1:35am
Hey Chels,
Ugh this Mike guy is bugging the shit out of me. I went through hell this year. I am pretty damn sure that I will never have another heroin addicted boyfriend in my lifetime. Of course he doesn't know that but whatever. He's just annoying me right now.
I feel so bad for Larry. First his godfather dies and then today he finds out a friend of his got laid off from the hospital he works at. I met her that night at the bowling alley because she's a bartender also. She still has that job which is good but guessing from his mood I would say that losing the hospital job was not a good thing for her. I have been giving him extra prayers and positive energy this week. I hope it worked even a little.
I am so glad I'm almost finished with my project! But I can't believe that the last two books had all that crazy stuff in there. I might have to redo those and you know what? I might turn it into one book and see if that works better. Then I'm not sure what I will do with those two. It just depends on if I feel like going through the whole book and whiting out all the mistakes or just making a new book. But I can't think about that until I'm done with this one anyway cuz I don't want any distractions until I'm done with one thing.
So... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm pretty sure this is the weekend that Stephanie would come into town for Christmas dinner because it happened around the same time last year. It's gonna be crazy... Barry is going to bring his crazy girlfriend jenelle, Stephanie is going to bring her husband Matt, and I don't even know if Chris is still alive or not. I just feel like I wish I could find out how things are going for everyone without having to ask. I'm not curious enough to create a stupid fake stalker profile... I just want to know. I think it's nuts because Stephanie was still with KC last year and then bam she's married to someone completely different now. And her mom liked me and said she hoped Barry brought me around next year. Well it's next year and I'm not gonna be there. I'm pretty sure someone's gonna ask about me. Talk about awkward. I wish I could know!!! But it's more to satisfy my curiosity than actually giving a shit about these people. Like... With everything that happened with Stephanie this year, I don't give a shit if she's happy. She ruined my weekend and then dragged KC through the mud, cheated on him then flipped the fuck out when he wasn't kissing her ass anymore and then she just up and marries some guy who is perfect after 2 whole weeks. I'll be surprised if they make it till next year around this time. And as for Barry, he can say what he wants to about me. The truth is I was the best thing that happened to him and he treated me like shit. He could date Cindy Crawford and it wouldn't matter, I know I treated him better than anyone else he had been with and he did what he could to try and destroy me but it didn't work. I am starting a new year off on my own terms and anyone who doesn't like it, well too damn bad.
Also, I realized something. I was obsessing over asking Larry about if he saw us being more than friends and I never got the courage to ask, not even now. But it's not out of fear of what the answer will be. It's because if we have that conversation, it might result in us officially trying. And that would be the end of me being single. And honestly, yes I could see myself with him. I love being around him, I love him in general. But it's not a selfish kind of love. It's a general I love him as a person and want him to be happy kind of thing. And he knows I've been in enough bad relationships to truly appreciate when a good man comes along. And everything he did this year was because he cared about me. He might not have executed certain things properly but you know... He really did more for me than anyone else I've ever been with. For one he gave me space and was prepared to let me go just because he wanted me to be happy and try and find someone else I could be happy with. And he tried to give me as much space as he could because he knew that I needed a friend more than a boyfriend at that particular time. And I know that he loves me the same way that I love him. So yeah I would love to see us work things out. But am I ready for that yet? I'm gonna say no because as much as I care about him, I'm still enjoying being on my own. And obviously if I wanted to have him as a boyfriend already I would be hounding him to answer me and all of that. But frankly... Am I ready to fall in love again and be in love with someone? If I was, I would definitely be putting myself out there more, would probably still be seeing James and trying to be optimistic even though he's a moron. It's funny how quickly he forgot me since he got his comic books back. But I'm just glad I don't have to talk about the same things over and over again anymore. It was like adding more salt to an open wound. I definitely would not be ready or willing to give my heart to someone who would be a dick about my feelings and try and play it off. There's a reason why he's still single. Because he fucked up probably the one girl who actually liked him.
And then there's Mark. I get it that he likes me. And he's not bad to hang out with. But omg if he mentions wanting to hang out again I'm going to fucking scream. It's every week. Almost every time we talk he asks me out and I always say no. It's like... No I don't want to hang out with you because everytime we hang out you always ask me out on a real date and I hate turning someone down flat but now I haven't even said anything about it and it's been a while. It's not just about not liking him that way anymore. Now that I have my freedom I don't want to get rid of it. I'd like to hold onto this time where I'm just me for as long as I can. I'm not gonna sleep with anybody, not going to date around, just deal with my own stuff.
Phew, I feel like I breezed through a bunch of topics. I better get my happy ass to bed because I'm going to be hanging out with a friend tomorrow :). Or at least I hope. It's Evelyn!
Love,
Me
2:14am
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