June 18th, 2012

June 18th, 2012
7:08pm

Hey Chels,
What up?  Me... not much.  But today was interesting.  I worked on nbs practically all day until I left to help set up the booth for Swedish Days (I'm working from noon to whenever on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), then I went to the library and had a little fight with the return box, and came home. Now I am watching Dawson's Creek.  Man alive I love this show!  Oh... and I decided to add a few things to the nb... I should print them out before I forget.  Hold on.  Lol well... that was an experiment. I get these 3 in the mail (well--e-mail)... Tarot.com, dream decoder, and dogscopes.  I thought they would be cute to print out.  So... I'm looking at the stuff to actually print out and my dad comes in and sees me on the computer and FREAKS!  Not too badly, but I tell him to chill because I'm just going to print some stuff out and be on my way.  But he was FUMING, lol.
So... normally I do 3 cards when I do a reading, but I think I'm gonna just do one card for like 6 days and either Saturdays or Sundays do like i did yesterday.  But from now on I'm gonna set it up nicer so it doesn't look so strange.  So... I think I'm gonna work on organizing my stuff so I can really do this. Will write more later!

<3,
me

7:39pm

June 17th, 2012

June 17th, 2012
1:46pm

Hey Sweets!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!  Lol I know you're not a dad, but you have one so... yeah.  So... big surprise, "lover boy" never showed up last night.  I waited until 2:30am and then just went to sleep.  It really is his loss though and I shall make him PAY!  Haha.  So... I'm trying to decide if I want the music stuff in THIS nb or wait till my next one.  Hmmm....I want to see if I can keep up with it first, lol.
So... today for Father's Day we are going to Lonestar and MAYBE seeing a movie, either Snow WHite or MIB3.  I'm okay with either one.  But he's taking a nap right now so I thought it would be a PERFECT time to do some tarot cards/power thought cards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Power Thought Cards
-------------------
I am safe; it's only change

I cross all bridges
with joy and ease.
The "old" unfolds into
wonderful
new experiences.
My life gets better all the time.

Tarot cards
-----------
I seem to get the community card everytime I use this deck.  I get the feeling that I'm supposed to be meeting lots of new people this year and that I'm safe in groups.  The main thing that this card makes me think of is the support group I'm already in.  Next week is Swedish Days and I'm going to be helping with that as much as I can.
As for the Ace of Swords card, it was reversed when I pulled it which gives me 2 feelings.  That one, the sword was literally pointed towards me, and that I have overcome a huge obstacle. There's white light around the unicorns which to me is the "crown chakra" that is opening up.  I feel that this card symbolizes the fighter in me and the light overcoming darkness.

The second group of cards is celebration/joy guides and the two of rods, which I feel is also a very positive card.  These together signify the joy I feel in every single day and letting the world know I am still here and no matter what life throws at me, I am going to remember to find the joy that each day brings.  That is also something I learned in my support group as a coping mechanism.

In the two of rods picture, the warrior is on the top of a mountain with a sphere in his hand, which I feel is "the world."  And after this thing happened to me a few months ago, it has taken me almost this long to feel like I conquered something.  But this card is here reminding me that any victory, even the small ones, is still a victory and I should be proud of how far I've come.
In this last pairing of cards, I got psychic awareness and death.  Hmmm... it's always a little scary to get the death card because you never know if it's a literal one or a figurative one.  But in this case I feel like it is a figurative one, that a part of me had to die for me to feel more psychically aware.  And I feel like a part of me did die this year. The person who I was before.  I am still that person and I will always remember her but there was the girl who was in love with this guy and then a tragic thing happened and she got split in half.  and now... I still remember that girl, but I can't be her anymore.  Also, the relationship I once had is dead and gone and it has to be.  I can't have one single connection to it.  But I'm still going to be friends with Stephanie (his cousin).

Alright, that's it for now.  I am going to type up the card meanings and print them out and put them in here (yay)!  So... that will be on the next couple of pages.

<3,
me

2:30pm

June 16th, 2012

June 16th, 2012
12:38am

Hey Chels,
Well, today was actually a very good, productive day.  I did some random things that my mom wanted me to do, cleaned my turtle tank (just changed the water out because it was DISGUSTING), and spent the rest of the day working on your nb, which I finished!  I'm gonna see how I like it and then do the rest of my notebooks in the same way.  It was only 78 pages!  So... if I had all my notebooks as 78 page books, imagine all the space I could save!  As it is, I have 2 whole shelves that are my notebooks plus a tub filled so... I have quite a few areas that could use some room.  And then I have your nb, and a nb I am still trying to get back from Bev (she has had a crapload of things going on so I'm not holding it against her that I haven't gotten my nb back from her yet).  I am going to need volume 6 back but only to copy the actual journal stuff...and then I will send the originals back to you.  So.... yay!  I am all kinds of excited about this.  Some journals I haven't opened since the last time I wrote in them, so it's been quite a while.  A lot of it will be hard to read.  But before I'm 30, I want to get all my notebooks published, even if I'm the only one reading them.

So....I talked to my friend Steven tonight.  I really like him but he lives all the way in Virginia.  He keeps talking about coming to see me so maybe this summer we can make that happen. We have actually known each other since 2001.  He stopped talking to me for 5 whole years because he was with this girl named Ashley but they're separated now.  He had been trying to come out here before but I'd never let him because he was married.  But she has a boyfriend now so... it's not like I would have to deal with her being all crazy.  I dunno about having sex with him, the trip would be more about just getting to meet each other in person for the first time.  But I'm not putting any pressure on myself to "make anything happen."  But I will tell you that I might just give him a big ol' kiss right smack on the lips when I see him because... well... he's him.  And the best part is that I'm single so it's allowed.  So ha!  I'm not getting my hopes up too much, but I really hope that gets to happen.

Alright, snuggles and YouTube time!  Squee!

<3,
me

1:01am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:20pm

Hey Chels,
Woot woot!  What a Saturday!  I didn't even get changed out of my nightgown, just chilled in my room and worked on nbs.... I actually got pretty far.  I'm on page 38 already.  I can't wait to finally get that book out to you.  And soon I will be getting paid so... soon when I'm not busy I will be studying AND nbs.  And that is how I will be spending the majority of my summer.  When I'm not out doing stuff.  By the end of this summer I want to finally have everything on that website that I need so  I can make up my study guide and go through it a couple of times before forking over the money to take the test.  And I just want to see how many notebooks I can get through and publish.  But I want to take breaks and enjoy myself and the beautiful days of summer.

So yeah... guess who I heard from today... Danny!  He is out with his friends but we are supposed to have a "date" later on tonight.  I think the last time we talked I was still with Barry and felt bad "fooling around" or whatever but you know what... it's the internet, and I'm single!  And between Steve last night and Danny tonight, I even thought of something.  I could do everything right and be 100% faithful to someone I'm not even with and don't really know if I will ever be with, or I could have fun with guys that live far away and I don't have to worry about either one of them being up my ass.  But I dunno, sometimes I think it would be awesome if I ended up with Steve.  he is the one I would have lost my virginity to if we had ever met in person before this point, and I'm pretty sure that we would still be together now.  The thing with "you know who" is that I DO like him, but who knows if he's going to be smart or not.  He could be a complete moron and decide to not even bother with me as anything more than a friend, which would be unfortunate--for him.  But if that means that I eventually end up with Steve then... yay :).  But this time around I'm not gonna push for a relationship or just be in one... the next guy I pick is going to be someone special.  It's nice that this time I have 2 choices of guys I've known for YEARS that are good guys and wouldn't be mad at hate me if I didn't pick them.  Steve has even talked about moving here so I know that if we decided to be together, I wouldn't have to move away from my family again.  BUT!  I'm happy that I don't have to choose and tonight I can have fun with someone I've accepted to be only an internet sexy partner type thing and no potential anything other than that.  And I know I very well could just pick any random guy from around here and just have "fun" just to have it but you know, that's not what I really want.  I want to enjoy being single and not have to choose anyone until I know the time is right.

Well, it's almost 10 and I want to relax for a bit and not do anything for a while before my "date."  And if you're lucky, I will write about it tomorrow :).

<3,
me

9:53pm

June 15th, 2012

June 15th, 2012
12:32am

Hey Chels,
I'm so glad I got to talk to you today.  I have missed you so much!  But I know that you're sick so I'm not going to hold it against you if I don't hear from you as often.

So, today I was inspired to rededicate my tarot card deck so I'm going to start doing readings in here again (or at least mini readings).  I had planned on doing that before and it never got done so... I'm gonna see if I can start fresh now.  Same as with everything else.  And if I run out of room then I'll just get a new nb.  I mean, i'm making these into books for you anyway so I can keep writing and doing whatever if I want to.  I have decided that once I'm done with your books and I see how they've turned out, I'm gonna make more books out of all my notebooks because frankly, I don't have room for all of them.  And if I have no way of saving a picture or article I'll rip it out of the actual nb and make a NEW nb out of it.  I feel like these notebooks are my destiny in a way and I would like to preserve them as best as I can.  i still have my own journals, but there's more on LJ than anything.
So.... I do remember something I had forgotten before about Monique's reading.  She said that she saw the warrior Joan of Arc surrounding me, which is awesome because as crazy as this sounds, I have actually felt like I have gone through a messy battle of my own and I survived.  Granted, she got burned at the stake, but her legacy will always be around.  And I felt like she was right there with me, picking me up and pushing me to be strong.  Of course there is God too, I'm not saying He wasn't there.  He is always there.  But I felt her spirit STRONGLY, especially in my decisions to say goodbye.
Also, Monique told me that she saw me on the top of a mountain with blood running down it, like there was definitely some symbolic bloodshed from this fight, but that in my case the blood moreso represented "crawling my way out blood and fire," and also rebirth.  Also, she said that when all this happened to me I stabbed myself and that halted everything--creativity, relationships, even sex.  Basically anything that moves me or makes me feel strong emotions.  But I'm slowly taking it out, allowing the blood to flow through my veins again and I'm slowly getting back into myself.  Oh--and that I'm becoming the person I've always wanted to be and things are coming together for me in my life.  Oh--and the fay wants me to do more magic. Well, okay fine :).

