1:05am
Hey Chels,
It's really 2:05am but daylight savings time just ended so now it's 1am again. So I've decided to write you before I go to sleep. So... You know how in one of my last entries I was going on about how I never heard from Larry? Well, apparently he had sent me a message on Facebook asking if I was alive, lol. I just never got it. And the next morning (Friday) I didn't turn my phone on until I got to the hospital (my dad's remicade infusion) and he had sent me a text and when I answered back he was like, "I was wondering if you were alive, lol." I just told him that I needed a break, which was true, and he understood that. I have had time to think about this whole thing and I've come to the realization that it doesn't even matter if we end up together because we will always be together anyway. If friends is all we will ever be, then fine. But you know... If I'm gonna be just friends with someone, maybe I shouldn't sleep with that person?? Hmm. I'm not sure yet if I want to completely let go of the possibility of something more, at least not yet. But, even though I was seeing someone else for a while, I'm still not ready to be serious with anyone. I just have to know that he's not gonna disappear on me every time we have sex. He didn't completely disappear on me but he was considerably more quiet, which is probably how I managed to get everything done that I got done. I think tomorrow I'm gonna catch up on some reading. I was going to start writing in the nb but... I dunno. I have so many books I need to finish that maybe if I took an extra day before I started, it wouldn't be that bad.
So... My dad is starting to drive me crazy. He is diabetic and in the past few days he has finished off my birthday cheesecake plus the majority of the Halloween candy. In 2 days. And he had gained 15 pounds since the last time he was weighed, which wasn't that long ago. Plus, when he went to the podiatrist, the doctor said he had some athlete's foot. But he didn't say either way what should be done about it. I didn't think it was that bad because he takes showers and nobody else had gotten it so I didn't think he needed medicine for it. So tonight, my mom barges in my room and asks about the bumps on his feet. I tell her what the doctor said and she got all pissy about it. Now, the reason why it bothers me is because we have both been rubbing this lotion into my dad's feet since that visit, and not once did she ever bring up the bumps on his feet until today and then acted like it was my fault that it was still there. It pisses me off that we gotta be on him so much about changing his clothes, what he eats and taking care of his feet. He is so good about taking his shots, but there's so much more to deal with in diabetes than just testing your blood sugar and writing it down. He has to start taking better care of himself. Not only does he run the risk of losing his feet, he runs the risk of losing his life with all those sweets he eats. He thinks that just because his sugar is "normal" that he can have 2 boxes of popsicles a day. Umm no. And then he never does anything besides play around on Facebook and nap. So the sugar is just building up. No wonder why he has no energy, he never does anything. And he always complains of different pains but never thinks about how to fix them and better his lifestyle. And my mom just lets it happen!! Because she's too tired to deal with it. Well, she pulled a muscle in her back in July and is still seeing a chiropractor who told her she needs to lose weight.
So, I'm gonna try and be more proactive and get my dad out and doing stuff more often. I may as well really start earning my keep around here. So the next time the person comes to evaluate me, I can say that I do this and this and this... Instead of, "well first this happens, then this, then... I'm not sure.". He is at a plateau right now which means he's probably going to be like this for the rest of his life. He's always going to need someone around. But he also needs to realize that it can't just be everyone else's effort. He has to put in the effort too to really start to feel better.
Ugh sorry for that rant. It's just been building up for so long, you know? Well.... I have some news for you. I made an official playlist for you. It's still on private so you can't see it but you're the only one who knows about it and I want to keep it on private so I might have to give you my info so you can get on my name to see it. I figure it's easier to just do that than confuse you with all the titles. But I'm going to start making an effort to make my videos nice and give them real titles and thumbnails.
I dunno if I wrote about this already, but I heard from James again. I'm torn between wanting to be his friend and telling him to just leave me alone. Talking to him upsets me because it pisses me off that I had to break up with him. Everything was going great and then bam. He just ruined it. I guess I'm having a harder time than I thought I would because he's the first guy I've ever really liked and I think I picked him because he was new and not someone who I already had a history with. I think at the time it was so refreshing to just get to know someone again. I never really got to do that before. I always met my next one in the wake of tragedy with my last one so it was nice to just be able to pick one for myself. I know you didn't like him but I had a really good feeling about him. Even though I still feel like I made the right choice, I still feel pissed at him. Not just for that night but he doesn't seem to talk very well or understand women at all. And even when I would talk logically, he still wouldn't understand me. So... I might have had a good feeling about him but how long could that have really lasted? Sometimes I thought we were perfect for each other and other times I just felt like the stupidest idiot in the world. I'm not sure how he even thinks of me besides I'm cute and he likes sleeping with me. I'm sure he didn't count on me having my own brain. I can't help that his emotions are weird. I say what's on my mind and he obviously couldn't handle it whenever I had a problem. What, he's so afraid to take criticism that I have to just be agreeable all the damn time? Umm.... You know that is not me. But for whatever reason he keeps trying to get back into my good graces and honestly I don't see that happening. Like I said earlier this year, I feel bad for anybody new who tries to get to know me. Because I've been through too much not to speak my mind. I'm not trying to be a bitch about it. I just want the person I'm being intimate with to know how I'm feeling. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh I'm too tired for this crap lol. I'm gonna get some sleep and hopefully get a bit more done tomorrow. We'll see. I love you and starting Monday I'm making more videos!
Love,
Me
1:48am
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Belly laughs
This is a book by Jenny McCarthy. It's about the lovely journey of pregnancy and childbirth. Or... Her journey through it. I have read this before so I thought it would be perfect for book club. So, in this book you can kind of guess why her marriage to her husband broke up. I've read every book by her so far except I'm not sure I finished "baby laughs", which is her next book. I didn't realize all of the things pregnant women go through. I mean, I know it can't be easy, but I guess some things that happen to some people don't happen to everyone and no one really knows what to expect until they actually go through it. I think it's funny that she thought all the stuff her hubby did to her while she was pregnant was funny, but by the third book she's on her own again. Like... He wouldn't pull over when she said she needed to pee and actually slowed down as they got closer to their destination, he would pick fights with her, check out other women, and the list goes on and on. And I'm not sure if it was just this book or every copy of the book, but there are a couple of pages missing. I guess it's cheap editing or something but a couple of times it just cuts out of the middle of a sentence. So... The next book in this series as I said before is "baby laughs.". I can't wait to actually finish it this time around, I'm not sure why I didn't before.
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