1 remnants
2 Bad Company
3 Caught Up In You
4 Reflections Of The Heart
5 Little Box Of Rain
6 Intimidating
7 Intoxication 2
8 Awaken
9 Inside This Dream
10 Unfinished Lines
11 The Journey
12 Turn The Page
13 Unraveled
14 Outside Looking In
15 Reflections
16 By Morning
17 The Weeping Red Rose
18 Forever Freedom
19 Candle's Grace
20 Losing My Breath
21 Fairy tales Don't Exist
22 Weeping Willow
23 What Was And What Could Be
24 Gravity
25 Yes, My Love
I think that's a good amount to the 19 I have already, Maybe I'll do an extra 6 just to make it an even 50. Yeeaaaa. I think I will haha.
26 Cheek To Cheek
27 Wind, Soul
28 In The Moment
29 Midnight Silhouette
30 Lucky Star
31 Life is a symphony
There. The number of my age I'll be this year. So, I also like Bad Company which also fits into the butt rock category LMAO. Geeze. It sounds derogatory but whatever . I LOVE BUTT ROCK AND I AM NOT ASHAMED. So there.
So, what else. Hmm. Need things to write about. It's 10 PM and I want to write as much as I can in the next few hours. Seriously, I want to close this chapter. It has been a rough year. From the time I started this to now. Just work, "friendships" failing, the Stewart bullshit, fights with Rory, finances, bad holidays, my health, my ferret, IRS money, moving, those kinda things. I mean, I have had rougher years. STILL! And who knows what's in store for me in the next year. We have moving, finding jobs and dealing with my health, as well as wedding planning, and not to mention all the in between things. I'm nervous, terrified, and excited as well. And I will take your advice to just be simple and and just write a little bit and see how far I get so I don't bite off more than I can chew. We will definitely see though. I wonder what stuff this week will bring. I hope we get our money so I can put in my notice, This time I will wait for it to be in the bank LMAO. Or at least when we're sure it's coming,
Man I am so nervous that my telling Summer about the info I received from Stacey about Dianne [um, deann?] will cause drama. Damn, Did I ever even finish writing about that? No, I don't think so but now you pretty much know the rest. HAHA. I don't want her mad at me because working with her will suck. Summer just had a right to know in my opinion. Summer asked how Stacey even got that information and I said I don't know, she didn't tell me that. Summer told me Stacey also starts her fair share of drama as well. The thing is, everyone thinks Stacey is the tattle tale at Little Folks. Maybe she is, IDK. All I know is, I have a feeling Summer is going to ask Stacey and Stacey will know it came from me. I'm not going to lie about it either. I kind of wonder if she only told me to see if I would say anything or maybe she told me hoping I would tell Summer so she could prove she's not the tattle tale everyone thinks she is, and it's actually me. Maybe she won't even care and I am overthinking everything as usual. But this is how much I don't trust anyone anymore and partially why I can't wait to get out. The funny thing is on Friday, Dee showed up to enroll her nephew. I don't think she would try to enroll him if she was leaving. I am also worried that if Stacey was mad at me, she'll tell Roberta I was worried that she lied straight to my face and thus cause drama there as well. I think I'm just done talking to females honestly LOL. Except you, obviously. I'm too old for this crap so I just need to watch what I say and who I say it to. I think I have some growing up to do in that department, but at least I see that. So that's another goal; to drop the petty bullshit. So we have:
-Get Insurance
-Get Primary Doc
*Get endocrinologist and get thyroid under control
*get ob\gyn and make sure my "piping" is working right.
*get gastroenterologist and fix me!
-change lifestyle diet\exercise
-lose weight
-work on patience\happiness
-drop negative petty bullshit.
Speaking of the last one, I messaged David to wish him and Jes a happy Easter and happy anniversary. [Why I remember THEIR anniversary, I wish I knew.] I also asked about Winter, Lynne, Michael, Jack, and Jes' daughter, Bella. I am just so sick of being so angry and hateful towards him honestly. I want to move on and have that anger lifted. So I'm going to try. I in no way want to be friends with him so hopefully he won't get that idea. Honestly, I hope he knows how Winter is- for her sake and his own. I hope he at least talks to her and attempts a relationship with her. I still wish I knew what I went through all that hell for just for him to abandon her completely. I sometimes wonder, if I hadn't left Ohio, would he still be a dad to her like he used to be at one point? Maybe I should have sacrificed myself for her. It's not necessarily me beating myself up, honestly. Just things I wonder, and ok yea, I feel guilty. Whatever is going on with my Angel Face, I hope she's happy. I can't believe she's 12.
Dear David,
Sometimes I think about the day we met and our first few months together. It's crazy how different things got in Ohio. Maybe we both became completely different people- monsters. I feel like the first 6 months we were together were magic, really. The minute I moved to Ohio though, everything just changed. POOF! We had good times, and I tried so hard to hold on to those times, build off of them. I dreamed things would get better- so I married you despite how hard things were between us already.
