Hey Chels,
What up? Nothing much here. Just thinking, as I usually am, about a boy :). I asked him when we're going to see each other again and he said that we have to get together on a night he's not playing softball or afterwards depending on the time. I didn't tell him I miss him or anything like that and I'm not going to push seeing him. I'm just glad I finally got the courage to say something. I could be wrong but I feel like he's being careful about how he talks to me, I think because he doesn't want to scare me away. The core him is still there, though. In the past I've never really embraced being single even though I always felt alone in my relationships. I always thought "if I wasn't in THIS relationship then I'd be single." And then I'd think about how great it would be to just be on my own. But after Brian there was Ryan who didn't want to leave me alone. I think that Barry really did care about me, but things just got so messed up after he got addicted to heroin.
So... yeah. I still think about Larry pretty much all the time. But I'm enjoying the freedom of how things are now. I know he's there if I need him but I'm okay with just being me. Tonight I actually took a bath (after cleaning the tub out first) and pampered myself for no particular reason. Tomorrow i'm going to drive to Geneva and sit at the Starbucks and finish my book (maybe not, it depends on how I feel). I'm just enjoying not being glued to my cell phone, either. When I was with Barry I used to check my phone like a madwoman. Now that people are leaving me alone I can turn my phone off and do my own thing. I actually haven't been that way since living in Florida. If I wasn't home by midnight Brian was on the phone calling or texting me. But HE could be out till 4am no problem. I do NOT miss those days at all. I also don't miss the stupid fights I used to have with Ryan because he can't just come right out and say how he feels and then I'm the one apologizing. And with Barry--I do not miss being left out of everything except when it was convenient for him. He's not the one in power anymore because I chose to break up with HIM and I bet that bothers the fuck out of him. That not only did I break up with him, I have banished him out of my life. And as much as this kills me, I think I have to give up on Sarah, too. She hasn't even said boo to me since he's been back and she really doesn't even want to hear the truth from me. So... whatever. I should have known this would happen. They've been friends for years and him sending her letters and IMing her proved that he still has her. I'm not going to be there when the bottom falls out for her again. I should have known she wouldn't be strong enough to be friends with both of us. Ugh, I've had to say goodbye to so many people within such a short amount of time--it sucks.
But... I think it's for the better. I found Barry's grampa's shoebox... I'm going to give it to her to give back to him. I'm not sure where his mom lives and I sure as fuck am not going to drive over there. It's bad enough going to the grocery store in that area and that's a public place.
I'm still a little peeved about geoff. Oh, I'm not good enough to try a real relationship with but friends with benefits is okay. This is why I could never be in a real relationship with him! I know he didn't mean it like that, but from my point of view that's how I feel. Because you know... sex is easy to get. It's intimacy that's the tough part. Plus I'm pretty sure he'd fall in love with me which is so what I don't need right now.
4/28/2012
12:23am
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