4/12/12

4/12/2012
2:50pm

What up?  Not much here.  Today I have to take my dad to the bank because my mom has to take a lein out on the house so she can get a loan to pay off her credit card bills.  I feel bad that I contributed to that a little bit but she's not blaming me.  I will still pay her back when I can.  I have a million other things to pay for first but maybe with this loan she won't need as much help.

So, yesterday I went to this drug forum thing.  People told stories about their children who died and a couple of cops talked.  Apparently Barry is looking at up to 3 years in jail for selling to an undercover cop--no that's possession.  I think delivery is up to 7 years.  He was on probation in Kane County but committed the crime that got him arrested in Cook. So, either way he's doing time somewhere.  I hope he does because I would feel better if there was some consequence for his actions and he was forced to tell the truth.  I know I'm not the judicial system, but after everything he put everyone in his family through, the least he could do is be honest.  But... it's not my problem anymore.  I still have to wait another month to find out what happens, though.
Something I am a little worried about though is how Sarah is holding up.  I haven't spoken to her since last Friday.

So, I am really enjoying this not worrying about anything thing.  Not having to worry about anyone else's feelings or figuring out my day according to anyone else is really nice.  I kind of forgot how to live that way.  It feels good to not be "owned" by anyone besides myself.  Man, this time next week I will be in Door County.  I can't freaking wait.  I think I'm gonna turn my texts off and just use my phone as a camera :).  Actually, that sounds like a really good idea.  Just so I can just "be" for a few days and not be glued to my cell phone except to take pictures.  I have another digital camera but I love the pictures my phone takes.

At any rate, I need to get going.

<3,
me

3:22pm

April 9th, 2012

April 9th, 2012
11:06pm

Hey Chels!
Wow what a crazy day.  On the one hand, I got my big tax refund check so not only do I get to enjoy myself on my DC trip, I get to get my car looked at and fixed up, which I am just SO thrilled about.  And on the other hand, seeing that Barry was in my town and he was so close to me sent me into a near panic.  I felt like a mad woman imagining scenarios in my head of him coming here and me telling him off and all of that.  I am just praying that doesn't happen because I don't want to hear whatever bullshit excuses he has to say for himself.

And I've come to a conclusion about Larry, too.  In the beginning he would just tell me all of these things that were so nice to hear.  Then we were together for a couple of weeks and now we just decided to be friends.  As much as I like him, I feel like I have to let go of him for right now.  I can't keep saying things to him and getting nothing back.  I mention that I miss him and I don't hear anything back.  He doesn't even say good morning to me.  I have to be the one to say something.  And he doesn't even talk to me on facebook chat anymore. I don't necessarily fel like it's anything against me but at the same time I'm wondering why he's not saying those things anymore.  But in my heart I know it's because he doesn't want to put his heart into something when I'm still going through all of this.  I just want to see him again and hopefuly we can have a conversation about it.  But I'm just resigned to the idea that now's not the best time for romantic intentions.  I'm not letting go of my feelings for him.  But if he wants me he's going to have to show me.  I think one day soon I will ask if he remembers what he said and if he still meant it.  But I don't even know what that answer would prove considering I'm not ready for anything and we both know that.  Like I said, I can't wait until my vacation.  I am most likely going to turn my phone off most of the time unless I want to take some pictures but that's what my digital camera is for.  I just want to get away and clear my head.  Seriously I don't even know why I'm even worried about another guy right now.
Once I know for sure what to expect from Barry (if he's going to be out or in jail for a while) I'll feel a lot better.  I'm okay with whatever as long as I KNOW for sure.

I told him I would never date another addict.  The second he put that needle in his arm, he became one.  And then to say that I knew he was using?  It's like such a huge slap in the face.  He would sit there and listen to me talk about my exes and he just sat there and said nothing because if he did he knew it was over.  And then people would know because they would ask what happened and I sure as FUCK am not going to cover for him.  Just like when Brian attacked me.  I didn't cover for him, either.  I covered for him too many times.

I'm gonna take the next couple of months and just focus on myself (mostly what I've been doing).  I'm just going to let things run their course and not worry about what "should" or "shouldn't" be happening.  I'm not ready for a relationship so I shouldn't even be acting like I need to hear certain things because right now it doesn't even matter.  Even if he (Larry) did still like me, he couldn't do anything about those feelings right now anyway so it's kind of mean for me to expect him to be all up my butt right now.
I also know that if I just wait a bit, all will be revealed anyways. So... this is me NOT worrying about it anymore.

<3,
me

12:04am
4/10/12

April 7th, 2012

April 7th, 2012
12:48pm

Hey Chels,
Before I forget--there have been lots of babies being born right now and lots of my friends are pregnant.  So... I'm making a list of just born babies and babies that are due soon :). ~~~~> (Next page):

{baby stuff}

I couldn't find all the info on the all the babies but that is a comprehensive list of everyone I know who either just gave birth or is pregnant as of this year/late last year.

Anywho... today is so beautiful.  The past few weeks have been sunny yet on the cold side, but not today.  I might go for a walk just to be out.  Then church, then I'm going to see a movie with Geoff (American Reunion).

SO... not only is my ex a liar, he's an evil snake, too.  I just can't believe he would include me in his lies, although that IS addict behavior.  I kept feeling like there was something he was trying to tell me, but I think I would have remembered him telling me something like this.  Especially since I asked a few times what those marks on his arms were and he told me different things each time.  Of course, he doesn't know that Sarah and I talk now and have become friends and hang out.  I guess he didn't have much luck with me because I called him out on his shit so he's bugging her.  I know she believes me because she even said I wouldn't be as torn up as I was and she saw the pain in my eyes.  She knows I had no idea. Why would he even admit to one thing if he's still gonna lie about everything else?

It is true that Korey did warn me about him.  But he never mentioned anything about a history with heroin.  If he had, maybe I would have decided differently.  I know that both of them have tried heroin at different points in their lives, but still.... if Korey was so concerned about Barry he could have said something.  I think it's funny that he was so willing to overlook his illness but so quick to judge me.  Why should I listen to anything he has to tell me now since I've seen for myself what he's willing to share.  He was (and still is) too willing to rely on someone else for his own success than just take care of himself.  He will be 30 this year and he has a child to take care of now.  He needs to step up and take care of his own shit.  Me, I'm different.  I didn't need Barry for anything besides emotional support and that shit went out the window so I would be willing to be on my own rather than waste time and energy on someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about me.  Even if I would have given him another chance, there's no guarantee he wouldn't have said the same thing about me.  Of course I didn't know!
It took everything in me not to drive over to his mom's house and bitch him out.  I wouldn't be surprised if that's what he wanted me to do.  I did manage to hang out with my buddy Mark yesterday though.  We had lunch and then bowling.  And tonight I'm going to see a movie with Geoff.  :D.

Eek I just checked and he has his phone on him cuz the google latitude says he's in Streamwood. I sure do hope he's just out for the weekend and will be going back on Monday and also that he's on house arrest so he can't go anywhere.  I don't think he'd show up here, but the fact that he has his phone is making me a little uncomfortable.  I forgot to block his number when I deleted it.  I also just really hope he just leaves me alone.  It's weird seeing where he is now after he's been gone for so long.  But I didn't get rid of this for a reason even though I did block him from everything else--to see where he is.  But i'm hiding from him so he can't see me.  I do have some of his stuff though.

So... something sort of strange happened yesterday.  I told Larry about what happened and I could tell something was wrong.  I had this thought later that (I'm not saying this is what it is, just what I think it could be) maybe Larry is afraid that I'm going to go back to him after he's out for good.  I mean, sometimes people have things happen to them but then they have a change of heart and decide to go back.  I get that but I would be happiest if Barry just decided to cut me out of his vocabulary.  I think maybe Larry could be worried about the same thing I was worried about when I first got together with Barry--that he's my rebound.  That's another reason why I don't mind going slow--because I don't want that to happen either.

Well my dear, it's almost 3pm.  I want to go for a walk before church.

<3,
me

2:55pm

April 4th, 2012

April 4th, 2012
12:14pm

Hey Chels!
How are you doing?  I hope you are feeling somewhat better today.  I miss talking to you everyday but I'm so glad that we got past that little rough patch.  I wasn't exactly TRYING to tell you what to do.  It's just that you had told me what happened with Ryan right AFTER all that shit happened with Barry so the timing wasn't right at all.  But... what's done is done and I am sure as hell not going to give up on us after everything we have been through together.  It is painfully clear that we BELONG in each other's lives.  You are my soulmate :).  Not in a lesbian kind of way but in a best friend kind of way.

Anywho so... I guess Barry did get my letter.  I know this because I hung out with Sarah on Monday and she let me read his note. I told him where Killer was and he wrote that he was with someone he trusted (kind of ironic considering no one trusts him anymore).  He also seems to think that he might be out by April 30th, which is his next court date.  You know, I feel like he's just screwing himself more and more.  If he pleaded guilty he could have gotten help to cope with life (obviously if he didn't need help he wouldn't have gone down that road to begin with) and he's not being honest with anyone (besides that joke of a letter he wrote me) about what actually happened.  Anyone who was looking could have seen what was going on.  I think people wouldn't be so judgmental if he was honest and said, "yes, I did use.  It was a mistake and I'm sorry for hurting everyone. But this is what I plan on doing about it."  Sarah wants to see him in jail and I told her I would take her but please don't tell him that I'm there. I'm not sure if that's actually going to happen but.. she wants to see if he will be honest with her.  I did tell her that if she chooses to be friends with him still I wouldn't be mad or stop being friends with her.  That's her own decision.  She said that she will decide based on what he says, if he confesses to using or not.
I think it's kind of fucked up that this whole time he had been telling me not to trust her, that she's too flakey to be friends with and all of this other stuff.  and first he's telling me that she cheated on him even though they were never official, then 6 months later he's talking like he thinks of her as a little sister.  Okay... someone please explain that to me because he started things with me long before he was even over her.  So I have no idea when he managed to break things off with her, start something new with me, and then get over her without even breaking a sweat.  And I remember that whole time thinking to myself that he could just go back to her whenever he wanted.  And I wasn't even trying to call him my boyfriend.  He just assumed I thought we were together and didn't say anything about it.  cuz why would he when he's getting free sex?  ugh that is such a pigish thing to do. And then today his cousin Stephanie tells me that her gramma passed away.  She has altheimer's disease and had been in a nursing home for 5 years. Barry's grampa died in the summer of 2010 but I couldn't even be there for him cuz that's when he was ignoring me and being up Sarah's ass all the time.  And now, BOTH he AND Chris won't be able to go because they're both in jail.  It just astounds me how some people can be SO selfish.

