8/13/12

8/13/12
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See?  More distractions.  I just want to finish this thing and if I get the writing part done this week, I can just finish the first section, slap everything in that 2nd section you are working on for me, and send this fucker off.  With the way things are working moneywise, my idea for the next NB may not work out.  I’ll make it work though.  Fuck it.  Anyway, good morning.  Happy missed of August when this should have been done.  Oh well.  At least I’m working on it lol.  I’m sure after work, I’ll have tons to tell you so that will help. So, yea.  I think Brody is growing up a little too fast.  But it’s a challenge not to overprotect your kid to the point that they’re going to grow up too sheltered and naive, or to let them grow up too fast.  Brian and I had that conversation last night and I made it clear i want to raise my kids differently.  I mean, I don’t care if they have a tv in their room, hooked up to a dvd/tape player, but no cable.  I don’t want them watching tv shows I don’t know about.  I mean, I don’t think that’s terrible.  They can watch tv in the living room but other than that…
Anyway, so I’m here at this useless job and when I came in I went to the back room since I had a little time, and then Lil came in.  She says, “Hi, Chelsea!”  All nice and shit.  So I was nice back and said hi.  I even gave her my condolences for her mom and she said she appreciated that.  I told her I wasn’t here so I couldn’t sign her card.  Anyway more later.  I have much to tell you.  I gotta get back to the last 2 ½ hours of this shithole.

Finally off work.  Thank you Jesus.  So, I can complain more now haha.  Lol, sorry.  So yea, Joey pretends to be this really nice guy but really he’s just a jerk.  He’s tall, dark haired, and has gorgeous eyes--not a bad looking guy.  In fact, pretty hot.  But so what?  Today, he told me to go recover the front, and if Stephanie needed me, she’d call me and then he proceeded to tell me how and why.  Sometimes I feel like saying, “hey jack ass, I’ve worked here longer.  I know how to do my job.”  I mean, I know he’s the store manager and it’s his job to delegate work, but don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.  Then, I did what he asked and waiting for Stephanie to call me when she had a line, and then he got mad that I didn’t just hop on.  I mean, really?  Then Stephanie was explaining to him how Red did returns and he says in front of both me and her, and customers:  “that’s why I got rid of her.  She’s useless.”  I just can’t believe how rude he was.  After work when I was going to count down, he felt the need to explain to me how 15 minutes before the end of our shift, we count down--like I didn’t know that.  I was like, “sometimes we don’t get the chance to do that here though.”  And he goes, “It won’t be like that with me here.”  And again, I wanted to smack him because he got so mad at me one day for reminding him--15 minutes before my shift was over---it was time to close my till.  *sigh* Then he got all worked up because I only had 1 buzz club.  He said he was so disappointed like 5 times.  God, we get shit on when we don’t don’t achieve crap, but we don’t get recognized when we do well.  What bullshit is that?  Plus he talks about how great the Delray store is and it’s like, “then why the hell did you apply for the Boynton Beach store manager?”  I don’t know, I just thought he’d be great and he’s not.  But enough.  Brian says I’m not there anymore so not to let it get to me.  I’m home now.  So enough of that.  Now, I can bitch about something else.  School, lol.  No, really, I don’t get why Palm Beach County school district sucks so bad.  Brody lives up the street, a minute and 30 seconds away from Plumosa School of the Arts and he was so excited about the visual arts program, but he can’t go because he’s not zoned.  So ridiculous.  Oh well, we’ll check into Trinity Lutheran and St Vincent’s for a scholarship and if that doesn’t pan out, then I guess Brody goes back to Forest Park elementary which Brody hates and Brian was not thrilled with. They don’t get ahold of the parents and let them know anything.  Ugh.  I think if I write some letters, my aggression may fade a little.  I thought about that a little.  So, here I go.  I really hope this helps.  Mom, Brian, David, Erica, and Big Lots.  That should do it!!!!!

8/13/12
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Dear Mom,
This is a letter you will most likely never get, but sometimes you just need to write out your feelings.  I feel angry all the time, especially lately.  I know you would tell me to pray to God and I’m sure you’re right.  I should.  But I also feel like there’s a lot of things in my life I’ve never confronted--and when I have with you, it’s always been in anger and my point isn’t made because I come across as oversensitive and melodramatic.  So I will write this while I am calm, cool, and collected.
I want to tell you first that I’m not trying to attack you.  I do love you, you are my mom!  But throughout my entire life, I have battled hurt and anger towards you.  First it was because of Rory.  I know he probably says you favored me because you had to pay attention to me due to my medical necessities and my learning disabilities.  What he fails to realize is that every time he hit me or kicked me or punched me--you never stuck up for me.  In fact I was often accused of antagonizing him.  I’m not saying that was never the case, I’m just saying he was very abusive to me mentally, physically, and emotionally.  You also seem to think I over exaggerate and make things up.  I don’t know why because that’s not the case.
--Rory was abusive to me
--I was raped by both Gabe and Jason
--I was treated horribly at school.

I don’t tell you things to get attention.  I told you I had sex with Gabe consensually because I was scared and it took talking to someone for me to understand and admit the truth.  When I told you what really happened though, you weren’t supportive.  You didn’t even believe me.  When I told you what kids used to do to me at school, you told me that wasn’t true.  When I told you things that happened to me in Ohio you acted like it was nothing, and when I told you again years later you wondered why I never told you.  It’s like you weren’t really listening to me.  Why?  And why would I lie about these things?  One year, Rory cancelled Thanksgiving plans to go to GA so David and I invited you and dad.  You agreed to come until Rory said he and Traci weren’t going after all.  You came by for 5 minutes and insulted how the apartment looked even though we’d worked hard to make it clean.
What I want is for you to acknowledge that you hurt me.  Don’t make excuses for it.  Just admit it.  I’m sorry for making your life hard and that we were never close.
Now, I want to know why it is such a chore to talk… to any of this family anymore.  That’s how dad feels and that’s how I feel too.  It hurts dad a lot when you don’t want to talk and when you get mad at him for how he feels about Rory--who you still stick up for.  He steals, lies and acts like a tyrant but to you he still does no wrong.
I know you’re hurt that dad won’t come be with you.  I wish I could change that for you.  I try to.  You guys should be together.  He’s hurt that you are there but understands you make more money.  he feels you ran away.  I think you guys should talk it out.  Stop the hurt!
I love you.

Love always,
Chelsea