1:02am
Hey Chels,
So, today was the first day of the new year. I worked on some notebook stuff, went to the mall with my mom, and then just relaxed. I'm gonna start studying again tomorrow. So, I know I already talked to you about this but I'm going to write it in here. I can't do this thing with Larry anymore. Something clicked in my head last night. If he really felt the way he said he felt about me, he would have wanted to spend new years with me. Geoff, Mark, even Steve all asked what I was doing for new years. He was the only one who didn't. I'm just really disappointed. I gave him another chance because I didn't think this would happen again but it did. You know, I know I've been saying all along that I'm not ready for a relationship and all this stuff and I did my own thing for new years and it was lovely. But I was pining away for him and he never answered my text about new years and if I hadn't of texted him I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even thought to text me and say happy new years. And that really blows. I realized last night that it's not just about last night. I could have justified every other time we hooked up because I still needed space and he was trying to be a friend. But in a way I don't fully believe that because if he was really just a friend we would have just hung out like friends instead of hooking up. That's what really fucked with my head. And then when I was finally with someone he couldn't just hang out and talk to me as a friend because he didn't trust himself. So a week later we hook up again and he says something about not wanting it to seem like I'm just a piece of ass. And then that's all it turned out to be. I'm disappointed because I thought we were past this and I thought it was safe to give him another shot. But he ended up doing to me what he's done to me every other time. I can't just sleep with him and not see him for however long. Either we stay friends and just see each other whenever or we are lovers. I can't do both. Because it kills me to be intimate with someone I care about and then be merely an afterthought to that person. I feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. And that sucks. Believe me, the next time I talk to him and he tries to get with me I'm going to tell him all of this. Because it has to stop. I never did anything to deserve this. And I never thought he would do something like this. My only question is, why even start anything with me at all? What was the point? All it did was hurt me and make me feel like I was just a piece of ass to him. I will never understand why someone who otherwise has a huge heart could treat me like this. I'm just done waiting for him to give me permission to let him go. He let himself go. He is never going to find someone like me and he knows it. Someone he has a great connection with, can be himself around, and who he has amazing sex with. But I can't just sit around and wait for him to get his shit together. He had his chance with me. He had a million chances with me. And even though I tried to move on I couldn't and I gave him another chance, he still managed to screw things up. I don't even believe that he really loves me because if he did in any capacity he would not have treated me this way. He wouldn't let that much time pass before trying to see me no matter how busy he got. And he would have wanted me for new years.
So... Although it's sad, in a way it's very freeing because there are no outside influences swaying my decision. There's nobody else I'm seeing or even talking to. I'm just a girl who has had it with empty promises. I never ever thought Larry of all people would lie to me or use me. I always thought his intentions were honorable and he must care about me and all this stuff. Well, he sure has a fucked up way of showing it.
I signed up for okcupid again. I just want to see if that's an option for me and this time I don't want to run away so fast if I find someone nice. And I'm just going to worry about myself (like I have been) and maybe actually go out on some dates if I want to. I might never have the answer about Larry. Maybe he thinks he isn't good enough for me and maybe I'll just figure that out on my own or maybe he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Well if he didn't want one he shouldn't have started anything with me besides friendship and you bet your ass I'm going to tell that to him.
Alright. I'm a lot calmer than I was before so I'm going to go for now. I will give you an update as to what happens but I have a feeling it won't be for a while. It is a conversation I have been avoiding for a while and these things need to be said. I can't just let him charm his way back like always. The important thing for me to remember is that he did this. For whatever reason he didn't want me. Just wanted to sleep with me. And he has to live with that. I know what his excuses will be. He was doing inventory and then the holidays came and blah blah whatever. And then the anniversary of when his dad died is coming up soon. But frankly I don't care about any of that. I'm sure his dad would hit him upside the head if he knew he was letting me get away. And after everyone else I've had to say goodbye to, it's sad to realize that I have to say goodbye to all of my dreams of us together. I was really looking forward to that.
He has to know on some level that he fucked up again. And I bet he will try and apologize. I don't need excuses or apologies. I need someone who won't want that much time to pass before seeing me again, no matter what the circumstances. And I need someone who would want to be with me (that I also want to be with in the same way). And someone who will tell me he doesn't want me to be just a piece of ass, and then turn around and treat me like one. Either sleep with me or don't but you can't have it both ways.
