now.
I feel so bad for Larry. First his godfather dies and then today he finds out a friend of his got laid off from the hospital he works at. I met her that night at the bowling alley because she's a bartender also. She still has that job which is good but guessing from his mood I would say that losing the hospital job was not a good thing for her. I have been giving him extra prayers and positive energy this week. I hope it worked even a little.
I am so glad I'm almost finished with my project! But I can't believe that the last two books had all that crazy stuff in there. I might have to redo those and you know what? I might turn it into one book and see if that works better. Then I'm not sure what I will do with those two. It just depends on if I feel like going through the whole book and whiting out all the mistakes or just making a new book. But I can't think about that until I'm done with this one anyway cuz I don't want any distractions until I'm done with one thing.
So... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm pretty sure this is the weekend that Stephanie would come into town for Christmas dinner because it happened around the same time last year. It's gonna be crazy... Barry is going to bring his crazy girlfriend jenelle, Stephanie is going to bring her husband Matt, and I don't even know if Chris is still alive or not. I just feel like I wish I could find out how things are going for everyone without having to ask. I'm not curious enough to create a stupid fake stalker profile... I just want to know. I think it's nuts because Stephanie was still with KC last year and then bam she's married to someone completely different now. And her mom liked me and said she hoped Barry brought me around next year. Well it's next year and I'm not gonna be there. I'm pretty sure someone's gonna ask about me. Talk about awkward. I wish I could know!!! But it's more to satisfy my curiosity than actually giving a shit about these people. Like... With everything that happened with Stephanie this year, I don't give a shit if she's happy. She ruined my weekend and then dragged KC through the mud, cheated on him then flipped the fuck out when he wasn't kissing her ass anymore and then she just up and marries some guy who is perfect after 2 whole weeks. I'll be surprised if they make it till next year around this time. And as for Barry, he can say what he wants to about me. The truth is I was the best thing that happened to him and he treated me like shit. He could date Cindy Crawford and it wouldn't matter, I know I treated him better than anyone else he had been with and he did what he could to try and destroy me but it didn't work. I am starting a new year off on my own terms and anyone who doesn't like it, well too damn bad.
Also, I realized something. I was obsessing over asking Larry about if he saw us being more than friends and I never got the courage to ask, not even now. But it's not out of fear of what the answer will be. It's because if we have that conversation, it might result in us officially trying. And that would be the end of me being single. And honestly, yes I could see myself with him. I love being around him, I love him in general. But it's not a selfish kind of love. It's a general I love him as a person and want him to be happy kind of thing. And he knows I've been in enough bad relationships to truly appreciate when a good man comes along. And everything he did this year was because he cared about me. He might not have executed certain things properly but you know... He really did more for me than anyone else I've ever been with. For one he gave me space and was prepared to let me go just because he wanted me to be happy and try and find someone else I could be happy with. And he tried to give me as much space as he could because he knew that I needed a friend more than a boyfriend at that particular time. And I know that he loves me the same way that I love him. So yeah I would love to see us work things out. But am I ready for that yet? I'm gonna say no because as much as I care about him, I'm still enjoying being on my own. And obviously if I wanted to have him as a boyfriend already I would be hounding him to answer me and all of that. But frankly... Am I ready to fall in love again and be in love with someone? If I was, I would definitely be putting myself out there more, would probably still be seeing James and trying to be optimistic even though he's a moron. It's funny how quickly he forgot me since he got his comic books back. But I'm just glad I don't have to talk about the same things over and over again anymore. It was like adding more salt to an open wound. I definitely would not be ready or willing to give my heart to someone who would be a dick about my feelings and try and play it off. There's a reason why he's still single. Because he fucked up probably the one girl who actually liked him.
And then there's Mark. I get it that he likes me. And he's not bad to hang out with. But omg if he mentions wanting to hang out again I'm going to fucking scream. It's every week. Almost every time we talk he asks me out and I always say no. It's like... No I don't want to hang out with you because everytime we hang out you always ask me out on a real date and I hate turning someone down flat but now I haven't even said anything about it and it's been a while. It's not just about not liking him that way anymore. Now that I have my freedom I don't want to get rid of it. I'd like to hold onto this time where I'm just me for as long as I can. I'm not gonna sleep with anybody, not going to date around, just deal with my own stuff.
Phew, I feel like I breezed through a bunch of topics. I better get my happy ass to bed because I'm going to be hanging out with a friend tomorrow :). Or at least I hope. It's Evelyn!
Love,
Me
2:14am
December 11th, 2012
December 11th, 2012
12:42am
Hey Chels,
I'm doing it again! I feel like I'm neglecting writing in the nb even though I can clearly see that I'm not because I do take time to write in it. Between working on getting the last 300 pages of the last nb done for you plus taking care of my dad and then figuring out my cookie situation for this weekend, I am tapped out. I think I'm going to make cookies for you, Beverly, Geoff, alex, and maybe Larry. He's helped me a lot this year and he's gone through a lot so he can have some cookies too lol. I already told you this but his godfather passed away on Saturday. I know he'll be okay but I lit a candle for him anyways. Apparently he was found dead and Larry still has no idea how he died so I think that's what prompted me to light a candle for the situation. I also just told you what was "happening" with us which is basically nothing right now. But honestly I'm okay with waiting. I'm not giving him any time frames or anything like that. I just don't have the energy to bring any other boys into the mix right now. And I'm doing fine on my own. I am going to have to talk to Mark though because it's been a while and no one has said anything. I feel like I need to put my big girl pants on and tell him that I just can't go on a date with someone I don't have romantic feelings for. I'll still be friends with him but he needs to respect that fact.
But in other news, my dad's appointment went okay. The doctor was concerned about how many meds he was on and wants my mom to come in so they can all have a discussion about what meds he really needs and which ones he can get off of. I personally have been saying this for years now, that he's on too many meds, but whatever. Modern medicine is great and all but he has like 16 different medications he's taking all at once. And to me, that's a lot.
Ugh, I'm so tired. My period is gone finally but still lingering and it's annoying me. But at least my boobs aren't hurting as much. Also... I just can't wait for this year to be over. I am so ready for next year. I know already that no matter what happens to me next year, it could not possibly be worse than what I've already been through. You know what I was thinking, though? I think it's funny that I was so upset by what Ryan was doing to you. I was making all these points that he was abusing you and you let him. And then you'd see me doing the same thing with Barry. Why didn't I ask him about the track marks when I first saw them? Why didn't I stand up for myself when it came to Sarah? And why did I just let myself be around all that filth? Why didn't I say anything when he started pulling away from me? And when shit got really bad, I was just so thankful to be getting any attention from him. It was like, the worse he was treating me, the more I just let him. It's no wonder why I freaked out on James and why I'm not in any hurry to have a boyfriend. I'm not saying that Larry would treat me that way, but it's a hard thing to bounce back from. And what does it say about me that I felt like I couldn't open my mouth? Did I feel like my feelings didn't count? It sure seemed like it. The best thing I could have done for myself was kick him out of my life. And even if it doesn't end up working with you and Brian, you're better off without stupid Ryan fucking up your life. I'm glad you guys made up but I really hope that Brian starts talking soon because you wanted to move somewhere like Cali and he finally got you to be on board with Indiana and he's ruining it already. I just want some kind of explanation for this. I support whatever you choose as long as it makes you happy but you did not deserve being treated that way. I got that reaction from two different boyfriends... Neither situation turned out great.
All I'm saying is, he better apologize and not make it a habit. If it happens again.... I'm gonna have to kick his ass. I can't do much from here but I'm the one he wants to impress. I'm the best friend. And so far he was doing great until that point.
Anyhow, I think I'm going to shut my eyes for a minute. I'm really too tired to write and I want to see how early I can start tomorrow. I figured that if I did a chapter a day I could be done by Saturday. And I got a head start on chapter 2 already. I'm just going to type as much as I can every day. If I can get through a whole chapter in 2 days then when I've already started working on one I'm pretty sure I can get through it in less than a day. I gotta do as much as I can because I have to do tarot stuff on Wednesday plus take my dad to the pain clinic.
Love you!
Rita
1:11am
12:42am
Hey Chels,
I'm doing it again! I feel like I'm neglecting writing in the nb even though I can clearly see that I'm not because I do take time to write in it. Between working on getting the last 300 pages of the last nb done for you plus taking care of my dad and then figuring out my cookie situation for this weekend, I am tapped out. I think I'm going to make cookies for you, Beverly, Geoff, alex, and maybe Larry. He's helped me a lot this year and he's gone through a lot so he can have some cookies too lol. I already told you this but his godfather passed away on Saturday. I know he'll be okay but I lit a candle for him anyways. Apparently he was found dead and Larry still has no idea how he died so I think that's what prompted me to light a candle for the situation. I also just told you what was "happening" with us which is basically nothing right now. But honestly I'm okay with waiting. I'm not giving him any time frames or anything like that. I just don't have the energy to bring any other boys into the mix right now. And I'm doing fine on my own. I am going to have to talk to Mark though because it's been a while and no one has said anything. I feel like I need to put my big girl pants on and tell him that I just can't go on a date with someone I don't have romantic feelings for. I'll still be friends with him but he needs to respect that fact.
But in other news, my dad's appointment went okay. The doctor was concerned about how many meds he was on and wants my mom to come in so they can all have a discussion about what meds he really needs and which ones he can get off of. I personally have been saying this for years now, that he's on too many meds, but whatever. Modern medicine is great and all but he has like 16 different medications he's taking all at once. And to me, that's a lot.
