April 27th, 2012

11:44pm

Hey Chels,
What up?  Nothing much here.  Just thinking, as I usually am, about a boy :).  I asked him when we're going to see each other again and he said that we have to get together on a night he's not playing softball or afterwards depending on the time.  I didn't tell him I miss him or anything like that and I'm not going to push seeing him.  I'm just glad I finally got the courage to say something.  I could be wrong but I feel like he's being careful about how he talks to me, I think because he doesn't want to scare me away.  The core him is still there, though.  In the past I've never really embraced being single even though I always felt alone in my relationships.  I always thought "if I wasn't in THIS relationship then I'd be single."  And then I'd think about how great it would be to just be on my own.  But after Brian there was Ryan who didn't want to leave me alone.  I think that Barry really did care about me, but things just got so messed up after he got addicted to heroin.
So... yeah.  I still think about Larry pretty much all the time.  But I'm enjoying the freedom of how things are now.  I know he's there if I need him but I'm okay with just being me.  Tonight I actually took a bath (after cleaning the tub out first) and pampered myself for no particular reason.  Tomorrow i'm going to drive to Geneva and sit at the Starbucks and finish my book (maybe not, it depends on how I feel).  I'm just enjoying not being glued to my cell phone, either.  When I was with Barry I used to check my phone like a madwoman.  Now that people are leaving me alone I can turn my phone off and do my own thing.  I actually haven't been that way since living in Florida.  If I wasn't home by midnight Brian was on the phone calling or texting me.  But HE could be out till 4am no problem.  I do NOT miss those days at all.  I also don't miss the stupid fights I used to have with Ryan because he can't just come right out and say how he feels and then I'm the one apologizing.  And with Barry--I do not miss being left out of everything except when it was convenient for him.  He's not the one in power anymore because I chose to break up with HIM and I bet that bothers the fuck out of him.  That not only did I break up with him, I have banished him out of my life.  And as much as this kills me, I think I have to give up on Sarah, too.  She hasn't even said boo to me since he's been back and she really doesn't even want to hear the truth from me.  So... whatever. I should have known this would happen.  They've been friends for years and him sending her letters and IMing her proved that he still has her.  I'm not going to be there when the bottom falls out for her again.  I should have known she wouldn't be strong enough to be friends with both of us.  Ugh, I've had to say goodbye to so many people within such a short amount of time--it sucks.

But... I think it's for the better.  I found Barry's grampa's shoebox... I'm going to give it to her to give back to him.  I'm not sure where his mom lives and I sure as fuck am not going to drive over there.  It's bad enough going to the grocery store in that area and that's a public place.

I'm still a little peeved about geoff.  Oh, I'm not good enough to try a real relationship with but friends with benefits is okay.  This is why I could never be in a real relationship with him!  I know he didn't mean it like that, but from my point of view that's how I feel.  Because you know... sex is easy to get.  It's intimacy that's the tough part. Plus I'm pretty sure he'd fall in love with me which is so what I don't need right now.

4/28/2012
12:23am

April 26th, 2012

April 26th, 2012
11:17pm

Hey Chels,
Hey!  I would have written sooner but I've been sick.  I still am but getting better.  I think it was the extreme weather change plus allergies that did me in.  The only thing that really sucks is that I constantly feel like I have to sneeze.

So... you told Erica about Rich.  Well, didn't exactly TELL her but you told the truth when it came out.  I for one think it was a pretty shitty thing for him to admit to doing.  Like... who is this girlfriend of his that would continue dating him even though he openly admitted to cheating on his girlfriend with her best friend?  Sure, that sounds like someone I'd like to date.  Is he THAT good in bed?  Ugh.  But anyways...
Even though you could have said no but you didn't, it's not like it was your idea.  Honestly, only you know why you went through with it.  But I'm not here to judge you or try and "fix" you.  That was last year and you've been through a lot since then.  But even though Erica is a complete moron, the important thing is that you forgive yourself.  You have a man who loves you now and he doesn't care who you slept with before him.  All he cares about is you.  And I hate to even say this but people tend to do things in patterns so if he was cheating on someone with Erica and on Erica with you then he's prolly cheating on his new gf with her bff, too.  Just seems like he can't be trusted at all.