Ugh I am exhausted, but these are things I have been needing to say for a while. I just haven't had the guts to say any of it out loud because I was holding onto hope that he'd not disappoint me. But I can't just wait forever for him to decide what he wants. I need to live my own life. And I have to stop waiting for someone who will always have an excuse as to why he's too busy to text/talk/visit me. Just seems like no matter what, all I'm doing is waiting.
I don't hate him. I don't want to cut him out completely. I just need to get over all these extra feelings. I need to let go of the idea of him and face the reality of who he is. He's a nice enough person but just either not ready for a girlfriend or doesn't want me that way. If that was true why didn't he just say so in the first place? I hate that he isn't a bad guy. If he was then it would be easier to get over him. But I've been doing well on my own and thinking of other guys and opening myself up to any possibilities so.... I'm sure that one day I will find someone who won't need to make excuses. This is what pisses me off. I'm such a great girl and he thinks so highly of me and all this stuff.... Yet all he has for me are excuses. Kind of pathetic.
Alright... Now I'm done. Love you!
Rita
1:43am
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11:43pm
Hey Chels,
So... Today was my first day "back." I studied for about an hour and the rest of the day was spent relaxing. And going to get sushi and reading my book. And apparently making plans for Valentine's day. My friend Steve is supposedly going to come visit me. Now, I'm in a play and there's still a lot to figure out with tickets and location and all of that. Hopefully the next time we meet there will be a more structured thing. Like... This is what's going on. I'd love to be able to tell people where they can buy tickets and all of that. But I need to know for sure of what's going on. At any rate, steve is apparently going to take the whole week off and he wants to get a hotel room in the city and take me with him. I might not be able to stay in Chicago that whole time but I'm pretty sure he would drive me back home if I needed to get home or something. I'd like the idea of him being closer to me though so I could stay at home and we could go to the city together instead of him spending all this money on a hotel room. Now, if he wanted to get a hotel room in the city after the play, that would be different. He could spend however many days he's here like Monday through Thursday at a hotel that's close and we can still hang out, then Friday is the play, then Saturday night stay over in the city. We could still go to museums and if we don't want to drive there's always the train and taxis. It'll work out. IF it happens. Now... As for anything else happening... I have no freaking idea. I don't want to have sex with anyone until I'm in a relationship with that person, I've already decided. But would I make an exception for him? I don't know. A part of me has been in love with him for years. But in light of recent events, I have decided that I'm not gonna have sex again until I know for sure that the guy isn't going to go anywhere. And if that's a problem for anybody then too damn bad. I got my bob, I'm good. And I know that steve would never pressure me to do anything I didn't want to. Even if all we ended up doing was cuddling, I know that would be good enough for him. Thing is... I'm pretty damn sure that if he actually lived here, we would be together. But he has his own life in his own state and he doesn't want to be in a relationship, much less a long distance one. And I am not doing long distance again. I think the primary reason for this meeting is because we've been friends for such a long time that it's almost ridiculous that we haven't met yet. I met him in 2001 so almost 12 years (will be on May 18th). I understand your willingness to kick his ass though and I am in complete agreement with you. He gets my hopes up just to shatter them, he's getting his ass handed to him and that's all there is to it. There is someone else, too.
So... I am on okcupid again. I decided to make another profile again and this time I'm gonna stick it out for a while. Larry is gone and steve lives too far away and I just want to look and see if there's anyone out there I would actually like. I know what I said about that paranoid feeling but if it happens, the guy better be cute lol. Anyway, there's this guy that I've been talking to since around the time I met James and he messaged me again when I was on plentyoffish and then he found me again today. And he was actually one of the guys I felt was normal enough to have a real conversation with. So... I'm not sure where that's gonna go but it's a start.
But I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I don't need a man. I don't want to be alone forever, either. But I'm not holding my breath for any of these guys. Steve is sweet but I'm okay if we're just friends. In his mind he loves me but in reality, I'm not pining away for someone else. I'm not gonna do that shit anymore. I'm sick of doing all the chasing.
Ugh I'm freaking exhausted. I hope I can sleep more than 4 hours tonight.
Love you,
Rita
12:08am
1/3/13
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