Ugh, I'm so tired. My period is gone finally but still lingering and it's annoying me. But at least my boobs aren't hurting as much. Also... I just can't wait for this year to be over. I am so ready for next year. I know already that no matter what happens to me next year, it could not possibly be worse than what I've already been through. You know what I was thinking, though? I think it's funny that I was so upset by what Ryan was doing to you. I was making all these points that he was abusing you and you let him. And then you'd see me doing the same thing with Barry. Why didn't I ask him about the track marks when I first saw them? Why didn't I stand up for myself when it came to Sarah? And why did I just let myself be around all that filth? Why didn't I say anything when he started pulling away from me? And when shit got really bad, I was just so thankful to be getting any attention from him. It was like, the worse he was treating me, the more I just let him. It's no wonder why I freaked out on James and why I'm not in any hurry to have a boyfriend. I'm not saying that Larry would treat me that way, but it's a hard thing to bounce back from. And what does it say about me that I felt like I couldn't open my mouth? Did I feel like my feelings didn't count? It sure seemed like it. The best thing I could have done for myself was kick him out of my life. And even if it doesn't end up working with you and Brian, you're better off without stupid Ryan fucking up your life. I'm glad you guys made up but I really hope that Brian starts talking soon because you wanted to move somewhere like Cali and he finally got you to be on board with Indiana and he's ruining it already. I just want some kind of explanation for this. I support whatever you choose as long as it makes you happy but you did not deserve being treated that way. I got that reaction from two different boyfriends... Neither situation turned out great.
All I'm saying is, he better apologize and not make it a habit. If it happens again.... I'm gonna have to kick his ass. I can't do much from here but I'm the one he wants to impress. I'm the best friend. And so far he was doing great until that point.
Anyhow, I think I'm going to shut my eyes for a minute. I'm really too tired to write and I want to see how early I can start tomorrow. I figured that if I did a chapter a day I could be done by Saturday. And I got a head start on chapter 2 already. I'm just going to type as much as I can every day. If I can get through a whole chapter in 2 days then when I've already started working on one I'm pretty sure I can get through it in less than a day. I gotta do as much as I can because I have to do tarot stuff on Wednesday plus take my dad to the pain clinic.
Love you!
Rita
1:11am
December 9th, 2012
December 9th, 2012
1:18am
Hey Chels,
I was about to go to sleep when it hit me. I am on notebook number 3 and am so close to finishing my goal of sending you the 3 notebooks by Christmas. I want to get finished the week before Christmas so I'm going to be working my ass off this week on nothing but this project to get it done. I know I'm putting studying on hold but it's the end of the year, I need to get this stuff done to finally send off to you and I am so close to getting that done! It makes me want to work on it now, lol. I have no idea how much I'm going to get done by tomorrow but I'm not going to even count, just go into work mode.
This is going to be short because I have an idea for one of my stories and want to write on that for a while. Love you!
Rita
1:22am
1:18am
Hey Chels,
I was about to go to sleep when it hit me. I am on notebook number 3 and am so close to finishing my goal of sending you the 3 notebooks by Christmas. I want to get finished the week before Christmas so I'm going to be working my ass off this week on nothing but this project to get it done. I know I'm putting studying on hold but it's the end of the year, I need to get this stuff done to finally send off to you and I am so close to getting that done! It makes me want to work on it now, lol. I have no idea how much I'm going to get done by tomorrow but I'm not going to even count, just go into work mode.
This is going to be short because I have an idea for one of my stories and want to write on that for a while. Love you!
Rita
1:22am
December 8th, 2012 meditation
Winter Goddess Blessings
8 December
MEDITATION
How often do you, my sisters, enter into the place of silence? That sacred space of listening for the whispers of the divine? The energies of this time of year are conducive for 'going within'...
There is a precious gift awaiting those willing to step into these unknown realms... Though, the path may be dark, scary and void of conscious comfort and security, it is a journey of great reward. Somewhere within the quiet moments of unspoken embrace with the ethereal realm; the place where you've planted your dream seeds, the place where all that you most desire awaits physical manifestation.... you will find your authentic self and a deeper understanding of the sacred and mystical forces of life itself. If we are brave enough to remain in this place of inner solitude, we will find we are not alone. We are one with the Great Mystery. We are one with truth, with love, with life.
There are many ways to meditate... some focus on their breath, others walk a labyrinth, or repeat a mantra. Many sit quietly and allow their thoughts to pass by like clouds in the vast blue sky. Remaining in the moment, NOW, is meditation. The quiet mind of day dreaming, is a form of meditation we innately knew in childhood. Some follow a path inward by listening to a guided meditation. I've often entered into a deeply meditative state while performing mundane tasks (such as washing dishes), as well as while sitting alone in nature, sipping a glass of wine, and even during the half awake, half asleep state of being. How ever you choose to meditate, it is a beneficial experience.
During this season of darkness, let's take time to meditate daily, not only to reduce stress, but to become more aware of our deeper purpose in life. Somewhere in the stillness, we will hear the gentle whispering of our spirit which will awaken us to the wisdom we were born to remember. ?
photo:
Winter Meditation
by witchy poo
“Meditation is an essential travel partner on your journey of personal transformation. Meditation connects you with your soul, and this connection gives you access to your intuition, your heartfelt desires, your integrity, and the inspiration to create a life you love.”
? Sarah McLean
8 December
MEDITATION
How often do you, my sisters, enter into the place of silence? That sacred space of listening for the whispers of the divine? The energies of this time of year are conducive for 'going within'...
There is a precious gift awaiting those willing to step into these unknown realms... Though, the path may be dark, scary and void of conscious comfort and security, it is a journey of great reward. Somewhere within the quiet moments of unspoken embrace with the ethereal realm; the place where you've planted your dream seeds, the place where all that you most desire awaits physical manifestation.... you will find your authentic self and a deeper understanding of the sacred and mystical forces of life itself. If we are brave enough to remain in this place of inner solitude, we will find we are not alone. We are one with the Great Mystery. We are one with truth, with love, with life.
There are many ways to meditate... some focus on their breath, others walk a labyrinth, or repeat a mantra. Many sit quietly and allow their thoughts to pass by like clouds in the vast blue sky. Remaining in the moment, NOW, is meditation. The quiet mind of day dreaming, is a form of meditation we innately knew in childhood. Some follow a path inward by listening to a guided meditation. I've often entered into a deeply meditative state while performing mundane tasks (such as washing dishes), as well as while sitting alone in nature, sipping a glass of wine, and even during the half awake, half asleep state of being. How ever you choose to meditate, it is a beneficial experience.
During this season of darkness, let's take time to meditate daily, not only to reduce stress, but to become more aware of our deeper purpose in life. Somewhere in the stillness, we will hear the gentle whispering of our spirit which will awaken us to the wisdom we were born to remember. ?
photo:
Winter Meditation
by witchy poo
“Meditation is an essential travel partner on your journey of personal transformation. Meditation connects you with your soul, and this connection gives you access to your intuition, your heartfelt desires, your integrity, and the inspiration to create a life you love.”
? Sarah McLean
December 7th, 2012
December 7th, 2012
1:20am
Hey Chels,
I am freaking exhausted but I thought before I went to bed I'm gonna write for a little bit. So, in spite of the horrible cramps I had all day, it wasn't a complete bust. My dad had a good day so there was less stress for me to worry about. And I think tomorrow I'm going to send both of my stories to my mom for her to read. I really value her opinion and even though I've gotten great feedback, I want to make sure I'm on the right track. And when I feel better (and when my dad doesn't have a million doctor appointments) I am going to go to the library to write. I can just picture myself sitting in a comfy chair looking out the window at the view and just being inspired to write. I can't wait until that actually happens.
So, I've been thinking a lot about boys. Especially ones that I've had to deal with this year. Even though I'm pretty much over him, I can't help thinking about James. I mean... We had our first kiss and first sexual encounter in the same day. A part of me isn't ashamed that it happened, I mean we're both adults, but a part of me wishes I could have just told him that I didn't want to do that yet. He made such a big deal about what he thought about women who put out on the first date and I feel like that was a test that I failed because he didn't want to be my real boyfriend 2 months later. I just liked him and thought we had a connection... Normally I don't jump into bed that easily but whatever. Also, I'm wondering where that guy went. Like, the more I got to know him, the more insecure he became. Like all he would talk about was his penis and how fat he wasn't. And it drove me nuts. I have no idea why he would even go there but it was like... Awkward because how many times can you tell someone that they're not fat and just shut up about it?
I guess I do still miss him. He was great before we met. I'm pretty sure it was a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway. I just can't be with someone who right off the bat thinks the sex will eventually be boring and we will run out of things to talk about and I'm the only crazy one. It was like he worked so hard to get me and when I came back he did everything he could to drive me away and it worked. I just wish he had been the really funny guy that I had a good feeling about before all that stuff happened.
I still have no idea what to think about Larry. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all and other times I can't get him to shut up. But I think I'm done with dating for a while. I have no desire anymore to make a profile on any website, fake or real. I just want to suck up as much alone time as I can before some great guy comes along and makes me forget why I want to be single. I do care about Larry though but sometimes I feel optimistic and things will happen when they're supposed to and other times I feel like "where is this going? Does he just want to be friends with me? Does he eventually want to be more? What is he waiting for?" I know I could always ask but most of the time it just seems like the wrong time to ask. I could have asked the last time we were talking all night but my head hurt and my dad was throwing up so I did not need that conversation. But the next time it happens, I'm not making any more excuses. It's not even like I want him as my boyfriend now. I just want to know what's going on in that head of his. I would be willing to try things out and see where they go but if he doesn't want to then I'm not going to invest any energy into anything besides friendship. I think that's only fair. I just want to know that if I gave my heart to him one day he wouldn't hand it back to me. If we went that way. Ugh I hate when I get obsessive. I just really want to know! I feel like I will have my answer before the year is up. I just don't know what it will be.
