12:53pm
Hey Chels,
I feel bad. I feel like I haven't been writing anything of substance for a while. I've been putting all my energy into finishing the nb that I feel like I've been neglecting you. Err... The nb. So...
Saturday was not a fun day. My mom woke me up early to tell me that she called an ambulance for my dad cuz he was having that pain again that he had from last year. He's been in the hospital for the past few days and I really hope that he can come home today. But more than that, I hope that he doesn't have to go back so soon. I guess the doctors are giving him Xanax so he will be calmer or something and to help with his tremors. I just hope he doesn't barf again but we have some meds here if he does. I think this might be selfish but I really hope I can still go to my tarot class tomorrow because I missed the last one, too. I just don't want to be that far behind. But I found a website that really helps with the translations. I just need another eraser, lol.
Anyway, kind of got off track there. So... I went to my writing group after spending some time with my dad on Saturday. It was only me and two guys, Jason (from my tarot group), and his friend Terry. I shared my angel wings story and they both loved it. It gave me so much to work with that it inspired me to work on it all weekend. I just don't want to stop writing and I've added little backstories that don't go anywhere yet. I just want this story to come alive and I can't wait to share it with you. I'm thinking that I'm going to work on these stories as I work on my notebook (volume 12) so that when I'm done with that and can send it to you, I will have two finished books for you to read, as well. That's how inspired I am and how much I believe in both of these stories.
So, Sunday I spent some time at the hospital but we didn't get there till the afternoon. I tried writing my story but kept getting distracted. My mom and I were going to leave as soon as the movie we were watching was over but my dad decided to double over in pain and then start shaking. I guess the nurses didn't want to believe that it had been a real seizure because he knew where he was and was awake for all of it but it looked kind of like it did when he was having those seizures back in May. There were about 4-5 nurses in the room and my mom was freaking out and all I kept thinking was,"to anyone who can hear me right now, please take care of my dad!! Please send loving and healing energy to this room!!!" and I managed to keep calm. I hardly freak out anymore when my dad has these episodes. Not that they're not horrible but I've come to the realization that freaking out isn't going to do much but add stress to the situation and what my dad needs is for someone to be calm. I do, however, let myself eat really bad food and only deal with people I want to deal with, like you and Beverly.
I haven't told any of my guy friends besides Geoff that my dad has been in the hospital. Which brings me to my next point, Larry.
Now, I love the guy. In the simplest, purest way ever. But something happens to me when I hear from him that I don't like. When he texts me, I scream inside. "yay! He texted me! He must be thinking about me." and then I think of everything I want to say to him so I text him back and then either one of two things happens. Either I hear back from him, or I don't. If I do, I consider it a victory. But if I don't, I start getting mad insecure. "why isn't he texting me back? Maybe he's tired. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he just wanted to say that one thing. Maybe he's done with me already. Maybe his phone broke/got lost/stolen/battery died." etc, etc.
Honestly, I have no flipping idea why he doesn't text me back. Or only says a couple things and then stops. Then I start going over some things that I need to say to him and I obsess over it.
This pattern drives me nuts and I need to stop it. I need to remind myself of the things I do know for sure and leave it at that. For one, I know that he loves me and I know it's the same kind of love that I feel for him. Not crazy and demanding but just a love that you have from knowing someone. For another, I know for a fact that I'm the only girl he has ever had in his backseat and the only girl he ever sexts with. (I haven't been as faithful from my periodical chats with Danny, lol). Also, he doesn't want a repeat of what happened this summer. I know he doesn't just want sex out of me but this summer it kind of felt that way when that's the only time I would hear from him. I could forgive that once but if it happened again I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again. At least as anything more than just a friend. And he knows that.
Plus, this is my break. Being with James made me realize that maybe I'm not ready to be with someone full time. But if I'm going to be sleeping with that person, I would like to know that that's a possibility. Which is what I keep going over in my head as well. What I need to do is stop going through the same things over again and just focus on me and he will talk to me when he does and when it seems like he's not going anywhere (meaning it's a time when I actually hear from him all day) I will talk to him about it. And I'm okay with whatever he says. But if we are just going to stay friends I would rather try just hanging out as friends. If he doesn't think he can do that then... I dunno what to tell him. He doesn't want to be with me yet can't handle just being friends with me. Lol good luck with that. I'm not saying he doesn't. I'm just saying he might say that he doesn't. And I'm preparing for that. Of course we both know that if he says that then he's a moron. But... That's not my issue.
