January 7th, 2014
6:14pm
Hey Chels,
I am pretty sure it’s a combination of me PMSing and you having Bridal Brain… and I’m not even sure if I’m going to show you this but I want you to know that I am very annoyed with you today. First of all… I picked the day that I picked because I’m not missing Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend even though it’s cheaper to fly Tuesday and Wednesday before your party. And also… I’m not paying $227 to wake up at 4am, nor am I paying $339 for an afternoon flight. And I’m certainly not going to pay for you to have to wake up at 4am the next morning after your party, either. I changed my flight to the next day and I still feel like you aren’t even being grateful about it. My job has made it so that if I’m not physically in the house to call them from the house phone, I don’t get paid for that day. So I’m taking time out of my schedule to come on this trip with you and I feel like you are more worried about your party than anything else. Plus I think it’s ridiculous that Brian would agree to pay for a cabride...from Ft Lauderdale to Boynton Beach, it’s gonna be $90-$100 easy. Also it pisses me off that you and I haven’t seen each other since 2011 and the first thing you say to me when I tell you what time I’m coming in is that you don’t know if you can leave your party to come get me. It’s your party!!! I’m pretty sure people will understand if you have to leave for a while. It happens all the time. Or if you had the party earlier in the day so by the time it comes time for you to pick me up they’ll either be gone or just leaving, it won’t be as big a deal. I feel like you turned it into something that it didn’t have to be turned into. But I’m still not going to make anyone pay for a cab for me… especially people I know aren’t made of money. So now my flight is for the next day which isn’t bad. And I made it not for your benefit so much as mine. Because I am going out of my way to go see you, I feel like it’s less stressful for me to just go the next day and not worry about who’s going to come get me and how much money is being spent doing so. I could be really selfish and make Brian pay for a cab but I think that’s really bad karma on my part. I really just want this to be like a vacation for myself so I’m just gonna get over it and move on with my life but you have to understand that there’s more than 1 person involved in getting me to the airport and rearranging time so that this can happen. I have to make sure that my mom can take the time off and that my dad is okay enough to stay by himself for a while and that Mark has enough to pay for taxis around town if he has to and I’m not making my mom wake up at 4am to drop me off at the airport or anything like that. The thing that pissed me off the most was that you said that you don’t mind waking up early to come get me. Well… I most certainly do mind not only waking up buttcrack ass early but spending more money to do it. I feel like… like I said, I don’t know if this is just your brain or if this is bridal brain, not really thinking of anything more than what has to do with you and your wedding. Not to mention… you and Brian are moving in the middle of winter. Not sure why but it’s not like driving in Florida. I don’t even know what the weather is going to be like, or if my flight will be cancelled or not. This is something to consider while driving. Mountain driving is way different than South Florida driving. I just hope that somewhere in your brain you think that it does make sense for me to just come the next day if you’re not going to leave your party. And even though I’m doing it because it’s the best for me, I don’t want you to have to miss your party so I’m doing it for you too. I’m already doing all this stuff for you, all this notebook stuff, getting you a really kick ass care package, taking time out of my schedule to go on this trip with you because you asked me to, and making sure you don’t have to spend any money on me whatsoever. The least you could do is just be thankful that I’m coming at all and leave it at that and get your head out of your ass. I’m trying to be sensible here and rational and not blow up at you. But please realize that you make it difficult when it just seems like all you care about is the party and then telling me you’ll get a taxi for me or something when I know that costs money. I’m not sure how much you guys are getting back on your taxes but I do know that you’re going to need whatever you can save up. I just hope I can get past this. I’m pretty sure I will and I’ll just treat it like it’s a mini vacation and not worry about anything.
Anyway…. like I said before, I’m not sure if this note will even see the light of day. I’m just hoping that this is all a fluke and we can just focus on the good stuff and put this behind us. You’re just being so freaking weird!! ugh.
love you,
Rita
6:48pm
This is a notebook project that was started by my best friend and myself, but has since been abandoned. We had a good run but this is all that's left of our friendship. I'm keeping these public because, well... I can.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Revelations...
January 5th, 2014
1:45am
Hey Chels,
It's really amazing to me, the amount of writing I get done when I actually make it a point to write. I think I've written more in the past few days than I have in the past few months :/. I'm sorry. But anyway...