Things with Larry have gotten a little better.  We actually talked some stuff out and I FINALLY got to say things that have been on my mind for weeks now.  Just that even though the timing may have been off, I don't feel like what we did was a mistake and he said he felt the same way.  We're still just friends right now but it felt good to say things.  I also told him that no one else besides him has ever given me space before.  I thought my last boyfriend did but looking back on it, that's not how things happened.  We basically slept together until someone else asked if we were together.  I'm not sure what that's called but it sure as FUCK is not space.  So, Larry said he just didn't want to lose me and I said he wouldn't as long as he was always honest with me.  So... we'll see.

It's funny, I have noticed that the only boys I'm talking to even on a friendship level (Larry, Mark, Geoff, and Steve) are boys I've known for a VERY long time.  Everytime I even meet a new guy or just see a cute one walking down the street I get a little panicky.  I just don't want anything to do with any guy that I don't know right now.  And that may be closing myself off to any new possibility but frankly I really don't give a shit.  I'm not really worried about meeting anyone new right now, anyway.  I even told Larry that the only reason why I believe anything he's telling me is because I've known him for like... 13 years.  Granted we didn't keep in touch after high school but I can tell he is still the same person so I know that I always have a friend in him regardless of what else happens between us.

Alright my dear, I need to get going for now.  I love you and I'm so glad you got my stuff!

<3,
Rita bo Bita

1:10pm

March 27th, 2012

March 27th, 2012
7:52pm

Hey Chels,
Well, I got through 30 pages!  Only took 2 days.  I'm gonna start my next 30 tonight and see if I can knock off some pages so I don't have as much to do tomorrow.  I think I'm going to keep making these journals into books so we can both have copies (and will do for you too if you'd like).

So... I talked to Larry a bit today and told him that I missed him.  Not like "that" but just missed being around him.  He didn't say it back but I wasn't really expecting that.  I'm glad that he's letting me say what I need to right now.  Although he leaves me alone a lot.  I dunno... I feel like I want to ask him if he still feels the same way he did about a month ago, but I'm not sure what that would prove.  Honestly, I don't know why I'm still worrying about it because I'm still not ready for anything other than friendship. I guess I just want to know if what he told me was true or if he was just trying to cheer me up.  But I guess no matter what, I will find out eventually.  I don't feel like right now is the right time to ask, either because I don't want him to have to be confronted with feelings that he might not be ready for right now.

I was reading about my relationship with Barry and omg that shit was complicated.  Him getting pissed at me over a stupid comment then acting like I was crazy for being uncomfortable in Korey's house and then not even kissing me before he left?!?  And then to tell me he loves me via TEXT MESSAGE?  umm... I dunno what I really expected.  To be honest, the whole thing sounds kind of fucked up.  I mean, he had JUST ended things with Sarah and was still pissed at her when we started talking again.  I was so worried about HIS feelings and all this time he expected ME not to lie or cheat or act differently because he told me he loved me, when he did EXACTLY those things.  And then a LOT more.  I should be thankful that anyone with romantic intentions for me is giving me any kind of space right now, and enjoy that space while I can.  I think that if Larry is going to change his mind and not wait for me, then he is really missing out and he knows it.  I think the best thing to do is give him some real space so I can give MYSELF space.  At least this time, the wondering part is on a curious/want to know basis instead of an urgent/need to know basis.  I don't feel like if I leave him alone I'll lose him.  With Barry it was like... it was so important for me to get him to trust me and I was always worried about where I stood, even when we were just friends.  It was like he saw me as bait or something and he knew exactly how to play things.  He was just extremely hard to read and I could never tell if he liked me or not.
But in the end I guess he didn't because I wouldn't treat ANYONE that I liked with such utter disrespect.

8:27pm

March 25th, 2012

March 25th, 2012
1:34pm

~hey chels~
Sorry about the last entry.  I was distracted and didn't feel like writing anymore.  About the Twilight stuff... I have surpassed all the info I've managed to copy already so I'm going to have to take the book out again and copy some more stuff out of it.  I'm also going to start back at one so my hand doesn't fall off while writing in here.

So... I am now a member of Holy Trinity Luthern Church in Elgin.  I am so happy that I finally belong to a church again.  Although one day I would like to go back to my old church just to see how much it's changed.  But I don't really want to see anyone, much less talk to them.  :/.

OOh... I started typing up the book again -- I feel so accomplished.  I'm gonna try and do 30 pages today.  That way it won't take forever.  Because I do about 10 pages and then I'm done and I can't sit on this book forever.

I have a question.  Is it possible to like someone and just be friends with them?  I'm not sure how that works. I mean, there are things I miss that I really wish I had right now (a snuggle partner, mostly) but if we are meant for each other we will find our way back.  I am just so thankful for the break.  No one has ever given it to me before they just all have expected me to be ready.  Well fuck that.  I hope I talk to him soon though.  He is supposed to get back from camping sometime this weekend.  I am proud of myself that I left him alone the whole time.  :).  I realize now that I really did need time to myself to heal and I can't do that with someone wanting my attention all the time.  Although I never felt like he was pushing me, I did feel like it was a bit much and I don't need another relationship now.  I just wish I could tell him that it wasn't just about sex with me, either.  It may have started out that way (since I really wasn't interested in anything else) but even that wouldn't have happened if I didn't already know him.  But when we were together I could just feel how much he cared about me and I could see where he would be freaking out because he knows how my last relationship ended.  I would freak out too if I was afraid to hurt someone who was still so fragile.  I just love so much that I could ask him what was wrong and have him tell me, and that has really been a blessing for me because I was worried about the same things.  The only thing I do wish is that he could have said something to me instead of making me freak out for a whole week, that was not fun.  But... at least he was honest and wasn't hiding a completely different secret.

As for me--I am doing better.  I can't believe it has been 7 weeks--I feel like I've been dealing with this for so much longer than that.  But... I'm accumulating a playlist to get me through this.

1)Katy Perry--part of me
2)Alanis Morissette--not as we
3)Kelly Clarkson--stronger
4)Christina Aguilera--fighter

These are my go to songs right now but I'm sure there will be more.

<3,
me

2:07pm

March 23rd, 2012

March 23rd, 2012
4:02pm

~hey Chels~
So... yeah.  I'm not really sure what to write about, just thought I felt like writing.  So, you have had a boyfriend for almost a week now (officially).  I think the last time you had a real boyfriend it was David.  I know there was Austin but he was way younger than you and you didn't sound too thrilled about it.  Then there were a bunch of guys who you were with and then Ryan.  I am SO GLAD that you finally got rid of him.  Romantically speaking, anyway.  And now you have finally found someone who you don't want to run away from, and I think that this is the first time ever that even *I* approve.  Lol.  I hope I get to meet him.

Larry is camping tonight and tomorrow.  I'm gonna miss him.  I know we're supposed to be just friends right now but I hope I still get to go with him one day because it did sound like fun.

4:34pm

March 20th, 2012

March 20th, 2012
6:53pm

~Chelsea~
Woot woot it's the 1st day of spring!  Oh and I guess I wasn't finished writing that story, but oh well.  It is so weird to see all the trees sprouting green leaves already and there's so many flowers.  usually by this time it's still cold and it takes forever to warm up.

So... I decided I had to talk to Larry today.  I didn't really want to do it over text message because of how he had been acting but he wasn't up for seeing me tonight so I told him it wasn't a big deal, I just had some stuff I needed to talk about with him and he asked what was it so I just asked if he was changing his mind already and he said that he had some doubts but he didn't know if they were all in his head or what.  So we just talked about a lot of things.  I do like him but I don't want to ruin things by moving too fast and he basically said the same thing.  I'm glad that I found the courage to speak up because I was still be freaking out over it.  I just couldn't get it out of my head that something was different and it was after the last time we slept together which was a week ago today.  Something in me just clicked and I realized how much of a special person he is.  I mean I knew that before but there was just something about the way he was with me.  But then I guess he started to worry that what I was feeling might not be real because of how my last relationship ended.  And he was also worried that our relationship might have just ended up being about sex which would have been bad.  I mean, that's not what I want.  I basically told him in the beginning that it would be easier to get into my pants than my heart right now.  But it's not like I picked some guy at random.  I had known this kid since high school and even though we hadn't spoken since I left (graduated), I still thought about him  and he was essentially the same person that I knew before.  So I knew that I would be safe.  I think that at the time it's what I needed but now that things were starting to happen I think reality hit both of us which is completely fine.  I'm just so happy and proud of myself that I had the courage to ask.
And I guess Monique was right when she told me that we would stop for a bit and then go again.  This gives me some time to be on my own, too, and sort through my own feelings.  Any other guy would have kept his mouth shut to keep the sex going or would have told me I was crazy and I had no right to worry about that stuff yet.  The thing about me is that I will do just fine on my own, I know that much.  Even when I was with someone, I felt like I was alone because I still didn't have someone I could be honest with.  Barry maybe but only for a teeny tiny bit.  I just wanted to know either way so I knew what to expect.  I'm not gonna be mad or hold it again someone if he doesn't want to be with me.  But I don't deserve to get dicked around.  I deserve someone who will at least be straight up with me no matter what the answer is.  Will I get that?  I have no idea, but at least I'm finally being honest with myself and not letting a man's romantic intentions sway my decisions.  It's tough but... I value honesty over anything else.