Mostly I just feel like I've been through hell and a part of me doesn't know what to do if I'm not constantly obsessing about something.  But I'm going to make a conscious effort to meditate more and clear my mind of the bullshit.  Because this is my time and I'm missing it.  Cuz one day I'll be in a relationship again and I don't want to regret not taking real time out for myself while I had the chance.

well my dear it's my bedtime.  Gotta brush my teeth, comb my hair out, and watch some Olga Kay until I fall asleep.

<3,
me

12:59am

June 14th, 2012

June 14th, 2012
12:19am

Hey Chels,
OMFG what a day!  I am so exhausted but I need to write about all of this before I go to sleep.  So, my day started off by talking to Nichole for a bit.  I declined to go to the baby shower but I still want to get her something so I asked for her address and we got to talking.  She said that she always liked the fact that I'm a good friend and I care about people.  I said that I hated leaving you guys (the kids) but I just couldn't be with Mike anymore and I'm so glad that she saw past what everyone else didn't.  I am so thankful that I get a second chance at friendship with her and see her get to be a mom as well.  At least the guy she's with isn't a total douche so maybe I can see her more than once?  Who knows.  I'm just glad SOMEONE from my old life even wants me around.  I'd be okay if no one did but my heart would hurt a SHIT TON more.  It's so hard to be attached to children and then have to leave and the worst part is that you can't even explain why you're gone because it's not your "real" family.  Except in Barry's case I got closer to his cousin Stephanie after he went to jail.
But anyway--ugh I am so tired!  I'm sorry but I have to cut this short but thankfully I will have time tomorrow to finish my story and get some new nbs ready.

Oh--Monique and I did talk about Larry and we both came to the conclusion that I'm just not ready yet.  But like... if it gets later in the year and he's still "too busy" for me then fine.  She said that he had been trying to figure out how to fit me into HIS life but not really thinking about how he would factor into mine.  I actually had the same thought and I said that when the time is right, we will fit into each other's lives.  And if we don't, then oh well.  But you know what--at least *I* am willing to wait and *I* won't be the reason why we aren't together.  It will be because he's a moron.  But... this isn't anything new, she was validating everything I had been writing about in here--putting my romantic life on hold while I heal, not feeling sexual at all, extremely self protective--all of which is perfectly normal to feel which is a relief to hear.  I just dunno why I would get shown how great things could be with Larry just to have it end--I really hope that gets picked up again.

Alright--and on THAT note, I'm going to pee (again) and then tucking myself in to watch some Olga Kay videos (if I don't crash first).

<3,
me

12:44am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:27am

Hey Chels,
ugh I am up so early!  Sometimes I can go back to sleep and other times I just can't.  But I wanted to write about something that was on my mind. A part of me thinks I should try and just get over Larry.  I mean, he went from being all about me to not talking to me at all.  Since I've actively stopped talking to him he hasn't texted me once besides to answer me back.  It really sucks because another part of me still wants to wait and I'm not writing him off completely but I'm just sick of this.  It pisses me off because why start up anything at all if it was just going to be like this?  I didn't do anything to deserve this, that's for sure.  I know I'm not ready for anything more than friendship right now and blah blah blah... but I think that he better have the guts to be honest with me like he said he would be.  He's gonna hear from me on his birthday next week but after that... I dunno.  I just need to get over these feelings of being stuck with feelings I can't do anything with.  He is the one who wanted to kiss me, you know?  I didn't come up with the idea of us as a possibility on my own and I think there IS really good stuff there.  I just need to separate myself from him for a while I guess and maybe it will pick up again.  I just don't get why he'd have me fall for him a tiny bit and be comfortable around him if he wasn't going to do anything about it.  And I KNOW his intentions were good.  I just don't get this, I guess.  STUPID BOYS!  The bad ones screw ya, and the good ones screw ya.

<3,
me

7:42am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2:00pm

Hey Chels,
Wow, I was a little whiney earlier, lol.  I mean like, isn't this essentially what I've been doing?  I mean, not really "getting over" him but giving myself space and taking myself out of the equasion for now.  I'm sorry you have to put up with all this craziness... if you're still reading this, thank you lol.

So... I will write about my day yesterday and then spend the rest of my day on new NBS (picking out which songs I want to analyze and starting a poem section).
So... I got to Monique's about 2:30pm.  We talked for a bit first before anything and then she got down to it.  I'm going to have to record my sessions because I'm pretty sure I forgot everything already lol.  She did see one card where she was looking in a mirror and saw me looking back at her, which was interesting.  She said that things were starting to come together for me in my life again and we talked about Larry for a bit.  Essentially he feels like right now, I'm the one who got away and she wasn't sure if we were going to work out in the long run but she did agree that even if things didn't work out between us, he will never hurt me the way I've been hurt.  I wrote about all this stuff and pretty much all the other Larry stuff last night.  Ugh--my turtle's water is so dirty, I have got to clean it out.  Poor guy.
Anyway, all in all it did validate what I had been thinking all along.  That I'm halting everything and declaring myself to be just me for now.

After the reading, I went out to dinner with Geoff.  We went to this sushi place that he had never been to before but I had been to with my ex a couple of times.  After that I really wanted to go for a walk so we went to this forest preserve by his house but it was kind of cold so he took me back to my house so I could change into something warmer than what I was wearing and get a flashlight and then we were on our way again.  We had to drive a little bit and it had gotten dark by the time we got there and on the way back we saw something weird in the sky.  It turned out it was a blimp.  But before we could tell what it was, it was pretty freakish.

So... we just ended up walking in a straight line for a mile or 2 and then I finally came home.  It was a pretty nice walk.

Oh and like, throughout all of this Larry stuff I keep hearing "he'll come around."  Mostly I think (and I could be wrong), that it wasn't just for MY protection that we stopped having sex.  I feel like he feels too much for me to handle right now and he doesn't want to scare me away.  Who knows what we'd be like if we hadn't of slept together, but I can't take it back.  Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time so I'd have my friend back, but if we were really meant to be friends we wouldn't have gone as far as we did.  I really don't feel like it was his objective to use me.  The whole reason why I decided to have sex in the first place (with him) was because I didn't know how long it would take for me to feel like I wanted to be in a relationship and I didn't want to wait THAT long to have sex.  But... ultimately I'm glad that whatever happened between us did because it showed both of us what's out there with each other.  And I know in my heart that unlike someone I know (and ended up dating), he doesn't have at least 3 girls on the side ready for whatever.  I'm not particularly pissed at Larry, but I am kind of upset at myself for not questioning Barry more. Like why he stopped talking to me for 4 whole months and how could he like me when he had just stopped seeing Sarah, who he was CLEARLY in love with.  I tried so hard for him and I got absolutely shit back. But if I had taken actual time for myself back when Ryan broke up with me, I wouldn't have to wait to heal up to date someone that I like.  Ugh... I know I've written about this shit before and I'm sorry.  I KNOW I'm obsessing over my own life choices and who could have known that things would end up this way?  Like you say, it is what it is.  But I am strong enough on my own and maybe one day I won't have to be "the one who got away" anymore. I'm optimistic that if he really does like me that much, he'll come around.  I'm not really sure how long I should have to wait, though.  It would be really sad if I waited till there was snow on the ground and he didn't want to see me. But... more sad for him I think, lol.

At any rate... I think for a while I want to try and focus my entries on something besides him. I mean, if things change and there's actually something to write about that doesn't include me just saying the same things over and over, then of course I will write about that.  But until then I'm just gonna focus on other stuff. I know I must be annoying you with this shit, I mean I KNOW I'm annoying myself by obsessing over it.  How much healing can I be doing if I'm constantly worrying about some guy that isn't even my guy?  I guess it's all part of the experience, but still.

Ugh I need to get PAID so I can do the following:
1) pay my insurance bill and my phone bill
2) get a good hair trimmer so I can get some of this hair off my head (and bikini area, ugh it's annoying!)
3) get a new subscription for Massageprep.com so I can get some more tests done.

So far... this summer kicks last summer's ass!  Why?  Simply because I am my own woman!  No dumbass manbabies to take care of.  Whee!

<3,
me

3:01pm

June 13th, 2012

June 13th, 2012
12:24am

Dear Chelsea,
hello my love.  Right now I am saying some prayers for you in hopes that you will start to feel better soon.  I love you so much!

Dear God,
Please look after Chelsea tonight and during the next few weeks as her body starts to heal and she finally feels some relief from not being able to breathe for a few days.  I pray that the angels of healing surround her and keep her safe so she doesn't get any worse.  And I also pray that no one else gets sick as a direct result of her being sick or this prayer.  i know it has to run its course but I just don't want any harm done to anyone directly associated with her or myself to accomplish this.  Just please be with her as she needs your tender loving care and as her body gets better.  Thank you so much for listening to my prayer.  In Jesus' name,
Amen.

I'm never sure how specific one has to be but I felt like it needed to be said--no harm done to anyone!!  Only light and love and healing energies.  Alright, girl.  I want to finish my Moscato, get ready for bed, then watch some Olga Kay videos before bed (If I have the energy tonight).  I feel really good about this prayer I said for you and I love you so much!