So... Until then, I'm going to put it out of my mind. I can't worry about the future when I should be enough for myself. And you know what? I am. I love the person I've become without a man weighing me down. I wish I had had the strength before to stand up for myself and make the boys work harder instead of only caring about their feelings. Like with Barry... I was so afraid to not hang out with him cuz he made it seem like if I didn't when he was available then I might not see him for another week. And all that stuff with Sarah. He went right from her to me and then from me to Jenelle as soon as he got out of jail. I would rather be single for 5 years than get caught up in that mess. And I'm damn proud of myself for not taking him back. He was trashing Sarah in his letters to me but sent her quite a few letters. Sometimes I miss her but I'm not gonna get caught up in that mess again. I found Barry's new Facebook and I guess he has 137 friends. I guess I'm the only person he really lost after everyone ditched him initially. But you know what? What if I took him back? What if like everyone else I didn't stand up to my convictions and say "no, this is not acceptable."? Sometimes I wonder. But I know that I'm better off. Thinking about last year compared to this year, there's a huge difference. By this time last year things had already started unraveling. He was growing more and more paranoid, not sleeping, we weren't seeing each other, everytime we did talk there would be some kind of crisis going on with him, and I was beginning to feel more like a taxi service than his girlfriend. Not to mention he would tell me when he needed to be picked up and then make me wait outside his apartment until he was ready. By December things had gotten really bad. We weren't fighting but I was just left wondering what the fuck was going on and a lot of the time I just felt like shit and I wanted to know what was going on so bad. I even thought about breaking up with him at this point and that realization hurt me. He broke plans with me, was always sick, looked like hell, would claim to want sex but wouldn't do anything about it (at least not with me), and his attitude was just getting downright scary. I got yelled at for sitting on his keys because his stuff was all over the place and that was the only spot I could find to sit down. Not to mention his apartment was covered in a gross disgusting smell. That I now realize was probably heroin and cigarettes and whatever the hell else.
I was around it and didn't even realize. And then came new years, Aka the weirdest new years of my life. Who takes their girlfriend on what is supposed to be their one year anniversary to their ex's house? Who does that? Tell me how that is normal. And the way he was acting was nothing short of freaking bizarre. And he got attacked by a cat. I think he let the cat attack him on purpose so he could go to the bathroom and shoot up. Fuck, didn't even think of that till just now.
I decided that this year, I'm not going out for anybody. I'm staying inside, in my room. I'm going to put on Sex and the City, drink some wine, and eventually go to sleep. When I had HBO they used to have a sex and the city marathon every new years. So, I decided to bring that back. Unless someone can convince me otherwise but at this point I don't even care. I don't want any drama, no blood, no fighting, no weird awkward anything. Just peace and quiet.
Well my dear, I think it's about time for me to go, as this battery is almost dead and I should get myself ready for when my dad gets discharged (plus I want to grab some hot and spicy soup for my mom because she's sick). I love you and I promise not to let myself go that long without writing.
Love you!!
Rita
2:04pm
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[The new pagan way] (I thought this email was interesting and maybe it will clear some questions up that you might have?)
from: christopher blackwell
I have one problem with all the evidence about Witches.
all of it, even the name was invented by outsiders, who
quite likely didn't know anything about it.
Imagine trying to prove that Christianity existed with not
one single Christian Writer or Practitioner having a say so.
Imagine if our only information came from Jews and
Muslims. Don't you think the information might be a bit
tainted?
Ironically we have no solid information from the so called
Witches themselves. We already know the vast majority of
those accused as being Witches were not. So much for our
myth of those millions of poor suffering Witches that were
persecuted. There were not millions, not even hundreds of
thousands and the vast majority were not likely to have been
Witches, if any of them were. They were tortured and said
whatever their tormentors wanted them to say.
So that leaves an unanswerable question. What did Witches
believe and what did they do? All we know is what outsiders
claimed.