Alright, I'm gonna get going. I love you and I'm so excited because depending on how I feel tomorrow, I am either going to try to finish typing up the nb or do my tarot cards. I'm hoping for both but... Well you know me. Maybe I should do a relationship tarot reading for myself and a moving reading for you. I think I will do that soon.
Love!
Rita
1:45am
1:20am
Hey Chels,
I am freaking exhausted but I thought before I went to bed I'm gonna write for a little bit. So, in spite of the horrible cramps I had all day, it wasn't a complete bust. My dad had a good day so there was less stress for me to worry about. And I think tomorrow I'm going to send both of my stories to my mom for her to read. I really value her opinion and even though I've gotten great feedback, I want to make sure I'm on the right track. And when I feel better (and when my dad doesn't have a million doctor appointments) I am going to go to the library to write. I can just picture myself sitting in a comfy chair looking out the window at the view and just being inspired to write. I can't wait until that actually happens.
So, I've been thinking a lot about boys. Especially ones that I've had to deal with this year. Even though I'm pretty much over him, I can't help thinking about James. I mean... We had our first kiss and first sexual encounter in the same day. A part of me isn't ashamed that it happened, I mean we're both adults, but a part of me wishes I could have just told him that I didn't want to do that yet. He made such a big deal about what he thought about women who put out on the first date and I feel like that was a test that I failed because he didn't want to be my real boyfriend 2 months later. I just liked him and thought we had a connection... Normally I don't jump into bed that easily but whatever. Also, I'm wondering where that guy went. Like, the more I got to know him, the more insecure he became. Like all he would talk about was his penis and how fat he wasn't. And it drove me nuts. I have no idea why he would even go there but it was like... Awkward because how many times can you tell someone that they're not fat and just shut up about it?
I guess I do still miss him. He was great before we met. I'm pretty sure it was a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway. I just can't be with someone who right off the bat thinks the sex will eventually be boring and we will run out of things to talk about and I'm the only crazy one. It was like he worked so hard to get me and when I came back he did everything he could to drive me away and it worked. I just wish he had been the really funny guy that I had a good feeling about before all that stuff happened.
I still have no idea what to think about Larry. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all and other times I can't get him to shut up. But I think I'm done with dating for a while. I have no desire anymore to make a profile on any website, fake or real. I just want to suck up as much alone time as I can before some great guy comes along and makes me forget why I want to be single. I do care about Larry though but sometimes I feel optimistic and things will happen when they're supposed to and other times I feel like "where is this going? Does he just want to be friends with me? Does he eventually want to be more? What is he waiting for?" I know I could always ask but most of the time it just seems like the wrong time to ask. I could have asked the last time we were talking all night but my head hurt and my dad was throwing up so I did not need that conversation. But the next time it happens, I'm not making any more excuses. It's not even like I want him as my boyfriend now. I just want to know what's going on in that head of his. I would be willing to try things out and see where they go but if he doesn't want to then I'm not going to invest any energy into anything besides friendship. I think that's only fair. I just want to know that if I gave my heart to him one day he wouldn't hand it back to me. If we went that way. Ugh I hate when I get obsessive. I just really want to know! I feel like I will have my answer before the year is up. I just don't know what it will be.
Alright, I'm gonna get going. I love you and I'm so excited because depending on how I feel tomorrow, I am either going to try to finish typing up the nb or do my tarot cards. I'm hoping for both but... Well you know me. Maybe I should do a relationship tarot reading for myself and a moving reading for you. I think I will do that soon.
Love!
Rita
1:45am
December 6th, 2012
December 6th, 2012
1:09am
Hey Chels,
Well, I'm not really sure how much time I have because my battery is all low but I will try to write as much as I can. So, my aunt ultimately never ended up coming to see my dad because he didn't want her to. He was just so sick he didn't want to get her sick. So... He ended up coming home today which was great but I got my period and now I feel like crap. Normally it's not too bad on the first day but I really feel like I'm in full swing already. Not sure what that's about but oh well.
So, I'm going to have to take my dad to lots of doctor visits in the next few weeks. I do know that my mom and I will in fact be doing our Christmas cookies this year and I think we are going to change it up. So... Aside from that and working on your present, I hope I can find some time to study and do my tarot cards. I am on cups now and want to finish those by next Wednesday. I just dunno where I'm going to find the time or the energy. But I have to clean my turtle tank soon because it's a mess. I have to stop half-ass cleaning his tank. Meh.
So, I'm so sorry about your baby Zorro. I hate to even say this but that's why I get so flipping pissed off at my neighbor who lets her cats out all day and lets them just roam everywhere. I know that there's a difference between inside and outside cats and that cats are different than dogs but when you make the decision to let them be outside cats, there's always going to be a risk that they will get hit by a car or something like that. I say all of this out of love. I know you loved that cat. But you know, at least he died quickly. And at least he had you to take care of him for so long. I know how you love animals.
Ugh, this period is making me so uncomfortable!!! I wish I could just sleep for 3 days and not deal with it at all. But I'm really glad that I don't have to go to the hospital anymore. At least... I hope not. I was scared of him going back in and he did, and then I predicted he was coming home Wednesday and he did. I'm not sure if he's going back in but you best believe I'm going to be watching him like a hawk for a while.
I was going through my nb from last year and it's just so... Sad. You can tell where I was starting to lose it, the best relationship I had ever been in was crumbling before my eyes and I could see us drifting apart and spending less time together and I had no idea why. I feel like between his obsession with Sarah and his probation at the very beginning of last year, I got a different guy completely. I thought for sure that he was this great guy and I was always waiting for him to love me and I don't think that ever really happened. He was up Sarah's ass for 4 months and he was never that way with me. But in the end I know I did the right thing by walking away completely. It is just so strange to go back and read about all the crazy and when you read it you'll be like, "wow she really had no idea." I was trying to hold it all together. I thought that if I just shut my mouth everything would be fine. But it just kept getting worse. And he was okay with not seeing me. Because his addiction came first before anything. Including the only normal girl who had ever given him her heart. It just breaks my heart to read about that girl. To know what she's about to go through. But the ending is happy!!
Alright, I'm gonna go for now. I love you and I can't wait to see what this month brings. I'm praying that I get as much as I can done by the new year because that's when I want to start my new notebook and get that one sent off to you. It's already typed, that's the beauty of it. It'd be funny if I printed out the whole book so I wouldn't have to spend months writing it, but then you'd miss my handwriting and I want to go slow so I can finish my books.
Love you,
Rita
1:34am
1:09am
Hey Chels,
Well, I'm not really sure how much time I have because my battery is all low but I will try to write as much as I can. So, my aunt ultimately never ended up coming to see my dad because he didn't want her to. He was just so sick he didn't want to get her sick. So... He ended up coming home today which was great but I got my period and now I feel like crap. Normally it's not too bad on the first day but I really feel like I'm in full swing already. Not sure what that's about but oh well.
So, I'm going to have to take my dad to lots of doctor visits in the next few weeks. I do know that my mom and I will in fact be doing our Christmas cookies this year and I think we are going to change it up. So... Aside from that and working on your present, I hope I can find some time to study and do my tarot cards. I am on cups now and want to finish those by next Wednesday. I just dunno where I'm going to find the time or the energy. But I have to clean my turtle tank soon because it's a mess. I have to stop half-ass cleaning his tank. Meh.
So, I'm so sorry about your baby Zorro. I hate to even say this but that's why I get so flipping pissed off at my neighbor who lets her cats out all day and lets them just roam everywhere. I know that there's a difference between inside and outside cats and that cats are different than dogs but when you make the decision to let them be outside cats, there's always going to be a risk that they will get hit by a car or something like that. I say all of this out of love. I know you loved that cat. But you know, at least he died quickly. And at least he had you to take care of him for so long. I know how you love animals.
Ugh, this period is making me so uncomfortable!!! I wish I could just sleep for 3 days and not deal with it at all. But I'm really glad that I don't have to go to the hospital anymore. At least... I hope not. I was scared of him going back in and he did, and then I predicted he was coming home Wednesday and he did. I'm not sure if he's going back in but you best believe I'm going to be watching him like a hawk for a while.
I was going through my nb from last year and it's just so... Sad. You can tell where I was starting to lose it, the best relationship I had ever been in was crumbling before my eyes and I could see us drifting apart and spending less time together and I had no idea why. I feel like between his obsession with Sarah and his probation at the very beginning of last year, I got a different guy completely. I thought for sure that he was this great guy and I was always waiting for him to love me and I don't think that ever really happened. He was up Sarah's ass for 4 months and he was never that way with me. But in the end I know I did the right thing by walking away completely. It is just so strange to go back and read about all the crazy and when you read it you'll be like, "wow she really had no idea." I was trying to hold it all together. I thought that if I just shut my mouth everything would be fine. But it just kept getting worse. And he was okay with not seeing me. Because his addiction came first before anything. Including the only normal girl who had ever given him her heart. It just breaks my heart to read about that girl. To know what she's about to go through. But the ending is happy!!
Alright, I'm gonna go for now. I love you and I can't wait to see what this month brings. I'm praying that I get as much as I can done by the new year because that's when I want to start my new notebook and get that one sent off to you. It's already typed, that's the beauty of it. It'd be funny if I printed out the whole book so I wouldn't have to spend months writing it, but then you'd miss my handwriting and I want to go slow so I can finish my books.
Love you,
Rita
1:34am
December 2nd, 2012
December 2nd, 2012
12:22am
Hey Chels,
I should totally be asleep right now but I felt like I wanted to write before I actually do fall asleep.