So anyway, even though I've been sick this week, it hasn't been so bad because I've been able to eat all my Door County leftovers this week.  I also went to my group on Monday and also learned that my ex got indicted.  Now, a court has 3 years to indict someone.  His full charge is "unlawful possession of a controlled substance," which I learned that under a gram can get you up to 3 years in jail.  Being indicted doesn't automatically mean a person is guilty.  It just means that it went before a grand jury (24 people, not just 12), and they all heard the evidence to charge him with a crime.  Now... in order for that to happen, a person has to be doing this crime for a while, not just once.  And according to Stephanie, he told her he had been selling for at least 2 months.  so the cops could very well have known that I was there and something very bad could have happened.  I am BEYOND thankful that nothing happened to me when I was over there.

Putting this all together in my head makes me thank God everyday for protecting me.  I distinctly remember sitting outside waiting for him feeling like I was at a stakeout because of all the time it took him to get ready.

The sad thing is, there's nothing I can do for Sarah.  She stopped talking to me the day he got out and she believes everything he is telling her.  I might just be paranoid but I have a feeling that she might think it's too hard to be friends with both of us and she might choose him over me.  Sad thing I already know he's just going to end up breaking her heart.  Yeah, he's been there for her in the past but she's never done this to anyone.  I get why she feels like she needs to stick by him but I feel like he knows she would and is using her.  He's already used at her house more than once and took money from her, I mean why would she believe that George was lying about the money when he took $100 from her?  Was Stephanie lying too?  Or me for that matter?  George may be a big fat stick in the mud but I really think that at the same time he was being truthful.  I just think he disappeared because he's a pussy that can't deal with confrontation.
The only thing I can really do though is just wait for the truth to come out.  It makes me sad but she was his friend first even though I gave her a chance when no one else would, but whatever.
I think it's smart for me to put up my walls whenever it comes to her, too.  Cuz who knows what she's going to believe and for all I know he probably is telling her not to trust me.

Meh... I'm so sick of all this crap.  It's making me so paranoid and I hate it.  I hope that the truth does come out so she can see for herself what a liar he truly is.  And with that, I've exhausted myself.

<3,
me

April 27th,
2012
12:00am

April 21st, 2012

April 21st, 2012
11:09pm

Dear Chels,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOE!  He would be 30 years old today.  It's so hard to believe he died 6 years ago at age 23 (2 months shy of his 24th b'day).  I feel like most of what I know about him is from him being my guardian, angel and different stories I've heard about him.  But still, I miss him just the same.  It sucks that I only met him twice in my life.  But I could only imagine what it's like for the people who knew him the best.  But also, I like having him around.  Especially in the past couple of months.  I feel like he's never left my side.  And not in a creepy way but in my darkest moments I have felt an incredible strength and peace and I know it's because he is there with me.  Well, that and God as well.  I honestly don't know where I'd be without my new church, my friends, my angels, and everything else that's gotten me through.

So anyways, where was I?  Oh yeah, so yesterday and today have been kind of quiet on the Larry sign front, but I don't really need it.  I'm just content sitting on this bed writing to you.  These past few days have been so much fun, it makes me want to turn my phone off everyday and only turn it on during designated times.

So, let's see... Thursday we got reflexology.

~BRB~

How can I describe Door County?  I'm not sure if I can, but I'm going to try.  Take everything you love about the beach.  Especially when you're all alone and it's just you, your spot, toes in the sand, staring out into the deep blue waters of the ocean.  You feel so small in that moment, you almost forget where you are in space and time.  You forget that you forgot to do the dishes or you have to go to work and face that bitch boss or that some stranger pissed you off.  You turn all those thoughts off because you're just you, sitting on the sand, listening to the waves crashing to the shore.  Watching this even changes your breathing, it starts to mimic the tempo of the crashing waves.

This is Door County.  Cell phone reception sucks ass so don't even think about using your phone here.  The roads are all twisty turny and no matter where you go there is beauty surrounding you.  The food is simply amazing because it's all locally made.  The views of Lake Michigan pull you in and you want to forget that you have another life you eventually have to get back to.

Yeah, I've worried a little bit about life back home but I haven't been able to turn away from the enormous beauty around here.  It makes me wish I could just move up here and stay away forever.  Maybe when I get my massage license, eventually I will.

Sorry about that.  I was writing about my trip and then i had to use the bathroom and while I was in there I got the idea that I didn't want to just write about what I did while I was here.  I wanted to capture a picture of what it's like.  I am going to try and pack now so I don't have to worry about it when I get home.

