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Ok, I think I’ll actually get some writing done today. I’ll tell you about the situation with Brian and all my coworkers but first I’ll finish talking about my period. First of all, I was an idiot yesterday. I knew I was due for my menstrual cycle, but I had no cramps or anything. I wore no underwear, thus no pad and went to help Cassandra get her things out of the house. Wouldn’t you know it. I started my period. I finished helping her, she bought me lunch and by the time we were finished and she was gone, my cramps started. I called off work (oh trust me, I’ll tell you about that) and I slept off and on throughout the day. The cramps were not as bad as they could have been, but bad enough I was glad I called out. I’m still tired though. I’m probably going to write as much as i can and then nap. I have to work at 5pm. I think I’ll be ok today enough though I still feel like shit kinda (mostly I just needed a shower and more sleep). So, yea. As far as coworkers go, I told you I’d elaborate on a few people. Daniel and I have been friends since I was 15 or 16. We got really close by the time I was 17 and he dated most of my friends. Lol. My parents loved him and always wanted me to date him, but I always saw him as a brother/best friend. We used to go to really late movies and always the theatre in Boca. On the way home, he would drive super fast down the highway and it would always scare the shit out of me, yet I had such a blast I didn’t care. He was fun and such a good friend, we could talk about anything. He’s the one who helped me admit that Gabe raped me, and he always said I should move on from Ryan Brennan. He never liked him and always thought I could do better. Boy was he correct or what? Daniel is just not the same person he was then. I know I’m not either, and sometimes I really wonder how I was different. Was I better or am I better now? Anyway, Daniel is HARD now. He still tries to have fun but having a broken heart, a kid, and being a military man has really made him HARD. He’s kind, but takes his associate manager position too far. Well, too seriously anyway. I’m not saying it’s not a serious job--it is and he deserves respect. But I think he doesn’t know when to be Daniel Patterson, Big Lots associate manager, and when to be just Daniel Patterson. Get me? Barbara…. I love her. I do. but being friends with her seems one sided. If you tell her your day sucks and why, she always has a way her day is worse. It gets annoying, and half the time you wonder if it’s all true. I don’t have any reason to believe she’s lying except just the wonder that she only says something to put attention on her. I don’t know. Plus she talks shit about everyone. She, Stephanie, and I became very close friends but even in the beginning of that I could tell I’d be the odd man out. They were automatically just way closer, I think because they both have kids. Until recently, there was a falling out. Stephanie decided to do a line of coke in the bathroom at Benny’s and Barb got pissed. It was a huge deal for like 3 days but I think they’re ok now. It kind of upset me how when they were mad at each other, I was the go to person when they don’t invite me anywhere anymore. They barely even talk to me. Now they’re friends again so I’m sure I’ll be ignored. Well see. Anyway, gonna take a nap. More soon!
Ok. I took an hour nap and it was perfect, despite the text messages. I at least feel like I rested. So back to Stephanie and Barb. Barb I guess used to be addicted to drugs. Which is part of why it upset her that Stephanie did what she did. She didn’t tell me that though (I guess she told Stephanie that in the middle of their fight). And supposedly the people they hang around are “bad influences” so Barb didn’t want to hang with them anymore but got mad that Stephanie did. Barb’s husband Jonathon--who is 10 years younger than her and they’ve been having so many problems that Barb has been making him sleep on the couch and planning on leaving him--heard Stephanie talking about cocaine so now he thinks he has the upper hand and he wants the divorce, and he’s gonna take the kids away and she can’t go out anymore or talk to any of us. He thinks she did drugs with Stephanie.. So yea that’s all that drama. I think Jonathon knows damn well that Barb didn’t do anything but just wants the odds back in his favor. He’s a real dick in my opinion. Ugh, I’m sleeping and crampy again and the muscle relaxer/pain killers didn’t help at all (last night). But whatever. I’ll take some alieve and drink a coke and hope for the best. So that’s all as far as Stephanie goes (and Barb, oops). What I don’t get is how this world got to a point where getting high is so important. I mean why would you want to live that way? Why even try it