1:20am
Hey Chels,
I am freaking exhausted but I thought before I went to bed I'm gonna write for a little bit. So, in spite of the horrible cramps I had all day, it wasn't a complete bust. My dad had a good day so there was less stress for me to worry about. And I think tomorrow I'm going to send both of my stories to my mom for her to read. I really value her opinion and even though I've gotten great feedback, I want to make sure I'm on the right track. And when I feel better (and when my dad doesn't have a million doctor appointments) I am going to go to the library to write. I can just picture myself sitting in a comfy chair looking out the window at the view and just being inspired to write. I can't wait until that actually happens.
So, I've been thinking a lot about boys. Especially ones that I've had to deal with this year. Even though I'm pretty much over him, I can't help thinking about James. I mean... We had our first kiss and first sexual encounter in the same day. A part of me isn't ashamed that it happened, I mean we're both adults, but a part of me wishes I could have just told him that I didn't want to do that yet. He made such a big deal about what he thought about women who put out on the first date and I feel like that was a test that I failed because he didn't want to be my real boyfriend 2 months later. I just liked him and thought we had a connection... Normally I don't jump into bed that easily but whatever. Also, I'm wondering where that guy went. Like, the more I got to know him, the more insecure he became. Like all he would talk about was his penis and how fat he wasn't. And it drove me nuts. I have no idea why he would even go there but it was like... Awkward because how many times can you tell someone that they're not fat and just shut up about it?
I guess I do still miss him. He was great before we met. I'm pretty sure it was a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway. I just can't be with someone who right off the bat thinks the sex will eventually be boring and we will run out of things to talk about and I'm the only crazy one. It was like he worked so hard to get me and when I came back he did everything he could to drive me away and it worked. I just wish he had been the really funny guy that I had a good feeling about before all that stuff happened.
I still have no idea what to think about Larry. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all and other times I can't get him to shut up. But I think I'm done with dating for a while. I have no desire anymore to make a profile on any website, fake or real. I just want to suck up as much alone time as I can before some great guy comes along and makes me forget why I want to be single. I do care about Larry though but sometimes I feel optimistic and things will happen when they're supposed to and other times I feel like "where is this going? Does he just want to be friends with me? Does he eventually want to be more? What is he waiting for?" I know I could always ask but most of the time it just seems like the wrong time to ask. I could have asked the last time we were talking all night but my head hurt and my dad was throwing up so I did not need that conversation. But the next time it happens, I'm not making any more excuses. It's not even like I want him as my boyfriend now. I just want to know what's going on in that head of his. I would be willing to try things out and see where they go but if he doesn't want to then I'm not going to invest any energy into anything besides friendship. I think that's only fair. I just want to know that if I gave my heart to him one day he wouldn't hand it back to me. If we went that way. Ugh I hate when I get obsessive. I just really want to know! I feel like I will have my answer before the year is up. I just don't know what it will be.
Alright, I'm gonna get going. I love you and I'm so excited because depending on how I feel tomorrow, I am either going to try to finish typing up the nb or do my tarot cards. I'm hoping for both but... Well you know me. Maybe I should do a relationship tarot reading for myself and a moving reading for you. I think I will do that soon.
Love!
Rita
1:45am
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