7/23/12

7/23/12
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Hi… so grrr my back is not doing any better.  I may need to really sign up for Health Care District and get a referral for a doctor to look at my feet and my back.  *sigh* I’m hungry too but I don’t feel like going downstairs yet for food.  I need a body stretcher to stretch me out. Lol.  So today is just a NBS day. I’m going to write as much as possible and tomorrow same thing plus work on the first section.  I want this thing done and out of the way!  Hey, how do you feel about Patsy on Instant Star?  I never ever liked her.  Still, it makes me very sad the way she leaves the show.  And Jamie blaming Jude for the death?  Blegh.  Pisses me off.  Stupid Jamie.  Lol.  Ugh I have to go get my medicine today but on the plus side, classic roast beef sandwiches are 64 cents at Arby’s today.  Brian and I will probably go there for lunch.  We’ll see.  Last night Rory made this amazing caramel corn last night from scratch.  He’s such a prick but boy can he cook.  He really should put his shitty habits to rest, take some business courses and either open a restaurant or market his recipes.  He could be so much.  He was always smarter than me, and more creative.  I mean, why can’t he use it for good?  I will never understand how he became such a jackass.  He hates women, but why?  My mother did nothing but excuse his bad habits, favor him, and put him on a pedestal.  So what gives?  I really never have met a bigger asshole than Rory.  I’m sure that he’s had some very tragic/hard things happen due to the drugs and alcohol but no one will ever know what happened to him because he’d really never be willing to talk.  He’d rather be an ass.
I don’t want to make excuses for him, anyway.  I know I’m not too nice to people when I go through things and people say I’m moody so I guess they could be right, but at least I apologize.  Pffffft.  Alright, I’m not sure Brian would appreciate me writing this but I’m trying to get a notebook done.  So, he’s trying to get a $2500-$5000 loan from his dad’s bank through his dad so we can get our LA plane tickets, pay some of his stuff off, get him some clothes, and maybe put some money down for a place.  (I guess that means we’re staying in Palm Beach.  I’m starting to feel like my mom where I just want O-U-T of here.)  I hope it works!  I figured he’d be back here by now.  Ugh, I don’t feel good.  I need food and a massage therapist.  I’m not waiting for Brian anymore, I’m gonna go get food.  I think I’ll bring this with me and write while I eat.  I made--well warmed up--pasta with pesto and garlic I made last night.  Even Rory says it’s good.  Ha!  I can cook.  I still don’t understand why the cookies we made turned out like bricks!  I can bake I swear!  Jesus H Christ (where did the H come from when people say that anyway?)  My back is NOT in good shape.  I was telling Stephanie yesterday that I wonder if I have an old injury to my back.  Maybe from that first car accident with my ex husband.  He supposedly broke his back.  I’m the one who rolled into the dashboard and cracked it, though.  I’ll really just have to speak to a Dr about it.  So Tobi decided to come sit and be annoying in my lap.  He’s going to be 9 this year.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.  I got him, met David, moved away, moved back, stayed with him another couple years, then he left me.  Then two years later we were divorced and two years after that, here I am with Brian.  I hope he and i will remain happy together forever.  I don’t want to go through it again.  I really need shit to write about lol.  Oh!  Wanna hear something from work yesterday? Brittany needed a price check on a pillow and febreeze spray, and Stephanie needed a price check for a nail file--all at the same time so i went and got it all at once and Brittany was like, “Wow that was quick!”  Stephanie jokingly says, “Wow you’re being very productive today!” And I did this really fake laugh and all the cashiers plus the customers laughed so hard.  It was great.  I love making people laugh unless they’re laughing at me.  I know Stephanie was only kidding because it’s an inside joke between her, Barb, and I.  Cassandra said that to Stephanie one day, really snottily--like she’s never productive or something and we’ve joked around about it ever since.  Lol.  It’s fun!  Look, I finally said something positive about people.  How sad is it that I don’t have many positive things to say anymore.  There are so few people I want to be around.  Brian thinks he alienated me or influenced me not to like people but that’s not the case.  Maybe I have an inability to handle more than one close friend but usually if I do make room, there’s always one person who wants to monopolize my time.  When I stopped talking to you in 2008, I wasn’t trying to replace you with Erin, but I think I did.  