11:06pm
Hey Chels!
Wow what a crazy day. On the one hand, I got my big tax refund check so not only do I get to enjoy myself on my DC trip, I get to get my car looked at and fixed up, which I am just SO thrilled about. And on the other hand, seeing that Barry was in my town and he was so close to me sent me into a near panic. I felt like a mad woman imagining scenarios in my head of him coming here and me telling him off and all of that. I am just praying that doesn't happen because I don't want to hear whatever bullshit excuses he has to say for himself.
And I've come to a conclusion about Larry, too. In the beginning he would just tell me all of these things that were so nice to hear. Then we were together for a couple of weeks and now we just decided to be friends. As much as I like him, I feel like I have to let go of him for right now. I can't keep saying things to him and getting nothing back. I mention that I miss him and I don't hear anything back. He doesn't even say good morning to me. I have to be the one to say something. And he doesn't even talk to me on facebook chat anymore. I don't necessarily fel like it's anything against me but at the same time I'm wondering why he's not saying those things anymore. But in my heart I know it's because he doesn't want to put his heart into something when I'm still going through all of this. I just want to see him again and hopefuly we can have a conversation about it. But I'm just resigned to the idea that now's not the best time for romantic intentions. I'm not letting go of my feelings for him. But if he wants me he's going to have to show me. I think one day soon I will ask if he remembers what he said and if he still meant it. But I don't even know what that answer would prove considering I'm not ready for anything and we both know that. Like I said, I can't wait until my vacation. I am most likely going to turn my phone off most of the time unless I want to take some pictures but that's what my digital camera is for. I just want to get away and clear my head. Seriously I don't even know why I'm even worried about another guy right now.
Once I know for sure what to expect from Barry (if he's going to be out or in jail for a while) I'll feel a lot better. I'm okay with whatever as long as I KNOW for sure.
I told him I would never date another addict. The second he put that needle in his arm, he became one. And then to say that I knew he was using? It's like such a huge slap in the face. He would sit there and listen to me talk about my exes and he just sat there and said nothing because if he did he knew it was over. And then people would know because they would ask what happened and I sure as FUCK am not going to cover for him. Just like when Brian attacked me. I didn't cover for him, either. I covered for him too many times.
I'm gonna take the next couple of months and just focus on myself (mostly what I've been doing). I'm just going to let things run their course and not worry about what "should" or "shouldn't" be happening. I'm not ready for a relationship so I shouldn't even be acting like I need to hear certain things because right now it doesn't even matter. Even if he (Larry) did still like me, he couldn't do anything about those feelings right now anyway so it's kind of mean for me to expect him to be all up my butt right now.
I also know that if I just wait a bit, all will be revealed anyways. So... this is me NOT worrying about it anymore.
<3,
me
12:04am
4/10/12
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