Wow... so this time last year Barry and I were just figuring things out and this year his court date is the 22nd.  Oh--and on this day in 2004 I met you and Brian in person!  Wow... crazy.  Alright, I need to go.  I iz hungraaaaaay.

<3,
me

7:33pm

March 16th, 2012

March 16th, 2012
10:51am

Hey Chels,
Holy shit it has been 10 whole days since I've written in here!  I need to step up my game like majorly, or else this will never get finished.  And I don't even know how much of the Twlight stuff I owe you considering I totally forgot about it until just now.  wow...8!  Meh.  Will fix that later.
So, how are you doing?  I feel like I don't know anything about your life right now so I hope you are at least writing in the nb still so that I can see what I missed.  So... since writing my last entry I can tell you that things with Larry and I have gotten more... physical.  Twice now and we got caught making out once lol.  The first time was on the 6th.  I wasn't really expecting all of THAT to happen but I'm glad that I did because it was perfect.  Not so much the physical stuff (he has a strange backseat and it was sex in a car, lol) but like... I just felt like I haven't felt in a long time.  That's when I left my debit card in his car because it was in my jeans pocket and it fell out while my parents were being removed.  So Thursday I was out with Monique all day getting ready for this new moon -- no full moon -- circle (that people actually came to!) and I didn't get home until after midnight.  I get home and get ready for bed when Larry keeps bugging me that he wants a goodnight kiss.  I meet him at the high school and we're kissing and he asks me why I'm not wearing much and I said I was getting ready for bed when he texted me.  And then I made the mistake of telling him I didn't have any underpants on (because I don't sleep in my undies) and he started trying to get my pants off but it didn't work.  Mind you--none of this was in a forceful way.  I did tell him later that if he had tried being forceful it wouldn't have gone over so well.  But I know in my heart he wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt me.  But anyways, he kept bargaining for extra time and he was getting harder to push off and suddenly a cop came and after that he had to take me home.  Even though we got interrupted I still feel as if someone was looking out for me.  Because I just left, it was after 1am and my dad was still awake.  But I knew he'd be waiting up for me and if I took too long he would wonder where in the hell I went.  And as much as I didn't want to resist, I felt like I had to.

So, the next time we were together it was Tuesday, the 13th.  Which was another day that I was with Monique and it also happened to be my cousin Maddy's 16th birthday.  Monique and I went to this park to do some magick.  We had a lot to ask for so we did Runes.  I felt like my cyst was coming back and I wanted to ask that no men with romantic intentions who have addictions come near me.

11:20am

march 6th, 2012

March 6th, 2012
4:37pm

"young girl, don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall..."
For some reason that song just popped into my head :). So anyway, I know I said I'd write in here every day but absolutely nothing of consequence happened, until last night.  Larry invited me to hang out with him at this bowling alley that's right by my house, so we hung out for a while until it was time for me to go home (I had to get my dad something to eat because my mom was going to be late).  So, he walked me to my car.  I knew the kiss was coming because we had talked about it and we both decided it would happen the next time we saw each other.  But then things started to escalate a little bit.  It wasn't bad or anything like that, just turned into a little bit more than just a kiss lol.  I'm not trying to get a new man like tomorrow or anything but I think he will be a keeper :).  My heart is still majorly guarded though.

It was weird kissing him at first because I had enjoyed kissing Barry so much.  He wasn't bad or anything, just different.  After a while thought I almost forgot where I was except it was insanely cold out so we were both shivering.  That and it was a parking lot so even though there was no one there at the time, there very well could have been.

Meh I am so exhausted.  I didn't sleep one bit last night.

<3,
me

5:06pm

March 4th, 2012

March 4th, 2012
1:48pm

Hey Chels,
Wow it's been 2 whole weeks since I've written in here.  I don't even know if you've been writing in yours but I already have so much I need to get finished and I don't want it taking forever so I guess the only way to do that is to write a little bit every day until I'm done.  I'm sorry about "yelling" at you in here the last time I wrote in here.  I didn't realize you were going through so many different things.  From what I can gather on your facebook it doesn't seem like you're hiding but I feel like you're hiding from me.  One minute you were so happy that I wasn't shutting YOU out, and now all of a sudden I feel like that's what you're doing to me.  Only thing I can't figure out though is why.  Aside from getting pissed about that whole Ryan thing.  I can't figure out why you would stop talking to me right now.  But I guess, I mean I hope, that in time all will be revealed.  I just think it's kinda stupid that I am going through a crisis right now and you're taking space from me but not from any of your other friends as far as I can tell.  I'm not going to push you to talk to me (because I know that won't work at all) but I will expect some answers at some point here.

On another note, the past couple weeks have been going okay.  I am really loving that support group.  It has already helped me gain so much insight into this world I had no idea I'd have to worry about.  I still feel like I made the right choice for me.  It's weird though, as angry as I am at him right now, I am still willing to explain myself to him.  Because as much as he hurt me, in order to fully move on I have to tell him everything.  He doesn't really deserve it, but I do.  That second letter was so hard to read and at certain points I was actually screaming at the pages.  He fully admitted to doing heroin.  Apparently I am the only person he has admitted this to and he doesn't know that I talk to Sarah or Stephanie so he doesn't know I know what he's been telling his parents.  He didn't even admit anything in his letter to Sarah.  He's known her since 2004 and he's not going to at least tell HER the truth?  Fuck that.  In a weird way I had been looking forward to his letters.  I started to envision long heartfelt letters filled with secrets he'd only tell me and I began imagining what I'd write back and maybe my compassion and understanding would help his recovery.  ::rolls eyes::.  That feeling only lasted a few hours until reality set in.  The heroin was bad enough but now... although I don't really want to know the answer (or his version of it anyway), I still feel like I have to ask if he paid for blowjobs.  Just from what both Korey and George told me, plus all the condoms I found and the OTC viagras... it just seems to weird for it to be normal.  The condoms looked like they had just been bought and I know that we had not been having sex so... I'm not sure why there would be a full box ready to use when I know for sure he wasn't using them with me.  He still claims he didn't take the pictures I found of Chris and that skank, but what about the video? I know for a fact it wasn't mounted because I watched it and it moved.  Thank God it wasn't that long but I'm still digusted by what I saw.  Just the fact that he let that happen on a bed I slept on is enough for me to want to burn my skin off.  And I told him that when I wrote him back.  That there was also a video which I watched and clearly someone else was there holding the camera because it moved.  So... if that wasn't him then someone else was in his apartment messing with his camera and watching Chris fool around with some girl on his bed and taking video of it. Yet he didn't think it was yucky enough to delete.  Or at least get mad that someone used his camera to film Chris.  I'm sorry, does he think I was born yesterday?  He may not have thought of it in the way I did but that's my whole point--he didn't think about how I would feel.  when he started pushing me away, when he left gross pictures on his camera and when he started using heroin.  VERY selfish and VERY self absorbed.  All that was bad enough but factor in everything else and it's a wonder I haven't gone over there to bitch his ass out in person yet.  But I'm not gonna waste my precious time yelling at someone who is already in jail.

Alright--I would love to continue this but I need to spend some time cleaning my room because it's gross.

<3,
me

2:48pm

February 19th, 2012

February 19th, 2012
11:57am

Hey Chels,
I'm a little pissed that you won't talk to me right now, especially with what I'm going through, but whatever.  Honestly, I don't understand why it's so hard for you to understand that if Ryan is going to use in front of you, he could really care less about his own safety, much less yours.  Or give a shit about you at all if he's buying drugs with your money, money that could have gone to something else.  It's not even like you have that much.  At least in my case I had no idea what Barry was using and the second I found that out I made the decision to cut him out of my life (it's a little easier now because he's in jail).  But I am shocked that you would put yourself in that position.  If he gets arrested and you are with him, it doesn't matter what you say to the police--your ass is getting in trouble, too.  Or what if he OD's on your watch and you were there watching him put stuff in his body and didn't do anything to stop him. What would you tell him family that you claim to love so much?  If you really loved him you wouldn't enable this behavior and if he loved you he wouldn't want you anywhere near this life.  And no, I'm not saying this stuff to you because of what I'm going through.  I'm saying it because I DO care love you and unlike him, I give a shit about your well-being.  I just hope it doesn't take something like jail or OD'ing to get you to care about your own well-being, also.

Okay--now that THAT'S out of the way... I can't be friends with Korey anymore.  He basically said that he needed Barry so he'd feed his heroin addiction if he had to when he got out of jail and he doesn't believe that it really was heroin and that Barry knew what he was doing, etc.  He just "doesn't get" why Barry would do the things he did and I think he's looking for something a little more complicated than HE IS AN ADDICT!  Jeez.  And then he started laying into me about how I went out with Barry out of spite, because Korey told me to stay away because Barry was HIS friend, not mine.  Please.  If I was that calculating I would have just slept with Barry the second Korey told me not to and wouldn't have spoken to either one of them again.  But no.  I blocked Korey from my facebook and then he started calling over and over but I turned my phone off for a while.  Fuck both of them--they can have each other.  And Korey wonders why George won't hire him.  If Korey really gave a shit about his daughter, he would be looking for a job anywhere and everywhere.  He would be a barista at Starbucks or a garbage man or something.  But no.  He's willing to hold his breath until Barry gets out of jail so they can continue what they were gonna do--steal all of George's biggest clients.  I am so done with both of them.

