12:49am
Hey Chels,
What up! My weekend of trying to get as much typing done is coming to a close, as I'm going back to studying on Monday. I am going to do 2 hours of studying per day, then my goal is to type 30 pages a day. Or as much as I can get done. These next few days are going to be busy though. Tomorrow I have an eye doctor appointment because I haven't had my eyes checked in a very long time and then tomorrow night I have my writing group. So I need to make sure I have both my stories on my iPod so I can access them. Then Sunday I have a post thanksgiving dinner party that my mom and I go to every year. Then Monday I have a meeting for the vagina monologue play, then Wednesday I have my tarot group and I want to be a little bit farther than I am now. I also have to pay my car insurance, get a ticket to go see a band in March (a friend of mine that I met on the goddess retreat wants to see them so I said I would go with), and get my $50 money order. The good news is I'm almost done paying them and when I'm finally done with them I'm gonna see what else I can start paying off. I haven't gotten any notices for anything in a long time... Maybe they just gave up? Pfft yeah I'm not that lucky.
So... Here's what I've decided about Larry. I'm going to wait until he's in the mood to talk again (we talk almost everyday but since that flu shot and everything it hasn't been as flirty as normal) and if he talks about wanting to see me that's when I'll tell him. And explain to him that I'm not trying to give him an ultimatum or trap him into a situation he doesn't want to be in. But if we're going to continue to sleep together I would like to know where he wants this thing to go. Because as much as I would love to just have sex with him, I think I deserve better than that. I mean, if he doesn't want to be with me like that that's fine, we can go back to just being friends. I just want to know that whatever is happening with us is headed somewhere, you know? Honestly... I think we would make a great team. He is one of my best friends and I know that above all else he would just want me to be happy. I can just see us being together and it makes me happy because being with him feels right to me. We don't even have to be doing anything, I just love being around him. And I think we would be amazing together. Plus I know that he likes his freedom as much as I do so he wouldn't be up my butt all the time, although I've said this about Barry as well. But that relationship was doomed from the beginning. All I want from Larry is to know either way if he thinks it would be okay to talk about taking the next step, or just attempting to just be friends.
Aside from this though, I am enjoying being on my own. As much as I liked James, it's nice to be able to make plans with nobody else in mind but me. And I can just focus on things that make me happy and I don't have to hide myself from anyone or worry about them or make excuses. I haven't known freedom like this since before I started dating. If I could have told my younger self what to look out for, maybe I would have a different dating record. For one, I can't believe I dated Ryan Brennan. Your Ryan. To this day I just can't wrap my head around it. And then after him I dated a heroin addict. If someone told me that would happen I would say eff off. It's not that I'm snobbish or anything, I just never thought that kind of thing would ever happen to me. And then to date not only 1 but 3 alcoholics?!? In a row?? It's no wonder why I'm okay with being on my own. The next person I give my heart to, whether it be Larry or someone different, better be spectacular. And the moment it happens he better know what he's got when he has me and not let me go over something stupid.
Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep for now. I'm really exhausted and apparently I have a fun weekend ahead of me. I love you so much!!
Love,
Me
1:16am
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a poem from 7/20/2008:
a butterfly world
she woke in the morning
her old life was gone;
she started anew
each day is a new chance
to mess up, to make up, to live,
to explore new worlds
she dreamed of her journey
from a caterpillar, munching away on leaves and bark
to a cocoon of lies and deceit, blocking out all the good in the world
until she finally opened her eyes and emerged
a beautiful butterfly
ready to live again.
the end
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