<3,
me

12:51am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:04am

Hey sweets,
Wow, by the time I finish with the next nb thing I have to do, I'll be done with this guy, I just know it.  I think I have a really cool idea for my next nb.  I want to do something with LJ, like make an entire nb out of all our entries but I won't start it until after I finish this one.  Good idea? Yes, no, maybe?  Or maybe it will be a whole book of our poems, which means I have to get started at saving them up.  Which means I get to buy a new nb!  Wow so that makes two in two days.  And see the thing is... I'm showing you that you don't have to have a whole bunch of money to make a good notebook, just have to be a little bit creative :).  I probably do have notebooks that I could use HERE so I wouldn't have to spend ANY money at all... I think for now that would be the more frugal idea since the point is that I don't have much money to be throwing around.  And I actually have a notebook that I dedicated to our story but I know it should be updated because a lot has happened since then. But most of it was written when I was really angry so... a lot of it is either really honest or REALLY bitchy.  I haven't decided yet.  But I do like the new angel (?) so maybe I'll try more with that and let you read when you're feeling better.  Hmmm....

<3,
me

11:22am

June 12th, 2012

June 12th, 2012
1:01pm

Hey Chels,
I'm so sorry you're so sick!  I had a URI last May before my visit and it sucked so bad. I didn't have the breathing problems but my throat felt like it was on fire.  I hope you have a very fast recovery.
So!  I finally figured out what I'm gonna do with this nb!  First I'm going to figure out where I left off with the Twilight book and resume that.  And then... music!  You know how I printed out Britney's whole Blackout album and we did our meanings for each song?  Well... I'm going to do that again with my top 10 albums and then just random songs that have meant a lot to me, especially in this past year.  I'm excited about this because I can just listen to music and when I hear a song I like I will write down what it means to me.  OOOh yay!  I'm excited about this one because it's something I can actually do.  It doesn't cost anything to form an opinion about a song I like :).

FUCKING CATS IN MY YARD!  STUPID BITCH NEIGHBOR!  UGH.

<3,
me

1:11pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:01pm

Hey Chels,
So, I've been working on your old nb practically all freaking day and I'm STILL NOT FINISHED WITH IT!  But now I'm taking a break from it so I can write for a bit.  I had gotten to the part where you had deleted Ryan off ur FB and ur phone.  It reminded me a little of what I'm doing with Larry.  He didn't really do anything wrong but I haven't really spoken to him since I asked if things were okay and he said he's been busy and that was... June 1st I think.  With the exception of last Friday I haven't texted him at all.  I have been doing okay with that but I will admit that I do miss him and I'm just gonna wait and see how things will go after football season.  I just keep thinking back on the beginning of the year and I have to believe that the guy is still around somewhere and I get it that he knows that now isn't the perfect time.  It just really sucks when you like someone but you can't do anything about it and it makes me even more pissed off at Barry for hurting me SO badly.  Cuz I know in my heart that if I hadn't just gotten out of that relationship, Larry and I would be... well... a lot closer than we are now.  But... at least Larry isn't going to fuck 100 girls while he "waits" for me to feel better.  I don't really want to know about that anyway.  I know I've said this like a million times already but I still want to wait and see what happens with him first before anything else. Lol at least give him a CHANCE to screw up.  But... this is still the summer of me so... I'll worry about it later.  Lol.

<3,
me

3:20pm

June 11th, 2012

June 11th, 2012
12:53pm

Hey Sweets,
So, how are you doing today?  I am actually feeling a little bit hungover today which is weird because I didn't drink anything yesterday.  I did feel completely exhausted when I came home but I went to sleep early and woke up and felt like a trainwreck.  So I dunno.
So... I have been watching this show called Teen Mom with the original girls from the first 16 and Pregnant show.  I watched the second batch and then after that I was done because I couldn't take how stupid everyone was but I love these girls.  I hate how everyone says how the show made all these girls get pregnant because really... what were 16 year old girls doing before the show?  Oh, right.  Getting pregnant!  So anyway, it just got me thinking about my own life.  When I was a teenager, I thought 23 was the perfect age to get married.  At the time I was still a virgin and didn't really know anything about sex or boys.  I knew enough from observing everyone else but up until I met Mike, all I had experienced was kissing (there was this one incident where my then-boyfriend tried to get on top of me and started humping me but I completely froze up and after 2 tries he gave up).  We never talked about it afterwards.  Everything was fine until he started listening to his shitty friends.  But anyways....
As I got older I was afraid of marriage for a while.  Even when Brian had asked me, I couldn't be completely happy about it because deep down I knew he wasn't the One.  Then came Ryan and I thought he was perfect because he didn't want marriage or kids.  But then he started talking about us having children and even asked me what I'd say if he asked me to marry him and I had said yes and then he started treating me like garbage.
So... now when I think about marriage and kids, I've come to this conclusion: I would really like it if I could just find someone out there who I trusted not to hurt me--at least not the way I've been hurt.  I want him to be like my best friend but also so much more than that.  I want to just be myself and have someone love me for me at this exact moment in time. When I decided the other half of what I'd like my child to be, then I'll have kids.  But I want to get married first because I'd like to love someone enough to get up in front of everyone else that I love and declare my love to that man.  Because that's what I believe marriage is really about--loving someone enough to get up and announce it to God and man and when you have found that person, why make them feel like, "oh, you can have babies with me but you can't marry me?"  That's kind of fucked up.  Although I know plenty of women who don't want to get married and that's fine.  I'm just saying this is how I feel.

Even with Barry, I never truly knew what he felt.  He confused me from start to finish and it's not even because oh he's so smart he can't relate to anyone.  That's bullshit.  (on a side note, I can hear my dog in the living room trying to catch a fly, lol!)  No, it's because he likes it that way.  He just wants to feel like no one will ever understand him to give him an excuse for his shitty behavior.  So of course when all he does is feed excuses to everyone with a drug-addled brain, he's just gonna say whatever at the moment.  But he's not gonna do it anymore to me so oh well.

Ugh I have to go to the bathroom, then eat and get ready for a doc appt today (for my dad).

<3,
Rita B.B.

1:27pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5:09pm

Hey Chels,
Yay it's almost time for my group!  I haven't seen anyone in a while and I feel like I really need to go.  Ever since Friday I've just been feeling really sad for whatever reason and I still don't really undrstand why and I haven't really cried about it either.  But I guess it's like... just visiting Stephanie and hearing about her cousin really put things in perspective for me.  Fuck what he did to me--I'm nobody.  She was his FAMILY and he chose to basically give his whole family the finger.  I would excpect that behavior from some young kid who got lost and was looking for something--but not him.  I guess addiction really doesn't have a face and all that but I guess feel like that's a cop out.  And this whole thing about how he openly admitted to wanting to experience life on Chris's level?  What the fuck for?  You've been experiencing it since he was 12, what more do you need?  Fucking dumb ASS.  I guess a lot of my sadness comes from anger in knowing that he hurt his family way more than he ever could have hurt me.  I don't even care about Jenelle or whatever shit he posted about me on Facebook.

<3,
me

5:19pm

June 10th, 2012

June 10th, 2012
12:15am

Hello, beautiful lady!
How are ya?  I was just thinking that I can't WAIT to get your next nb.  I know you haven't really had the time to work on it the way you want, but I'm sure that when you DO finish it, it'll be great.  I still really want to try out my idea with all the pictures but I still have no idea how to go about it :(. Oh well.

So anyway... this week was the start of something great.  I managed to do yoga everyday (except yesterday) and only texted Larry once (also yesterday).  Although the two aren't directly related, lol.  I dunno... it feels slightly odd to have nothing to obsess over at the moment.  I mean, I've pretty much exhausted myself trying to figure Larry out and came to the same conclusion that I've come to all along: if he's smart, he'll try again.  If he's not then he's a moron.  Only time will tell which one he turnes out to be.  And I could either sit here and obsess over it or I could just enjoy the fact that for the moment I don't have someone crawling up my ass trying to get attention from me and trying to squeeze a relationship out of thin air.  I truly feel like Larry is a good guy and no matter what he still cares about me and that's way more important than anything else.  I just keep trying to prepare myself for the possibility of failure even though things haven't even really had a chance to start yet.  And that's kind of sad.  But... I guess it's just in my nature to think of every possibility.  But he's not the only guy out there and if he is stupid then someone smarter will come along.

But anyways, so... this has been a good weekend so far.  I got to see my cousins and celebrate Chloe's 13th b'day.  Wow!  13 years!  So she was born in 1999.  So I've known Larry for as long as she's been alive.  haha that's funny.  Tomorrow I get to go to another party :).  My friend Shelly is having a housewarming party.  Then next week i will visit Monique for a tarot card reading, and I'd like to see if I could possibly visit Alex on Friday.  So all in all it should be a fun and busy week.

Ugh--more to write but getting sleepy!

<3,
me

12:35am

June 8th, 2012

June 8th, 2012
4:23pm

Hey Chels,
I am almost ready with your book (your last nb)!  I have about 50 pages to type out, then I'm typing up my last nb to you and finally sending it, and this one as well depending on how far I am into it by the time I'm done typing everything else up.  But if I keep writing the way that I have been lately, I could be onto my next nb by the time I type this one up.  But either way you are getting everything from the past 2 years in book form and I will try and get the Winter pictures in that book as well.  I think I need a CD to copy then transfer.  I'll figure it out.  If you can wait until your birthday, I'd really like that to be the deadline.