On another note, I think I might have found my next boyfriend, when I'm ready for one.  I dunno... it's just nice to have someone that tells me nice things and actually has a real conversation with me and who I've known forever and is the same person he always was.  I don't really want to say much about it because my last bf was all those things in the beginning, too.  Even though I know that one is not the other, I'm just going to have to see for myself.

~~laying down again~~
<3,
me

12:31pm

February 16th, 2012

February 16th, 2012
10:49am

Hey Chels,
I'm sorry I haven't been writing so much.  I've just been keeping myself busy.  My cousin's was very fun.  We didn't talk about what happened, just mainly focused on having a good time which is what I needed.  I ended up going over to Sarah's for a while and then Geoff's and then home.  Sarah was still planning on going to see Barry but she wasn't going by herself.  George went with her.  I haven't spoken to her since then so I don't know how it went but I don't really want to know.  And I guess Sonny (her man) got pissed because I told her that I didn't think Barry was over her and she said she was worried about that, too.  The real story was that they tried it out (dating) but decided they were better off as friends so who knows how much of that "cheating" story is actually true.  He may have just gotten his feelings hurt and then moved onto me and realized how things really were with her.  But that's just a tiny window of what the real truth was, which is something I may never know.  But that's not as important as all the things I know that really are true.  I can't fill my head with anything other than what I already know.  I'm glad that I went over there and also glad that I went over to Geoff's.  He and his mom were both there and they let me cry and talk and all of that.  Geoff's mom was telling me not to talk to Korey or George again and to change my number but I'm not sure if I want to do that just yet.  But if I do change it I'm going to have to tell George not to say anything to Barry except like, "dude she changed her number and even I don't know what it is."  Apparently Barry doesn't believe that I'm done, either.  After he put me through all this shit even BEFORE he got arrested and letting me unknowingly be a part of all of this just makes me want to rip his head off and dribble it like a basketball.

I was with Monique on Tuesday (she drove me to Planned Parenthood) and we did this communication spell so that I could say whatever it was that I needed to.  As soon as we started it, I noticed 2 missed calls from George (this wasn't until later when I checked my phone) and a text telling me not to listen to my voicemail.  I did anyways and I heard some mumbled stuff and then, "it would be really nice to hear your voice."  I'm sure it would, asshole.  Even if he did manage to convince me that he wasn't using (which is a crock of shit considering all the signs were there), he still put me in a really shitty position and I don't even know how many times there was drugs in my car which pisses me off even more.  And he's acting like all of this would be okay with me.  Fuck him, he can rot in that jail cell for all I care.  For months I've been so worried about him and everytime I would open my heart it would get crushed.  Oh and if he was using in July that means that the first "I love you" was also a lie.  Because that happened on August 6th.  He was already having some withdrawl symptoms because a couple of days before I had left him with some water and didn't understand why he got so mad or why he wouldn't tell me exactly what he needed.  Because it wasn't water or air conditioning.  And how convenient to need my help right AFTER I leave and then make me feel guilty for doing that.  And then tell me you love me a couple days later.  Every time he has said that to me it's been a lie.  That's like a punch in the gut.  You don't do this to people you love.  You just don't.

Okay so ANYWAY--Monday I went to a support group.  When it was my turn to talk I don't know how I even got through it, but somehow I did.  Everyone else was either a parent or relative and I was the only young one.  But it felt good to talk.  I never realized how much of an epidemic heroin really is. I never thought I would have to worry about it.  Barry probably even smoked it in front of me when I thought it was just weed.  That's just a random thought going through my head right now.
Ugh sorry--every time I have a thought it gets deflected and then I go on a tingent about stupid Shithead and waste more energy on that.  I know you don't care, but I do.

11:42am

February 11th, 2012

February 11th, 2012
3:05pm

Hey Chels,
Woot woot! Today is Breaking Dawn pt 1 on dvd day!  When I get my next paycheck I'm gonna get that for you with your Valentine's Day card.  :).  Ugh... I didn't get to finish what I wanted to on Massageprep.com... again.  But oh well.  I'll just get it again.  Ugh.

So... I am still feeling really exhausted but last night I fell asleep and didn't wake up till this morning. So, that's progress.  I had a long talk with George yesterday and he said that he couldn't believe that I even wanted to hang out with Barry much less anything else because he had hygiene problems but I said that he always cleaned up for me.  Sometimes if I had gone over there and he hadn't showered yet, he would only give me a quick kiss until he took one and then we'd snuggle.  So in the beginning when Korey had told me about the dirtiness, I didn't believe it because he was always clean.  Pretty much everyone I have spoken to so far (George, Korey, Chris's sister Stephanie, and Sarah) all noticed a change in him as early as July.  I remember seeing something on his arm back then but I put it out of my head because I didn't know what it was.  But sometime in between July and August he had started nodding out during sex and as early as August we had already stopped spending 2-3 nights together.  By September things had gotten strange, not just with me but with everyone, and he even started looking like hell.  I knew something was off -- hell I have a whole journal filled with everything that was going on -- I just never would have guessed it was something THIS huge.
On Thursday when I was helping Korey clean I found this business card on it, followed by 2 other women's phone numbers. Which is fucking WEIRD considering he had put my number in his phone and I had it changed like 3 hours later.  So what would he need to write it down again for, on a business card no less?  And that was right before Korey told me that back in December he hired a prostitute to give him a blowjob.  I remember checking his location on google lattitude and thought some of the places were weird or off but I never questioned him about it cuz I thought that in some cases that's just where the signal picked up.  But all that is merely speculation right now.  I didn't have as big of a problem with the hooker thing as I did finding poop on the floor near the bathroom and the cooking spoon wrapped up in tissue paper next to the toilet.  When I saw that, I almost fainted.  And I also found the used needles, so I guess he was keeping those separate from the clean ones.  I just put all the needles I found into one container and I was going to properly expose of them but I haven't had a chance to yet.
George also told me that Barry said he wishes there was a way he could talk to me without me having to go up there and I said I wrote him a letter and put a self-addressed envelope w/ a stamp inside of it so he can write me if he wants.  He could call me but I would hang up the phone, I know that already.  and I could give two shits if he gets out or not.  His apartment is gone.  The landlord already changed the locked (because apparently Korey told her he didn't have a job and he was getting kicked out of his other place but was thinking of making the guy evict him) so I dunno where he's going to go.  George said that he won't be giving Barry any work because he can't trust him and he doesn't want to give Korey work either because he would probably still be friends with Barry so he can't trust either one of them.  I'm just shocked that Korey knew a lot of things and never told me.  He probably figured that I'd get mad or something.  But I think this was pretty much the only way I would believe something like this--if it hit me in the face.
I'm not sure if Sarah is still planning on going to visit Barry tomorrow, but I told her about everything and that I was sorry to bail out on her but I didn't want to go anymore, I just can't handle it right now.  I asked her what she was planning on saying and she said she had no idea.  Just mainly about how badly he fucked up and ask him why.
Frankly I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now and if I was her I wouldn't want anything to set me back.  I'm holding up okay but she already has a bunch of issues with anxiety and stuff so I know that has got to be extremely difficult for her.  If she ever sees or talks to him again it should be when she's given herself enough time to process all this shit.  I understand her wanting to hear his side, but after all his lies, how can she really be sure that what he's saying now is true, just because he's in jail?  He's not sorry about anything right now, just that he got caught.  I have no idea what enticed him to try it, especially when we had conversations about him researching whatever he put into his body and he did heroin and long time ago but it didn't do anything for him.  Ack!  I still can't remember if it was that or meth!  That's gonna bother me for a while but I'm gonna talk to Sarah about it and see if she can help.

I've just been going back and reading stuff and Barry was just constantly sick nearly everytime that we talked, especially in November and December.

Wow--I've been writing for nearly 2 hours now and I have to get myself ready to go to my cousin's house.  Then tomorrow I might be going to Sarah's but I'm not sure yet.  At any rate, I'm gonna bring this nb so if I need to write, I can.

<3,
me

4:34pm

February 8th, 2012

February 8th, 2012
4:05pm

Hey Chelsea,
I'm not sure how much I'm gonna write, but I just feel like I need to.  I just got back from Sarah's house and I'm so glad that I went.  I got to see Killer and also talk through a lot of things with her.  She is done with Barry too. At first she didn't know what to believe but when I showed her all the pictures I had taken of everything, it just confirmed what she heard.  I don't even know where to begin in even processing this. I just can't believe that someone as smart as him would do something THIS stupid.  We even talked about it and he said something about trying heroin or something but not intravenously... or maybe it was meth?  Fuck I don't know.  But he prided himself on knowing what exactly what amount would do and I think he said something about taking it in pill form?  Like making a capsule?  As far as I knew, he would never put anything in his arm.  but this was years ago.  He knew how I felt about this being a huge dealbreaker.  I first started noticing a change in the summer right when George got an office in the tower.  He had Barry working on this huge complicated phone system and we'd still see each other but he started falling asleep during sex.  I chalked it up to him being really fucking tired.  Things just sort of got bizarre from there but I have a whole journal filled with all these weird incidents so you can read for yourself.

Sarah is going to see him on Sunday.  I almost want to go out of support for her because I don't want her to be alone, but I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him.  I knew for months that something wasn't right -- things weren't adding up.  But now they are and I'm just floored.  Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost him to jail and heroin.  HEROIN!  When George told me he got picked up I thought it must have been just pot! But this is just... and those disgusting pictures.  Fucking sick fucks, both him and Chris.  STUPID FUCKING CHRIS!

I am gonna put everything I have of Barry's in a box and I dunno what I'm gonna do with the pictures yet.  A part of me still wants to keep the ones of me that I think are cute, but it's just too painful to think about right now.  I need a nap :/.

