September 4th, 2012

September 4th, 2012
12:43am

Hey Chels,
Wow. If I don't start writing these in the nb soon I'm going to have a whole nb on a computer instead of an actual nb. But... I think what I'm gonna do is make a copy of what I have so I don't have to retype it. I know I could just print pages out but I'm trying to go green here!! And I have so much stuff that I want to put in the new nb, so writing it out would just look better. But anyway, I'm so sorry you fell down yesterday and you're stressing about money and whether or not you'll be able to go on this trip. But you know what, you got a real man this time, not David. So... No matter what happens you will be okay and I'm so glad you are starting to have a better outlook on life.

I hate to say this, but I kind of miss "her". I don't want to speak to her again, but a part of me wonders how she is doing. But mostly because it was around this time last year that we went on our first door county trip together. So I've kind of been thinking about that today. I had so much fun going back to dc but a couple months later she had to push me into going to dc with her for new years and I just snapped. She told me she would sleep in a tent up there. Like she was acting like I'm the one who always needs the big fancy hotel room or whatever, with a jaccuzi bath that I've still never got to use. So I think it's funny that she got herself so tripped up over sleeping in the woods in another place. It wasn't HER idea so she made herself all crazy. Ugh I'm still pissed that she did what she did and then made such a bfd (big fucking deal) about everything. Drama queen much?

I feel like I'm so behind on everything. Half of my books have to go back to the library but I think I'm gonna use the rest of this week to take a couple hours out and read so I can do some more book reviews. Because I have really missed doing those. I think what I've been feeling is just trying to get back into the swing of things and I think once I get paid again and I can study again I will feel much better about balancing studying with nbs. What I've been doing is taking a much needed break from hunkering down on everything which is great but I'm almost done with a bunch of things yet still not quite finished and everyone keeps pulling me into different directions. Like when did I suddenly become popular??

Oh so I have to tell you... Sunday I spoke to Kye and he asked me if I was still dating that guy and I said yes. And he asked me if I was just caving because I don't think I deserve better and that kind of hurt me a little bit (but I think he said it because he was sad that I couldn't give him a chance because I'm currently into someone else). I told him no that I'm not caving, after everything I've done to put myself back together this year, do you really think I would just cave because a guy takes a slight bit of interest in me?? Umm no. I like James. I'm happy to spend the time with him that I do spend and I enjoy talking with him and snuggling and just having him in my life as someone I can consider a friend but so much more than that. You of all people should be able to understand what it's like to find someone great after years of being hurt. I have the right to decide for myself who I choose to spend my time with and I'm sorry that that's going to disappoint a few people but I'm happy about my decision and I don't feel like I have to pick him or he'll disappear forever.

Lol, I didn't tell Kye all of THAT but I think he got the gist of it. But then he started talking about what sex between us would be like. And then asked if that was overstepping a boundary. And I was like, um yeah it sort of is and then he said something about being fully honest and I'm like... Well i didn't ask what sex would be like between us so you really didn't have to go there.  I thought that but didn't really say it. But I just thought it was kinda dumb. I already like this other guy, why are you going to bring up our would-be sex life now?? Especially when I didn't ask for it.

I can't wait to go on this wild magic thing. I can't wait to be with my girl, Angel, and hang out with more hippies for a whole weekend again. Just once more before having to say goodbye until next year. I can't wait to be at Lothlorian again and just be wild and free. And no that doesn't include getting naked and having wild orgy parties lol. It just means just being as much a part of nature as I can be until I can't anymore (stupid Winter). I know the weather has to change and I'm all for that happening but I just hate being freezing cold all the time. But at least this time I got someone to snuggle with who won't leave me hanging for weeks at a time.

