1:01am
Hey Chels,
Ugh I am beyond annoyed right now. I didn't want to say anything to you or anyone in case things end up working out but let me just tell you. I am pissed. At James. Because he's basically been ignoring me the past couple of days. I am pretty sure he's helping out with this comic book store thing that has its grand opening tomorrow, but that's no excuse. I really needed him on Monday and I had to ask him twice if he had meant to call me because I never heard back from him at all. And then today I get two texts from him and I ask him when I can visit and I don't get an answer back so eventually I turn my phone off and go to the library for a bit and then come back and I have this voicemail from him so I call him back and leave a voicemail and he never calls me back. So just now I get this text from him asking me if I'm alive. At first I think of not answering him but then I do and say yes and then he asks me if we can hang out again and I say I'm not sure since I never heard back from him. So he sends me this text saying he answered me but I never got it so maybe he thought he sent one back but he never did. And I'm just... The reason why I'm so pissed isn't because he's not up my ass. I don't care about that. But he's gone 3 days with hardly speaking to me and then just acts like everything is okay. What fucking planet are you living on, buddy?? So tomorrow I'm taking a break from my phone and maybe Facebook too. I'm just shutting it off and he can go a full day without hearing from me at all and see how he likes it. I don't fucking care how busy someone is. When they're important to you, they make time for you. And I didn't get that at all this week. And now he's trying to be all cute and it's failing miserably. Ugh I feel terrible. I hate feeling like shit over some stupid guy. Believe me, he's gonna know how badly he fucked up. I don't give a shit what his excuse is. I really don't need to feel like I'm chasing someone when I have sent that person like 3-4 texts and haven't heard anything back. I feel like I'm being rejected and I hate that feeling, especially since I haven't done anything to deserve it. But I just need a day to regroup and then maybe by Thursday I will figure out if I still want to see him. It could be that he was just lost in a sea of comic books. But you know what? A little acknowledgment would be nice. A little "I'm sorry I haven't been around the past few days, this has been going on and next time if I am working on something and won't be talking much I'll say something instead of being an asshole and leaving you by yourself to feel like I don't want you anymore." I didn't even get a glimpse of that. Maybe he'll get it tomorrow when it's 7 at night and he hasn't heard one single peep out of me. That's how mad I am right now. I just want to hide from the world and be alone for one day.
I need to calm my ass down so I can fall asleep tonight. I'm gonna try to calm down and hopefully I will be able to fall asleep.
Love you,
Rita
1:21am
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Dream for 7/30/2012
I had the weirdest dream today. I dreamed that I was back at my support group and we were taking a test on where everyone came from. The map was blank and we had to fill out all the cities and write down the names. I had no idea where anything was so I kept trying to stall. I got sent down to someone's basement where the lights were completely off. The lady didn't turn the lights back on until we were almost to the table and there were a couple other girls there. We were trying to figure out a way to cheat but never got the opportunity so I just went back upstairs and turned in my pathetic paper.
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song #7: Glitter In The Air lyrics
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
(this is such an intimate act, the giving and receiving of trusting someone that much. Not only to be the giver, but to be the one being fed).
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
(I love this part. It's so fearless. It's like... She's asking if you've ever done anything just for the hell of it, so you don't have to feel like just a spec of dirt, you can be shiny and glittery and have people really look at you and be brave enough to look fear in the face.)
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn (it's not too late yet, you're only scratching the surface.)
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
(who hasn't felt this way? The thunder, which is what can actually scare some people, is actually less dangerous than lightning, which is actually dangerous and can actually kill you. As well as having something to say and having the courage for it to come out of your mouth. Gulp.)
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
(yes I have been very annoyed at myself for staring at the phone, especially when someone promised he would call and then blew me off. How much more alone can someone feel after that happens?)
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
(this is about kindness. Like, have you ever been treated so kindly that you had no choice but to show emotion? And looking people you don't know right square in the face is like inviting them into your life if even for a split second).
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
(it's still not too late. Sometimes it's the fear of things that causes us to make the decisions we make).
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
(yes, I have wished for a night that would never end. When there's a feeling you have that's so wonderful and beautiful that you don't want it to end, you always think about the future and its uncertainty can be scary. But, there's only one way to find out...)
This song is about taking chances. About not only following your heart, but sometimes the best things in life were things that we are afraid of. Whether it be saying how we actually feel, letting people inside, or letting go of a great feeling so you can enjoy more moments like it. One of my favorites :).
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