June 11th, 2012

June 11th, 2012
12:53pm

Hey Sweets,
So, how are you doing today?  I am actually feeling a little bit hungover today which is weird because I didn't drink anything yesterday.  I did feel completely exhausted when I came home but I went to sleep early and woke up and felt like a trainwreck.  So I dunno.
So... I have been watching this show called Teen Mom with the original girls from the first 16 and Pregnant show.  I watched the second batch and then after that I was done because I couldn't take how stupid everyone was but I love these girls.  I hate how everyone says how the show made all these girls get pregnant because really... what were 16 year old girls doing before the show?  Oh, right.  Getting pregnant!  So anyway, it just got me thinking about my own life.  When I was a teenager, I thought 23 was the perfect age to get married.  At the time I was still a virgin and didn't really know anything about sex or boys.  I knew enough from observing everyone else but up until I met Mike, all I had experienced was kissing (there was this one incident where my then-boyfriend tried to get on top of me and started humping me but I completely froze up and after 2 tries he gave up).  We never talked about it afterwards.  Everything was fine until he started listening to his shitty friends.  But anyways....
As I got older I was afraid of marriage for a while.  Even when Brian had asked me, I couldn't be completely happy about it because deep down I knew he wasn't the One.  Then came Ryan and I thought he was perfect because he didn't want marriage or kids.  But then he started talking about us having children and even asked me what I'd say if he asked me to marry him and I had said yes and then he started treating me like garbage.
So... now when I think about marriage and kids, I've come to this conclusion: I would really like it if I could just find someone out there who I trusted not to hurt me--at least not the way I've been hurt.  I want him to be like my best friend but also so much more than that.  I want to just be myself and have someone love me for me at this exact moment in time. When I decided the other half of what I'd like my child to be, then I'll have kids.  But I want to get married first because I'd like to love someone enough to get up in front of everyone else that I love and declare my love to that man.  Because that's what I believe marriage is really about--loving someone enough to get up and announce it to God and man and when you have found that person, why make them feel like, "oh, you can have babies with me but you can't marry me?"  That's kind of fucked up.  Although I know plenty of women who don't want to get married and that's fine.  I'm just saying this is how I feel.

Even with Barry, I never truly knew what he felt.  He confused me from start to finish and it's not even because oh he's so smart he can't relate to anyone.  That's bullshit.  (on a side note, I can hear my dog in the living room trying to catch a fly, lol!)  No, it's because he likes it that way.  He just wants to feel like no one will ever understand him to give him an excuse for his shitty behavior.  So of course when all he does is feed excuses to everyone with a drug-addled brain, he's just gonna say whatever at the moment.  But he's not gonna do it anymore to me so oh well.

Ugh I have to go to the bathroom, then eat and get ready for a doc appt today (for my dad).

<3,
Rita B.B.

1:27pm
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5:09pm

Hey Chels,
Yay it's almost time for my group!  I haven't seen anyone in a while and I feel like I really need to go.  Ever since Friday I've just been feeling really sad for whatever reason and I still don't really undrstand why and I haven't really cried about it either.  But I guess it's like... just visiting Stephanie and hearing about her cousin really put things in perspective for me.  Fuck what he did to me--I'm nobody.  She was his FAMILY and he chose to basically give his whole family the finger.  I would excpect that behavior from some young kid who got lost and was looking for something--but not him.  I guess addiction really doesn't have a face and all that but I guess feel like that's a cop out.  And this whole thing about how he openly admitted to wanting to experience life on Chris's level?  What the fuck for?  You've been experiencing it since he was 12, what more do you need?  Fucking dumb ASS.  I guess a lot of my sadness comes from anger in knowing that he hurt his family way more than he ever could have hurt me.  I don't even care about Jenelle or whatever shit he posted about me on Facebook.

<3,
me

5:19pm