So... I heard from Larry today.  I texted him and said: "hey :) have a good weekend" and he said "thanks you too" and that was it.  That's all I really wanted to say.  I think my problem is that I expect too much sometimes so if I say something I should say it because I want to and not for the answer I want to get back, because that's backfired a few times.  But he obviously doesn't think I'm completely nuts if he texted me back. I don't even know what goes on inside that boy's head but I'm pretty sure he isn't overthinking and overanalyzing everything half as much as I am if at all.  But at least one thing is for sure--he will never ever disappear the way that Barry did not once but multiple times.  Aside from all that other bullshit, I KNOW he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me. As long as he doesn't develop a personality change, chances are he won't.  :).
But anyway...I am going to see Monique sometime next week for a tarot card reading.  It's not just all this stuff with Larry that I'm curious about, mostly I want to see what the next few months will bring.  That includes my dad and my ex and if there's anything I should look out for.  I can hear my inner voices telling me things and of course I trust them but I guess there are some things I'd like validated.  Like something is supposed to happen the week of Larry' b'day.  Well, Barry's arraignment is the next day.  But what do either of these things have to do with me?  I keep hearing that Barry might commit suicide and as much as I don't want to admit this, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even him.  So far I haven't heard anything but... it's always a possibility, anyway.  He was slowly killing himself with the heroin, anyway.  also, in February Monique said something about a new relationship starting up in August and when we were doin that truth circle she told me that my next one would be a musician or in a band and I told her that my friend Larry was in a band with me in high school and her face lit up.  So I'm wondering if she still sees that.  She did predict that we'd take a break but she never said for how long.  And frankly...if it doesn't happen in August I'm not going to be crushed.  That's just life.
And also...I would like to know about my dad, if he'll be in the hospital again and if it will be serious. Chances are that one's a nobrainer, but still.
And then anything else she sees.  But I'm not going to tell her any of this, just see what she picks up on. Then report back here.

<3,
me

4:56pm

June 7th, 2012

June 7th, 2012
5:22pm

Hey Chels,
It is so beautiful out! And I got my pedicure.  It's so pretty.  But yeah... I just realized that I'm going to be single this summer.  I'm not sure what makes it different than any other time since I've been single since February, but it's summer!  I can go out and I don't have to worry about anyone or make shit up about where I'll be or what.  Let me explain...
Summer 2008--you and I have a huge fallout, I ended up FINALLY breaking up with Brian and moved back here.  Summer 2009 I was with Ryan and whenever I hung out with Geoff he'd get jealous.  That was ALSO the summer I found out someone had messaged Brian with Ryan's work info...ugh.  Summer 2010 I was still with Ryan and things were BAD.  That was also the summer I met Matt and had stopped talking to Korey.  And last summer my whole existance revolved around Barry.  He had started using heroin and things had started getting crazy and just got progressively worse.  But this year... I'm just going to live it up and do what makes me happy and I'm so glad that I don't have to feel guilty for hanging out with my friends or just doing what I want. Take that, stupid guys who have tried to own me.  In your face!

Okay, done for now.

<3,
me

5:37pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6:02pm

hello again~
So... I think I'm FINALLY ready to write about my Indiana trip.  After I wrote what I wrote, we finally got going.  We were supposed to leave at noon to be there at 1pm but we ended up not leaving until 3pm.  We didn't get there until after 4.  I had fun hanging out and getting to meet everyone, but apparently there was a problem.  Stephanie's best friend Trevor told her that he didn't like Matt, but he wouldn't give a reason for it.  So Stephanie was pissed about that because she thought that Trevor should at least say why he didn't like Matt.  So... we finally left around 10pm and Steph later confided in me that Matt had smoked ALL of her cigarettes.  He was being a real ass that night, too.  I was driving because both of them were drunk and he was hounding directions at me.  For one, I was attempting to drive a car I had never driven before in a place I had never been to before and I kept trying to turn the music down but Steph kept putting it up so Matt's yelling didn't help.  We also did manage to get some karaoke in but I wasn't thinking about the song I actually wanted to do so I picked one I never even attempted to practice and ugh it was awful!  I'm still embarrassed by how awful it was.  But oh well.

So... Matt kept saying he needed to talk to Stephanie about something but we were supposed to make a fire so I didn't think it would take that long but it ended up taking over an hour and THEN Steph had lost her phone so... needless to say I just got sick of it and went to sleep.

So... Sunday we were supposed to go back to Steph's place and go swimming but of course that didn't end up happening.  Apparently Steph got a text from her friend saying the pool was too croweded so they were going to try for the next day, and Matt's mom's plans changed so he needed to stay at the house to take care of his mom's dogs (which was why we were there in the first place).  So... we ended up watching Mel Gibson movies (yuck) and then FINALLY went to the store.  Matt FINALLY made a fire but it was not a good one.  It's so sad that he's 40, has done 2 tours of the US army, and can't build a campfire.  Steph and I got a little time to talk, which was good.

Then FINALLY, Monday rolled around.  We cleaned up the house (and by "we" I mean Steph and me) and then FINALLY left.  We got to the pool around 3 or 4 and I could tell Stephanie was pissed off about something but she couldn't tell me what.  She had gotten some bad news about her dad and the thing with Trevor was STILL bothering her, but I could tell that there was something else. She and matt (mostly Matt) had spent the entire day drinking and then we hung out at her friends' place for a while until about 10pm.  Then the real drama started.  Steph was pissed and wanted something to eat so Matt drove to Mcdonald's but I was the only one who got something to eat that I never even got to finish.
Then he took us to the beach but she wanted beer so he drove to the store but she didn't get any so we just drove back to his house and I guess she was okay to drive.  We went to this bar, Main Event, where she just unleashed all this stuff on me of why she was so pissed.  But then Matt started texting and calling her and eventually he just showed up.  there was this guy sitting next to me at the bar and she just started talking to him just to piss Matt off.  He was adorable but he was so drunk that when he would try and tell a story he would just take forever or not finish it.  And when he had to leave he just got up and said, "okay I'm leaving now" and he shook my hand and wouldn't let go.  I kept saying, "okay, bye," but he just stood there.  He never asked for my number and I never gave any indication of wanting to give it.  I kind of wish that I had given it to him but I bet he has already forgotten about me :(.  But anyway--so...we ended up leaving the bar and dropping Matt off at home AGAIN.

6:49pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:05pm

~hello again~
Ugh sorry.  I just couldn't write anymore so I took a break and then took Snickers for a walk.  So anyway...

It was after 3am and I was exhausted at this point but mostly I was starving and I know that Stephanie was hungry too so I took us to get some gas and then to Ihop.  Steph kept asking wher Matt was and I had to keep telling her he was at home.  She wanted me to pick him up but I said no.  I was getting her food then taking us both to her place and that's exactly what I did.  We ended up not going to sleep till 6am.

And there--that is the WHOOOOOOOOOOOLE trip.  Phew.

So... I have really been thinking about something that I learned from the trip. Barry did a really shitty thing.  I mean, to hurt me is one thing.  I mean who am I?  I'm nobody.  But to shit on his entire family like that just goes beyond comprehension. Steph has known him since he was born and he saw what became of Chris's life.  No family, no home, nobody to love him, no job, no respect, no anything. Everyone believed in Barry and he just blindsided everyone, and for what?  Why did he choose to stoop to Chris's level?  The thing I am failing to understand is that we're not talking about some 16 year old kid here who doesn't know any better.  We're talking about a 28 year old man with an IQ of 139 who knows exactly what heroin does to people.  That to me is just beyond comprehension.  What would be so broken about a person that he would feel like lying to his dad WHO HAS CANCER is okay?  And to not even care that he will never have Killer again?  Obviously because he cares more about getting high than getting his life back.  If he really wanted his name cleared he'd make more of an effort to come clean and get help than deny any wrongdoing.  It's just so sad and breaks my heart that Stephanie not only lost Chris but as long as Barry keeps at this lifestyle, she's lost him as well.

Ugh--the stupid lady next door!  She lets her cats out.  Here is the problem: they get into my backyard and eat all the local wildlife.  My mom had to have a talk with her and told her that she couldn't deal with the cats anymore.  So for like 3 days she kept the cats inside.  Well, I just saw one in my side yard so I know they're roaming around.  She won't put a harness on them because THAT'S ludicrous but letting them roam around everywhere then trying to call them back like dogs is okay.  WTF, lady?

Meh--sorry weird change in subject, I know.  But I think I'm finally done with my journal dumping for the moment!  Yay!

<3,
me

8:27pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah I forgot--about the whole single thing.  I still want to hold out as long as I can for Larry because I believe we had a good thing started.  And also--I don't want to deal with anybody else right now.  But I'm still 100% single and I'm not limiting myself to anything right now.  I just don't want to deal with anyone else's crap for a while, is that so much to ask?  lol

<3

June 6th, 2012

June 6th, 2012
8:36pm

Hey Chels,
I had the best day today!  I couldn't get my nails done but I went to Geneva and got the cutest dress.  I also got a real cool necklace with the 4 phases of the moon on it.  It's kind of small but I like it.
Also, I had this thought today.  Back when I met Barry, I could tell that he liked me but I just accepted the fact that he didn't speak to me for 4 months because of what Korey had said.  I was in a relationship too but it was going south at the time.  And like... I just accepted that Barry had ditched me and was sleeping with Sarah and how convenient was it that we were both single at the same time.  Only I had been with the same guy for 2 years and he was with God only knows.
And then there's Larry who had told me (before Barry and I had split) that he hadn't slept with anyone in almost a year because he prefers quality over quantity and he'd rather not be a player.  And here I am, so sure that he's sleeping with whoever and I'm trying not to freak out over not talking with him for a few days when I know for a fact that he would never stop talking to me for 4 months straight and just sleep with whoever.  I just don't know why I would just accept it from one guy and freak out over another one who would never do what the first guy did to hurt me.  I think I need to take more than just one week and just be on my own for a bit.  not like I'm not doing that now, but more of it.  I just need more time for myself.  But I'll still be available for you <3.

