May 2nd, 2012

May 2nd, 2012
3:23pm

Hey Chels,
I cannot even begin to describe how I'm feeling today.  I am just so happy right now.  On Monday I heard from Larry.  Not the usual polite conversation but actually a whole conversation that lasted the entire day.  It was so nice to be able to talk like that with him again.  He wanted to see me yesterday but I had plans so he made plans but then mine got cancelled plus all that shit that happened with my dad so I was not a happy camper yesterday.  But he came to the park and I got to see him and it was so nice.  The last time we had seen each other things were so up in the air still.  I was still grieving over my ex and while I'm still not completely over what happened, I know I never want to have anything to do with him and he knows it too and thankfully is leaving me alone.  It really hurt at first, the sudden behavior change (Larry).  But I know why he felt the way he did.  And being apart and quiet was right for both of us at the time.  But seeing him last night and getting to be with him was so nice because I knew this was someone who would always be there for me no matter what, even if all I did want from him was friendship.
The last time I had seen him I kept thinking about what it would be like the next time and if I could even go on like this and worrying about making him feel like a rebound and all of this other stuff.  I was worried about one of us falling too fast and I didn't want to hurt him.  But after last night it felt better because it was just us and not all of the other stuff that I hadn't worked out yet.  So I could kiss him and feel happy about it and not like I just needed SOMEONE to kiss me.  That weekend of the tattoo convention is what did it for me.  That's when Geoff had drunken texted me about the FWB situation.  I realized then that I very well could have done whatever I wanted to and let it be that, but I still liked the fact that Larry was the last person I had been with and I wanted to keep it that way.  And then on Sunday when my ex texted me--I did think of going over there but then I felt like I didn't want to go out by myself and then I was thinking about who would go with me and then I just realized that I absolutely do not want to drag anyone else into my problems.  And then I just told him he should just have someone pick it up because I didn't to deal with him at all.  Once he got his stuff and I knew he wouldn't bother me, I knew it was really over.  I will admit that yeah, it does suck ass that someone who could always talk to me about anything chose to keep this a secret from me.  That wound will take a while to heal. But I can't change what happened, I can be strong and brave enough to stand alone until I find someone worthy to stand by my side.

Chels, I really wish I was coming to visit you.  If I didn't need my car fixed, I'd be all over it.  I miss you so much.

<3,
me

3:55pm