November 10th, 2012

November 10th, 2012
1:25am

Hey Chels,
Before I say anything else right now, I want to take some time out and say a prayer for you and your family.

Dear God,
Thank you so much for my best friend and soul sister, Chelsea. Thank you for bringing her into my life and thank you so much for the decade of friendship and sisterhood that we've shared. I wish more than anything in this world that I could be there for her right now but I can't. So I'm going to ask that you be there for her tonight. Not only is she herself sick and in need of some major healing, but her father is in the hospital tonight. I'm not sure what your plan is for this family but if it's not his time to go yet, please give him the strength he needs to fight this infection and stay put. But if it is his time to go, I pray you put your loving arms around that family and keep them all safe and strong. And I pray that no matter what happens, Chelsea will find the strength to keep on moving forward.  I know she is going through some heavy times right now and aside from this sickness she needs some direction. So I'm praying also that you will point her to whichever direction she needs to go in.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

So... My friend's birthday party is today and I still feel like crap. I'm still going to go, but I have to figure out what time I need to leave to make it to the party on time and then figure out how to get the motivation to get myself ready to go by then. Because honestly all I feel like doing is sleeping and watching tv and doing notebook stuff all weekend like I did last weekend. All I need to do now is just write. And I guess I can get started on the next nb since I have enough material left over for another one. And that means I get to add more pictures, which means I get to go through my pictures again and print stuff out again. And more dreams and more other stuff.... Lol look at me go.

In a way I'm glad it's getting colder out and I don't have a boyfriend to distract me because I'm going to be busy with taking care of my dad, studying, and notebook stuff. My mom did talk about Christmas cookies this year so you might be in luck with that! And I didn't realize that you never got Breaking Dawn part 1, I figured you would have gotten it by now. So your presents that I definitely want to get you are White Oleander (book and movie), the finished notebooks (last 3), Breaking Dawn part 1, and Christmas cookies. Depending on how much money I have, I might have to break up the purchases but if I find them all on amazon.com I'm sure I can save a bundle :).

So... This James thing is still pissing me off. I know I should just be over it by now, but I can't help it. I've already decided that I'm not going to talk to him again, even if he is nice to me. It saddens me because I never meant for things to turn out this way. I really did like him and enjoy hanging out with him. A part of me feels like I didn't give things a chance to go anywhere. But you know what... I tried. And honestly I still have no idea where I actually stood with him considering he still never said one way or the other if he even wanted to be my boyfriend. And how can you break up with someone who was never really yours to begin with?

I tried to do what was best for me and find someone great. He was the one I got a good feeling about. I still don't understand why I had to get a good feeling about someone who ended up being hella confusing and hurting my feelings. Everything was perfect until he called me his girlfriend right off the bat. That set the whole thing up for failure because I freaked out and then felt guilty about it and was so thankful that he didn't tell ME to fuck off. How backwards is that? It just pisses me off though how in spite of that we still took the time to get to know each other and everything came crashing to a halt when he said everything he said that one day. Now it's like... He's pissed at me so he wants me to make this grand effort to get his stuff back to him. But you know what? I'm not taking time out of my day to drive all the way over there just so he can bitch at me in person about his damn comic books. And the stupidest thing is that hurricane Sandy just happened. People lost everything. And he's bitching about 2 comic books. Like how petty can one person be?

But let me tell you... Even when we were "friends", it was so awkward for me. He doesn't even understand how weird it is. He was trying to play it off like he's friends with people he's slept with like all of the time. Even though he's told me before that isn't true. And besides, I can't just go from holding someone's hand and kissing them to just being friends in one week. That's not going to happen. If he really cared about my friendship he'd recognize that I have my own feelings and I need to get over him before I start hanging out with him. And like... He'd always make these comments about my body and sex that I felt were just really inappropriate. Because you can't just say that stuff to me anymore. Jackass.

I know in time I'll get over this whole thing. It'll be easier once I don't text him back at all. I know he's upset at me because he liked me and I hung up on him. Well, if I did then I probably had a good reason to. And in all fairness I did warn him. He must have realized something was wrong after I just stopped talking altogether. But he just kept going and I couldn't take it anymore. You know what else I think it is? As much as I say I don't care if a person likes me or not, it bothers me that there's someone out there badmouthing me and saying and thinking really bad things about me. Especially since I did what I had to do to protect myself. But I can't explain that to a bonehead. Believe me, I've tried. I've been nice, I've let him talk to me and it still hurt me. So I'm just gonna try and remind myself of that. He might be hating me right now but he also never took the time out to consider my feelings when he had me. The fucked up thing is... He's the one who was always saying, "if we dated." "if we lived together.". Can't do much of either if my feelings are capped. I could just picture myself trying to hang out with him after he told me that and I knew it was going to be too hard. I wouldn't know what was okay to do or I better not show too much affection because he might get the wrong idea. Or I would have to stop him from ever paying for anything for me ever again. Which wasn't a big deal but he never let me pay for anything. But that's boyfriend/girlfriend stuff which apparently we weren't. Also, would be afraid to snuggle with him. See, all these things were my favorites to do and it was just all over. He ruined it for me. But one day I'll find someone who would consider himself the luckiest man on earth that I even looked his way much less anything else.

Alright, I'm gonna get going for now. I love you and will continue to pray for you.

Love!
Rita Bo bita

2:11am
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Perfect by Ellen Hopkins

I love the books this woman writes. She writes in prose, or poems, so the books look really thick but flow perfectly. In this book, it's about 5 teenagers who have their own definition of the word "perfect." most of these kids come from rich families where the parents are either dead or nonexistent in some way and they don't really care about what their kids really want. There's Cara, who has a twin brother names Conner who tried to shoot himself in the chest but now he's in a mental hospital. She is with this guy named Sean who is in love with her and she loves him but she doesn't know if she's a lesbian or not. And then there's Sean who has it in his head that the only way to be perfect enough to get into college is by getting a full scholarship through sports and steroids are the way to go. Then there's Andre whose passion is dance and art but his dad wants him to be an investment banker. He's black and his mom is a plastic surgeon and he just started dating the sister of a client, who is white. And then there's Kendra who is a beauty pageant queen who is one step away from anorexia. I'm still reading but I wanted to write and make sure I got all this shit straight before moving on, lol.

11/21/12
Hey! Just finished this book and... Wow. Just wow. So... Kendra turned out to be anorexic and she couldn't get the nose job she wanted because the doctor wouldn't put her under because of how tiny she was. And Cara broke up with Sean after he had sex with her for the first time. She got all hot and bothered by watching a porno of two women and he had taken Viagra to offset the steroids he never stopped taking. She didn't want him to but he did anyway and she kept saying no. Well, she broke up with him and he went crazy so at first he put her on blast on Facebook and there were lots of people who were really shitty and calling her names. Then he caught her making out with some girl and one day followed her to the girl's house and took pictures of her having sex with her girlfriend. He then showed it to everyone and got in trouble for sexting but he only got a restraining order and community service. But the roids were already making him schizophrenic. And let's see... Andre is going out with Kendra's sister, Jenna. She seems just bitchy at first but then it's developed that she has a huge drinking problem. She would flirt with guys at liquor stores to get her booze. And it caught up with her.
I always love these books because it's not just a book, it's written like poems and the words are like poetry. So beautiful! I suggest you read all of them.