So, I had a pretty good day today. Got to take a break from all the family drama and got to hang out with my goddess family for a while. It was so nice. But the bad news was that my dad did not get to go home today. My mom spent the day in the hospital with him and she told me he had like 3 seizures and was in a lot of pain and the doctor wouldn't order dilatted (I know I'm spelling that damn drug wrong but frankly at this point I don't care) because he didn't want my dad to get used to it. So, the doctor and my mom had a conversation, I guess he thought my dad had been on it for a while, although that's impossible considering it's impossible to get outside the hospital. My dad is in a ton of pain and the nurses want to wait till morning to give him anything? Are they fucking crazy?? So anyway, he got his pain medicine and my mom finally came home. My aunt is going to come to the hospital tomorrow. So it should be another interesting day.
I have not had any time to do anything for the notebook besides write since Wednesday I think.... I'm going freaking CRAZY!!! So, I'm hoping that after tomorrow I will be able to do something at least. I have no idea if I'm going to have your notebooks done by Christmas, which sucks because I wanted to start your new nb on January first, after being done with all of the notebooks. I think I'm going to have to have days where all I'm doing is typing up the nb, even if I have to do it on my iPod. I am determined to finish if it kills me.
I haven't even been able to work on my tarot cards or my stories. I know it's only been a few days but to me it feels like a lifetime.
And then my friend Mark asked me what I was doing for new years. He asked if I had plans and I said yes. He doesn't have to know what my plans actually consist of, but technically I did make them before he asked. I still haven't talked to him about turning him down yet. He hasn't brought it up, either. I hope after this he stops asking me out. Because as much as I do enjoy his company, I don't want anything else from him.
You know what? I just thought of the perfect idea. You know that whole box idea where you put all your favorite things about that day in the box? I was going to make a box. But, I have a couple of awesome boxes to choose from. First, I have my star box which was supposed to be something we decorated together but that didn't happen. And then the other box is a box that my gramma gave to me before she died. She drew a picture of something on the top and gave it to me the year that she passed and I think it would be perfect to use that box for that type of project. And then I will also put my favorite things from wherever I go, if I find a cool flyer or something. I always tell myself I want to do that but I never do. We shall see. But yeah I am totally starting my favorite things tomorrow. A part of me still wants to decorate a shoebox and tape it so I can't open it until 2014. You know what though? If I can find more than one thing that was my favorite or that I was thankful for that day, I'm going to make sure I write all the things down. It will be cool to see if I can even fit anything into the box by the end of the year.
I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring me. Hopefully my dad will be on the right track for getting better, I will be a lot farther into my studying, and there will be a lot of goddess group stuff. There is a play in February that I'm going to be a part of (even though Ze gave me like the smallest part ever), there is a concert I'm supposed to be going to with a friend in March but I haven't bought tickets yet, and then 2 days later I have a goddess retreat to go on which I'm really excited about. And then in May there's Elf fest, in august there's another goddess retreat and in September there's Wild Magick. As for everything else, we will just have to see how things pan out. I still have no idea if I will still be single but I'm going to try to be for as long as I can. It's so nice to be able to plan things with only myself in mind.
Alright, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep for now. I love you and here's hoping I can get some work done tomorrow. The only thing is, if I bring my nb, I'm going to have my aunt asking me a million questions about it and frankly, it's none of her gd business. I will just see how things go.
Love!
Rita
12:56am
12:22am
Hey Chels,
I should totally be asleep right now but I felt like I wanted to write before I actually do fall asleep.
So, I had a pretty good day today. Got to take a break from all the family drama and got to hang out with my goddess family for a while. It was so nice. But the bad news was that my dad did not get to go home today. My mom spent the day in the hospital with him and she told me he had like 3 seizures and was in a lot of pain and the doctor wouldn't order dilatted (I know I'm spelling that damn drug wrong but frankly at this point I don't care) because he didn't want my dad to get used to it. So, the doctor and my mom had a conversation, I guess he thought my dad had been on it for a while, although that's impossible considering it's impossible to get outside the hospital. My dad is in a ton of pain and the nurses want to wait till morning to give him anything? Are they fucking crazy?? So anyway, he got his pain medicine and my mom finally came home. My aunt is going to come to the hospital tomorrow. So it should be another interesting day.
I have not had any time to do anything for the notebook besides write since Wednesday I think.... I'm going freaking CRAZY!!! So, I'm hoping that after tomorrow I will be able to do something at least. I have no idea if I'm going to have your notebooks done by Christmas, which sucks because I wanted to start your new nb on January first, after being done with all of the notebooks. I think I'm going to have to have days where all I'm doing is typing up the nb, even if I have to do it on my iPod. I am determined to finish if it kills me.
I haven't even been able to work on my tarot cards or my stories. I know it's only been a few days but to me it feels like a lifetime.
And then my friend Mark asked me what I was doing for new years. He asked if I had plans and I said yes. He doesn't have to know what my plans actually consist of, but technically I did make them before he asked. I still haven't talked to him about turning him down yet. He hasn't brought it up, either. I hope after this he stops asking me out. Because as much as I do enjoy his company, I don't want anything else from him.
You know what? I just thought of the perfect idea. You know that whole box idea where you put all your favorite things about that day in the box? I was going to make a box. But, I have a couple of awesome boxes to choose from. First, I have my star box which was supposed to be something we decorated together but that didn't happen. And then the other box is a box that my gramma gave to me before she died. She drew a picture of something on the top and gave it to me the year that she passed and I think it would be perfect to use that box for that type of project. And then I will also put my favorite things from wherever I go, if I find a cool flyer or something. I always tell myself I want to do that but I never do. We shall see. But yeah I am totally starting my favorite things tomorrow. A part of me still wants to decorate a shoebox and tape it so I can't open it until 2014. You know what though? If I can find more than one thing that was my favorite or that I was thankful for that day, I'm going to make sure I write all the things down. It will be cool to see if I can even fit anything into the box by the end of the year.
I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring me. Hopefully my dad will be on the right track for getting better, I will be a lot farther into my studying, and there will be a lot of goddess group stuff. There is a play in February that I'm going to be a part of (even though Ze gave me like the smallest part ever), there is a concert I'm supposed to be going to with a friend in March but I haven't bought tickets yet, and then 2 days later I have a goddess retreat to go on which I'm really excited about. And then in May there's Elf fest, in august there's another goddess retreat and in September there's Wild Magick. As for everything else, we will just have to see how things pan out. I still have no idea if I will still be single but I'm going to try to be for as long as I can. It's so nice to be able to plan things with only myself in mind.
Alright, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep for now. I love you and here's hoping I can get some work done tomorrow. The only thing is, if I bring my nb, I'm going to have my aunt asking me a million questions about it and frankly, it's none of her gd business. I will just see how things go.
Love!
Rita
12:56am
November 30th, 2012
November 30th, 2012
10:18am
Hey Chels,
Ugh I do not want to be awake right now. My poor dad is so sick. It started last night and just motives into this really bad stomach flu. He has not been sick like this in a very long time. I feel so bad for him. But at least he's got zofran in his system so he's not barfing anymore. I had a very interesting night/morning. Last night I went to Hobby Lobby and I was making my jewelry board (I'm not sure if I like it yet but I still can't take a picture and upload it to Facebook). Anyhow, I was in the middle of making it when my mom asked me to get some robitussen for my dad cuz he was coughing. So I got the Walgreens brand and went home. Well, a little while later my mom asked for the receipt because the stuff I got made him barf. Well, I had just gotten finished saying I wasn't going anywhere else because some asshole tried to kill me on my way home. I was turning left at an intersection onto my street and this guy just decides that he's gonna go even though I was stopped before him so it was my turn.
At any rate, I finished my jewelry board thing and I heard him barfing again and it went on like this pretty much all night. According to my mom, we weren't supposed to give him zofran if he was throwing up actual stuff, which he was. I got about 5 hours of sleep because I was up late talking to Larry (will get to that story in a minute) and woke up to my mom freaking out, my dad crying and barfing up nothing at this point, and a paramedic. I guess my mom finally called 911. I personally think he should have gone in last night, but whatever. So... My mom asked me to be with him so she could sleep so I've been here for a while now. He seems to be doing okay now but earlier he had a few seizures in a row and with one of them his eyes were rolling back into his head. In all the times I have seen him have seizures, not once have I EVER seen that.
So anyway, yeah. I heard from Larry on Wednesday night after my class. I was driving home when he texted me. So we talked all the way home and the funny thing is that before he texted me I was just thinking that the last time I went to a tarot class, he was talking to me the whole way home.
So, yesterday I kind of heard from him on and off all day and then not till later that night. And he told me he loved me. It wasn't like an "I'm in love with you" type thing but it was like a "but I still love you" type thing. I know he was saying it more as a friend or whatever but it still caught me off guard. I was just like... "ummmm thank you? Lol". I think those were my exact words. We messed around on cam for a while and it was so weird because I was trying to relax but my dad just kept barfing. So... It was nice to see Larry on cam but hard to concentrate with my dad puking. We stayed up late though, till after 2am. We haven't done that since February I think.
I'm still going to talk about what I've talked about in here. I'm not gonna let him Jedi mindtrick me into not speaking up lol.
Ugh. I'm so sleepy. I hope I can take a nap. I'm gonna wait till my dad's all settled in a room, then take a break and come back.
Love you,
Rita
11:21am
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Another email from The New Pagan Way
------------------------------------
No Running,
By Ciaran Corby
The universe is a vast thing made up of us and what we send out that we need/Our Karma.