<3,
me

8:51pm

June 5th, 2012

June 5th, 2012
11:45pm

Hey Sweets,
Well... in 15 minutes your 6 year wedding anniversary will be over.  I just can't believe it's been that long.  But you know... as much as you might feel bad for it not working out, I just don't think there was anything you could have done.  There was no way to know the exact magnitude of the whole environment unless you were there for yourself, which you were.  But you made it this far.  And yeah there are always goals to make for yourself but look at you--you never gave up!  You are still here and I thank God that you are still in my life because honestly, these past 10 years would be SO different had you not been in my life.  I have never had a friendship like this one--I've had great friendships and I love all of my friends--but no one has touched me the way that you have.  Not in a dirty way lol, just... well you know what I mean.  Even when we weren't talking, it didn't feel right.  The whole time I just kept thinking: "Chelsea should be a part of this," and being pissed off that you weren't.  At the time I didn't see how fucked up my "relationship" with Ryan was.  What normal person would get mad if his girlfriend started talking to her best friend again?  Is it that bad?  Damn.
You know... I am so glad I don't have to be someone's girlfriend right now.  I wish I had had the strength to turn Barry down so I could have just been single for a while.  But if I hadn't of met him then I wouldn't have met Stephanie and I wouldn't have been with her on Memorial Day weekend... and God knows what would have happened if she was at that country house alone with matt.  Plus I was able to be there for her and Sarah when Barry went to jail, I got to know what happened to Korey (he went crazy) and I got to meet Killer.  So... I guess that yet again "everything happens for a reason."

So... tomorrow I'm going to get my nails done, go to Wild Roots and get the shirt I wanted to buy last time but couldn't, then grab something to eat.  I wish I didn't have to bring my phone with me but I have to bring it in case my dad calls me.  I am really starting to enjoy getting my life back.  I used to hate my cell and never checked it but in the past few years I've grown way too attached to it.  I think when I'm at home and both my parents are home I won't be so obsessed with it.  I've just gotten so used to be in constant contact with people that it becomes a habit, but I am enjoying the freedom of being without it.

So... I know I still have to write about Memorial Day weekend, but I am going to have to crap out of that one.  I wrote about it in my LJ and frankly I don't have the energy for a play-by-play. But I will say this--Stephanie FINALLY made a decision and moved out of her apartment on Sunday and for some reason she's surprised that KC hasn't contacted her.  But at the same time... she needs to get a little distance not just from him but from the whole situation.  She moved out of her place so he could get his stuff out in peace so I'm not sure what she expects him to say to her besides, "I found a place to live and my stuff is out, you can come back now."  And on the other hand, Matt still won't leave her alone.  His new pitch is that he's going to quit drinking, but if he really wanted to do that he'd be doing it already.  How many alcoholics did I leave that are STILL drinking?  3.  And one heroin addict who I am sure is still doing whatever he's doing.  It's typical addict behavior, too. They find a girl who is vulnerable and promise that girl the world, then when they get their claws in, they change.  or show who they REALLY are.  Then the girl is always stuck with the decision to leave or stay.  It's no wonder why we go crazy sometimes.  BUT!  There are those nice guys who really do care and who will give a girl room to breathe.  But the problem is that by the time these boys come around, the girl has already heard so much bullshit that she's not prepared for the truth and it's a huge vicious cycle.  I am happy to say that at least I don't have any addicts coming after me.  It was one of the things I prayed for.  I was REALLY done with the addict after Ryan, but this one just kind of came out of nowhere.

I have so much more to say but I need to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  I love you and will write soon.

<3,
me

6/6/12
12:27am

Ps.... day 2 of my little "experiment" and I succeeded. Yay me!

June 4th, 2012

June 4th, 2012
8:34pm

Awwww,
If it were this time last year, your wedding anniversary would have been on a Sunday and we would have had a fun day at the beach.  I just wrote this in a letter to you but I'm gonna say it in here, too--tomorrow is the 4 month anniversary of when I found out that Barry was in jail.  I can't believe it's been 4 whole months.  It doesn't seem like that long ago and at the same time, it seems like forever since it happened.  Yet it still feels raw.  I decided something else today.  I don't give myself enough breaks--like when my dad got sick and then I freaked out so badly.  I was just feeling better about Barry and I was trucking along just doing my own thing and then bam--a reminder of the past 4 months came along.  But my dad is back from the hospital and I feel a lot better.  I wasn't even given time to recouperate from my trip, either.  Oh and I realized something about Larry, too.  I shouldn't be the one working so hard and worrying about what he's feeling every single second.  If he wants to be with me, he will show me in his own time.  But I can't make him want me, especially when I know that I'm not ready to give my heart away again.  And also, I can't control what he does.  I don't think he'd sleep with a million women but since we're not together right now I can't stop him from doing it.  But he can't stop me, either.  It's not even like I want anyone else but if I'm offered cuddles from someone and I feel like I need them, if he's not around then that's not my problem.  Thing is--I just don't want to deal with any man right now.  It's too tiring.  Oh!  And you'll be happy that I went all day without texting him once.  He never texted me either but it's okay.  I thought about it but I didn't do it and I'm so proud of myself.
I'm not gonna lie, a part of me is still hopeful that he'll text me but I can do without it.  Maybe THIS will be the "redo" vacation that I haven't gotten in the past couple weeks--assuming my dad continues to get better. Anyways, I'm tired for now so I'm gonna go.

<3 ya!
Rita bo Bita

8:52pm

June 3rd, 2012

June 3rd, 2012
7:03pm

Hey Chels,
I just got back from the hospital to see my dad.  My aunt Lori actually came over as well.  My dad was doing so much better but then he had some food and it made his head hurt.  Poor guy.  But hopefully he can go home tomorrow.

So... I have been thinking about this Larry thing a lot this weekend and I'm realizing a lot of things.  I completely overreacted to him not being able to be there for me, for one thing.  And also, I'm sort of expecting him to be the guy that was trying to cheer me up back in February.  I'm pretty sure he was being sincere in what he was saying, but the truth is that I don't need to have him be up my ass anymore.  I also didn't want him to be the one to "fix" me.  And that's not how I want to start things off, if we both still want that.  So... I'm just going to let him do what he's gonna do and I'm gonna do my own thing and maybe we'll end up together, maybe not.
I know you'd tell me not to worry about it, but you should know me better than that by now lol.  I'm going to worry about it because that's how I am.  I also feel like we had a fight and he doesn't even know about it.  I never really explained to him about my ex not being there for me at all when my dad was sick so there's no way he could have known how much his not being able to be there for me really hurt me.  So it's not even his fault at this point, just bad circumstances.  Which is also why I feel like I need a break from him, just because of how much I overreacted over the whole thing.

Also, I am so sorry you have to bear witness to all the crazy inside my head right now.  I wish everything could have been fine and i wasn't having all these boy issues.  But--I guess it is what it is, right?  Ultimately though I know that things will work themselves out and like I said before--I'm grateful that he is busy so he doesn't have time to be up my ass while I'm trying to just breathe for a minute.  I'm pretty sure he still thinks about me--at least when he's in his car (considering as far as I know I'm the only girl he's ever had back there).  So even if we're not flirting 24/7, I'm still somewhere in the back of his mind and that's enough for me.  I do still want to see if this thing will go anywhere before completely giving up, though.  But at the moment I'm enjoying being on my own.  It's funny that most of the times I was in relationships I missed being single and now that I have a real shot at being single I'm missing it by not focusing on taking care of me enough :/.

<3,
me

7:27pm

June 2nd, 2012

June 2nd, 2012
12:14pm

Hey Chels!
Awww.... so 1 year ago today I was already on a plane on my way to come see you.  Wait... was it a Thursday or Friday? I think it was the 2nd but either way I'm going to check.  Yep the 2nd was a Thursday so it would be today that the trip started.  And we'd have our Twilight party with the cupcakes and all that.  *sigh* I really miss that.  After the past couple of weeks, I really need to get out of here.

So.... I've decided not to stay mad at Larry.  I mean, the whole thing was unfortunate but he didn't even know what was going through my head.  If we were actually together and were serious and he never called me back or if my dad had had another stroke or something and he STILL didn't show up, then I would be PISSED.  But this was a case of me overreacting to something and him being the target because I'm still mad at all the other men in my life, which he doesn't realize either.

This may sound weird, but I keep getting this voice inside my head saying I did the right thing by talking to him and there isn't anything wrong with saying how you feel.  And also that we will be together, just not now.  The thing is--I'm not ready for anything serious and it seems like he's not either.  So... maybe all this happened to show me that I can handle my dad on my own for now and I still need some time for myself.  But seriously, Larry isn't a bad guy.  In fact, even if we were just friends and nothing more, he'd still be one of the best guys.  So I'm taking space from him next week and just deal with my own stuff and see what happens.