<3,
me

11:44pm

April 19th, 2012

April 19th, 2012
9:37pm

Hey Chels!
Greetings from Door County!  Eeeeeee I'm so freaking happy to finally be here.  Although it has been quite an adventure and it already feels so much later than 9:30.  Probably because I had like 1 hour of sleep, I think.  We got on the road about 4:30am and made it to Door County at like 8am I think or around there.  We couldn't check in till noon so we had some time to kill.  We had breakfast at the White Gull Inn and tried to do some shopping but most of the stores were closed so we could only shop in one store and the two ladies kept following us around.  After that we checked in, then got our reflexology done (which was AWESOME), then went back to the hotel to unpack.  Then we went swimming for a while, then dinner at a yummy mexican place, then home.  My room overlooks the lake and I'd be sitting by the water writing this to you if it weren't 35* outside and raining.  But it's still nice to be able to look outside and see the water.  Even though Monique got the bigger room, I think I got the better view plus the door to the dock is in my room.  She would have to go all the way out to the living room to sit on the deck.  But the hot tub is in her room.  So, I guess it's a fair trade.

So... I only turned my phone on once today and that was only to tell my mom I made it safe.  I'm about to turn it on again to see if she got my text but other than that, it's been completely off.  I tried turning my phone back on but it's roaming and I'm the one who has to pay for it so you know what, everyone can do without me until Sunday when I get home (or when I'm not roaming anymore).  I will call my mom tomorrow to see if she got my text and let her know the number to the room and give her Monique's # in case of an emergency.

So, something's been going on that's kind of strange but cool at the same time.  Larry and I kind of stopped texting (I stopped texting him and he never texted me).  I think the last time we really talked was Thursday (a week ago).  I texted him once on Sunday and that was IT!  But on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday AND today, things that remind me of him will follow me around.  Tonight when I got home (well, home here), the first time ever that I turned the TV on there was a blackhawks game on.  He is a huge blackhawks fan.  The Tv could have been turned onto any station and anything could have been on, but it was that game. I tried to go back to it later but it was gone and replaced with two more teams.

Yesterday Monique was driving and we passed a store called Ferguson (his last name).  I had never seen that store before in my life.

TIRED
-----

10:17pm

April 15th, 2012

April 15th, 2012
11:40pm

Hey Chels,
Omg what a day.  I FINALLY heard from Barry who just wanted his stuff back which is fine but then proceeded to tell me that George said a bunch of lies about me... I'm not even sure what he could have said considering I only met him like 3 times and he stopped talking to me after Valentine's Day which I guess he also did to Sarah and Stephanie as well.  But anyhow, Right as he was talking to me and disturbing my day, I got this text from Geoff asking if I wanted to go get sushi with him so I said yes.  After dinner I checked my phone and saw I had 15 unread messages from Barry.  I didn't read them till just a few minutes ago.  It was all about his stuff that I took without his concent and all of this other stuff.  I texted him and told him that I only took what I did so at least I'd know where it was and that it was safe and George did ask me but then mysteriously disappeared so we wouldn't even have to have this conversation if he had just answered me back (this is before I blacklisted him again).  He also said he wasn't anxious to talk to me that's why it took him so long to contact me.  I didn't answer that but in other words, he's a huge pussy.  But fine, finally that shit isn't in my house anymore and I can move on.

You know, I just did what I felt was right at the time.  And I really don't give a fuck what anyone has to say about me.  I know in my heart what's true and what isn't.  The way he sounded in his last letter it just seemed like he was on the right track.  But he doesn't get it. Nobody wants to believe a word he's saying right now because there are so many fabrications of the truth out there that he's just making things worse by spreading MORE lies.  If he was really serious about getting help, I think everyone would be a whole lot more understanding.  But this is just a mess of his own doing.  And it's going to be a while before anyone wants to even go near him.

But anyways... a couple of other things happened this weekend, also.  I got drunk-texted by Geoff and he asked if we could be friends with benefits and I had to turn him down (I was waiting for something like this to happen with either him or Mark).  I just said I can't sleep with someone who I'm just friends with.  Apparently the next day he apologized but I couldn't blame him for trying (lol).  I'm contemplating telling Larry about this but I'm not exactly sure what it would prove.  And my other thing is about Larry.  Yeah, I still like him.  But I'm not as frantic about our "relationship" and all that stuff.  He's still my buddy.  We talk almost everyday.  If I needed him he'd be there in a second.  But that's enough for me right now and I don't need reassurance 24/7 about how he's feeling or being up my ass.  I really let go this weekend and I feel so much better.  He knows he'd be a moron not to try again though, lol.