10:18am
Hey Chels,
Ugh I do not want to be awake right now. My poor dad is so sick. It started last night and just motives into this really bad stomach flu. He has not been sick like this in a very long time. I feel so bad for him. But at least he's got zofran in his system so he's not barfing anymore. I had a very interesting night/morning. Last night I went to Hobby Lobby and I was making my jewelry board (I'm not sure if I like it yet but I still can't take a picture and upload it to Facebook). Anyhow, I was in the middle of making it when my mom asked me to get some robitussen for my dad cuz he was coughing. So I got the Walgreens brand and went home. Well, a little while later my mom asked for the receipt because the stuff I got made him barf. Well, I had just gotten finished saying I wasn't going anywhere else because some asshole tried to kill me on my way home. I was turning left at an intersection onto my street and this guy just decides that he's gonna go even though I was stopped before him so it was my turn.
At any rate, I finished my jewelry board thing and I heard him barfing again and it went on like this pretty much all night. According to my mom, we weren't supposed to give him zofran if he was throwing up actual stuff, which he was. I got about 5 hours of sleep because I was up late talking to Larry (will get to that story in a minute) and woke up to my mom freaking out, my dad crying and barfing up nothing at this point, and a paramedic. I guess my mom finally called 911. I personally think he should have gone in last night, but whatever. So... My mom asked me to be with him so she could sleep so I've been here for a while now. He seems to be doing okay now but earlier he had a few seizures in a row and with one of them his eyes were rolling back into his head. In all the times I have seen him have seizures, not once have I EVER seen that.
So anyway, yeah. I heard from Larry on Wednesday night after my class. I was driving home when he texted me. So we talked all the way home and the funny thing is that before he texted me I was just thinking that the last time I went to a tarot class, he was talking to me the whole way home.
So, yesterday I kind of heard from him on and off all day and then not till later that night. And he told me he loved me. It wasn't like an "I'm in love with you" type thing but it was like a "but I still love you" type thing. I know he was saying it more as a friend or whatever but it still caught me off guard. I was just like... "ummmm thank you? Lol". I think those were my exact words. We messed around on cam for a while and it was so weird because I was trying to relax but my dad just kept barfing. So... It was nice to see Larry on cam but hard to concentrate with my dad puking. We stayed up late though, till after 2am. We haven't done that since February I think.
I'm still going to talk about what I've talked about in here. I'm not gonna let him Jedi mindtrick me into not speaking up lol.
Ugh. I'm so sleepy. I hope I can take a nap. I'm gonna wait till my dad's all settled in a room, then take a break and come back.
Love you,
Rita
11:21am
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Another email from The New Pagan Way
------------------------------------
No Running,
By Ciaran Corby
The universe is a vast thing made up of us and what we send out that we need/Our Karma.
We come to this world and into the flesh to learn lessons.
We learn these lessons to farther us along on the path we were meant to travel.
Our helpers in this endeavor are a set of personal strengths that we have.
Each person's strengths are personally tailored to him or her.
If we reflect upon our lives, each of us will see some patterns that repeat.
These patterns reflect lessons that we are meant to learn.
These continued repetitions of these patterns reflect these lessons.
Often times we feel like running from these patterns/escaping them.
It can even feel as if it is not only the best thing to do, but the only thing to be done!
This is wrong.
Wrong because running does not enable us to learn the lesson.
Running scared forever is a awful life sentence, especially when the universe is part of us so can not be escaped.
Not only that, but running from a lesson also leaves us wide open and defenseless for the next time said lesson/pattern recurs.
I have found in watching others and examining my own life that running only takes us sooner or later into another version of the same damned lesson!
So the universal lesson I take from that is No Running!
Instead I learn not to resist what is, but to work within it to bring about what I want to be.
I learn to learn from the lesson...to listen to what it may be teaching...To search for the teaching and thus to grow strong.
My work:
http://www.mysticmoonpress.com/authorpages/ciarancorby.html
November 28th, 2012
November 28th, 2012
1:08am
Dear Chels,
Happy birthday!!! I'm so sorry it's been ruined already by your stupid brother. I really don't get what the fuck his problem is. Like, how hard is it to just be nice? I really don't understand that. I don't get why your dad can't just stand up to him and tell him to clean up his act or get out. And I definitely feel your frustration. I'm sorry that I can't do anything about it because I'm all the way over here. I wish that we lived closer to each other and you could just stay with me if you wanted or needed to. I also wish that you weren't sick so you could just get up and leave your place and not have to worry about medicine or anything. But what I really wish was that Brian's place wasn't so crappy so that you could stay there. I mean, if there wasn't so much fighting over there, too.
So... In honor of your beautiful prayer for me, I'm going to send one out to you as well.
Dear God, gods, goddesses, and beautiful universe,
Thank you so much for the gift of my best friend, Chelsea. Today is her birthday and although it's started off rocky, I pray that something good will happen that will make up for it. Just one thing that lights her up and makes her smile. I wish I could be with her for her birthday but I know that's not going to pan out. I just want something positive to happen for her today.
In Jesus name,
Amen and blessed be
Well... That was an interesting prayer. It was like I was praying to everyone all at once, lol. Well, I kind of was so it worked out.
I mean it about next year though. I am so going to pass my massage test so I can save up money to get you here for your 30th. Maybe I will fly you out earlier and take you to Lothlorien. Unless you don't like camping and in which case, never mind lol.
Anyway, writing all that stuff out today really helped. I never heard from Larry today but I'm okay with that. My parents are sick and I'm exhausted and all I really care about is getting back to my study/vlogging/nbs stuff. I have about 500 pages left to go and if I do about 17 pages a day, I can make it. But the thing is, I want to finish a week before Christmas so you have something to open on Christmas day. And don't forget that you will have birthday and Christmas presents to open plus cookies. I just hope that I can pull it off because I also want to work on my tarot cards and work on writing my stories. And somehow find enough time to read. Phew, I'm exhausting myself, lol. I'm just going to do as much as I can every day and hope for the best. I'm praying that I'll get what I want to get done but if I can't then I'm going to send you what I have even though you told me you wanted to wait for all three notebooks at once. If I can't do that by Christmas I'm gonna send you either 1 or 2 depending on if I have the second one finished.
Anyhow, all this stress is causing my head to hurt. I'm gonna try and get some rest. Love you!!
Rita
1:28am
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I stumbled upon this in my yahoo group, The New Pagan Way and I liked this enough to share it with you :).
Power I am ,Fire I am
I am Sekhmet.
I dwell in Sekhmet
I breathe in Sekhmet
I am Sekhmet!
Here me now, oh powers of the universe I am Sekhmet!
Sekhmet is my blood
Sekhmet is my heart
Sekhmet is my mind
I am Sekhmet!
Hear me now
oh roaring lion!
I am your love, I am your heart! Sekhmet roar for me!
I am passion, I am energy, I am desire
I am Sekhmet!
Sekhmet, (tap your heart area; chest)
Arise and awake, fill me
Be Hathor to me, Be Hahor to me, be Hathor to me.
Be the beautiful one to me.
Be Sekhmet to my oppressors
Be sekhmet to my enemies, the enemeies of Maat
Prowl me with
Dance with me
Heal me
Sekhmet!
Let my Sekhmet me powerful
Let my Sekhmet be passionate
Let my Sekhmet be wise!
Let me and all that is me, be in balance!
Sekhmet! I call you
Sekhmet I am!
Power I am!
Liberation I am!
Prestige I am!
My inner sun, burn bright!
My inner sun, balance what is not balanced!
Let my anger only be rightious
Let unjustified anger be overome by the beauty of Hathor!
Let me have the power to accomplish what I need to accomplish!
Sekhmet is within me, I am DIVINE!
(Let out a loud roar like a lion)
I am the beloved of Ra!
I am the beloved of Maat!
I am the beloved of Ptah!
I am the beloved of Hathor!
I am the beloved; I am Sekhmet!
Binds, negativity, evil, Demons, curses
Flee from me now! I am Sekhmet, I will tear you to shreds
So leave me now! Begone! I am the beloved I am the Power!
I am the Sekhmet!
I am she who has no fear!
I am she who can not be conqured!
I am Sekhmet, and second to none in power!
I am the Eye of Ra! I am the burning sun! I am the conqurer of my enemies! I am the Will of God! I am the power of God! I am the Strength of God! I am Sekhmet!
In me I call Sekhmet, In me she dwells, in me she lives.
For I am the beholder of power.
Sekhmet is me, I am Sekhmet
Me and Sekhmet, Sekhmet and I!
Praise be the name and glory of Sekhmet and the gods forever and ever.
Amen Ra!
This is a call to Sekhmet, a call that you know, within you She dwells.
Awake her and she will awake you. You are beloved. Use this invocation to free yourself from enemies. Use this to balance yourself! Within all of us, we have a Divine flame that is not of this world, and does not get affected by worldy things, yet within us it burns and yet causes us no pain. This is who we are. It can never die. it is below our heart chakra and above or solar plexus chackra. It is possible to see our flame; or fire. This fire can take the shapeof Sekhmet, and from that she dwells.
I call this the call of Power invocation.
Blessed Be
written by
Kalimir
1:08am
Dear Chels,
Happy birthday!!! I'm so sorry it's been ruined already by your stupid brother. I really don't get what the fuck his problem is. Like, how hard is it to just be nice? I really don't understand that. I don't get why your dad can't just stand up to him and tell him to clean up his act or get out. And I definitely feel your frustration. I'm sorry that I can't do anything about it because I'm all the way over here. I wish that we lived closer to each other and you could just stay with me if you wanted or needed to. I also wish that you weren't sick so you could just get up and leave your place and not have to worry about medicine or anything. But what I really wish was that Brian's place wasn't so crappy so that you could stay there. I mean, if there wasn't so much fighting over there, too.
So... In honor of your beautiful prayer for me, I'm going to send one out to you as well.
