June 1st, 2012

June 1st, 2012
9:18am

Hey Chels,
I want so badly to text Larry right now and tell him that I am mad at him but I don't know if doing that will make me feel better or worse.  If none of this shit happened with my dad then none of this would be an issue. I really thought we were doing fine and for the past couple of weeks he's been kind of quiet and I figured he needed some space or whatever.  But then Wednesday happened and I felt like I needed him and he talked to me a little bit but not really.  And yesterday was just awful.  I called him right after my dad had another seizure and I knew he wouldn't be able to answer right away but I didn't think he would just blow me off completely.  I just don't get it.  Like this whole thing... since everything happened with Barry he had been telling me I was worth waiting for and all this other stuff and now I feel like maybe it was all in my head.  It's not like I got the idea to like him by myself.  But I thought we could at least look past all that in an emergency situation.  I just really needed him and he didn't show up at all and I don't know what the fuck is going on or what to do about it. A part of me doesn't even want to deal with it and just wait until he texts me (which could actually take a while) and another part of me wants this resolved right now. That part of me wants him to know that I'm mad at him even though I really don't want to be.  And then ask him what in the heck is going on and see if he even answers.  Cuz that's the issue--what if he doesn't even answer me?  You know what--fuck that.  I am just going to bite the big one and try talking to him now.  I don't want to be sitting on this all weekend.  And if he doesn't answer me back or tell me what's up or anything then... I don't know.

9:38am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:07pm

Okay--so I texted him "hey" right after I wrote that and I still haven't heard from him so... if I don't hear from him for the rest of the day I'm not gonna bother him again until he either texts me first or Tuesday, whichever comes first.  And then I want to say something like: "look.  I know this isn't really the greatest timing, but I need to talk to you about something." And when he asks about what I'll just say that I feel like something is going on but I'm not sure what because I mean...after we saw each other everything was great for a while but then you got quiet on me again so...I don't know if I did something or if you're just needing some space yourself right now or what.  I just don't know what to think right now.
And then hopefully he'll be honest with me and tell me what's up and we can have an actual conversation.   I don't want to be all crazy blowing up his phone and demanding that he talk to me.  I want him to just be honest and let me know what's going on.  I really can't think of anything specific that I did wrong that would make him act this way so that's why I'm thinking it has little to nothing to do with me and he's actually going through something completely different. For all I know it's a combination of things.  But I am going to tell him that something that is bothering me is the fact that in the beginning it seemed like you liked me and you even told me that you would be the luckiest man in the world if we were together and I was worth waiting for and now... I'm not so sure what you're feeling.  We can talk about sex just fine but that's about it.  And you showed me a little bit of what being with you would be like and now... I dunno.  I did tell you it would be a while before I wanted to be in a relationship again and you were okay with that.  We even stopped having sex because we both didn't want our whole relationship to just be about sex but when we saw each other again I thought we were past all that and for the next couple of weeks that's what it seemed like and then you stopped talking again.... mostly I'm just trying to make sense of this whole thing and I wish we could just have a discussion and fix it right now.  And my friend Steph even said that it probably wouldn't hurt as much if we hadn't of been through everything that we've been through and she's exactly right.  If we were just friends with no potential for anything more it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't really talking to me right now.  But I really needed him as a friend in the the past two days and he was there a little bit but he never called me back and still hasn't sent me a text back.  So I'm all out of ideas.  I'm trying so hard not to be TOO pissed and I want to see how I feel in the next few days before blowing up at him.  I just need the weirdness explained and I wish he'd talk to me!  Ugh.

So... I am going to get something to eat and then take a shower and then visit my dad for a while.  Oh and I also need to take Snickers out for a walk.  Maybe I'll do that later, I dunno.  But for right now I have to eat something.

12:45pm