And also, the tattoo expo! Omg it was so much fun.  Geoff got a really awesome owl tattoo and I got a purple shirt (of course) and some cool custom stuff by Serana Rose.  I dunno if you've heard of the Enigma, who is this guy who covered his entire body with puzzle pieces.  He and Serana Rose are called the Show Devils and they do different stunts.  Serana is really cool.  She is very artistic and creates custom jewelry.  I got some sort of choker/necklace/hairpiece and a rhinestone bracelet that of course is too big for my wrist and too small to be an anklet.  I could, however, turn it into an anklet if I really wanted to.  It does fit higher up on my wrist, though.

Also... there were lots of people getting tattoos in all kinds of weird places but I didn't get one (still).

Okay--I have to finish a movie and then I'm doing some yoga and then my happy ass is going to bed.

<3,
me

12:18am
4/16/2012

April 13th, 2012

April 13th, 2012
8:13pm

Hey Chels,
How are you?  I'm doing okay even though I had kind of a crazy day.  My massage with Jim didn't go over so well.  He was trying to get up on the table and his legs locked up and he fell down.  He was pretty embarrassed about it.  His mother had to call 911 to get people to help him back up.  His family is trying to get him into this facility designated especially for people his age with disabilities but he doesn't want to go.  But today was a prime example of why he can't live with his parents anymore.  He needs to be in a place that is equipped with things to keep him mobile and his parents are unwilling to put anything in the house that would help.  And it's not that far away from his kids.  Everyone could change their schedules a little bit to help out.  But I get it.  He doesn't want anything to change.

Also, I had a strange dream about Larry today.  I dreamed that he had a girlfriend, but I didn't know about it until he was texting me and mentioning something he and his girlfriend were into.  At first I was mad and thought about yelling at him but decided against it and just started asking him questions.  All the while I was with a group and we were packing up to go somewhere but I was distracted because I was trying to talk to him but the letters weren't spelling the words I wanted to say and my group ended up leaving me behind.  All in all... kind of a sad dream.  I think a part of me is worried of a possibility that he could find someone else in the time it takes me to heal from all of this.  From what already happened between us though, it didn't seem like he was interested in anyone else and so far I haven't heard anything.  I think if we don't end up together it would be because he found someone else, not me.  Because I still want to hold out for the sweetest boy I've ever known.  It's not really because of me that we're not together now but if he's willing to wait for me, I can at least try again when I'm ready.
I'm not just interested in him as a boyfriend though.  I know that if I needed anything he'd be there for me in a second.  He is just a really sweet person and always someone I have been able to talk to.  Plus, back in the day, if he said something that could get me to laugh he'd say it over and over again.  He's always shown me that side to him that he never really showed anyone because he was always more comfortable around me than most anyone else.  I never remembered him as shy or quiet, he was always the guy with crazy stories to tell and relentlessly flirting with me (lol).  I'm guessing he still feels that way but it's hard to show that much of yourself when the other person is going through something rough and needs to be left alone for a while.  I also think it's hard to be around someone when all you want to do is touch that person and hold their hand or whatever. I'm not 100% sure but I think we could have a bit of that situation going on here.  At least, that's what I've been telling myself.  I know for a fact that if I hadn't of gone through what I just went through then if I wanted to date someone else I would be able to just go for it.  But I have to admit that even when we were talking ALL the time, everything that came out of his mouth was about sex and that's not really getting to know me, either.  But it got me through the first 6 weeks of the firey hell that I was in because it gave me something else to focus on.  But the main part of healing is an inside job.  I have to be 100% okay before moving onto something new.  I already knew that it wouldn't be fair to him to let him have one part of me but not all of me.  I just hope that when I'm ready for that again, it'll still be something that he wants.  And if it isn't then I hope he will at least be honest with me.

I'm feeling a lot better about leaving him alone, though.  I know he has to be thinking about me sometimes.  I'm most likely the last person he kissed and a lot more. So in the back of his mind he has to be thinking of that.

I'm gonna go back to my movie.  ugh I wish my computer worked!

<3,
me

9:02pm