Dear God, gods, goddesses, and beautiful universe,
Thank you so much for the gift of my best friend, Chelsea. Today is her birthday and although it's started off rocky, I pray that something good will happen that will make up for it. Just one thing that lights her up and makes her smile. I wish I could be with her for her birthday but I know that's not going to pan out. I just want something positive to happen for her today.
In Jesus name,
Amen and blessed be
Well... That was an interesting prayer. It was like I was praying to everyone all at once, lol. Well, I kind of was so it worked out.
I mean it about next year though. I am so going to pass my massage test so I can save up money to get you here for your 30th. Maybe I will fly you out earlier and take you to Lothlorien. Unless you don't like camping and in which case, never mind lol.
Anyway, writing all that stuff out today really helped. I never heard from Larry today but I'm okay with that. My parents are sick and I'm exhausted and all I really care about is getting back to my study/vlogging/nbs stuff. I have about 500 pages left to go and if I do about 17 pages a day, I can make it. But the thing is, I want to finish a week before Christmas so you have something to open on Christmas day. And don't forget that you will have birthday and Christmas presents to open plus cookies. I just hope that I can pull it off because I also want to work on my tarot cards and work on writing my stories. And somehow find enough time to read. Phew, I'm exhausting myself, lol. I'm just going to do as much as I can every day and hope for the best. I'm praying that I'll get what I want to get done but if I can't then I'm going to send you what I have even though you told me you wanted to wait for all three notebooks at once. If I can't do that by Christmas I'm gonna send you either 1 or 2 depending on if I have the second one finished.
Anyhow, all this stress is causing my head to hurt. I'm gonna try and get some rest. Love you!!
Rita
1:28am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stumbled upon this in my yahoo group, The New Pagan Way and I liked this enough to share it with you :).
Power I am ,Fire I am
I am Sekhmet.
I dwell in Sekhmet
I breathe in Sekhmet
I am Sekhmet!
Here me now, oh powers of the universe I am Sekhmet!
Sekhmet is my blood
Sekhmet is my heart
Sekhmet is my mind
I am Sekhmet!
Hear me now
oh roaring lion!
I am your love, I am your heart! Sekhmet roar for me!
I am passion, I am energy, I am desire
I am Sekhmet!
Sekhmet, (tap your heart area; chest)
Arise and awake, fill me
Be Hathor to me, Be Hahor to me, be Hathor to me.
Be the beautiful one to me.
Be Sekhmet to my oppressors
Be sekhmet to my enemies, the enemeies of Maat
Prowl me with
Dance with me
Heal me
Sekhmet!
Let my Sekhmet me powerful
Let my Sekhmet be passionate
Let my Sekhmet be wise!
Let me and all that is me, be in balance!
Sekhmet! I call you
Sekhmet I am!
Power I am!
Liberation I am!
Prestige I am!
My inner sun, burn bright!
My inner sun, balance what is not balanced!
Let my anger only be rightious
Let unjustified anger be overome by the beauty of Hathor!
Let me have the power to accomplish what I need to accomplish!
Sekhmet is within me, I am DIVINE!
(Let out a loud roar like a lion)
I am the beloved of Ra!
I am the beloved of Maat!
I am the beloved of Ptah!
I am the beloved of Hathor!
I am the beloved; I am Sekhmet!
Binds, negativity, evil, Demons, curses
Flee from me now! I am Sekhmet, I will tear you to shreds
So leave me now! Begone! I am the beloved I am the Power!
I am the Sekhmet!
I am she who has no fear!
I am she who can not be conqured!
I am Sekhmet, and second to none in power!
I am the Eye of Ra! I am the burning sun! I am the conqurer of my enemies! I am the Will of God! I am the power of God! I am the Strength of God! I am Sekhmet!
In me I call Sekhmet, In me she dwells, in me she lives.
For I am the beholder of power.
Sekhmet is me, I am Sekhmet
Me and Sekhmet, Sekhmet and I!
Praise be the name and glory of Sekhmet and the gods forever and ever.
Amen Ra!
This is a call to Sekhmet, a call that you know, within you She dwells.
Awake her and she will awake you. You are beloved. Use this invocation to free yourself from enemies. Use this to balance yourself! Within all of us, we have a Divine flame that is not of this world, and does not get affected by worldy things, yet within us it burns and yet causes us no pain. This is who we are. It can never die. it is below our heart chakra and above or solar plexus chackra. It is possible to see our flame; or fire. This fire can take the shapeof Sekhmet, and from that she dwells.
I call this the call of Power invocation.
Blessed Be
written by
Kalimir
November 27th, 2012
November 27th, 2012
12:53pm
Hey Chels,
I feel bad. I feel like I haven't been writing anything of substance for a while. I've been putting all my energy into finishing the nb that I feel like I've been neglecting you. Err... The nb. So...
Saturday was not a fun day. My mom woke me up early to tell me that she called an ambulance for my dad cuz he was having that pain again that he had from last year. He's been in the hospital for the past few days and I really hope that he can come home today. But more than that, I hope that he doesn't have to go back so soon. I guess the doctors are giving him Xanax so he will be calmer or something and to help with his tremors. I just hope he doesn't barf again but we have some meds here if he does. I think this might be selfish but I really hope I can still go to my tarot class tomorrow because I missed the last one, too. I just don't want to be that far behind. But I found a website that really helps with the translations. I just need another eraser, lol.
Anyway, kind of got off track there. So... I went to my writing group after spending some time with my dad on Saturday. It was only me and two guys, Jason (from my tarot group), and his friend Terry. I shared my angel wings story and they both loved it. It gave me so much to work with that it inspired me to work on it all weekend. I just don't want to stop writing and I've added little backstories that don't go anywhere yet. I just want this story to come alive and I can't wait to share it with you. I'm thinking that I'm going to work on these stories as I work on my notebook (volume 12) so that when I'm done with that and can send it to you, I will have two finished books for you to read, as well. That's how inspired I am and how much I believe in both of these stories.
So, Sunday I spent some time at the hospital but we didn't get there till the afternoon. I tried writing my story but kept getting distracted. My mom and I were going to leave as soon as the movie we were watching was over but my dad decided to double over in pain and then start shaking. I guess the nurses didn't want to believe that it had been a real seizure because he knew where he was and was awake for all of it but it looked kind of like it did when he was having those seizures back in May. There were about 4-5 nurses in the room and my mom was freaking out and all I kept thinking was,"to anyone who can hear me right now, please take care of my dad!! Please send loving and healing energy to this room!!!" and I managed to keep calm. I hardly freak out anymore when my dad has these episodes. Not that they're not horrible but I've come to the realization that freaking out isn't going to do much but add stress to the situation and what my dad needs is for someone to be calm. I do, however, let myself eat really bad food and only deal with people I want to deal with, like you and Beverly.
I haven't told any of my guy friends besides Geoff that my dad has been in the hospital. Which brings me to my next point, Larry.
Now, I love the guy. In the simplest, purest way ever. But something happens to me when I hear from him that I don't like. When he texts me, I scream inside. "yay! He texted me! He must be thinking about me." and then I think of everything I want to say to him so I text him back and then either one of two things happens. Either I hear back from him, or I don't. If I do, I consider it a victory. But if I don't, I start getting mad insecure. "why isn't he texting me back? Maybe he's tired. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he just wanted to say that one thing. Maybe he's done with me already. Maybe his phone broke/got lost/stolen/battery died." etc, etc.
Honestly, I have no flipping idea why he doesn't text me back. Or only says a couple things and then stops. Then I start going over some things that I need to say to him and I obsess over it.
This pattern drives me nuts and I need to stop it. I need to remind myself of the things I do know for sure and leave it at that. For one, I know that he loves me and I know it's the same kind of love that I feel for him. Not crazy and demanding but just a love that you have from knowing someone. For another, I know for a fact that I'm the only girl he has ever had in his backseat and the only girl he ever sexts with. (I haven't been as faithful from my periodical chats with Danny, lol). Also, he doesn't want a repeat of what happened this summer. I know he doesn't just want sex out of me but this summer it kind of felt that way when that's the only time I would hear from him. I could forgive that once but if it happened again I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again. At least as anything more than just a friend. And he knows that.
Plus, this is my break. Being with James made me realize that maybe I'm not ready to be with someone full time. But if I'm going to be sleeping with that person, I would like to know that that's a possibility. Which is what I keep going over in my head as well. What I need to do is stop going through the same things over again and just focus on me and he will talk to me when he does and when it seems like he's not going anywhere (meaning it's a time when I actually hear from him all day) I will talk to him about it. And I'm okay with whatever he says. But if we are just going to stay friends I would rather try just hanging out as friends. If he doesn't think he can do that then... I dunno what to tell him. He doesn't want to be with me yet can't handle just being friends with me. Lol good luck with that. I'm not saying he doesn't. I'm just saying he might say that he doesn't. And I'm preparing for that. Of course we both know that if he says that then he's a moron. But... That's not my issue.