<3,
me

4:35pm

January 29th, 2012

January 29th, 2012
11:48pm

Hey Chels,
Well... I made a dent in what I wanted to do but definitely didn't finish it.  But oh well.
Ugh--what a weekend.  I haven't heard from Barry since Friday and I've texted him once today.  I am pretty understanding most of the time but I HATE not knowing wtf is going on.  Especially since the last thing he said to me was that whole business with George.  So he could be scrambling trying to get everything together or just ignoring his phone or whatever.  I just wish he'd tell me beforehand so I wasn't left in the dark.  I know that I'm not the only one this happens to but if he's still talking to me then at least I know he's not dead or really sick or in jail or something.  I just hope that after this month is over and things FINALLY come to a head, this doesn't happen so much anymore.  That and I hope he rests better because George isn't working him to death.  Ack!  I just hate not knowing!  But... it's not the same feeling I had before and I definitely got my sign that he missed me :).  My gut is telling me it's nothing significant, mostly work stuff and George and I'll know soon what is happening.

Well, I would write more but I need to lay down.

<3,
me

January 30th, 2012
12:00am

January 26th, 2012

January 26th, 2012
12:34am

Hey Chels,
I know, I know.  I didn't get a chance to do ANY nbs today :(.  My dad got sick and inbetween that and studying, I didn't get much else done. Apparently my dad had a huge headache and he took some meds and my mom gave him another dose of it so it made him sick.  He threw up on and off for a while but he's doing a lot better now.  I could tell it wasn't an emergency because there wasn't the same urgency and panic in his face and his barfing was pretty much controlled for the most part.  My mom was all set for me to take him to the hospital so I did my best to calm both my parents down.  I did manage to do 2/3 tests of the day, which means I have to do 4 tomorrow to catch up.  No fun :(.  But I am almost finished!  And I have a whole half a year of podcasts to listen to and I am READY to do this already.

I am going to do something fun with the final questions.  Instead of trying to go in order and writing the same ones out over and over again, I'm going to eliminate the repeats and make one huge final out of all 3 simulation final exams.  Then I'm going to make flash cards for them in addition to making a recording.  So in a couple months I should know every question these people are prepared to throw at me.

Ugh.  I have more good news/bad news. On the one hand, Barry landed Dr Tahir as an exclusive client, which is very good news.  On the other hand, some chinese guy decided to hack into the phone system at the business he shares with George (for another week or so) so George decided that Barry owes him $25,000 because HE did the work.  But... he and George are only partners in spoken consent, not on paper. So there's nothing contractual holding him completely responsible.  I asked Barry if George could do that and he said, "no, but he could use it as an excuse to cheat me out of my paycheck."  As far as I'm concerned, Barry has been getting cheated out of his paychecks for a while now, constantly being at the mercy of someone who doesn't give a shit if Barry has a roof over his head or can pay his bills.  Dealing with this one client by himself, he won't have to deal with that anymore.  And besides, it costs money to take someone to court, money I'm sure George doesn't want to spend, and even if he was successful, what does Barry have that George even wants?  Does he think that he has $25,000 extra dollars just lying around somewhere?

I will let you know what happens as I find out.  I highly doubt anything will come out of it, but I still want to hear about the SHIT FIT George will throw once he realizes what just happened to his company.

<3,
me

1:01am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*rest of tarot reading*
4) Card four: devotion/nature spirits
The presence of God is everywhere, so if you feel disconnected from the Divine, you're the one who left.  Your nature spirits are beckoning you back to a place of awareness that reconnects you to your source.  Do not allow your mind to isolate you in fear or get stuck dwelling on misery.  Instead, go outside and take in the natural world--which is a beautiful gift for you to enjoy.  See the Divine all around you.  Focus on the beauty, power, and holiness that nature affirms.  Humbly surrender to this greatest of forces present in all things, including you.  Your Nature Spirit's message: "Breathe in the Divine.  You are in God, and God is in you."
5) Life force/Aphrodite
Your sexuality is awake and on fire, and your lustier appetities are in search of satisfaction.  You're attractive, seductive, and powerful, and a "green light" of availability to a sexual partner is flashing.  This is what makes the world go 'round, and nothing is more intruiging and exciting than your life force asserting itself.  The key to enjoying this fiery essense is containment. You must control and direct your life-force energy rather than allow it to control and overwhelm you.  Otherwise, you can become mindlessly addicted to your senses, which can be debilitating and enslaving.
Delight in your sensual self, but be discriminating about where it leads you.  Use your judgement.  Raw life force is best partnered with reason and the greater force of love to bring you to the heightened state of ecstasy you seek.  Trust the sensual goddess Aphrodite as she unleashes your passions, but respect her as well.  Her message for you: "Use your fiery passions creatively, not destructively."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"singers:
There is another factor that can complicate this process for the vampire.  The smell of each human is different, and humans can smell more appetizing than is usual to vampires.  The more appealing any human scent and taste is to a vampire, the more difficult it will be for that vampire to bite the human and still leave him alive.  Infrequently, a specific human will smell nearly irresistable to a specific vampire.  That human is known as a singer among vampires, because his or her blood sings for the vampire in question.  Singers are individual phenomena; a person whose blood sings for one vampire will not have the same effect on all vampires.  While there are some humans whose scents are more appealing to vampires in general, that appeal does not reach the level of a singer.  Singers are considered by most vampires to be a great find, the drinking of whose blood is an experience to be savored.

Vampire history:
The oldest known vampire history is that of the Romanian coven, named for the location in which they originated, which would later be known as Romania, the most powerful coven during the time before 400 A.D. Their power resulted from their numbers; the Romanians were the first to expand their single coven beyond the normal two or three vampires.  They had to cooperate in a way unusual to vampires to accomplish this, but their self control extended only to their fellow vampires.  The Romanian coven made no secret of its existence and both preyed on and enslaved humans indiscriminately.  The Romanians were overthrown by the Volturi coven between 400 and 500 A.D.
The Volturi coven originated in Greece during the Mycenaen era.  It began with the three original members--Aro, Caius, and Marcus.  And then grew to be core of six as the members found romantic partners: Sulpicia, Athenodora, and Didyme.  Ambition was their bonding element, much the same as with the Romanians.  The Volturi actively recruited gifted humans into their coven. Eventually, using the basic argument that vampires should conform to simple laws of mutual convenience, the Volturi launched a successful war against the Romanians, who would not conform to these laws.  The Volturi hunted the Romanians until there were only two survivors of the original coven--Stefan and Vladimir. The Volturi preserved ruling status over the years through coven strength and a policy of general noninterference.  The Volturi coven is both the largest and easily the most talented group of vampires of the world, a reason to unite against them.  For this reason, the Volturi do not get involved with other vampires frequently, and act against other covens only when there is a complaint that could negatively affect other vampires.
Consequently, they are commonly percieved by vampirekind as a positive force.  There are very few vampires alive who predate the Volturi. Most have been born into a world where the law is constructed by the Volturi are an accepted fact of life. This protects the Volturi from the realization that their laws are merely an excuse to exert control over the vampire world. .... (to be continued)

January 25th, 2012

January 25th, 2012
9:47pm

hey Chels,
Haha now I'm starting to feel like you--trying to write and having all these distractions.  But now is pretty good to write :).  So anyhow... Barry and I made plans to hang out on Sunday but I didn't know if that would actually happen so I didn't say anything to anyone until it actually happened.  He wasn't feeling well so I was worried that he was going to bail on me but he didn't.  We didn't do much, just snuggled all night.  I can't remember the last time we snuggled for longer than 5 minutes much less all night. I tried to give him room so he could move around if he wanted but all he wanted was me :).  Then Monday morning he made us some breakfast and I had to go home but he wanted to try again.  He sent me this funny text saying he didn't suddenly turn gay, he was just having stomach issues.  Because I was thinking that it was weird that we hadn't had sex in over a month and all he wanted to do was snuggle.  But then I thought that it was nice that we actually got to just be together and have quality time and I was finally seeing him outside of driving him to work/watching him work.  I was even beginning to feel like we were drifting apart.

So... he asked me if I wanted to go to the office with him because Chris was sick and there was no place he could go to.  But then he couldn't find the keys.  I said something about just coming back from my house but I meant ME going over to his house from my house but he misinterpreted it to mean that we both come back to his house from my house (sorry, this is confusing).  To be honest though, it got him to actually set foot in my house so I didn't really care.  I have been trying for MONTHS to get him to hang out at my house but nothing ever came of it.  The only other time he even saw my house was when he came by to give me a copy of his apartment key so I could walk his dog while he worked on a work emergency.

I was a little unclear of what was going on at first so I asked, "which way are we going?" and he said, "I don't know, but we're going to your house."  I was thinking that I should have warned my mom but it all happened so fast that I didn't get a chance to so she had to scramble to put her robe on.  I could tell she was a little flustered but she wasn't pissed.  We all talked for a bit and then I took him to my room.  I was looking for something to watch and settled on The Office.  Barry got through half of one episode and fell asleep.  I didn't care, I just thought it was adorable that he fell asleep.  Oh, also I should tell you that this was the first official night that I got to try out the mattress because after I came home from Charisse's party on Saturday I watched the Drew Peterson movie with my mom.

Drew Peterson is this policeman in the Chicagoland area who was married 4 times.  He had 2 divorces, his 3rd wife mysteriously drowned in a tub that had no water in it, and his 4th wife's body was never found.  He would start making up these stories of someone's infidelity and that would give him an excuse to abuse whoever he was with.  Rob Lowe played Drew and omg... he was so creepy that at times I had to laugh to deal with it.  The things he'd say (in the movie) were so ridiculous that I had to just laugh.  Because if I didn't... it would hurt too much.