So today I was going through your volume 5 and I came across something. You had an idea for a new beginnings notebook, and you wanted us to write out all the things we wanted to have happen to us in the next year. I think I'm going to try that out next Friday when I do my meditations so they will be written in more than one place. I have no idea how much material I even have now but I'm guessing it's at least 3 notebooks worth. I really need to start printing out the stuff I have now so I can start putting it in the notebooks. I'm sorry there won't be any handwritten notebooks for a while but I think I'm just going to buy a new notebook soon, maybe on the 11th, and just start the new nb which I want it to be an activity/arty/photo kind of journal. I think that is what I will do. Only write in here until next Friday and then go out and start the new beginnings journal that will correspond with my Venus cycle. So by the time we get up here, you will have: volumes 2,3, and 5. 4 is turning into a book, and the poetry book, plus whatever I have written of Angel Wings so far. Plus the chakra book, your own venus cycle book, and the tarot card journal which I am writing out by hand. So that's.... 9 books. So maybe by the time we see each other again, I will have volumes 12 and 14 ready for you. So.... I have time to get everything together, which is cool. I just miss being old school and actually writing in a notebook. I don't care if I have to type it out when I'm done, I'm ready to create another nb. Volumes 12 and 14 are ready to go they just need to be filled with entries before they can be sent to you. You know.... I think I am going to think of activities that are fairly easy so it doesn't require a lot of steps. Mainly it'll just be things that can be documented in picture/song/poem/journal entry form. And I am not sure how I want to set things up yet. Since you'll be living closer, you can have your own nb for me and I will have this one ready and you can do the activities and come up with your own for me to do and the next time we see each other, we will switch off. Like in the old days where we lived 25 minutes from each other and could hand off our notebooks.
Even though it's been a lot of work, I feel that this has been really liberating for me. I was reading through the David stuff today and my heart really went out to you. Now, you know I never liked him. I tried to like him and I put up with him for your benefit, but I never liked him. I hate how he never respected you, never showed you any love and always chose Lynne over you. I hated that he was so selfish and he gave up on his daughter. But after a while I realized that you would come to these conclusions on your own. As for his cheating on you... I don't think he did it just that one time. I think he always thought with his dick and would have screwed anybody who would have him. But that is his problem, not yours. I hope you know by now that what he did to you was on him, not you. You were young and in love and just went with whatever he wanted because you loved him. I don't think he consciously thought of all the ways he could take advantage of you. But I do think that he always thought of himself before anything. He and Jes might still be married, but she's stupider than you ever were. She sees the physical prize but looks fade eventually. And that in no way implies that they're happy. You found someone who knows what he has when he has you. He loves you, respects you, and encourages you to be independent. He wants you to be self sustaining. He's just happy to be in your perephery. He's happy you looked his way at all. And I'm really happy you found someone who loves you and knows how to treat you. You know, I understand why you freaked out about Mark. I was having trouble with what I wanted, and missed him so much. When we started dating for real, there was so much up in the air. But now... I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love him so much. And he tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is every day. I have felt more in the past 5 months with him than I ever felt with anyone else.
I feel like we both are so blessed. And on that note, sleep.
Love,
Me
1:45am
Hey Chels,
It's really amazing to me, the amount of writing I get done when I actually make it a point to write. I think I've written more in the past few days than I have in the past few months :/. I'm sorry. But anyway...
So today I was going through your volume 5 and I came across something. You had an idea for a new beginnings notebook, and you wanted us to write out all the things we wanted to have happen to us in the next year. I think I'm going to try that out next Friday when I do my meditations so they will be written in more than one place. I have no idea how much material I even have now but I'm guessing it's at least 3 notebooks worth. I really need to start printing out the stuff I have now so I can start putting it in the notebooks. I'm sorry there won't be any handwritten notebooks for a while but I think I'm just going to buy a new notebook soon, maybe on the 11th, and just start the new nb which I want it to be an activity/arty/photo kind of journal. I think that is what I will do. Only write in here until next Friday and then go out and start the new beginnings journal that will correspond with my Venus cycle. So by the time we get up here, you will have: volumes 2,3, and 5. 4 is turning into a book, and the poetry book, plus whatever I have written of Angel Wings so far. Plus the chakra book, your own venus cycle book, and the tarot card journal which I am writing out by hand. So that's.... 9 books. So maybe by the time we see each other again, I will have volumes 12 and 14 ready for you. So.... I have time to get everything together, which is cool. I just miss being old school and actually writing in a notebook. I don't care if I have to type it out when I'm done, I'm ready to create another nb. Volumes 12 and 14 are ready to go they just need to be filled with entries before they can be sent to you. You know.... I think I am going to think of activities that are fairly easy so it doesn't require a lot of steps. Mainly it'll just be things that can be documented in picture/song/poem/journal entry form. And I am not sure how I want to set things up yet. Since you'll be living closer, you can have your own nb for me and I will have this one ready and you can do the activities and come up with your own for me to do and the next time we see each other, we will switch off. Like in the old days where we lived 25 minutes from each other and could hand off our notebooks.