I needed an outsider, and she willingly just kind of squeezed in there and took over.  Life can be so weird sometimes.  I just don’t have room for negativity anymore which is why Erica is no longer in my life.  I think she has my Supernatural and Friends DVDs but she can just keep them because I don’t need her in my life.  I feel like if I text her to ask, she’ll just want answers and never go away. I did check on her from Brian’s Facebook once just yesterday and she seems good.  So that’s good.  She’s in a relationship with Greg and seems to have new friends.  Our friendship only lasted a year and a half but I think I killed it first when I slept with Rich and she severed it continuously with her lies, also.  Sometimes, it’s not that you aren’t meant to be in someone’s life, it’s that you’re meant to be there for only a short time.  You should always learn something from a person whether it’s good or bad.  From Erica,I learned a friendship should never be toxic, a friendship should never be a chore, and there’s a limit to the mistakes you can make.  Maybe not a number of them but the severity of them for sure.  Erica and I were toxic to each other from the get go.  She’s a pathological liar and possessive, and obsessive.  It got to the point where it felt like a chore to be friends with her.  I never believed a word she said and she was always crying about Rich and playing a victim and I had to work to be positive for her when others simply gave up.  The severity of me sleeping with Rich and not only lying about it for months but making her feel bad about it for every time she accused us… That was the worst.  I didn’t make just a mistake, I made a conscious bad decision to hurt her, whether Rich was “guilting” me into it or not, and I did it over and over and over.  I regret it but not at the extent that I did before, you know?  (crap my dad is home, I hope I can still write).  Anyway, I haven’t spoken to Erica in 6 weeks.  I wonder if she didn’t want to be friends with me or if she figured out i wanted nothing to with her any longer.  Oh well who cares.  Right?  It’s nice to write about. I feel like I haven’t really learned anything (yet) from Jess, Eric, Nicole, or anyone else I talk about really.  Ryan Mac taught me unconditional love.  I knew what it was before him, but I hadn’t really experienced it.  Whatever I had with David Sims was not unconditional love.  It was mental illness through and through. Did he teach me anything?  That’s such a good question.  If he did, I don’t know what it was.  Maybe not to get married when things are upside down, thinking it will change.  Maybe he taught me to think things through before just jumping into them head first.  He taught me that myself is so important that I should never let anyone use me for anything and I should never let a person turn my world into a hell.  he also taught me marriage is hard work, and vows aren’t to be taking lightly.  Lastly, he taught me that sometimes no matter how hard you try, things just don’t work out, and it’s not, no it doesn’t make you a complete failure.  Lastly, he taught me that even when you want to, sometimes you just can’t be friends with your ex.  That’s ok with me.  He just wants to use me, anyway.  David gave me good things too though.  Well one major good thing about David… that was Winter Grace.  I never loved a child more than I loved Winter.
We still talk, but it’s so seldom now.  I knew this time would come, where talking with her slowed down.  I always figured it would be when she was a teenager though and had no time for her first stepmother.  Sometimes I wonder if David will step up to the plate and she’ll get close to Jessica and forget all about me.  Truth be told, it’s more me than Winter who has slowed the talking down.  I’m not sure why though.  I don’t love her any less (in fact she’s texting me while I write this).  In fact, it was Winter, not Ryan Mac, who taught me unconditional love.  For the first time I knew what it felt like to be a mom.  I know it’s even more different when you birth the child, but for now, that’s the only motherly feelings I have, that I know of, and it’s very overpowering.
Grrrrrr my back.  I just want a real massage and an adjustment.  My stretches aren’t helping at all.  Oh yay!  Bunheads is on!  I love Bunheads!  But you already know that.  Lol.
Omg I wish I had strong painkillers!

Man oh man.  Oh I feel like crap over this.  In happy “discussion” I really can’t wait to go shopping.  I’m starting with shoes first, and bras/underwear.  Then I’ll do exercise clothes/pajamas and jeans/shorts.  Then skirts/dresses/blouses.  Then purse and whatever else I wrote that I needed. We’ll see.  I wonder what is taking Brian so long to come back.  It’s our only day off together and he’s been at his parents’ house all day.