ANYWAY, I finally got Barry to sleep lengthwise.  I have to say that this bed is really comfy but I think it might be too small for 2 people unless those two people really like each other, lol.  Honestly, I do not know how I slept on this bed with Brian for over a year.  But anyway... it took me a while to fall asleep and even though I had some dreams I didn't remember any of them and woke up when Barry got up.  I do have to say though that it's a testament to how comfy my bed is -- he didn't move or toss and turn the whole night.  And this morning when I woke up my back wasn't sore and I didn't feel like I hadn't gotten any sleep.

So... he said he should go home (it was a little after 8am) but I could come with him for more snuggles.  So we left and got to his house and immediately got back into bed and fell asleep.  I kept waking up when people would call (that's why we had to leave my house), but he didn't actually get UP up till after 12pm.  I was going to leave because I didn't know how long he was going to take but he ended up asking if I'd grab a couple of pizzas from Little Ceaser's.  So I did that and apparently when he said he wanted the pepperoni and sausage, I thought he meant together on the same pizza but he meant 2 different pizzas so Chris could have some too.  What ended up happening was I got one fresh one and one hot-n-ready and the fresh one came out way better.

I ended up having a nice conversation with Chris, who said that he stopped doing a lot of drugs (namely heroin, crack, pot, and pills) once he realized that he wasn't going to die young.  I'm not sure how much I believe that he's really stopped but I have noticed that he hasn't really been stoned much for a while.  I can't say I know exactly when that happened because I haven't been around that much in the past month or so but he seems to be remembering me more.  The first few times we met he was ALWAYS high.  But... for now it seems like he might actually be doing something positive with his life, which is great.

So... after a while, Chris left to go for a walk so Barry and I could be alone or whatever.  We finally got to have sex!  Lol.  Honestly it was really nice to be able to be with him but at the same time there were too many distractions, including a phone call that ended up being Sarah of all people.  After a while I was getting sore (my legs were getting tired) and he had to pee so we stopped.  We didn't get dressed right away, just laid there and held each other and he asked if I felt better and I said, "yes," and he said, "me too."  I said that it was a start in making up for that month when the only time we saw each other was when he was working.  I told him he was lucky to have a girlfriend who understands that and he said, "yes I am."  We snuggled for a little bit longer and then put our clothes on and finally around 4pm I left.

I came home and studied for the rest of the night and today all I did was study.  But I liked how I did it today and I think I'm gonna follow that until I feel like I'm done :).  Then the REAL FUN begins.

Phew, I finally got to write my shit out!  Tomorrow I will put stuff in here to finish up loose ends with some stuff before I start writing again.

<3,
me

11:05pm

January 24th, 2012

January 24th, 2012
5:33pm

Okay--so far I owe you 3 Twilights and the last 2 cards of the tarot reading and OMG I have catching up to do.  Alright so... I ended up going to the mall with my mom.  We got a mattress topper that is called Perfect Luxury.  It has two inches of memory foam and two inches of pillow top.  It is soooo comfy!  I hadn't gotten a chance to sleep on it yet because after the mall (I also got 2 new bras, a beautiful blue top, a really cute fuzzy jacket for Mackenzie, a couple of pans and some shoes for my mom.  I also got to try Wonderstruck by Taylor Swift and would have gotten it if it wasn't so much :/).  We didn't get home till like 7:30pm and I didn't end up getting to Charisse's till after 8pm and ended up leaving after 11pm.

5:53pm

January 21st, 2012

January 21st, 2012
2:11pm

Hey Chels,
Well, this weekend did not go exactly the way I planned it.  I still went to the Book Club meeting on Thursday night which was okay but would have been better if the woman sitting across from me had actually tried to have a conversation with me.  I tried to talk to her and be nice but she wasn't having it which I thought was stupid.  But if was really fun listening to everyone go back and forth.

Yesterday there was this huge blizzard and the meditation meetup was cancelled.  I couldn't go anywhere so I decided to work on this new project where I just take all our conversations and make that into a book.  It's actually pretty crazy looking back on everything we've talked about, but once it's fixed and edited it will be great.  Hmmm... I thought the limit was 740, not 470?  Yup... it is 470.  I might have to take out the poetry room stuff and make that into a separate book.
Barry did get home safe -- his "friend" George finally came and got him.  He texted me and said that he missed me so much I don't even know, he could cry :(.  It felt good to hear him say that because for the past few weeks I haven't heard anything like that but there has been so much going on that we haven't been able to have our own time.  So, either tonight or tomorrow we will FINALLY get to be together.  Yay so this chapter is... done!  haha.  So... today I wanted to go shopping with my mom to pick out a new mattress topper (because this one blows) and I haven't heard a peep out of her regarding what time we're going and all of that.  And I have a bday party at 6pm to go to.  :/

2:29pm

January 18th, 2012

January 18th, 2012
12:15am

Hey Chels,
Just did some yoga and I feel so much better.  Although I did have a somewhat crazy day.  Oh btw... I'm on the last book of the Seven Deadly Sins series: Greed.  I'm waiting until I finish to give the full report.
So... I actually heard from Barry today.  The reason why I haven't been hearing much from him for the past few days is because he's got allergies bad from the weather being so damn crazy and he had some foot fungus that was actually pretty serious.  That boy has been through so many illnesses it's ridiculous.  Even though he probably won't be on ALL the meds that he's on now for the rest of his life, meds will just be a part of his life forever.  Just like my dad, you, Geoff, Alex... over half of my friends have these issues.  It's bad enough that I have to worry about my dad all the time but I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  But Barry is going to be a part of my life no matter what, regardless if he's sick or not.  It does explain why he was kind of weird the other night.  He said "luv ya," which is what you'd say to a friend.

His meeting is today and I am praying to God he makes it to this one.  I offered to give him a ride (if he didn't want to walk) but I think he's asleep.  His original meeting was on the 5th but he was too sick to go.  I am 95% sure that he won't miss this one but all it takes is him forgetting or getting sick or something and then who knows what would happen?
I'm wishing he didn't say anything at all to the police, then he wouldn't be in this mess (and I'm pretty sure he often feels the same way).

Ugh.  I'm gonna stop obsessing over it and whatever happens tomorrow is supposed to happen and I'll deal with it when I have to.

Also, I had a long conversation with my friend Steve today.  I realized that if we had stayed together since we met, we would probably still be together, maybe even married.  We met in 2001 and we were "together" for a month before he met Ashley.  Then he got married and I went through Nick, Mike, Brian, and Ryan. By the time Ryan and I broke up, steve was still miserable but wouldn't leave Ashley.  She's the one who finally got sick of him and left.  But if there had been no Ashley and no other guys, he would have been the only man I have ever slept with.  I feel that even now that I'm with someone else. And it's not like I'm not happy with Barry -- I am.  I just can't help wondering how my life would be different had I chosen another path.  Maybe... I could write a story about it?  Hmmm.  That I have to think about.  It's funny because I can remember a time not too long ago when I was thinking, "I am so happy with Barry.  I am SO in love with that boy."  And then the next day I found that conversation he had with Sarah, and then that really weird New Years, and all these conflicting feelings I'm having. I do love him.  I get all stupid when I'm around him.  Just like... whenever he touches me I feel my face light up and his kisses make me all giddy... but it's been so long since we've spent actual quality time together that it's starting to drive me nuts.  I think it's just because I really miss him.  But he has been too sick/busy/stressed to have time for me.  And believe me, I understand about all of that.  But I have feelings, too.  I have wants and needs and it would just be nice to know that he's thinking of me too and misses me, too.  I did wake up to a really nice text, which was a start, but I think one day I'll have a talk with him.  I'm relatively low maintenance, you don't have to tell me you love me 50x a day.  But it would be nice to hear that you are thinking about me.  Well, I can't really say that becaue he DOES do that, just sometimes it takes a while.

MORE TO WRITE BUT TOO TIRED!

<3,
me

1:04am

January 15th, 2012

January 15th, 2012
3:48pm

"The transformation process:
The transformation process from human to vampire begins with a vampire bite.  Once the venom coating the vampire's teeth enters the bloodstream of a human, it moves through the human's body, changing each cell as it passes.  The spread of venom is swift, but the reconstruction of the cells takes time.  This process is excrutiatingly painful, comparable to the feeling of being burned alive.  The process lasts for roughly 2 to 3 days, depending on how much venom is present in the circulatory system and how close to the heart it entered.  There is no way to circumvent the burning with painkillers; the most narcotics can do is immobilize the body.
One benefit to the human is that vampire venom is capable of repairing all kinds of damage to the body.  A human who had sustained a crippling injury would be made whole again as a vampire.  Venom does have its limits, though; it could not, for example, regrow a lost limb.  The transformation is difficult from the vampire perspective as well. Even mature vampires have trouble resisting flowing human blood.  The scent affects them as it does sharks; they can go into a feeding frenzy.  For this reason, vampires tend to not hunt in packs.  During the irrational frenzy, members of the coven are likely to turn on one another in competition for the blood.  The taste of human blood makes it even harder for the vampire to resist.  It is nearly impossible for a vampire to not drain the human; thus killing him or her once the vampire has tasted blood.  Only vampires with a great deal of self control are able to remain focused enough to bite a human and then let him live long enough for the venom to effect the change."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright... now for the real entry, lol.  I always mean to write one Twilight segment to one entry but it never works out that way due to me being either tired or lazy.

So... welcome to my Sunday afternoon.  Since Friday I've more or less become a recluse, not really wanting to do much or be out of my room if I don't have to be.  Ever since last Friday, my world has been kind of nuts. And I've had people who could be there for me as much as they could be but it never quite feels like enough.  If Barry and I were talking more I probably would have seen him sometime this weekend, but I feel like I need to use this time for myself and just focus on me.