Alright.  So with all this going on, I didn't really get a chance to unload about the rest of my trip or what happened to my dad.  So... my mom took my dad to see the neurologist on Monday, May 21st.  She said the doctor had said that the reason why he kept getting these really bad headaches was because of the 2 different meds he was on--apparently one of the side effects to opiates is rebound headaches.  My dad's primary doctor was actually surprised that he hasn't been getting these headaches all along because of the stroke and the 2 brain surgeries.  So... my dad decided to take himself OFF the Norco that he's been on for his stomach (abdominal wall) pain since November.  I have been really scared that something like this would happen but as usual nobody listens to me.  So... he goes cold turkey and by the weekend he's having these shaking fits.  Well, I got home Tuesday night and he was completely fine.  Then Wednesday I run a few errands and I have time to eat half of my sandwich when I hear my dad saying my name.  At first I didn't think anything of it but then it happened again so I decided to check on him and his whole body was shaking.  He was still talking to me so I didn't think it was a seizure but I didn't know what else to do so I called 911 and just kept him talking to me until the paramedics came.  I was just saying at that particular time how I was going to leave Larry alone for a while but that didn't even last a day because I really felt like I needed him.  He was there for a bit at least but had a softball game.  I had asked if I could see him and he did respond back saying he just got home from the game and was tired from the weekend.  Okay fine.  SO the next day is Tursday and I'm at the hospital with my dad and he has another seizure so I call Larry and leave a message and he never calls back or texts me back.  He didn't have a softball game because it got rained out and he even mentioned that on his Facebook and that is what REALLY pissed me off.  So, Friday before I went to the hospital I sent him that text to which he replied that he's just been really busy lately, which normally is the lamest excuse in the book but he didn't say anything else or pile on the excuses or whatever so... for now that will just have to do.
So... I stayed at the hospital until my dad's MRI was over and then came home, watched some TV and slept really well for the first time in a few weeks.  My dad is still in the hospital because he's throwing up so I'm sure I will be spending some time there today.  There was nothing abnormal found in either of his brain scans so the neurologist said he was okay to go home even though he's still barfing.  So I don't think that will be happening.  I think it's a combination of those rebound headaches + new meds + withdrawls.

Oh--before I forget--both Monique and Beverly told me that something big is supposed to happen to me around the 19th-21st of this month.  The only thing I could think of at the time is that Larry's b'day is the 19th, BUT!  Barry's next court date is the 20th.  So... I guess I'll know more after all that happens and either something will happen or nothing will happen.  We'll see.

Okay so--I want to finish writing about my trip but I need a break so... will write more later.

<3,
me

1:08pm

June 1st, 2012

June 1st, 2012
9:18am

Hey Chels,
I want so badly to text Larry right now and tell him that I am mad at him but I don't know if doing that will make me feel better or worse.  If none of this shit happened with my dad then none of this would be an issue. I really thought we were doing fine and for the past couple of weeks he's been kind of quiet and I figured he needed some space or whatever.  But then Wednesday happened and I felt like I needed him and he talked to me a little bit but not really.  And yesterday was just awful.  I called him right after my dad had another seizure and I knew he wouldn't be able to answer right away but I didn't think he would just blow me off completely.  I just don't get it.  Like this whole thing... since everything happened with Barry he had been telling me I was worth waiting for and all this other stuff and now I feel like maybe it was all in my head.  It's not like I got the idea to like him by myself.  But I thought we could at least look past all that in an emergency situation.  I just really needed him and he didn't show up at all and I don't know what the fuck is going on or what to do about it. A part of me doesn't even want to deal with it and just wait until he texts me (which could actually take a while) and another part of me wants this resolved right now. That part of me wants him to know that I'm mad at him even though I really don't want to be.  And then ask him what in the heck is going on and see if he even answers.  Cuz that's the issue--what if he doesn't even answer me?  You know what--fuck that.  I am just going to bite the big one and try talking to him now.  I don't want to be sitting on this all weekend.  And if he doesn't answer me back or tell me what's up or anything then... I don't know.

9:38am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:07pm

Okay--so I texted him "hey" right after I wrote that and I still haven't heard from him so... if I don't hear from him for the rest of the day I'm not gonna bother him again until he either texts me first or Tuesday, whichever comes first.  And then I want to say something like: "look.  I know this isn't really the greatest timing, but I need to talk to you about something." And when he asks about what I'll just say that I feel like something is going on but I'm not sure what because I mean...after we saw each other everything was great for a while but then you got quiet on me again so...I don't know if I did something or if you're just needing some space yourself right now or what.  I just don't know what to think right now.
And then hopefully he'll be honest with me and tell me what's up and we can have an actual conversation.   I don't want to be all crazy blowing up his phone and demanding that he talk to me.  I want him to just be honest and let me know what's going on.  I really can't think of anything specific that I did wrong that would make him act this way so that's why I'm thinking it has little to nothing to do with me and he's actually going through something completely different. For all I know it's a combination of things.  But I am going to tell him that something that is bothering me is the fact that in the beginning it seemed like you liked me and you even told me that you would be the luckiest man in the world if we were together and I was worth waiting for and now... I'm not so sure what you're feeling.  We can talk about sex just fine but that's about it.  And you showed me a little bit of what being with you would be like and now... I dunno.  I did tell you it would be a while before I wanted to be in a relationship again and you were okay with that.  We even stopped having sex because we both didn't want our whole relationship to just be about sex but when we saw each other again I thought we were past all that and for the next couple of weeks that's what it seemed like and then you stopped talking again.... mostly I'm just trying to make sense of this whole thing and I wish we could just have a discussion and fix it right now.  And my friend Steph even said that it probably wouldn't hurt as much if we hadn't of been through everything that we've been through and she's exactly right.  If we were just friends with no potential for anything more it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't really talking to me right now.  But I really needed him as a friend in the the past two days and he was there a little bit but he never called me back and still hasn't sent me a text back.  So I'm all out of ideas.  I'm trying so hard not to be TOO pissed and I want to see how I feel in the next few days before blowing up at him.  I just need the weirdness explained and I wish he'd talk to me!  Ugh.

So... I am going to get something to eat and then take a shower and then visit my dad for a while.  Oh and I also need to take Snickers out for a walk.  Maybe I'll do that later, I dunno.  But for right now I have to eat something.

12:45pm

May 26th, 2012

May 26th, 2012
10:45am

Hey Chels,
Zomg thank the sweet LORD I brought this.  It may be my only source of entertainment for a while because I am the only one who is awake right now.  Either that or the dog licking the floor is pretty cool, lol.  My trip so far is pretty cool, except Steph is with this new guy and they're all lovey dovey and I have to advert my eyes a lot which is annoying.  Apparently they've been friends for 7 years but they've always been with different people.  I guess Steph finally decided she was done with her current boyfriend, KC so Matt (her new man) just decided to go for it.  They're not really public yet but I guess they feel comfortable enough in front of me to be all over each other (oh goody).  It makes me really miss Larry and it's not even like he's my boyfriend or anything.  He's just one of the only guys in my life right now who I don't want to punch in the throat.  I am really happy for her but sadly happy couples make me want to barf right now.  Ugh I wish they would wake up already, I can't go online on my Ipod and that means no livejournal or anything.  I could try to go on a computer here but I don't feel right doing that.  Maybe if I just turned the TV on, eventually they'll wake up?  Hmmmm....

<3,
me

11:06am

5/19/12

5/19/2012
2:42pm

Hey Chels,
Wow, I've had this thing for 5 months and 2 weeks and I'm just NOW finishing the second chapter and moving onto the third.  Even I am starting to fail as an NB partner.  I am going to finish up typing vol 7 (yours), finish vol 8 (mine) and after I'm done typing THIS one up, I'm going to send you volumes 8 and 10.  Hopefully you won't wait FOREVER, but maybe I can turn it into a really awesome birthday present for you.  I think that's more realistic than the other thing I was gonna try and do, although I should get reprints of those pictures in the 2 albums you sent me.

So anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately of asking Larry a pretty huge question.  I'm not even sure if I WANT to ask him this, but I feel like I NEED to.  I just want to know if he sees whatever is going on between us as going somewhere.  It's not even anything that he's done or is doing wrong and I actually really like where we're at right now which is friends but a little more than that with the potential of moving forward.  But like, just because I see it that way doesn't mean that he does and after my last relationship, I want things to be crystal clear.  I mean, I think of him as a potential boyfriend but I really have no clear idea if he even thinks of me as a potential girlfriend.  I'm still debating on whether or not I want to have this conversation through text or in person--I guess it really depends on if we will be able to see each other on Tuesday and if I really want to wait until the next time we see each other and I don't know exactly when THAT will be.  I should also make it clear that the purpose of the conversation won't be whether or not I have a boyfriend.  I just would like to see where his head is at.

I didn't start out liking him, it just sort of happened that way.  And right now I like being single and I'm happy where I'm at.  For the first time since everything happened in February, I don't feel like I want to fast forward my life.  I got people who care about me, I have hobbies and my dad to keep me busy, and there's not a lot of time to actually "feel" lonely.  I also have a great family who drives me nuts but I love them just the same.  I know that this is the break the universe has wanted for me to start taking care of myself.  And for the first time in 10 years, I'm doing my OWN thing for once.  I'm not sure how much longer I'll be single for, especially after I have this conversation with Larry, but I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it.  I think it's a mixture of wanting to wait for Larry and all the bullshit I've been through recently, but I'm just not interested in sex or cuddling or anything with just anyone.  I wasn't even really worried about it until stupid Ernesto basically told me he's keeping me around because he wants to have sex with me.  And then this other guy who seems nice but then after I tell him exactly what happened and he STILL asks if he can come over.  So I guess I'd like to know what the one guy I actually DO like thinks about things. Lol. So that at least ONE guy is still going to be a gentleman and not just try and sleep with me and then leave or be a complete dumbass.  The problem with texting is that he doesn't always answer me back so that's why I kind of would like to wait until the next time we see each other. The problem with THAT is that he only has 1 night off a week and he's not always free.  But at least it's the weekend so I don't have to REALLY worry about this until Monday.  My first instincts tell me that duh he does like me (not just as a friend) and he's waiting for me to approach the subject because he doesn't want to seem too pushy or scare me away.  I don't want to push anything either, that's kind of why I haven't brought it up.  I don't need him to declare his love for me or anything, just where he sees this potential thing going.  I'm okay with taking it however slow as it needs to go.  But honestly I kind of do hope that he does see it going somewhere because I really like him and being with him makes me really happy.  So... hopefully by Monday I will know which way I'm going to go.  I'll do it by text if I don't have another choice but I'd really like it to be in person.