I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm just waiting for the day when Larry comes back and tries to flirt with me again. I have a feeling it'll be in the winter time when he can't go camping as much and he's bored and lonely. I'm not saying it definitely will happen, but a part of me can't wait for the day when I can tell him that it's not gonna happen because I'm with someone else now. It might have seemed mean to tell someone I like him and then go for someone else, but I was still holding onto hope that he still felt about me the way he said he did before we slept together and it took me being fully honest with both him and myself to realize that I was in fact holding onto nothing. He just didn't want to say it because he was too much of a chicken shit to say it. Well, he had his chance and he blew it. If he was just some random guy I wouldn't have given him a second chance, and he got 5. I guess his "oh there's no maybe about it" fireworks talk was just talk. See... That was kind of bullshit. That right there made me feel like he actually cared and maybe this time things would be different. But no. So... I can't wait to tell him just how badly he fucked up. Because regardless of how his friend with cancer is doing, he still knows whether or not he likes someone. And he pretty much gave me the brush off and had been giving me the brush off all year. So... Now I found someone who actually likes to spend time with me and isn't afraid to admit it. And actually shows up.

I'm not sure if Larry even really cares about what he did. If he doesn't, that would be really shitty. I guess only time will tell but right now, he's lucky that I've known him for half my life and aside from this shit he's not a bad guy. And I do know that he does care about our friendship (although I'm not really sure if he even understands the word because I would never treat any of my friends like that). In either case, I'm hoping that one day I will at least get an explanation of what the fuck happened besides I had sex with him and it ruined whatever he felt about me because I don't believe that at all. I know I'm better off just waiting it out than demanding an answer, though. Cuz apparently he can talk me out of my pants but not actually hang out with me like a normal person and have an actual conversation with me. Ugh.

Man, I'm tired of bitching about this. Tomorrow is self declared root beer float, timesheet turn in, and nbs day. Whee!!

Love you,
Rita

1:29am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~dreams~
july 22nd, 2012:

In one of my dreams, I was on this beach. I found a nest and I went over to it and it had eggs, some that hatched already and some that hadn't. I went over to examine it and the ones that had hatched had babies that were alive. I looked for the mother and she was nowhere to be found so I laid down beside the birds to keep them warm. After a while the mother bird showed up but she wasn't mad, she let me pet her. She was all white with some gray but too big to be a seagull. Although that's very much what it could have been for all I know. So, a little while later I notice that some of the birds are looking at me, and then the other egg moves. It turns out to be this huge egg with about 7 or 8 littler eggs inside of it. I just keep watching as all the baby birds poke their way through all the egg shells. At that point a truck pulls up and people keep asking me what's going on and they try to get the birds away from me but neither the mama or babies are having it... And that's all I remember from that one. And then I'm a part of this couple where the guy is planning on flying me down to radio Disney to propose to me. So... First we have to fly on this plane, then someone takes us by boat and finally a taxi gets us there. The building is huge and my fiancé to be tells me he needs to do something and for me to go exploring and he'll meet up with me later. So I find out that we had 1,000,000,000 points and when we got there we only had 15,000. I guess that was supposed to be for travel expenses plus hotel and food and the rest was what we had left over. It was funny because I didn't recognize either myself or my boyfriend and whatever my boyfriend had planned or knew about, I knew about but the woman in my dream didn't.  So... My first stop was to check out the swimming pool. From my view there was just glass and you could look down below and see jets but you never got to see just how big it was. I kept walking to get another view of it and I noticed that there was a door, I guess you could exit without even going through the locker rooms or anything. As soon as I noticed that, all these women started coming up to me and tried pushing me into the pool and I got a good look and it did not look deep enough for someone to get pushed and land safely. So I escaped from the women and just continued walking down a huge hall. I saw a reception desk and then I saw a corner window and almost passed out from how high up I was. But I looked out the window and there was this guy looking too and he told me to focus on the roof so I did and I saw lots of cute little animals (fake ones). It definitely took my mind off of how high up we were. I saw this picture of how it was supposed to look and I guess from the outside it was this whole woodland creature type thing. But how could you see the little creatures from how high up we were? So... Eventually I said goodbye to the guy because I wanted to keep exploring so I went up these stairs and the next room was a pool hall. The tv was on and married with children was playing and there was this guy standing there looking very official who looked exactly like Bud Bundy. He and I gave each other this look and we actually reached out and grabbed for each other but I decided I needed to see my man so I started to head back and as soon as I found him, I woke up.