So... Until then, I'm going to put it out of my mind. I can't worry about the future when I should be enough for myself. And you know what? I am. I love the person I've become without a man weighing me down. I wish I had had the strength before to stand up for myself and make the boys work harder instead of only caring about their feelings. Like with Barry... I was so afraid to not hang out with him cuz he made it seem like if I didn't when he was available then I might not see him for another week. And all that stuff with Sarah. He went right from her to me and then from me to Jenelle as soon as he got out of jail. I would rather be single for 5 years than get caught up in that mess. And I'm damn proud of myself for not taking him back. He was trashing Sarah in his letters to me but sent her quite a few letters. Sometimes I miss her but I'm not gonna get caught up in that mess again. I found Barry's new Facebook and I guess he has 137 friends. I guess I'm the only person he really lost after everyone ditched him initially. But you know what? What if I took him back? What if like everyone else I didn't stand up to my convictions and say "no, this is not acceptable."? Sometimes I wonder. But I know that I'm better off. Thinking about last year compared to this year, there's a huge difference. By this time last year things had already started unraveling. He was growing more and more paranoid, not sleeping, we weren't seeing each other, everytime we did talk there would be some kind of crisis going on with him, and I was beginning to feel more like a taxi service than his girlfriend. Not to mention he would tell me when he needed to be picked up and then make me wait outside his apartment until he was ready. By December things had gotten really bad. We weren't fighting but I was just left wondering what the fuck was going on and a lot of the time I just felt like shit and I wanted to know what was going on so bad. I even thought about breaking up with him at this point and that realization hurt me. He broke plans with me, was always sick, looked like hell, would claim to want sex but wouldn't do anything about it (at least not with me), and his attitude was just getting downright scary. I got yelled at for sitting on his keys because his stuff was all over the place and that was the only spot I could find to sit down. Not to mention his apartment was covered in a gross disgusting smell. That I now realize was probably heroin and cigarettes and whatever the hell else.
I was around it and didn't even realize. And then came new years, Aka the weirdest new years of my life. Who takes their girlfriend on what is supposed to be their one year anniversary to their ex's house? Who does that? Tell me how that is normal. And the way he was acting was nothing short of freaking bizarre. And he got attacked by a cat. I think he let the cat attack him on purpose so he could go to the bathroom and shoot up. Fuck, didn't even think of that till just now.
I decided that this year, I'm not going out for anybody. I'm staying inside, in my room. I'm going to put on Sex and the City, drink some wine, and eventually go to sleep. When I had HBO they used to have a sex and the city marathon every new years. So, I decided to bring that back. Unless someone can convince me otherwise but at this point I don't even care. I don't want any drama, no blood, no fighting, no weird awkward anything. Just peace and quiet.
Well my dear, I think it's about time for me to go, as this battery is almost dead and I should get myself ready for when my dad gets discharged (plus I want to grab some hot and spicy soup for my mom because she's sick). I love you and I promise not to let myself go that long without writing.
Love you!!
Rita
2:04pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[The new pagan way] (I thought this email was interesting and maybe it will clear some questions up that you might have?)
from: christopher blackwell
I have one problem with all the evidence about Witches.
all of it, even the name was invented by outsiders, who
quite likely didn't know anything about it.
Imagine trying to prove that Christianity existed with not
one single Christian Writer or Practitioner having a say so.
Imagine if our only information came from Jews and
Muslims. Don't you think the information might be a bit
tainted?
Ironically we have no solid information from the so called
Witches themselves. We already know the vast majority of
those accused as being Witches were not. So much for our
myth of those millions of poor suffering Witches that were
persecuted. There were not millions, not even hundreds of
thousands and the vast majority were not likely to have been
Witches, if any of them were. They were tortured and said
whatever their tormentors wanted them to say.
So that leaves an unanswerable question. What did Witches
believe and what did they do? All we know is what outsiders
claimed.
Does that mean there were no Witches? No, it just means we
cannot tell what they actually did. Not based on historical
documentation based on what Witches said about themselves.
By the way the Oxford English Dictionary claims that Wic
meant to bend, to shape. So they might be wrong but they
are considered to sort of know the language.
Our entire knowledge of Witch craft is based on folk tales,
that mostly were used to claim all sorts of bad things about
Witches. Now if you have some ancient Witch material from
the Witches themselves then I would be interested.
We would not judge what Jews were about just by quoting
European folk tales so what makes it reliable on Witches
and what they did, or that they even ever existed?
Much of what is modern Witchcraft seems to be traceable
to magical lodges since 1400. That much Hutton was able
to trace using written records. Where do we have such
written records about the alleged Witch side of the equation?
Without it we have only guesswork.
It is as silly as attempts to tell us what cave dweller's
religion was, their beliefs and practices. Were the Venuses
goddess symbols or magic talismans to encourage female
fertility. There are plenty of examples where we make
images of the things we want to influence. Like attracts
like.
Nor can we use tribal people of today, even modern stone
age people to tell us what people believed 40,000 years
ago. Things do change over time. We do know some people
never had gods or goddesses. Some had their family dead
ancestors, some had local spirits.
So just because our present day Wiccan authors like to
speculate it does not stand up to much in real scholarship.
In fact one of the faults of modern day Wicca has been the
lack of scholarship. We are beginning to get Wiccans
interested and trained as scholars, but we have a lot of
Wicca myths that need to be researched and perhaps
recreated.
We do not as a whole look upon our gods and goddesses
as even historical Pagans did. Our view of the gods and
goddesses seems far more inspired by the Romantic
Movement that starts in the late 1700s with the beginning
of industrialization and more and more people living in towns.
As Christianity becomes dull and grim we start to see the
Pagans as somehow the opposite, more innocent or wiser.
Country people are no longer seen as hicks but as keepers of
ancient wisdom and of course nature got Bambized.
No one living in the boon docks would ever have such a
romanticized view of nature where nature kills as easily
as she nurtures. The balance ebbs and flows rather than
stays stable. If grass and other plants thrive then rodents
increase their birth rate until they eat vegetation too fast
then they starve and the plants have a chance to recover.
If rodents thrive then the predators increase until their
population gets too big and then they starve. And so it
goes right up to humans.
Were our ancestors easier on the environment, it depends
on when and where. Before Indians got the horse they ran
entire herds of Buffalo off cliffs and then only cut off the
favored parts and let the rest rot. Mammoths start
disappearing when the proto Indians arrive.
In England the great moors were once productive forest
lands. With only the stone implements early farming groups
managed to cut down the forests and over farm and turn
formally rich agricultural areas barren and nearly useless
areas that remain to this day. Hutton talks about the evidence
of that that shows up in Archeology.
The ancient Greeks were already destroying their rich land. What do
you think happened to the famous Cedars of Lebanon? Or Israel as
the land of Milk and Honey? All that was long before Modern day
civilization. Yes there were periods when man was not so destructive,
but as his population grew he had far more destructive affect
Should we study the Mayans who destroyed their own culture
and were hardly as peaceful as we liked to believe up until recently.
Our ancestors had all the destructive habits that we have, it was
only their lessor numbers that prevented them from destroying
the Earth at the speed that we do today.
Let us modern day Pagans not reinvent the fall of man and believe
in a false Eden. Best way for Earth to recover. A massive die off of
mankind as with any other population of plant or animal. Or just
perhaps we humans could try to evolve to have some wisdom that
mankind has not yet had.
But meanwhile, know that our extinction from this Earth will cause
the gods no more grief than the extinction of over 90% of all the life
that has ever existed on planet Earth. Creation is ongoing. The gods
can start over as they have done over and over in our Earth's history.
How often does our science tell us of vast extinctions of the past?
Blessed Be,
Christopher
No I do not believe that the God/desses or God are super nannies
that will save us from ourselves, or clean up after us. More likely
they will just suddenly change the rules and see if we can adjust.
Free choice includes our right to fail and die off. Of course we
could surprise them and change.
12:53pm
Hey Chels,
I feel bad. I feel like I haven't been writing anything of substance for a while. I've been putting all my energy into finishing the nb that I feel like I've been neglecting you. Err... The nb. So...
Saturday was not a fun day. My mom woke me up early to tell me that she called an ambulance for my dad cuz he was having that pain again that he had from last year. He's been in the hospital for the past few days and I really hope that he can come home today. But more than that, I hope that he doesn't have to go back so soon. I guess the doctors are giving him Xanax so he will be calmer or something and to help with his tremors. I just hope he doesn't barf again but we have some meds here if he does. I think this might be selfish but I really hope I can still go to my tarot class tomorrow because I missed the last one, too. I just don't want to be that far behind. But I found a website that really helps with the translations. I just need another eraser, lol.
Anyway, kind of got off track there. So... I went to my writing group after spending some time with my dad on Saturday. It was only me and two guys, Jason (from my tarot group), and his friend Terry. I shared my angel wings story and they both loved it. It gave me so much to work with that it inspired me to work on it all weekend. I just don't want to stop writing and I've added little backstories that don't go anywhere yet. I just want this story to come alive and I can't wait to share it with you. I'm thinking that I'm going to work on these stories as I work on my notebook (volume 12) so that when I'm done with that and can send it to you, I will have two finished books for you to read, as well. That's how inspired I am and how much I believe in both of these stories.
So, Sunday I spent some time at the hospital but we didn't get there till the afternoon. I tried writing my story but kept getting distracted. My mom and I were going to leave as soon as the movie we were watching was over but my dad decided to double over in pain and then start shaking. I guess the nurses didn't want to believe that it had been a real seizure because he knew where he was and was awake for all of it but it looked kind of like it did when he was having those seizures back in May. There were about 4-5 nurses in the room and my mom was freaking out and all I kept thinking was,"to anyone who can hear me right now, please take care of my dad!! Please send loving and healing energy to this room!!!" and I managed to keep calm. I hardly freak out anymore when my dad has these episodes. Not that they're not horrible but I've come to the realization that freaking out isn't going to do much but add stress to the situation and what my dad needs is for someone to be calm. I do, however, let myself eat really bad food and only deal with people I want to deal with, like you and Beverly.
I haven't told any of my guy friends besides Geoff that my dad has been in the hospital. Which brings me to my next point, Larry.
Now, I love the guy. In the simplest, purest way ever. But something happens to me when I hear from him that I don't like. When he texts me, I scream inside. "yay! He texted me! He must be thinking about me." and then I think of everything I want to say to him so I text him back and then either one of two things happens. Either I hear back from him, or I don't. If I do, I consider it a victory. But if I don't, I start getting mad insecure. "why isn't he texting me back? Maybe he's tired. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he just wanted to say that one thing. Maybe he's done with me already. Maybe his phone broke/got lost/stolen/battery died." etc, etc.