Does that mean there were no Witches? No, it just means we
cannot tell what they actually did. Not based on historical
documentation based on what Witches said about themselves.
By the way the Oxford English Dictionary claims that Wic
meant to bend, to shape. So they might be wrong but they
are considered to sort of know the language.
Our entire knowledge of Witch craft is based on folk tales,
that mostly were used to claim all sorts of bad things about
Witches. Now if you have some ancient Witch material from
the Witches themselves then I would be interested.
We would not judge what Jews were about just by quoting
European folk tales so what makes it reliable on Witches
and what they did, or that they even ever existed?
Much of what is modern Witchcraft seems to be traceable
to magical lodges since 1400. That much Hutton was able
to trace using written records. Where do we have such
written records about the alleged Witch side of the equation?
Without it we have only guesswork.
It is as silly as attempts to tell us what cave dweller's
religion was, their beliefs and practices. Were the Venuses
goddess symbols or magic talismans to encourage female
fertility. There are plenty of examples where we make
images of the things we want to influence. Like attracts
like.
Nor can we use tribal people of today, even modern stone
age people to tell us what people believed 40,000 years
ago. Things do change over time. We do know some people
never had gods or goddesses. Some had their family dead
ancestors, some had local spirits.
So just because our present day Wiccan authors like to
speculate it does not stand up to much in real scholarship.
In fact one of the faults of modern day Wicca has been the
lack of scholarship. We are beginning to get Wiccans
interested and trained as scholars, but we have a lot of
Wicca myths that need to be researched and perhaps
recreated.
We do not as a whole look upon our gods and goddesses
as even historical Pagans did. Our view of the gods and
goddesses seems far more inspired by the Romantic
Movement that starts in the late 1700s with the beginning
of industrialization and more and more people living in towns.
As Christianity becomes dull and grim we start to see the
Pagans as somehow the opposite, more innocent or wiser.
Country people are no longer seen as hicks but as keepers of
ancient wisdom and of course nature got Bambized.
No one living in the boon docks would ever have such a
romanticized view of nature where nature kills as easily
as she nurtures. The balance ebbs and flows rather than
stays stable. If grass and other plants thrive then rodents
increase their birth rate until they eat vegetation too fast
then they starve and the plants have a chance to recover.
If rodents thrive then the predators increase until their
population gets too big and then they starve. And so it
goes right up to humans.
Were our ancestors easier on the environment, it depends
on when and where. Before Indians got the horse they ran
entire herds of Buffalo off cliffs and then only cut off the
favored parts and let the rest rot. Mammoths start
disappearing when the proto Indians arrive.
In England the great moors were once productive forest
lands. With only the stone implements early farming groups
managed to cut down the forests and over farm and turn
formally rich agricultural areas barren and nearly useless
areas that remain to this day. Hutton talks about the evidence
of that that shows up in Archeology.
The ancient Greeks were already destroying their rich land. What do
you think happened to the famous Cedars of Lebanon? Or Israel as
the land of Milk and Honey? All that was long before Modern day
civilization. Yes there were periods when man was not so destructive,
but as his population grew he had far more destructive affect
Should we study the Mayans who destroyed their own culture
and were hardly as peaceful as we liked to believe up until recently.
Our ancestors had all the destructive habits that we have, it was
only their lessor numbers that prevented them from destroying
the Earth at the speed that we do today.
Let us modern day Pagans not reinvent the fall of man and believe
in a false Eden. Best way for Earth to recover. A massive die off of
mankind as with any other population of plant or animal. Or just
perhaps we humans could try to evolve to have some wisdom that
mankind has not yet had.
But meanwhile, know that our extinction from this Earth will cause
the gods no more grief than the extinction of over 90% of all the life
that has ever existed on planet Earth. Creation is ongoing. The gods
can start over as they have done over and over in our Earth's history.
How often does our science tell us of vast extinctions of the past?
Blessed Be,
Christopher
No I do not believe that the God/desses or God are super nannies
that will save us from ourselves, or clean up after us. More likely
they will just suddenly change the rules and see if we can adjust.
Free choice includes our right to fail and die off. Of course we
could surprise them and change.
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