7:28am
Hey Chels!
Man alive I am up early. I feel like I had the craziest week. But I understand more of why I was so emotional on Thursday, I got my freaking period. You know, I've really been thinking about this whole Larry thing. It kind of irks me that he would open the door of a possibility of us and then just leave me alone with my feelings. I mean, I went ahead and said sex was okay because I didn't want to wait to be in another relationship, but I feel like he pushed himself on me a little bit and then pulled away for some unknown reason and to this day I still don't get it. I'm not sure why someone I've known forever who has been such a good friend to me would do that to me. But you know what, if he's going to be like this then I will find someone else. Maybe he just hadn't had sex for a very long time. I hate to think of him that way because for so long this year I had it in my head that he was my guy and this and that. But I dunno, Chels. I feel like I should respect myself more and wait until I'm ready for a relationship to even think about having sex again. Because being left alone like that really sucks. I know he's going through some stuff right now. And unlike him, I'm still going to give him some time to figure out his own headspace. Because more than anything I still want to be friends with him. It kind of hurts to know that maybe that is all we will ever be, but I'm tired of making excuses for it. I did what I felt was right at the time and he was an idiot for not taking real time with me before sleeping with me and then freaking out about it and then continuing to flirt with me, sleep with me, then stop talking to me. Cycle, rinse, repeat. I understand that at the time I wasn't ready for anything and I'm still far from being ready for anything and I thought that he was giving me space but that's something he should have done before and I allowed it which I realize now was inviting all of this trouble in. I had no idea I was going to feel this way about him but ever since March I've felt alone with my feelings and I've gobbled up any bone he would throw at me. But I can't do that anymore.
On a completely separate note, I reactivated my okcupid account because while I had it disabled I couldn't help but think of this one guy in particular. He was really sweet and we clicked right away so of course it scared me lol. But when Larry said that he didn't want me to miss out on anything great on the chance we might hook up, I felt like he was telling me that it was okay if I found someone else as long as I was happy. I personally felt like telling him that he was a moron for doing what he did but maybe he'll figure that out on his own. When it turns out that I waited as long as I could and I still managed to find someone else who isn't a moron, then maybe I will have my answer lol.
But anyway, so there was this guy that I had clicked with. So I thought that I may as well see for myself if there's anything else out there for me so I reactivated my okcupid account and sure enough he was still there. He said I was lucky that I found him this weekend because he was going to delete his account. So we just spent the weekend talking and I feel like it's the beginning of something but I'm not sure what yet lol. He is just really nice and we like a lot of the same things. He likes to read books and watch Supernatural. I just have a good feeling about him. As stupid as this sounds, I want to wait a bit before deciding anything though. I still like that Larry was the last guy that I was with and I want to hold onto that for as long as I can before letting go. I'm not going to tell him anything more about how I feel or anything, and I'm done having sex with him. I just can't have sex with anyone who doesn't feel the same way about me. So... I guess this is me trying to get over him?? Not sure. But I still want to give myself time to myself and not go for some other guy just because things didn't work out with this one.
So... Yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. And I still have to give Mark an answer. I can't just tell him that no I'm not ready to date and then a month later have a new boyfriend. Lol talk about ouch.
Anyway, I'm gonna go for now but mostly because I want to read a comment from someone lol.
Love you,
Rita
7:58am
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