Honestly, I have no flipping idea why he doesn't text me back. Or only says a couple things and then stops. Then I start going over some things that I need to say to him and I obsess over it.
This pattern drives me nuts and I need to stop it. I need to remind myself of the things I do know for sure and leave it at that. For one, I know that he loves me and I know it's the same kind of love that I feel for him. Not crazy and demanding but just a love that you have from knowing someone. For another, I know for a fact that I'm the only girl he has ever had in his backseat and the only girl he ever sexts with. (I haven't been as faithful from my periodical chats with Danny, lol). Also, he doesn't want a repeat of what happened this summer. I know he doesn't just want sex out of me but this summer it kind of felt that way when that's the only time I would hear from him. I could forgive that once but if it happened again I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again. At least as anything more than just a friend. And he knows that.
Plus, this is my break. Being with James made me realize that maybe I'm not ready to be with someone full time. But if I'm going to be sleeping with that person, I would like to know that that's a possibility. Which is what I keep going over in my head as well. What I need to do is stop going through the same things over again and just focus on me and he will talk to me when he does and when it seems like he's not going anywhere (meaning it's a time when I actually hear from him all day) I will talk to him about it. And I'm okay with whatever he says. But if we are just going to stay friends I would rather try just hanging out as friends. If he doesn't think he can do that then... I dunno what to tell him. He doesn't want to be with me yet can't handle just being friends with me. Lol good luck with that. I'm not saying he doesn't. I'm just saying he might say that he doesn't. And I'm preparing for that. Of course we both know that if he says that then he's a moron. But... That's not my issue.
So... Until then, I'm going to put it out of my mind. I can't worry about the future when I should be enough for myself. And you know what? I am. I love the person I've become without a man weighing me down. I wish I had had the strength before to stand up for myself and make the boys work harder instead of only caring about their feelings. Like with Barry... I was so afraid to not hang out with him cuz he made it seem like if I didn't when he was available then I might not see him for another week. And all that stuff with Sarah. He went right from her to me and then from me to Jenelle as soon as he got out of jail. I would rather be single for 5 years than get caught up in that mess. And I'm damn proud of myself for not taking him back. He was trashing Sarah in his letters to me but sent her quite a few letters. Sometimes I miss her but I'm not gonna get caught up in that mess again. I found Barry's new Facebook and I guess he has 137 friends. I guess I'm the only person he really lost after everyone ditched him initially. But you know what? What if I took him back? What if like everyone else I didn't stand up to my convictions and say "no, this is not acceptable."? Sometimes I wonder. But I know that I'm better off. Thinking about last year compared to this year, there's a huge difference. By this time last year things had already started unraveling. He was growing more and more paranoid, not sleeping, we weren't seeing each other, everytime we did talk there would be some kind of crisis going on with him, and I was beginning to feel more like a taxi service than his girlfriend. Not to mention he would tell me when he needed to be picked up and then make me wait outside his apartment until he was ready. By December things had gotten really bad. We weren't fighting but I was just left wondering what the fuck was going on and a lot of the time I just felt like shit and I wanted to know what was going on so bad. I even thought about breaking up with him at this point and that realization hurt me. He broke plans with me, was always sick, looked like hell, would claim to want sex but wouldn't do anything about it (at least not with me), and his attitude was just getting downright scary. I got yelled at for sitting on his keys because his stuff was all over the place and that was the only spot I could find to sit down. Not to mention his apartment was covered in a gross disgusting smell. That I now realize was probably heroin and cigarettes and whatever the hell else.
I was around it and didn't even realize. And then came new years, Aka the weirdest new years of my life. Who takes their girlfriend on what is supposed to be their one year anniversary to their ex's house? Who does that? Tell me how that is normal. And the way he was acting was nothing short of freaking bizarre. And he got attacked by a cat. I think he let the cat attack him on purpose so he could go to the bathroom and shoot up. Fuck, didn't even think of that till just now.
I decided that this year, I'm not going out for anybody. I'm staying inside, in my room. I'm going to put on Sex and the City, drink some wine, and eventually go to sleep. When I had HBO they used to have a sex and the city marathon every new years. So, I decided to bring that back. Unless someone can convince me otherwise but at this point I don't even care. I don't want any drama, no blood, no fighting, no weird awkward anything. Just peace and quiet.
Well my dear, I think it's about time for me to go, as this battery is almost dead and I should get myself ready for when my dad gets discharged (plus I want to grab some hot and spicy soup for my mom because she's sick). I love you and I promise not to let myself go that long without writing.
Love you!!
Rita
2:04pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[The new pagan way] (I thought this email was interesting and maybe it will clear some questions up that you might have?)
from: christopher blackwell
I have one problem with all the evidence about Witches.
all of it, even the name was invented by outsiders, who
quite likely didn't know anything about it.
Imagine trying to prove that Christianity existed with not
one single Christian Writer or Practitioner having a say so.
Imagine if our only information came from Jews and
Muslims. Don't you think the information might be a bit
tainted?
Ironically we have no solid information from the so called
Witches themselves. We already know the vast majority of
those accused as being Witches were not. So much for our
myth of those millions of poor suffering Witches that were
persecuted. There were not millions, not even hundreds of
thousands and the vast majority were not likely to have been
Witches, if any of them were. They were tortured and said
whatever their tormentors wanted them to say.
So that leaves an unanswerable question. What did Witches
believe and what did they do? All we know is what outsiders
claimed.
Does that mean there were no Witches? No, it just means we
cannot tell what they actually did. Not based on historical
documentation based on what Witches said about themselves.
By the way the Oxford English Dictionary claims that Wic
meant to bend, to shape. So they might be wrong but they
are considered to sort of know the language.
Our entire knowledge of Witch craft is based on folk tales,
that mostly were used to claim all sorts of bad things about
Witches. Now if you have some ancient Witch material from
the Witches themselves then I would be interested.
We would not judge what Jews were about just by quoting
European folk tales so what makes it reliable on Witches
and what they did, or that they even ever existed?
Much of what is modern Witchcraft seems to be traceable
to magical lodges since 1400. That much Hutton was able
to trace using written records. Where do we have such
written records about the alleged Witch side of the equation?
Without it we have only guesswork.
It is as silly as attempts to tell us what cave dweller's
religion was, their beliefs and practices. Were the Venuses
goddess symbols or magic talismans to encourage female
fertility. There are plenty of examples where we make
images of the things we want to influence. Like attracts
like.
Nor can we use tribal people of today, even modern stone
age people to tell us what people believed 40,000 years
ago. Things do change over time. We do know some people
never had gods or goddesses. Some had their family dead
ancestors, some had local spirits.
So just because our present day Wiccan authors like to
speculate it does not stand up to much in real scholarship.
In fact one of the faults of modern day Wicca has been the
lack of scholarship. We are beginning to get Wiccans
interested and trained as scholars, but we have a lot of
Wicca myths that need to be researched and perhaps
recreated.
We do not as a whole look upon our gods and goddesses
as even historical Pagans did. Our view of the gods and
goddesses seems far more inspired by the Romantic
Movement that starts in the late 1700s with the beginning
of industrialization and more and more people living in towns.
As Christianity becomes dull and grim we start to see the
Pagans as somehow the opposite, more innocent or wiser.
Country people are no longer seen as hicks but as keepers of
ancient wisdom and of course nature got Bambized.
No one living in the boon docks would ever have such a
romanticized view of nature where nature kills as easily
as she nurtures. The balance ebbs and flows rather than
stays stable. If grass and other plants thrive then rodents
increase their birth rate until they eat vegetation too fast
then they starve and the plants have a chance to recover.
If rodents thrive then the predators increase until their
population gets too big and then they starve. And so it
goes right up to humans.
Were our ancestors easier on the environment, it depends
on when and where. Before Indians got the horse they ran
entire herds of Buffalo off cliffs and then only cut off the
favored parts and let the rest rot. Mammoths start
disappearing when the proto Indians arrive.
In England the great moors were once productive forest
lands. With only the stone implements early farming groups
managed to cut down the forests and over farm and turn
formally rich agricultural areas barren and nearly useless
areas that remain to this day. Hutton talks about the evidence
of that that shows up in Archeology.
The ancient Greeks were already destroying their rich land. What do
you think happened to the famous Cedars of Lebanon? Or Israel as
the land of Milk and Honey? All that was long before Modern day
civilization. Yes there were periods when man was not so destructive,
but as his population grew he had far more destructive affect
Should we study the Mayans who destroyed their own culture
and were hardly as peaceful as we liked to believe up until recently.
Our ancestors had all the destructive habits that we have, it was
only their lessor numbers that prevented them from destroying
the Earth at the speed that we do today.
Let us modern day Pagans not reinvent the fall of man and believe
in a false Eden. Best way for Earth to recover. A massive die off of
mankind as with any other population of plant or animal. Or just
perhaps we humans could try to evolve to have some wisdom that
mankind has not yet had.
But meanwhile, know that our extinction from this Earth will cause
the gods no more grief than the extinction of over 90% of all the life
that has ever existed on planet Earth. Creation is ongoing. The gods
can start over as they have done over and over in our Earth's history.
How often does our science tell us of vast extinctions of the past?
Blessed Be,
Christopher
No I do not believe that the God/desses or God are super nannies
that will save us from ourselves, or clean up after us. More likely
they will just suddenly change the rules and see if we can adjust.
Free choice includes our right to fail and die off. Of course we
could surprise them and change.
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