knowing there’s a chance you’ll get addicted and lead a crappy ridiculous life? I was so niave about drugs before my adiction to xanax. I’m still niave to it but omg--no one is invincible! You can’t go into it with the “just this one time” thought because it will become a permanent phrase in your head. It eventually turns into “I can quit any time I want.” Then before you know it, you’re lying, stealing, cheating, living on the streets, etc. Just for a 15 minute high that can kill you. I fail to see the amusement! /rant. Lol. I think I’ve said enough about all that. As for Cassandra, well she’s a whole other story. I am befuddled by myself as to why I so readily helped her get out of her apartment. She’s one person I just never clicked with. She’s a strong Christian woman, 21, who has a lot more to learn about the love of God and Jesus. I’m not the perfect Christian, either. I curse, I covet, I have sex before marriage, I bad mouth, I support gay rights. But if it’s one thing I feel I do right, it’s trying to be kind to others. I know I can be judgmental, damn I’m human! But I still try to be kind unless you just give me no reason to be. But Jesus spoke to everyone and showed everyone kindness. He didn’t talk down to people or make them feel like an idiot. Cassandra just acted like everyone was beneath her all the time. She came in all dressed up one day and told me I should tone down my red lipstick after I said I knew a lot about makeup. The comment just really stung because everyone tells me how much they like it and Cassandra comes along making me question how many people--if any--were just making fun of it. You know? But I found out more about her while I helped her and basically her husband is a controlling guy capable of abuse and he looks at porn and she wants out. She’s like a week away from her 2nd wedding anniversary which means she was 19 when she got married. I think she was just too young. But she was scared to leave so it’s good she got away. I’m just glad I won’t have to deal with her at work anymore. I told her she can always text me if she wants and she’ll keep me in mind she said, which means to me she’s not interested. I don’t know why I feel the need to offer a friendship to someone I can relate to in her circumstance when she’s never been very nice to me. It just seemed like something I needed to do. She did buy me lunch at Chick-fil-a and I let her. But it was just so awkward when we weren’t moving all her stuff anymore. She’s everything I’m not. Thin, pretty, smart, and confident. She has $$. I don’t. But yet she seems to have to treat me like I’m dirt. In some ways, I think I’m more easily hurt now than I was when I was younger. My oversensitivity drives Brian bananas, and me as well. I don’t know how to stop it though. I just am so sick of people being mean to me at work. I called out yesterday and Joey got mad at me because others called out so much and now he was going to have to find a replacement and he was going to start firing people over it. I said, You know, Joey, I seldomly ever call out.” He was like, “Oh I know but…” and I didn’t hear the rest because I was fuming. I wanted to say, “Look, I fill in all my days off and stay late for people and I haven’t called out in a while, so lecturing me isn’t right.” But God forbid I ever stick up for myself. I don’t want to lose my job. The whole thing really upset me though. I just do not like Lil or Joey. I’m not taking shit from people anymore. I’m so sick of not sticking up for myself. Brian says he doesn’t understand why I stick up for myself with him and not to anyone else. Good question. I wish I knew the answer, too. Lol. I just don’t. As for Brian and I, we’re ok for now but it took all day texting yesterday with him, telling him it was over etc etc for us to get there. We just have a lot of improvements to make. I have to quit resorting to “breaking up” when things are rough, and quit letting his past get to me. he needs to speak up and open up to me. Thinking of it being over with him hurts more than anything in this world, Rita and even more than it did with David. I also need to learn not to be so damn oversensitive. I hope he and I make it. Yesterday and the night before I had no faith. To me, it was over and I was trying to decide how to get past it. Today, I’m weary and a little reluctant but I do have hope and I do love him. I just hope it’s worth it. I really do because I can’t take another failure. I gotta go get ready for work. At least I get my paycheck but I probably won’t shop until next week. But I really need bras/panties/shoes/purse/wallet this time. Every week after that I can get other clothes.
I just hope I keep getting decent hours. Haha. Alright, time to quit dicking around.
love you,
me
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