<3,
me

3:38pm

same day, 2:16pm

2:16pm

Hey Chels,
Whee I am finally done with running around for a while so I can actually take some time out and just write.  I have been so busy fixing up your last nb, running around with one or both of my parents, and studying that I haven't just been able to sit down with my thoughts and get them out of my head.  When I'm actually talking to you I feel like I'm just unloading all of this crap onto you and I don't want to do that so most of what is actually going on with me will be put in here.  That's the biggest reason of why there isn't anything else in here besides writing.  It seems like there's so much to go through that not much else seems important right now.

Like... I feel bummed.  And it's about my ex.  Like--I do not by any means want to get back together with him.  No fucking way.  I would rather rub my entire body down with alcohol and then jump into a pool filled with razor blades then even so much as look at him again.  But he's "back together" with his crazy exgirlfriend Jenelle and they're doing drugs together and it's just really fucking sad.  The way he was with me--level headed and smart--and the way he is now--it's just a fucking tragedy.  I kind of knew in the back of my mind that she would be the only girl who would take him back but I never thought he would want her.  Just like I never thought he was capable of doing all of this to me.  Do I even have a right to feel this way?  I don't even know.  It's like the whole Korey thing all over again.  It's one thing to know something about someone and a completely different thing to see it with your own eyes.  Like, I knew that korey felt like that but seeing him write all that shit hurt so much more. And I knew that Jenelle would take Barry back, but seeing them with matching clothes on really got to me. And now all this shit with Sarah.  She ignores me for a month and a half now (exactly around the time Barry got out of jail) and is surprised when I call her out on her bullshit.  And you know what?  By telling her exactly how I felt, I was doing the mature thing. Not being honest with me at all and ignoring me until I get fed up is NOT mature at all.  I just hope all this will go away soon because today is the only day I'm gonna let myself wallow in the garbage.

Well, I'm gonna work in your nb for a while, then go to dinner with Mark, then study.

Love you!
Rita

2:40pm

May 16th, 2012

May 16th, 2012
9:07am

Hey sweets,
Wow I am up early.  I am up this early because I'm hopefully seeing my girl Evelyn today and telling her everything.  I hope that actually happens today!

Ugh, stupid Sarah.  I have no doubt that in her letter she has a bunch of neatly wrapped excuses for me to plow through.  I could very well be overreacting and the timing between Barry getting out and her completely stopping talking to me could be completely nonrelated.  If I read that FB message, I could choose to believe whatever it is she has to tell me.  But you know what?  If we were really friends, I'd know what's going on in her life right now.  I don't even care that she is the type of person to stop talking.  I also feel like if I hadn't of given her the box the way that I did, she'd still be ignoring me and I'd still be feeling the way I feel.  I don't even know if she knows that Mr Wonderful is back with Jenelle and is still doing God only knows what kind of drugs with her (but apparently there's a video!?!)  Okay, now I'm curious enough to see what her letter said.  Hold on.  Ugh she doesn't know ANYTHING!  She said she thought she made it clear that she wasn't choosing between Barry and I and I guess she's also pissed that I took Sonny off my friends list (well excuse me but I thought it would be in bad taste if I took her off but kept him on) and she would like it if I talked to her.  She doesn't fucking understand anything!  I gave her the box so she could give the box itself to Barry because it belonged to his grampa and I don't fucking care if she wants to talk to me.  I have been waiting for her to talk to me since Barry's been back but I had to do something like this to get her to even say boo to me.
So.. fuck this shit.  I'm gonna go have some breakfast with my friend and hopefully decompress a little because it is too early in the morning to be THIS grumpy.

Love you!
~Rita

9:28am

May 12th, 2012

May 12th, 2012
11:07pm

Hey Chels,
Day 2 of my cell phone holiday.  Ahhh I love it.  I may do this every week.  It's just nice to not have to check my cell phone all the time.  And since I'm single I don't have to "check in" with anyone.

So... I am thoroughly annoyed right now.  Last Monday after I got home from the baseball game I noticed someone I didn't know had poked me on my facebook page.  Well, this whole week he's been poking me so I decided to add him as a friend because I thought it was weird.  So, today after I got my computer back I go on Facebook and he had left me these messages.  So I decide to be polite and answer back.  Well, he's single and I guess was looking for someone to "cuddle" with and "have fun" with or whatever.  The guy couldn't spell for shit and didn't understand anything I was telling him.  He just kept asking if I wanted to meet and I had to tell him no twice.  And then poof he just stopped talking to me and took me off his friends list which he had only added me on half an hour prior.  He kept asking me about my body.  WTF am I supposed to say to that?  Ugh.

But anyway, my mom is totally awesome.  Today she paid to get my car fixed--$2,200.oo.  Holy shit balls!  And my computer is officially up and running so come Monday I am doing some hardcore studying.  I want to get as much of it done as I can before my trip Memorial Day weekend.  I am going to Stephanie's house (Chris's sister, Barry's cousin).  She is going to text me tomorrow after work with plans.  Woot woot!

<3,
me

11:20pm

May 11th, 2012

May 11th, 2012
2012
10:28pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KAYLEE!

Wow, that girl is 14 today.  Yikes.  So, I just got a brilliant idea.  I was working on my personal notebook today (volume 20) and I got this idea. I think when I finish that, that will be my last 5 subject notebook (to myself, anyway).  I want to get pretty books to write in.  Also, I had this glorious idea.  I am going to take every notebook I have an make a regular book out of it (probably through Lulu.com or I'll try Kinko's and see how much that would be).  I'm also going to make books out of the letters I get from you and Beverly.  I think the nb idea was great while it lasted but it's taking up way too much space.  But... I still have a bunch to finish up, too.  I think that is going to be my goal before I'm 30--finish up whatever has to be done to finish the notebooks that are sitting on my shelves and also retake my massage exam.  I have 5 months to complete these tasks.  Let's hope I can get my ass moving.  Also, for some reason I have this idea in my head that after every book I end up finishing, I should burn the original.  I would have no need for the original after the published books are made, and then I can save certain pages and put those together in a binder or something.  And--oh drat.  I found 2 more notebooks that I've never written in.  One was intended for my dad--a story of his journey--and another one was improv stories, but I think that I'm going to make 2 more newsletter journals out of those and have that be it.  Or actually, what I can do is keep writing in my Livejournal and after ever entry, save it to a notepad or microsoft word or something and every 240 pages or so, make a book.  Ooh yay!

I will keep an actual journal for us, though.  And I think I owe you a scrapbook.  One reason why I wanted the Winter pictures was because I wanted to make a book of all my favorite pictures of you/me/us and put it together for you.  Actually, I think I'm going to do that for your birthday plus the notebooks that I owe you.  So oh boy, now I have 3 projects.  I could do the ones that are just online but I think I want to make or put together an actual album for you.  They have some super nice friendship ones at Hobby Lobby.  Squeeeee!  I can't wait to get started on this one!  Maybe tomorrow.  You know what would be totally cool (and I just now thought of this)?  A book like this filled with pictures and then journal entries.  I would have to dive into your mdd entries that I have but I think it would be awesome plus I just remembered that I have a ton of favorite pictures of you already.  Of course, the journal entries and pictures won't be in the same order (entries will probably be much, much older), but I will try to put the pictures and entries both in chronological order of how I have them.  So that book will be a snapshot of you from the past... 8 years of our friendship (because I only have pictures of us starting from '04 but the journal entries will start from '02 because that's when we met).  Omgggg perfect idea!  I will try and go through all the significant things in our lives and see if I can find pictures but I won't be able to have pictures of everything I already know that.  So tomorrow I have to get started on a timeline and go through the pictures I have.... although I'm not sure if you want the wedding to DAvid to be included.  Hmm... I will have to rethink this.

Wow... this is the first time in MONTHS that I actually felt like doing more than just writing.  I just hope I can find the energy to put it together.

Anyway, enough about that.  So, I guess both Chris AND Barry are out of jail now.  I haven't talked to Stephanie but I have a sneaking suspicion that Tory gave Killer back to Barry.  I haven't seen anymore pictures of him on her page and she never answered me back when I asked her how Killer was doing.  I'm not sure why but I also feel like Sarah is pissed at me for telling Barry who his dog was with.  Um, she never specifically told me NOT to tell him and I had no idea how long he was going to be in jail for, so I figured the least I could do is tell him what happened to the dog.  But I don't think I'm going to push too hard for that answer.  I have no idea what happened at Barry's last court date but he's still free so he probably begged and pleaded until he got what he wanted.  And everyone is too chicken shit to tell me anything. Well, fine.  They ALL can go fuck off.  I'm so sick of people ignoring me and/or making it seem like what happens to them is my fault.  Everyone else can be shocked and hurt but I was his girlfriend.  I was probably one of the closest people to him for a while.  So I couldn't really be held accountable for any of my actions back then.  And if I decided to tell him where his damn dog was, I had a good reason for it.  It's who I am.  I still gave a fuck enough to give him that peace of mind even though he didn't deserve so much as a "boo".  And instead of getting anything back I get ignored and lies made up about me and all this other shit.  Ugh.

