December 11th, 2012

December 11th, 2012
12:42am

Hey Chels,
I'm doing it again! I feel like I'm neglecting writing in the nb even though I can clearly see that I'm not because I do take time to write in it. Between working on getting the last 300 pages of the last nb done for you plus taking care of my dad and then figuring out my cookie situation for this weekend, I am tapped out. I think I'm going to make cookies for you, Beverly, Geoff, alex, and maybe Larry. He's helped me a lot this year and he's gone through a lot so he can have some cookies too lol. I already told you this but his godfather passed away on Saturday. I know he'll be okay but I lit a candle for him anyways. Apparently he was found dead and Larry still has no idea how he died so I think that's what prompted me to light a candle for the situation. I also just told you what was "happening" with us which is basically nothing right now. But honestly I'm okay with waiting. I'm not giving him any time frames or anything like that. I just don't have the energy to bring any other boys into the mix right now. And I'm doing fine on my own. I am going to have to talk to Mark though because it's been a while and no one has said anything. I feel like I need to put my big girl pants on and tell him that I just can't go on a date with someone I don't have romantic feelings for. I'll still be friends with him but he needs to respect that fact.
But in other news, my dad's appointment went okay. The doctor was concerned about how many meds he was on and wants my mom to come in so they can all have a discussion about what meds he really needs and which ones he can get off of. I personally have been saying this for years now, that he's on too many meds, but whatever. Modern medicine is great and all but he has like 16 different medications he's taking all at once. And to me, that's a lot.

Ugh, I'm so tired. My period is gone finally but still lingering and it's annoying me. But at least my boobs aren't hurting as much. Also... I just can't wait for this year to be over. I am so ready for next year. I know already that no matter what happens to me next year, it could not possibly be worse than what I've already been through. You know what I was thinking, though? I think it's funny that I was so upset by what Ryan was doing to you. I was making all these points that he was abusing you and you let him. And then you'd see me doing the same thing with Barry. Why didn't I ask him about the track marks when I first saw them? Why didn't I stand up for myself when it came to Sarah? And why did I just let myself be around all that filth? Why didn't I say anything when he started pulling away from me? And when shit got really bad, I was just so thankful to be getting any attention from him. It was like, the worse he was treating me, the more I just let him. It's no wonder why I freaked out on James and why I'm not in any hurry to have a boyfriend. I'm not saying that Larry would treat me that way, but it's a hard thing to bounce back from. And what does it say about me that I felt like I couldn't open my mouth? Did I feel like my feelings didn't count? It sure seemed like it.  The best thing I could have done for myself was kick him out of my life. And even if it doesn't end up working with you and Brian, you're better off without stupid Ryan fucking up your life. I'm glad you guys made up but I really hope that Brian starts talking soon because you wanted to move somewhere like Cali and he finally got you to be on board with Indiana and he's ruining it already. I just want some kind of explanation for this. I support whatever you choose as long as it makes you happy but you did not deserve being treated that way. I got that reaction from two different boyfriends... Neither situation turned out great.
All I'm saying is, he better apologize and not make it a habit. If it happens again.... I'm gonna have to kick his ass. I can't do much from here but I'm the one he wants to impress. I'm the best friend. And so far he was doing great until that point.

Anyhow, I think I'm going to shut my eyes for a minute. I'm really too tired to write and I want to see how early I can start tomorrow. I figured that if I did a chapter a day I could be done by Saturday. And I got a head start on chapter 2 already. I'm just going to type as much as I can every day. If I can get through a whole chapter in 2 days then when I've already started working on one I'm pretty sure I can get through it in less than a day. I gotta do as much as I can because I have to do tarot stuff on Wednesday plus take my dad to the pain clinic.

Love you!
Rita

1:11am