10:37pm
Hey Chels!
Omg Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 is almost here!!!! I can't believe it. I remember hating Twilight at first. But then curiosity took over and I've been hooked ever since. I don't care what anyone says. I love the movies. I cannot wait to own ALL of the movies. I know you've had issues with certain parts of certain movies and stuff they took out, and I have too. But they can't show everything. I wish they could. If they can make stupid Lord of the Rings 3 hours per movie, they can add stuff to these stories. But... They're all great in their own way. It's just so magical and supernatural and romantic all at once. And after the year I've had, it's been so nice to have something like this to look forward to.
But anyway... I got some of your Christmas gifts!!! I got breaking dawn part 1, white oleander the book and movie off amazon.com today. The whole order cost me only $25.00. Also, I started working on scanning the old notebooks and when each of those are done, I'm going to send them to you. The originals. And if I like how those turned out, I'm going to do the same to all of my books. And then put the originals in a box of some sort. Like a fire proof box. And I want to keep it somewhere like the loft above my bathroom or something so it's still IN the house. I can't wait to see what the finished books are going to look like. I feel like I should see how the scanning goes, and then still type up the pages and only scan the pages with pictures on them so there will be a journal book and a book with all the scanned pictures and stuff. Plus there's a lot that will go fast because there's a lot of stuff I don't need to scan. It'll be cool to see. I want this project finished by the time I'm 31 and also I want to see if this will inspire me to actually finish other projects that I started years ago and then never finished.
So, I want to talk about this dream I had. Larry was in it, and we were in the back of a van. Someone else was driving and we were just in the backset. He said, "thank you for always making me laugh." and I said, "thank you for always being around." and he kissed me. It's funny because every time I have a dream about him, I feel like it's really him in my dream. He acts the way he would act towards me. He's been kind of quiet lately but after the flu shot he's been low on energy and I think maybe he's still low on energy? Not sure. It's different this time because I know how he feels about me. I just don't know why sometimes he's not leaving me alone and then other times that's all he does. I try not to drive myself crazy over it but... Sometimes I just miss him. Especially when he's quiet. So that's when I will say "I want to see Larry in my dreams tonight." the crazy thing is that it actually happens. This has never happened to me before. Whenever I have tried this before, the person has always looked different than they do in real life. Or I don't know it's them. Or something like that. But with Larry, maybe we are just that connected to each other that he actually does come visit me in my dreams. I've never actually talked to him about anything regarding the supernatural or what he believes in as far as anything cosmic. But like, everything that I've thought about he's said out loud, everything that I feel he feels too, and he's visited me in my dreams and it's felt like him. That doesn't mean nothing, that definitely means something. I just hope that I can find the courage to tell him about me. Not that I'm like... Psychic or anything, because I wouldn't exactly call myself that. But just, when I feel connected to someone, I just feel like I can really feel that person, even when they're not around. And like, know things that they're feeling. That's why I didn't want to give up on us. I dunno, he says that we might just end up being friends but after he found out that I was with someone else he felt like he couldn't just see me as a friend. So maybe there is a reason for us to be so connected. Right now I feel like he loves me. Kind of like the way I explained how I loved him. But he's still waiting... Not sure what he's waiting for... Maybe he's afraid to rush things because he wants things to be right. And also I feel like there's a lot of stuff going on with his work that is draining him and as much as he would love to be talking to me all day, he can't do that every day. I'm also getting that I should start the day off tomorrow with a sexy picture, but we shall see about that. Lol.
A part of me wants the waiting to be over and I want to be his already. But... Another part of me is still reluctant to be anyone's besides myself. I sort of miss James, too. He had good energy :(. But that was before he ruined it. I think ultimately though, I'm going to wait for him to come to me and then talk to him about stuff. I hope it's not another 6 weeks before I see him again, either. But it might be. Lol. I'm torn between wanting to be with him and wanting my freedom. Now that I've had it for this long, I like it too much. I'm good with being on my own. But that doesn't mean I can't flirt with him every once in a while, lol.
So.... I heard from Danny yesterday. He's safe but lost power for a while. We still play around, but it's funny because whenever he's "finished," he gets hungry and leaves and I don't hear from him again for a while. But yesterday I was kind of bad... I took pictures. I did this without telling him. I mean... He always leaves and doesn't come back so I figured that this time I will have something to tide me over. And it works, lol.
