12:11am
Hey Chels,
How are you doing today? Honestly, and I know this is silly, but I'm kind of worried about you. After your "break up" with two guys, I hardly hear from you, and after you send that text thanking everyone for being in your life, I never hear from you. Granted, I know I could text you, but it's a weird response to what we were talking about before. Honestly, I think it's a great way to start off a new year. I know it must have been a very difficult decision, at least with Ryan, and I'm wondering how much of it is true or if you are again lying to cover up your true feelings (lying by saying you're over him, which I believe is completely acceptable. You fought the good fight and forgave a LOT of things and in the end, yeah he was upset but did he fight for you or beg you to reconsider? I'm guessing that if he did, I would be hearing about it soon. I'm not saying any of this to be mean or judgmental. But it's a real eyeopener when the one thing you were holding onto with the jaws of life just let you let him go. Athough, as I'm writing this, I'm hearing the words "don't give up on me," over and over again. Not sure what that means, but I felt it was right to include it.
Of course, I don't begrudge you happiness. And it seems like, at the moment anyhow, you are filled with an incredible inner peace. You have been hurting for such a long time, it's about time you take off the blinders and start seeing the woman you have become. I am not sure how much of this positivity is real right now but it makes me so happy that you are embracing yourself in light and love and I pray that it will continue.
Anywho, today was fun. I got to drive Barry to a meeting that went really well and took him home, cleaned the turtle tank (for real this time), and went to this memoir writing workshop, which is really cool. Tomorrow I am driving Barry again and hopefully studying. You know... there is something that's kind of been bothering me. In the beginning of our relationship he said something about having a problem with taking advantage of people (I don't think this is just people he's in a relationship with). Now, I have been driving him around because most of the time I'm able to, but I feel like he is overcompensating for being grateful because he goes out of his way to say thank you a whole bunch of times. Which I appreciate but I dunno. Taking advantage of me would be like not asking first, just expecting me to take him everywhere, saying we're going one place then dragging me to other places, making me feel like I couldn't say no, or not giving me gas money when he can (which he always does). So I'm not saying that he IS taking advantage of me, I think he feels like he doesn't want to so he overcompensates. But I really do not want him to resent me for helping him. If anything, by helping him get places for work, I'm helping him get money, which will help greatly in buying a new car and then I won't have to drive him around anymore. I still would if I wanted to but it will be nice when I don't have to.
I have loved helping him out but I really hope it doesn't come to bite me in the ass.
<3,
me
12:48am
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