11:45pm
Hey Sweets,
Well... in 15 minutes your 6 year wedding anniversary will be over. I just can't believe it's been that long. But you know... as much as you might feel bad for it not working out, I just don't think there was anything you could have done. There was no way to know the exact magnitude of the whole environment unless you were there for yourself, which you were. But you made it this far. And yeah there are always goals to make for yourself but look at you--you never gave up! You are still here and I thank God that you are still in my life because honestly, these past 10 years would be SO different had you not been in my life. I have never had a friendship like this one--I've had great friendships and I love all of my friends--but no one has touched me the way that you have. Not in a dirty way lol, just... well you know what I mean. Even when we weren't talking, it didn't feel right. The whole time I just kept thinking: "Chelsea should be a part of this," and being pissed off that you weren't. At the time I didn't see how fucked up my "relationship" with Ryan was. What normal person would get mad if his girlfriend started talking to her best friend again? Is it that bad? Damn.
You know... I am so glad I don't have to be someone's girlfriend right now. I wish I had had the strength to turn Barry down so I could have just been single for a while. But if I hadn't of met him then I wouldn't have met Stephanie and I wouldn't have been with her on Memorial Day weekend... and God knows what would have happened if she was at that country house alone with matt. Plus I was able to be there for her and Sarah when Barry went to jail, I got to know what happened to Korey (he went crazy) and I got to meet Killer. So... I guess that yet again "everything happens for a reason."
So... tomorrow I'm going to get my nails done, go to Wild Roots and get the shirt I wanted to buy last time but couldn't, then grab something to eat. I wish I didn't have to bring my phone with me but I have to bring it in case my dad calls me. I am really starting to enjoy getting my life back. I used to hate my cell and never checked it but in the past few years I've grown way too attached to it. I think when I'm at home and both my parents are home I won't be so obsessed with it. I've just gotten so used to be in constant contact with people that it becomes a habit, but I am enjoying the freedom of being without it.
So... I know I still have to write about Memorial Day weekend, but I am going to have to crap out of that one. I wrote about it in my LJ and frankly I don't have the energy for a play-by-play. But I will say this--Stephanie FINALLY made a decision and moved out of her apartment on Sunday and for some reason she's surprised that KC hasn't contacted her. But at the same time... she needs to get a little distance not just from him but from the whole situation. She moved out of her place so he could get his stuff out in peace so I'm not sure what she expects him to say to her besides, "I found a place to live and my stuff is out, you can come back now." And on the other hand, Matt still won't leave her alone. His new pitch is that he's going to quit drinking, but if he really wanted to do that he'd be doing it already. How many alcoholics did I leave that are STILL drinking? 3. And one heroin addict who I am sure is still doing whatever he's doing. It's typical addict behavior, too. They find a girl who is vulnerable and promise that girl the world, then when they get their claws in, they change. or show who they REALLY are. Then the girl is always stuck with the decision to leave or stay. It's no wonder why we go crazy sometimes. BUT! There are those nice guys who really do care and who will give a girl room to breathe. But the problem is that by the time these boys come around, the girl has already heard so much bullshit that she's not prepared for the truth and it's a huge vicious cycle. I am happy to say that at least I don't have any addicts coming after me. It was one of the things I prayed for. I was REALLY done with the addict after Ryan, but this one just kind of came out of nowhere.
I have so much more to say but I need to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I love you and will write soon.
<3,
me
6/6/12
12:27am
Ps.... day 2 of my little "experiment" and I succeeded. Yay me!
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