Actually, Friday (the 13th)  was fun.  I went to see my friend Evelyn and then came home and studied for a while and then went to this Paranormal Movie Night thing and ended up having a great time.  I felt like mentioning Monique but I didn't.  I just felt like it would be crass, considering we're not friends anymore.
Anyway, I ended up walking there and back and it was cold and snowing out, but I didn't have a bad time (walking).  I had my Ipod with me and sang songs all the way there and back.  And actually.. I'm glad this weekend will be mellow because next weekend is going to be very busy.  I have a book club meeting Thursday night, a meditation on Friday night, and a workshop on Saturday afternoon plus a b'day party later in the day.  So... yay!  I dunno what this week will bring but I know already that it will be so much
better than last week.  Wow... you know what I just realized?  Joe died 6 years ago on a Sunday and this year the 22nd is a Sunday.  Also, I got my rabbit, Mystic Moon on Friday which was the 13th.  January always comes with crazy memories.  New Years, my miscarriage, getting the rabbit, Barry, Joe dying... all different years of course but... oh and I forgot -- Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger died this month also.  Omg -- on the 2 year anniversary that Joe died!  Wow, I feel like I should make a timeline or something.

January
-------
~~2003, spend New Years at Mike's sister's apartment
~~7th, 2003, experience a miscarriage, the 1st and only time I've been pregnant
~~13th, 2006, get Mystic Moon, the sweetest bunny anyone could ever ask for
~~22nd, 2006, Joseph Arthur dies around 6am.  I miss work that day and get the call from Earnest an hour after I've called in.
~~1st, 2008--have the worst new years of my life.
~~15th, 2008--Actor Brad Renfro dies of a heroin overdose
~~22nd, 2008--Actor Heath Ledger dies of a prescription overdose
~~sometimes between then and the 24th, 2008-- you broke your foot. And then Lynne moved in.  I remember it was the 25th that we did that ritual and then went to dinner with David and Lynne.  The 25th was a Friday.

Let's see... anything else crazy happen in this month?
~~1st, 2011--shared my first kiss of the year and ever with Barry.
~~16th, 2011--we had relations for the first time.  I remember because it had been exactly 2 months since the last time I had sex (with stupid Ryan, ew)
~~27th-30th, 2011--Barry moves out of his grandparents' basement and into where he is now.
~~28th, 2011--he goes on probation and the stupid thing is he got caught with shrooms but the drug he can't test positive for is pot.  Ummm.... right.  Lol.

I think that is it for now, but yeah.

SO... I want to try a few Tarot Card spreads but first I need to get something to eat because all I've had to eat today are crackers and I need something way more substantial than that.  So I will be back and do some tarot card spreads. Ooh yay this should be fun!

<3,
me

5:00pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tarot card reading #1--two layouts, just in case
1) actual situation
2) past, or how it began
3) future, or what will be new for you
4) root or foundation
5) chance or tendency

1) self-esteem/guardian angel Michael:
You may feel like the "odd man out" right now, as others may not fully appreciate or support your ideas and perspectives.  In fact, you might be feeling discounted altogether.  Fortunately, the Guardian Angel Michael is present to help you remain grounded and centered, even in such times of being challenged or misunderstood.  He cousels you to remain true to yourself and steadfast in your convictions, even if they aren't shared by those around you.
Yes, it can be scary to go against the crowd and stand up for what you believe in, especially when it's unpopular or possibly ahead of its time.  But Michael stands by you and reminds you that this is a part of becoming a spiritually mature soul--he helps you ignore popular opinion and stay true to your heart.
Don't seek approval, or doubt yourself when you don't recieve it.  Instead, Michael encourages you to stand in your full spiritual adulthood and claim your self-esteem by trusting what YOU feel and believe in. Do not abandon yourself to win approval in the moment.  And don't be afraid to take a stand--after all, this is how you'll become the true leader of your own life.
2)community/spiritual ancestors:
Your spiritual ancestors are gathering around you at this time, holding you in their light and connecting you with your spiritual family here on Earth.  Your soul is now seeking the kind of love and support that comes from being part of the right community--"your people," so to speak.  Not wanting you to feel isolated in any way, your ancestors hear your soul call and are presently guiding you toward kindred spirits.
Understand and realize that you can't achieve your goals alone; be open to support.  You need the soul-energizing support of your tribe.  Give up any notions you have of going it alone in life, and develop the insight and wisdom to recognize your limitations.  After all, even Christ picked 12 associates to help him accomplish his mission on Earth.
Follow your ancestors' directions; it is they who encourage you to join a club, enroll in a course, or sign up for the neighborhood basketball team.  You never know whom you'll meet.  Your ancestors' message: "open your heart and feel our presence in your life, and be open to your spiritual family on Earth."
3) truth/higher self:
Your higher self is present, activating your powers of reason and intellect.  It asks you to develop clearly and objectively when looking at your life, rather than interpreting events through the murky and distorted waters of emotion.  Strive to see the reality of what happened in the past so you can acquire a more accurate understanding of what's going on.  You may notice things that make you uncomfortable or challenge your ethics.  Ask your higher self to give you the courage to stand up for your truth and address difficult situations at their core, rather than distance yourself or pretend you don't see the real problems because they make you uncomfortable.  Like the child in the fairy tale, "The Emperor's New Clothes," your higher self is motivating you to not only see life more deeply, but to also share your perceptions with those around you.
This is the time, for example, to address your unbalanced budget and look for ways to cut corners.  It's also the time to acknowledge your ever-expanding waistline and seek out what's really eating at you.  This is when you need to step away from your emotions and dispassionately study the problems at hand so that you can come to a solution without blame and projection.  Ask yourself what the problem is, not who the problem is.  Only then can you begin to find real solutions with productive outcomes.  Your higher self is sharpening your perception and clarifying your view so that you can make important and necessary changes at this time.  As Carl Jung once said, "When the diagnosis is correct, the healing begins."  And your higher self's message is: "Look for the truth behind appearances."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not done but that's all I'm doing for now.

Oops--just sort of stopped writing and forgot to start back up again.  I just wanted to write a quick prayer before closing up shop.

Dear God,
Tonight I want to pray for my friend, Chelsea.  She is going through something very rough with someone she cares for deeply.  I am praying that she has the strength to give her worry over to you so that she doesn't have to go crazy over not talking to someone.  I pray she finds the trust in you that everything will work itself out and that she will find peace in her heart.  I am also going to pray that she will find the strength to stand up for what the real problem is, instead of hiding behind emotions and projections.  Even I can't begin to understand what the real problem is, but it's bigger than me.  It's bigger than Chelsea and Ryan and all of these bad problems aren't going to help.

Also, I want to pray for my two men: my dad and Mr B.  I want them both to have a healthy week -- that means NO hospital trips for my dad unless it's the pain clinic.  And as for B, just please keep him safe this week.  I know there is a lot going on with work and his health but if he pushes himself too hard he could get in serious trouble.  I pray that he gets the rest he needs this week, and that things with his work either stay the same or get better.  If any of his clients are going to be trouble they can go elsewhere. Only positivity from now on.  Also, please be with Bev's baby, Riley, as he is still not feeling well.

I am also going to pray for Monique.  She is obviously going through something. I hope she starts to feel better soon.

In Jesus name,
amen.

Well, that is all from me for now.  I love you and I hope you start to feel better soon as well.  Oh and just because you are "letting go" of a situation doesn't mean you're "letting go" of a person.  You can still care for them even if you choose not to be a part of their lives, the part that makes you feel like this.  I know that in a couple of days he's going to worm his way back into your heart and you're going to warmly accept whatever crappy excuse he gives you and deny that he made you feel this way.  And when you do that, I'm not going to worry about it.  Why?  Because I'm letting God take care of all the worry for me.  You're gonna keep running back to him and he's going to keep treating you like this.  Why?  Because you let him.  You have basically given him all of the power, you have reduced your wants and need to mold him but he never gives you anything that you can really rely on.  But... he is who he is and I guess time will tell to see if he really wants to change.

Ugh I almost hate that I wrote all of this.  It makes me feel like crap for actually showing emotion regarding the whole thing.  Whenever I have an opinion it always gets shut down so I have been trying to just accept it and then something like this happens.  I can't win.

~Rita

1:30am

January 12th, 2012

January 12th, 2012
12:29am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEVERLY!
Well, today is the last day of my Massageprep.com subscription and you want to know how I'm spending it?  Listening to my book on cd and resuming work on the last nb (I was making a book but didn't get done in time for some sale they were having so I stopped working on it altogether in favor of studying).  I do have to find out how to get my mom $50.00 and with my next paycheck I have to send $20.00 to the ultrasound people, give $20.00 to my doctor's office (I wanted to pay more but can't just now), pay $100 for the phone bill, $76 for car insurance and $50 for HSBC!  So maybe with my NEXT paycheck I can get that subscription back and until then, write down what I have and give myself more breaks.  And that also includes writing more in here :).

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with this yet, honestly I just want to use it strictly for writing.  I just feel like all the projects and everything are too much for me to keep up with.  At least for now.  I dunno, I might be at a point where I'm just burnt out on doing crazy projects for a while.  But I think maybe I just don't have the energy for much right now.

So... today went better than I thought it would.  Oh, just FYI.  I am going to sometimes write the same things in my livejournal as I will in here BUT I should tell you that I am using my entries as my own personal journal and I'm going to print everything out and put it in my own NB.  I haven't really written to myself in a while (actually written) so that sort of takes care of both things.  I want to save yours, too, but then I got a sort of idea where my next nb would be all letters that we've written to each other or our livejournal entries as letters to each other or something like that.  Like... I want to incorporate as much of our online life as I can into the next nb and of course pictures we have taken and all of that.  I think I'm gonna redo that "reunited at last" scrapbook and save the pictures I already have for something else.  we'll see.