So.... I can't believe this year is almost over. It's weird to be reliving my life from last summer up until now. I feel like this has been quite a ride. Lol and I just got the urge to make another okcupid account. Not to actually meet anyone, but I kind of miss talking to people. The screwy thing is that I kind of want to make a fake account somewhere and see how many people respond to it. Or say I live somewhere that I don't, or something. I dunno. Lol it's funny, I don't like the attention I'm getting from the guys I already know, so I want to go on a dating website and make up a fake profile and talk to boys. What IS that?? It's like playing the online field, or something.
Hmm. Maybe I wouldn't be thinking about this at all if Larry was still paying attention to me, lol. At any rate, I'm going to attempt to relax and watch some Olga Kay. Love you!
Rita
11:31pm
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11:47pm
So... I decided I'm good without an online dating page. In my head it would be fun talking to different people and getting to know them, but in reality, I'm not too comfortable with people knowing my face. I mean, if I'm local and get to know somebody in person that's different. But to know that someone would know so much about me and be walking around with all my info in their head, ugh that's just weird. Plus I could find another James. Someone I have a great feeling about who ends up being a douche. I miss being with someone. And I love it when Larry and I do talk and see each other. And now that it's winter time there's not a lot to do outside in the cold. So... I dunno. I dunno what I want. It would be so easy to just go to someone else who I know would love to date me but... My heart just isn't into using people like that. So... From this day forward I'm just gonna focus fully on me. I know I say that a lot but I'm really trying! Between things ending with James and missing him despite all the shitty things that happened between us, then moving to Larry and then having things be a little quiet again, it's hard to just turn the focus back on myself. And I bet that by the time I get used to that, I'm going to be sucked into this whole Larry thing again. I hope that eventually something changes because even though we've moved forward from all the weirdness of the summer, I still feel like we're right at the periphery but nothing is actually happening. And that is what I have to learn to be okay with. He seems to think things will happen, so okay fine. I will allow myself to take a break and then see if things do happen and then maybe things will keep happening and I won't have to bore you with this stuff anymore.
Alright so, tomorrow is supposed to be Tarot class day but my cousin Mark is coming to town so I have two more weeks to work on my tarot cards. I have a feeling this project is going to take me forever, just because I am not in the habit of working on these things every day. But maybe if I work on at least 2 per day, I'll get there. And maybe if I feel inspired I will work on more than that. But there is a deadline, unfortunately. So I'm going to have to crack down. I have to figure out another schedule. Because now that I have a bit more time to work on your birthday/christmas presents, I should give myself some more time to work on my cards. It's important to me because it's the first time I've really took the time to just draw something. Writing is different, I could do that all day lol.
Anyway, I'm gonna go for real this time. I love you and as always, thank you for being here for me and listening to the constant circles of my mind. Ooh wait!!
Morning:
Wake up
Yoga
Breakfast (yogurt with honey and granola)
Study for 2 hours (Monday through Thursday)
Tarot cards (Friday, Saturday, Sunday)
Gathering info about tarot card symbols and getting ideas for each card (one-two hours every day)
Typing up notebooks volumes 8 and 10 (one hour each)
Writing in volume 12 (Sundays after tarot cards for that day are finished)
Finished with everything by 10pm.
This is my new schedule from here on out. This does not include days that I'm hanging out with my dad. and by that I mean running errands with him and taking him to doctor appointments, etc. And days where I'm sick/on my period. But that is what I want to stick to to accomplish all my goals of everything I have to get done. And get some exercise in.
Goodnight!!
Love,
Rita
12:33am
11/14/2012
Dreams for 11/14/12
I am having trouble remembering these dreams but I'm going to try. So... In my first dream, I remember my gramma being sick. It was new years eve. My family went to visit her in Chicago. She wasn't at a hospital though, she was at a convent. It was an old brick building that was beautiful inside. The nuns wore these really beautiful blue and green dresses. It was almost midnight and my mom was the only one who got to see her because they closed at midnight. So they're turning the lights on and off, which indicates quiet time and I'm putting on all my stuff because it's cold out and this girl that looks like Ellen Degeneres only younger comes up and points to her lips so I kiss her. It's just a peck, though. I guess because it was after midnight and it was new years?
So then, I'm going on this road trip. I'm in the passenger seat of this car and the girl driving pisses me off. The controls for all the windows is on my side but she keeps rolling her window down even though the ac is on. And then we stop at this place for a pit stop and for some reason I'm standing at a table eating candy corn that I've dumped out of the bag and she's trying to make something and she keeps stealing my candy corn and it pisses me off. I think the girl is supposed to be Stephanie, Barry's cousin. But yeah, that's all I remember.
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