<3,
me

11:22pm

May 8th, 2012

May 8th, 2012
11:31am

Hey Chels,
Well, I did get to go to that Cubs game after all last night.  It was so much fun except for one thing: Kendra's boyfriend.  Ugh.  Apparently he works for this company that makes defense weapons so he is rich.  The seats were free and there were 2 pairs so Kendra and I sat together and Nolan and his friend, Dan, sat together.  Personally I thought our seats were better because they were higher up and right behind first plate so it was a perfect view.  But after a while Nolan started texting Kendra and bugging her and I to go over where they were sitting.  We finally did after the 7th inning and he wouldn't shut up about how selfish she was because she kept saying how much better our seats were.  And he even went over to check on her (yes, he's THAT guy) when she didn't answer him back so he could have seen for himself how good those seats were.  And the whole night he was just being really rude to her and say cutting things.  I just wanted to punch him in the throat.  Other than that, the game was really good.  The cubs won 5-1.  Woot woot!

In other news, I haven't really heard from Larry since last week.  I mean, not in the same way as last week.  We talk for a bit and then he stops talking.  I am pretty sure he doesn't do it on purpose or to be a jerk but... I dunno.  My only thought is that he could still be cautious because I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet.  But it's not even like we have talked about that.  So far we've established being friends and apparently friends with benefits, but that's pretty much it.  I guess if it really started to bother me I could talk to him about it but I'm not even sure where to start.  I know why we haven't talked about it yet--too serious.  As in... a conversation reserved for much, much later.  I am still happy that I got to see him last week, though.  It was so nice just to talk to him.  And I like that he held my hand.  I like how our hands fit.  meh... I dunno.  I like him but I'm not ready for much right now.  I'm a lot better off than I was, but still not there.  So... I hope that i will know how to put into words questions that I have or had (depending on when I get to ask them).  Right now a question would be... oh hell I don't even know.  Lol.

Ooh--Barry's court date is in 2 days.  I don't think it's a sentencing one, just a status hearing, but it will be interesting to know how it goes.  If only I cared enough to actually go.  A part of me still hopes he will land some jail time since probation obviously didn't work, but it depends on what the judge says.  He is stuck with a public defender though which is like a death sentence.  Oh, and I'm started to hear from Sarah again.  Every so often she will comment on a fb update or "like" it.  but she hasn't really spoken to me at all and it's been like over a month.

Oh great, the stupid neighbor's car is out.  Ugh.

<3,
me

12:04pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:54pm

Hey Sweets,
how are ya?  I was so bored today I actually started doing 2 things: typing up the last volume of the nb onto my Ipod and studying.  I got the 4 week package so I need to crack down on my studies but hopefully I can finish with Massageprep.com for good and then start saving up to take my exam.  All the while I will be studying so HOPEFULLY by sometime this year I can finally take the exam again and THIS time pass it.  I really want to be a doolah.  But I will take any job I can find.  I've kind of been bad though--I need to start SOAP charting for Jim.  I hadn't thought of doing that because I didn't consider it a real job but it's been almost a year now so I need to start charting.  I have a whole bunch of SOAP notes somewhere but of course I can't find them.

So... it feels good to be back in the swing of things.  I've been so bored not studying or anything since my laptop broke but now that I can still do the story AND use my dad's computer to study, I really don't see a use for another computer.  Maybe after I am finally REALLY done with MassagePrep I can get myself an IPad or something.  I saw a cool Tmobile tablet thing for $179 but I'm not exactly sure what it's for.

So, I've been thinking a lot about Larry.  And you know... I know in my heart that he likes me.  I don't need a million texts a day to tell me that.  I can also see that he hasn't forgotten how he feels about me one bit. But I am still guarded because of what happened so I think that when I'm ready for something more serious, I have to be the one to say something.  Unless he gets sick of waiting and beats me to it.  A couple of months ago all i wanted was to fast forward time because I wanted to see how I would be.  But now... I am enjoying not having to answer to anyone.  I like that Larry and I still have that spark but he will always be there when I need him, too.  But i still need to focus on me and get my shit together.  I guess this year is the year of me.  Lol.  I still want to see how he and I will end up together but not right now.
And this is the way to do it, too.  Not by being up someone's ass all the time and worrying if they like you and all that jazz.  Just taking REAL time to figure things out and not pushing anything.  I know that he likes me and he knows that I like the fact that he is the last person I've done anything with and I want to keep it that way.  Jeez--this time last year I was already sleeping over at Barry's house and my parents still didn't know I was seeing anyone because I made such a huge deal out of staying single after the whole Ryan thing.  Maybe this was the break I was supposed to take last year?  Lol.

Anyway, I'm gonna finish up watching Breaking Dawn.  I'm still not done with the cupcakes.  2 more left!

<3,
me

12:22am
5/9/2012

May 2nd, 2012

May 2nd, 2012
3:23pm

Hey Chels,
I cannot even begin to describe how I'm feeling today.  I am just so happy right now.  On Monday I heard from Larry.  Not the usual polite conversation but actually a whole conversation that lasted the entire day.  It was so nice to be able to talk like that with him again.  He wanted to see me yesterday but I had plans so he made plans but then mine got cancelled plus all that shit that happened with my dad so I was not a happy camper yesterday.  But he came to the park and I got to see him and it was so nice.  The last time we had seen each other things were so up in the air still.  I was still grieving over my ex and while I'm still not completely over what happened, I know I never want to have anything to do with him and he knows it too and thankfully is leaving me alone.  It really hurt at first, the sudden behavior change (Larry).  But I know why he felt the way he did.  And being apart and quiet was right for both of us at the time.  But seeing him last night and getting to be with him was so nice because I knew this was someone who would always be there for me no matter what, even if all I did want from him was friendship.
The last time I had seen him I kept thinking about what it would be like the next time and if I could even go on like this and worrying about making him feel like a rebound and all of this other stuff.  I was worried about one of us falling too fast and I didn't want to hurt him.  But after last night it felt better because it was just us and not all of the other stuff that I hadn't worked out yet.  So I could kiss him and feel happy about it and not like I just needed SOMEONE to kiss me.  That weekend of the tattoo convention is what did it for me.  That's when Geoff had drunken texted me about the FWB situation.  I realized then that I very well could have done whatever I wanted to and let it be that, but I still liked the fact that Larry was the last person I had been with and I wanted to keep it that way.  And then on Sunday when my ex texted me--I did think of going over there but then I felt like I didn't want to go out by myself and then I was thinking about who would go with me and then I just realized that I absolutely do not want to drag anyone else into my problems.  And then I just told him he should just have someone pick it up because I didn't to deal with him at all.  Once he got his stuff and I knew he wouldn't bother me, I knew it was really over.  I will admit that yeah, it does suck ass that someone who could always talk to me about anything chose to keep this a secret from me.  That wound will take a while to heal. But I can't change what happened, I can be strong and brave enough to stand alone until I find someone worthy to stand by my side.

Chels, I really wish I was coming to visit you.  If I didn't need my car fixed, I'd be all over it.  I miss you so much.

<3,
me

3:55pm

May 1st, 2012

May 1st, 2012
5:22pm

Hey Chels,
Holy shit, it's May already!  This year is just flying by, isn't it?  Crazy.  So... I am SO pissed off right now.
My dad had his acupuncture appointment today.  Which, if you know my dad, is a pretty huge deal.  Last week we had Dr Renee who worked on my back when I had a pinched nerve in high school.  She felt like this other doctor was better suited to handle my dad's case so we had an appointment with him today.  He was so mean!  He was not being sensitive to my dad's needs at all and he was hardly in the room.  And he wouldn't shut up about these herbs that were prescribed to him the week before.  We couldn't buy them because I didn't have my wallet on me and my dad didn't have any money on him, either.  I talked to my mom about it later and she said she had talked to the manufacterer of these herbs when they were prescribed a few years ago and he was having problems with them and the guy said a man who is having bleeding problems shouldn't be taking herbs.  What that doctor failed to understand is that my dad's not just on pain meds.  He's on certain meds he'll have to be on forever that he's been on since the stroke happened.  Plus he is a diabetic.  So he has thin blood.  So trying to push herbs on someone without fully understanding his history and trying to make it sound like we're idiots for being cautious is completely unacceptable.
Then he wanted to see him again on Thursday and asked if that worked for us.  I told him that my dad's trigger point therapy appointment was next Monday so maybe Tuesday would work and he was like, "look, you hired me."  And then some other bullshit I don't remember because I was too mad. but he made it sound like I sought him out (which I didn't even do, he was recommended to us by someone else.  I didn't even know this fucktard existed until last week) and then failed to do what he suggested.  He just wanted us to be compliant and do what he said and not give him any lip about it.  Um, excuse me.  He must not have gotten the memo on who the fuck I am.  I've had boyfriends and countless people at the dogtrack talk to me that way and I hate it.  So I told him I understood what he was saying but he didn't have to be rude about it.  He was like, "I don't think I'm being rude."  Well, of course YOU don't!  Ugh.
I didn't even bother making another appointment to see that doctor.  I told the receptionist we would play it by ear and then got the fuck out as soon as I could.

My job is simple:  Make sure shit goes smoothly.  Some days it means just making sure my dad gets up and has breakfast and is able to take his meds on time and whatever pain he's in isn't too bad.  Other times it's getting him out and interacting with people.  But when he has doctor appointments I am his eyes and his ears.  I have to be because my dad will almost always get confused because of his aphasia.  But all I really want is for him to feel like he's being taken care of and understood.  And if he's upset it takes a minute for me to cheer him up.  I am a great diffuser.  But damn I mean.... it took everything I had not to go completely apeshit on him. Ugh!

More later!

Love,
me

6:58pm