June 4th, 2012

June 4th, 2012
8:34pm

Awwww,
If it were this time last year, your wedding anniversary would have been on a Sunday and we would have had a fun day at the beach.  I just wrote this in a letter to you but I'm gonna say it in here, too--tomorrow is the 4 month anniversary of when I found out that Barry was in jail.  I can't believe it's been 4 whole months.  It doesn't seem like that long ago and at the same time, it seems like forever since it happened.  Yet it still feels raw.  I decided something else today.  I don't give myself enough breaks--like when my dad got sick and then I freaked out so badly.  I was just feeling better about Barry and I was trucking along just doing my own thing and then bam--a reminder of the past 4 months came along.  But my dad is back from the hospital and I feel a lot better.  I wasn't even given time to recouperate from my trip, either.  Oh and I realized something about Larry, too.  I shouldn't be the one working so hard and worrying about what he's feeling every single second.  If he wants to be with me, he will show me in his own time.  But I can't make him want me, especially when I know that I'm not ready to give my heart away again.  And also, I can't control what he does.  I don't think he'd sleep with a million women but since we're not together right now I can't stop him from doing it.  But he can't stop me, either.  It's not even like I want anyone else but if I'm offered cuddles from someone and I feel like I need them, if he's not around then that's not my problem.  Thing is--I just don't want to deal with any man right now.  It's too tiring.  Oh!  And you'll be happy that I went all day without texting him once.  He never texted me either but it's okay.  I thought about it but I didn't do it and I'm so proud of myself.
I'm not gonna lie, a part of me is still hopeful that he'll text me but I can do without it.  Maybe THIS will be the "redo" vacation that I haven't gotten in the past couple weeks--assuming my dad continues to get better. Anyways, I'm tired for now so I'm gonna go.

<3 ya!
Rita bo Bita

8:52pm