So... you know that picture you had on your wall about marriage?  Well, on New Years Eve, Barry and I were having this conversation about marriage.  I'm not sure if he and I will ever get married and if we don't I'm really okay with that.  My parents have been together this whole time.  But his parents.... his dad has been married twice and his mom has been married 5 times.  And the only girl he has ever thought about marrying was Sarah, but even that turned out bad.  He says marriage is a business transaction more than anything and I can see his point.  A merging of assets and prenuptual agreements and security.

And then there's me.  I don't necessarily think that's all marriage is about.  I think people really do love each other and they have found that one person they never want to let go of.  But I have always been a bit squeemish about marriage.  First I'd have to find someone who I could actually consider seeing myself with, and then I'd have to see if it was worth all the trouble.  And so far, it hasn't been.

I think, for me at least, people forget that being married isn't just wearing a pretty dress and looking perfect and the perfect song and the perfect flowers and cake, etc.  People focus so much on that that they don't take the time to really see who is standing at that altar ready to say the perfect words to bind you two together.  People lose sight of the fact that this is a merger of 2 completely separate people.

And I don't think people really "change," I just think that there are expectations that aren't met or a woman knows something is wrong but goes through with it anyway and spends the rest of her time trying to claw her way out.

What I want isn't necessarily a piece of paper declaring me legally bound to another human being.  I want to feel safe in his arms and comforted by his touch.  I want us to be linked together in a way that only people who are really close to each other can be linked, and I want us both to be accepting of each other for exactly who we both are.  I don't want us to put pressure on ourselves or each other to feel something that isn't there or to rush into something we're not both ready for.  I want to feel as if what we have is this thing that is so precious, I just want to throw my loving arms around it and protect it so nothing can hurt or taint it.
Is that what I have with Barry?  Most of the time, I really feel like the answer would be yes, but I don't like Sarah being there.  I feel like the closer we get the more she's going to freak out and I feel like eventually I'm going to lose because he won't just tell her to fuck off.  He did get mad at her and told her off a ton when she called his cousin a junkie, though (I read this conversation via text message).  Apparently she was talking too loud and Chris heard her call him that.  Personally, I happen to agree with her.  How is he not a junkie?  But would I tell him that?  Probably not.  Because it wouldn't change anything, besides maybe my relationship status.  But as much as Chris is a shithead, it's not my place to say anything anyway.  It does piss me off that Barry is letting him sponge off of him, but that's his deal, not mine.

Ugh--if I have any chance of getting up at a decent hour tomorrow, I need to get my happy ass to bed soon.

<3,
me

1:25am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Immortality:
Vampires do not age from the moment their transformation is complete.  Vampires have no natural life cycle; they exist in this progressionless state indefinitely.  This is a conditional form of immortality, as they can be permanently destroyed by fire.  However, their speed and strength make it necessary to incapacitate them before burning them.  Only another supernatural creature has the ability to incapacitate a vampire, by tearing her limbs from her body.  Thus, vampires are in no danger from human beings.  A vampire who is incapacitated but left unburned has the ability to reconstitute herself.  One facet of the absence of aging is that vampires do not develop emotionally or mentally past the age at which they are transformed.  A transformed child would remain childlike forever, unable to mature in any aspect.

Nutrition:
Vampires do not have a circulatory system.  Their bodies are harder than human bodies, but their cells are selectively porous.  They recieve nutrition only from blood, which, once drunk, is absorbed throughout the body. Blood satiates their thirst and makes them physically stronger, but it is not necessary for life.  Vampires cannot starve to death; they get progressively weaker and thirstier as time goes on.  They are not able to digest solid food.  If a vampire swallows a solid as a subterfuge, that substance will sit in his stomach until he forces it back throughout his mouth.
Human blood is the most appealing to vampires and hardest to resist.  However, they can recieve the same nutritional strength from animal blood.  Vampires do not need to feed as often as humans do; drinking the blood of one human is enough to satiate a mature vampire for a week or two.

Supernatural abilities:
Most vampires find their key personality characteristics intensified by the vampire transformation in the same way their physical abilities are strengthened, but relatively few have abilities that can be classified as supernatural.  More common would be a human with a love of learning becoming a vampire with an insatiable scholarly curiosity, or a human with a deep value for human life becoming a vampire with the strength to avoid human blood.
But a few vampires do develop additional abilities that go beyond the natural.  These extra abilities are due to psychic gifts in the original human that are intensified in the resulting vampire.  For example, a human who was very sensitive to other people's moods might develop the vampire ability to read thoughts or influence emotions. A human who had some limited precognition might develop into a vampire with a strong ability to see the future.  A human with the good instinct for hunting might become a powerful vampire tracker.  The proportion of supernaturally talented vampires to normal vampires is greater than the proportion of psychically gifted humans to normal humans.  This is due to the same factor of temperament that results in more beautiful humans being selected to become vampires.  Vampires are also drawn to gifted humans when they look to create companions.  Some vampires actively seek out the gifted in the hope of utilizing that extra ability on their own.

Newborn vampires:
A newborn vampire--defined as any vampire who is less than one year from his date of transformation--is different from a more mature vampire in behavior and appearance.  The newborn is plagued by an unrelenting thirst and will feed as often as possible.  The thirst is so maddening in the first year that most newborns are more animalistic and wild than their older counterparts.
They are marked as physically different by their vibrantly crimson irises, though in other ways they look the same as mature vampires.  Their behavior is more diverse than their appearance.  As they age, their behavior generally becomes more rational and consistent."

January 10th, 2012

January 10th, 2012
1:50am

Hey Chels,
Omg what a "buttfuck" of a day.  But you know about it already so I'm not going to write about it again, especially not before bed. But I am going to write about this book series, Seven Deadly Sins.

In this book, Sloth, Beth is feeling guilty because of something she did in the previous book.  But to discuss that, I have to start from the beginning.  The characters all live in this small town of Grace, California.  There is Adam--the all American guy and his girlfriend, the "good girl," Beth.  There is Harper, who lives next door to Adam and they're best friends but she wants more.  Then there is Miranda, the witty tomboy who is Harper's bff but she is always riding Harper's coattails.  And then there is Kane, Adam's best friend and all around bad boy.  Kane secretly always wanted Beth and Miranda secretly always wanted Kane but Beth picked Adam and Kane overlooked Miranda.
Well, this new girl moves into town from NYC--Kaia.  She is used to the fast life and gets bored easily.  She devises a plan with Kane and Harper to break Adam and Beth up, which isn't hard because there were already problems.  They had been going out for over a year and Beth wouldn't sleep with Adam.  I'm not saying you have to, and if someone's not ready I can understand that, but at some point you have to talk to that person about it, otherwise what are you doing in a relationship with that person?
So, Beth and Adam get into this huge fight and he hands out with Harper at a bar and then he goes to the bathroom and never comes back because he's hooking up with Kaia.  Of course he feels like shit about it after he and Beth make up but then she feels guilty too because her French teacher kisses her (more like forced himself on her).  I guess he picked her because he knew she wouldn't stand up for herself and he was right.
So anyway, Kaia pursues this Jack Powell guy because he's sexy or whatever but he makes it perfectly clear that they're not together.  He even makes out with someone else at a ski trip.  But when she finds someone else he gets mad and goes stalker crazy on her.  She goes to confront him and he ends up trying to attack her (rape) but she hits him on the head and runs out of there.  She calls 911 and I guess he is saved but would have been better off dead.  She was going to call the cops when she died.
So... Kaia orchistrates this massive makeout scene between Kane and "Beth," who is really Harper but Kane photoshops the pictures and they each spend enough time with the objects of their desires so that when the shit hits the fan, Kane will get Beth and Harper will get Adam, which is exactly what happens, besides the fact that Harper knew that Miranda was into Kane and not only tried to steer her away so their plan could work, she ditched her for Adam.  Things finally came to a head at a NYE party when Kane tried giving Beth X so she'd sleep with him but when that didn't work he took a pill himself and opened his mouth loud enough for Adam to hear.  When Adam found out what Harper and Kane did, he found Beth and they got back together for a second before Kaia told Beth that she and Adam slept together while they were still together.

So, Adam spent the whole last book, Wrath, pissed at Kane, who thinks he should be over it by now, and Harper, who basically played him for a fool.  So they hash up another plan to get back at Beth, who at this point is sick and tired of getting shit on all the time and is beginning to snap.  With Kaia's help, Harper writes this speech that wins and she gets to read it to the governer.
Beth wrote one too but she was so unfocused that she ended up stealing another person's speech, but she ended up not using it.  Oh--Harper and Kane want to get back at Beth for making a flyer spilling all of their secrets on it but it backfires because it just makes her and Miranda (who helped) look weak and it makes Harper more popular and she even wins the speech because it's a popularity contest.
But Harper didn't count on being afraid to talk in front of people.  So Kaia gives her some Xanax to take.  Beth, who is still pissed that Harper won, puts the drugs that Kane gave her into some hot cocoa and offers it to Harper.  When Harper gets on stage she basically humiliates herself and begs Adam to forgive her but he won't so she storms off and finds Kaia.  Kaia gives Harper the keys to her car and Harper drives off and then gets hit by another  driver and they both get thrown from the car but Kaia is dead at this point.

So now, Harper is still the Queen B, Miranda and Adam are trying to kiss up to her, and Beth feels hella guilty because she overheard Harper's confession that she was driving.
To be honest, I kind of hope Beth doesn't say anything because it wasn't entirely her fault plus it's not like Kaia even tried to like her but instead knew all the right buttons to press. I could see why she would feel guilty, I mean someone died because of her carelessness, but it wasn't her fault that Harper was driving.  Frankly, I wish it had been Harper who died, because at least Kaia never pretended to have any redeeming qualities. But I have two more books to finish so we'll see!

Love,
me

2:39am