Hey Chels!
Wow I so did not get enough sleep. I woke up really early and then couldn't shut my brain off. I just feel so drained from yesterday. I keep thinking about what I told Larry. I know he would want me to be happy more than anything. And we are friends before whatever else we decide to be. And if I felt like I wanted to take a chance with someone else then oh well. But I also feel like he's not in the right mindset to say anything right now and I get that because I wasn't in the right mindset for anything either earlier this year. So I don't want to let go until I know for a fact that I'm not the one for him. I would be sad but... If there's anything I learned this year it's that it's not about anyone else really. It's about me and whatever decision I make. If I feel like I want to wait until he is in the right headspace to make a choice between wanting to try things out or not then I can do that or I can just say "fuck it" right now and not give him any time whatsoever to think about it and move on now. But that second choice is really mean. If I was in a bad way I wouldn't want someone to give up on me that quickly. All I was really wondering yesterday was if he felt the same way as me, not that I wanted to do anything about it yet. That's why I feel like if he wasn't upset about his friend I would have gotten a more definitive answer. But at least I got an honest one. But honestly, I feel like I don't want to sleep with him anymore, not knowing if he at least feels the same way I do. I think this is my chance to be an actual friend and not just a naked one lol. Like... It will be easier for me to get over how I feel if we can hang out as actual friends without anything else. Now that I've told him how I feel, I think that makes the most sense and honestly it might have been the right answer from the beginning. I just didn't know how much of a big deal it was until after things had already happened. I don't want to view this as punishment until he decides he wants to be with me. That is not any way to get a man. If he wants to though, he will already know what he's getting himself into. Not like that's a bad thing, lol. I'm just saying. I want him to be with me or not out of his own free will because he likes me and wants to see where things go. And if he doesn't, well, I can't make him and I will be free to find somebody else then. I do know it will be his loss if he decides to let me go, but we can always just stay friends so it's not like I'm saying it's all or nothing. He'll just have to live with knowing he could have been the one to make me happy and he declined. And he'll have to watch someone else making me happy. I told him how I felt already and I can't do anything else besides give him time to sort out his brain which is what he did for me this year. He could have been selfish and decided we were together without giving me a chance to breathe, but he backed off and let me have my space and I decided that I would be willing to wait and see what happened. So maybe he'll come to the same conclusion and maybe he won't but I'm not gonna force him to decide right now or let him know how I feel just to take it away. I've had that happen to me before... By Geoff actually. That's why he got eternally stuck in the friendzone, too.
So... I have to talk to Mark at some point here. I already know what I'm gonna say, I just don't want to say it. I just don't have those feelings for him and I don't think it would be fair to go out on an actual date with someone who I already know it won't go anywhere with. He is a really good guy, I just feel that he is more for someone else than me. If I told him that though he'd be like... Uhh what? Lol.
I think I'm going to remain single until next year. And then after the new year I'm going to start putting myself out there and seeing who is out there. I think that would give me a significant break from guys in general and would be the break I've so desperately needed for so long. This summer to myself has been incredibly awesome. I met some really awesome people and did things I don't think I would have done had I been with someone, especially someone who didn't understand me. Not being tied down by constant negativity is the greatest feeling ever and I'm not sure if I ever want to give that up. Lol Larry is lucky I'm even considering him at all :p.
I might just tell Mark that I have to decline because I'm just not ready to bring anyone into the equation yet. I know it must have been difficult to get up the nerve to ask but I'm still trying to figure out how to be just me. Does that sound like I'm leading him on? I have no idea. But I have a feeling that's what I'm gonna end up saying.
Okay... Enough of this. Oh, I haven't heard from "her" at all. I went to my very first tarot class on Wednesday and I got my situation in perspective. Apparently I'm growing as a person too fast for her and now may not be the best time for her for me to let her go. But that doesn't mean that it's not right for me. And apparently there's something in her that needs to be fixed but I can't be the one to fix it. She is going to be taken care of by an older friend to heal that part of herself she is struggling with. And there was something else but I forget. Like I don't need to feel guilty for leaving her because she won't be alone. Although that's how she feels right now. She feels abandoned and all of that but like... Think about her patterns. She tends to take control of a situation because if she's not the one in control, then who is she? She sounds kind of like korey, demanding people hang out with her but not having everyone hang out together. I personally think it's very weird that I've known her for over a year now and I still have yet to meet anyone she is friends with. And the stupid thing is that she wanted me to join this coven of people I've never met. Like.. Okay I'm gonna dedicate my spiritual life to people I don't even know cuz that's such a great idea ::rolls eyes::. Well... I really don't know, dude. I am just at the point where I will cut out anyone I need to to live the life I'm meant to have. And if she doesn't want to work with me and allow me to grow then I can't be in that friendship.
Ugh my battery is gonna die so I think I'm gonna actually try and finish up the old nb!!!
Love you,
Bo bita
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~song project~
Song #2, Many the Miles by Sara Bareilles
There's too many things I haven't done yet
There's too many sunsets I haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would have thought by now, I'd
have learned something
(she's not ready to go "home" yet, there's too much she hasn't experienced. but still you can't just wish for life to slow down, just take it as it comes.)
I've made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world, I won't worry away, no
But now and again, I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light but then love comes in
(she made up her mind a long time ago that she wasn't going to waste her life away by worrying, but sometimes she gets stuck in the drama of everyday life, just like everyone else.)
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
how far do I have to go to get to you?
many time miles but send me the miles
and I'll be happy to follow you, love
(here she is talking about how far away is this love of hers? how far does she have to go to find someone who will keep her from being down because love is what gets her out of her funk.)
I do what I can wherever I end up
to keep giving my good love and spreading it around
'cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that, sing
(she does what she can to spread love and joy wherever she goes because she's had too much sadness in her life. i feel like this is exactly what i do, or at least try to do. i hate saying goodbye because it's too final so i just try and make the best of wherever i am.)
*chorus*
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many time miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
many the miles, send me the miles
and I'll be happy to
Red letter day, I'm in a blue mood
wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God, don't know if it's helping or not
But surely something has got to, got to, got to give
'cause I can't keep waiting to live
(I'm not sure what a "red letter day" is. but it sounds like she's talking to God because she's trying to stay positive in a world that is filled with things trying to bring her down and she's hoping that prayer will help lift her spirits. you know what I just thought of? being in the red means being in the negative, not a place you want to be. so being negative and being blue means that when she's in that headspace of being negative she talks to God but she's not sure if she's doing it "right". which... we both know there's no right way to talk to God.)
How far do i have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
how far do i have to go to get to you?
many the miles but send me the miles
I'll be happy to (repeat chorus twice more)
There's too many things I haven't done yet
There's too many sunsets I haven't seen.
I picked this song first and foremost because I absolutely adore Sara Bareilles. this song just takes me away and pulls at my heart strings, which is something that I love. i feel this exact way, like i've had to say goodbye to too many people so I try and not waste a minute of life but I still can't find someone to share my life with who is worth anything. That's what the song is about to me. :).
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