February 16th, 2012

February 16th, 2012
10:49am

Hey Chels,
I'm sorry I haven't been writing so much.  I've just been keeping myself busy.  My cousin's was very fun.  We didn't talk about what happened, just mainly focused on having a good time which is what I needed.  I ended up going over to Sarah's for a while and then Geoff's and then home.  Sarah was still planning on going to see Barry but she wasn't going by herself.  George went with her.  I haven't spoken to her since then so I don't know how it went but I don't really want to know.  And I guess Sonny (her man) got pissed because I told her that I didn't think Barry was over her and she said she was worried about that, too.  The real story was that they tried it out (dating) but decided they were better off as friends so who knows how much of that "cheating" story is actually true.  He may have just gotten his feelings hurt and then moved onto me and realized how things really were with her.  But that's just a tiny window of what the real truth was, which is something I may never know.  But that's not as important as all the things I know that really are true.  I can't fill my head with anything other than what I already know.  I'm glad that I went over there and also glad that I went over to Geoff's.  He and his mom were both there and they let me cry and talk and all of that.  Geoff's mom was telling me not to talk to Korey or George again and to change my number but I'm not sure if I want to do that just yet.  But if I do change it I'm going to have to tell George not to say anything to Barry except like, "dude she changed her number and even I don't know what it is."  Apparently Barry doesn't believe that I'm done, either.  After he put me through all this shit even BEFORE he got arrested and letting me unknowingly be a part of all of this just makes me want to rip his head off and dribble it like a basketball.

I was with Monique on Tuesday (she drove me to Planned Parenthood) and we did this communication spell so that I could say whatever it was that I needed to.  As soon as we started it, I noticed 2 missed calls from George (this wasn't until later when I checked my phone) and a text telling me not to listen to my voicemail.  I did anyways and I heard some mumbled stuff and then, "it would be really nice to hear your voice."  I'm sure it would, asshole.  Even if he did manage to convince me that he wasn't using (which is a crock of shit considering all the signs were there), he still put me in a really shitty position and I don't even know how many times there was drugs in my car which pisses me off even more.  And he's acting like all of this would be okay with me.  Fuck him, he can rot in that jail cell for all I care.  For months I've been so worried about him and everytime I would open my heart it would get crushed.  Oh and if he was using in July that means that the first "I love you" was also a lie.  Because that happened on August 6th.  He was already having some withdrawl symptoms because a couple of days before I had left him with some water and didn't understand why he got so mad or why he wouldn't tell me exactly what he needed.  Because it wasn't water or air conditioning.  And how convenient to need my help right AFTER I leave and then make me feel guilty for doing that.  And then tell me you love me a couple days later.  Every time he has said that to me it's been a lie.  That's like a punch in the gut.  You don't do this to people you love.  You just don't.

Okay so ANYWAY--Monday I went to a support group.  When it was my turn to talk I don't know how I even got through it, but somehow I did.  Everyone else was either a parent or relative and I was the only young one.  But it felt good to talk.  I never realized how much of an epidemic heroin really is. I never thought I would have to worry about it.  Barry probably even smoked it in front of me when I thought it was just weed.  That's just a random thought going through my head right now.
Ugh sorry--every time I have a thought it gets deflected and then I go on a tingent about stupid Shithead and waste more energy on that.  I know you don't care, but I do.

11:42am