I wanted someone who loved me so much that they would stick up for me, even to their own mom. I wanted someone to love me so much that they would remain faithful to me even when things were rough. I wanted a best friend to lay in bed with me and make me laugh, talk about our days, tell me I was beautiful, and tell me everything was going to be okay if we just stuck together. I don't remember you telling me I swas beautiful, but I don't remember complimenting you either. You failed me in so many ways, and it hurt so much when you acted surprised by that. I failed you too, and for that I am sorry. I was childish and mean often, I left you in Ohio, and I went to see Ryan. I know that was hurtful. I wish I knew why I thought he was any better. It was just easier to escape to a more innocent time in my life than deal with all the pain in our marriage. I was never once unfaithful to you though. You were, however, unfaithful to me. You cheated on me, you stole my settlement money, you abandoned me in Georgia, you used me as your sex toy/slave, and you ran away and abandoned our marriage. Sometimes, I still feel so broken and dirty over it. Sometimes I feel like our our relationship was a bad nightmare. Except for Winter. I truly loved her and hope more than anything that now, these days finds you trying to be a dad to her. I can't believe that next month will be 10 years since I met Winter in Ohio. She was just two years old and I fell in love instantly. You created a wonderful, beautiful child and I hope you truly come to know her and have a relationship with her. I am tired of being hurt and angry over you after so many years. I was born a happy girl and I want that part of myself back. I want so much to move on- and I have in so many ways. I don't hate you anymore and I am ready to forgive you. You haven't said you were sorry for what you put me through and you likely never will. The easy thing for me would be to hold my anger and hatefulness for you forever. But it's not healthy for me, so I forgive you.
I am happy you and Jes have found happiness together.
I too have found what I always wanted.
Brian loves me so much that he always sticks up for me. If I'm wrong, he tells me. But that's okay because he's never hurtful about it.
I have a best friend who lays in bed with me and makes me laugh and we talk about our days, and sometimes he even tells me that I am beautiful. Pretty soon, we will be married. I never thought I would be able to do that again- but here I am. I'm happy with him- so happy.
Thank you for setting me free. I hope you can forgive me as well.
Always,
Chelsea
Dear Winter
12 years old. Wow. I bet you are such a beautiful young lady. 10 years ago next month I met you. You changed my life- for the better. Suddenly I was responsible for this little human I didn't get to birth or create- sadly. You are the reason I wanted things to work out with your dad. You are the reason I want to be a mom, and you are the reason for any and all of my happiness in Ohio. You were the light in my life, Winter. Thank you. I'm sorry I left. I hated leaving you, baby. I always thought I would see you again after the summer you came to visit. Your dad and I just didn't work together too much longer after that. 1 1/2 year that's it. So much happened between the summer you came to visit and when your dad and I finally parted. Some of it was his fault, some of it was mine. But I loved that you still called me. I miss talking to you and hearing about your life.
I know that you are going to grow into a beautiful smart teenager and woman. I wish I was a part of that but just know I still look you up from time to time.
I miss you!
Love,
Chelsea
I need to print out some stuff and put it in here. Ugh, of course it's not working. Dumb printer. Grrrrr. Oh well. Well! Hwere's lyrics to another song me likes:
[Jason Derulo TALK DIRTY LYRICS]
wow. I am actually on this page. So close to being done it's scary. Ugh. It's 2:51 AM I am only now strarting to get sleepy but I had too much candy and I am just like uuugggggggggh. WHY can't I turn down sugar? This is going to be my worst enemy while I try to restore my health. :-\ Now I have heart burn. Ugh. The good news is that my pain and discomfort was mild most of the day. I had trouble at the grocery store earlier and while I was at the Easter egg hunts with Stephanie and Gabby but I got through it. I think my nappy nap helped.
Okay, so lessons learned in this notebook:
GLUE= BOGUS
TAPE= MY FRIEND.
I think I just get glue happy. LOL.
A little goes a long way, right? I am such a newbie still.
NOOB! NOOB! noob noob noob. omg and I am such a nerd. Haha.
So, Brian put leperchaun on. Jennifer Aniston is in it. She is so young though. In the beginning she is wearing the CUTEST dress. Blue, white polka dots. So fuckin cute. I'm not gonna lie, I miss 90's fashion. LMAO. This movie is so dumb, so ridiculous.
I am finally getting really tired, but I am determined to finish tonight so I can focus on poetry tomorrow. BTW feel free to use any of those topics. I may not do them all, but either way- have at it.
Damn! I am hungry at 3:30 AM!!!! NOT GOOD! I should really go to bed soon. Girl, no rest for the wicked! I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD! [random magazine cut outs]
Well my love, I have finally come to the end of this particular journey and NB. I am so sorry it's all over the place and not what I initially had planned. It matched my year though lmao. I have to tell you,.. thank you for all your encouragement and patience throughout this booger. The NB has truly come to mean a lot to me. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to share my life with you in this form. I want you to know how proud of you I am for everything you do and accomplish. You amaze and inspire me on a daily basis and I am proud to have you as my maid of honor when my special day with Brian gets here. I can't wait! I can hardly believe I got to the end of volume 13!!!
I still think it's stranger that this MFER has 256 pages in it lmao.
So how about that? I started this thing on Easter and I'm finishing it on Easter as well. It worked out this way for a reason! So, way to come full cycle!
Happy Easter, my love. Thank God that JESUS HAS RISEN. Thank you Lord for sending Jesus, for giving your son to atone for my sins. Thank you for healing his every wound and mine. Thank you for my Rita Bo Bita!
Love Always
Chels