Even though it's been a lot of work, I feel that this has been really liberating for me. I was reading through the David stuff today and my heart really went out to you. Now, you know I never liked him. I tried to like him and I put up with him for your benefit, but I never liked him. I hate how he never respected you, never showed you any love and always chose Lynne over you. I hated that he was so selfish and he gave up on his daughter. But after a while I realized that you would come to these conclusions on your own. As for his cheating on you... I don't think he did it just that one time. I think he always thought with his dick and would have screwed anybody who would have him. But that is his problem, not yours. I hope you know by now that what he did to you was on him, not you. You were young and in love and just went with whatever he wanted because you loved him. I don't think he consciously thought of all the ways he could take advantage of you. But I do think that he always thought of himself before anything. He and Jes might still be married, but she's stupider than you ever were. She sees the physical prize but looks fade eventually. And that in no way implies that they're happy. You found someone who knows what he has when he has you. He loves you, respects you, and encourages you to be independent. He wants you to be self sustaining. He's just happy to be in your perephery. He's happy you looked his way at all. And I'm really happy you found someone who loves you and knows how to treat you. You know, I understand why you freaked out about Mark. I was having trouble with what I wanted, and missed him so much. When we started dating for real, there was so much up in the air. But now... I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love him so much. And he tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is every day. I have felt more in the past 5 months with him than I ever felt with anyone else.
I feel like we both are so blessed. And on that note, sleep.
Love,
Me
short but sweet
January 3rd, 2014
11:32pm
Hey Chels,
What up!!! It is almost midnight and I am freaking tired but I'm doing so good with this writing thing, I didn't want to ruin it. So... today I woke up toooooo early. But I spent all day watching netflix and working on nbs. I can't wait to buy a ticket!! I know there are some great spots to take pictures. And we can talk about wedding stuff in peace lol. I can't wait to finally be reunited with you!!! Ugh I am passing out as I write this. I promise to write more tomorrow. Love!
Me
11:32pm
Hey Chels,
What up!!! It is almost midnight and I am freaking tired but I'm doing so good with this writing thing, I didn't want to ruin it. So... today I woke up toooooo early. But I spent all day watching netflix and working on nbs. I can't wait to buy a ticket!! I know there are some great spots to take pictures. And we can talk about wedding stuff in peace lol. I can't wait to finally be reunited with you!!! Ugh I am passing out as I write this. I promise to write more tomorrow. Love!
Me
God helps those who help themselves...
January 3rd, 2014
12:46am
Hey Chels!!
I haven't been to sleep yet so technically it counts as writing everyday.... right? I sure do hope so. At any rate....
My dad is in a lot of pain tonight. My mom is in the bedroom coddling him and for some reason I am really annoyed at the whole thing. He just spent a month in the damn hospital, and he's supposed to be on a somewhat restricted diet. I am sure that doesn't include candy, which I know for a fact he's been eating. I'm not blaming it all on him because there might really be an issue there. But what I am saying is that he can't just go back to how things were before with all the junk food and expect things to be perfect. If I were in his shoes I would be staying away from the foods that were bad for me and staying with foods I knew weren't too hard on my tummy. I do feel bad for him and I don't want to see him back in the hospital but I'm just frustrated at the fact that he does absolutely nothing to help himself and my mom is constantly up his ass trying to do anything to make him feel better. And of course nothing can make him feel better because he won't do anything homeopathic to help himself. There could be a million reasons why he's in pain right now. I have no idea why but I suspect that his diet is a huge contribution. I don't doubt the pain. I'm just sick of the reaction to it. Why people can't just try to help themselves for real instead of relying on drugs I have no idea. I can't even do any energy work on him because he's not open to it. It exhausts me to put myself out there and get nothing back. He just can't break free from himself.
Now... regarding other matters... notebook stuff. I decided I'm going to get everything that I can finished by the 31st and then make my books. They should be over here by the time you move up here. I have two bins for you, but I'm going to see if they can all fit into one thing. I don't want either one to take up too much room in your car, unless you don't mind riding with them on the passenger seat after you drop me off. Also, I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. I didn't really respond to your texts because I was on my way to pick Mark up and my fingers were frozen, but aside from this strangness in your abdomen, I am so sorry about work. It's like nobody respects anybody in that place and I don't understand how hard it is to just leave someone's work space alone when they're not there or at least clean up after yourself. It takes like 2 seconds. I can't wait until you're out of that place. I'm glad you have a job, but I'm so tired of the way you are treated over there and I'm sure you are too. In my sigils I will write one for you, that you have the perfect job in Washington, Indiana that pays your bills and your coworkers all get along and respect each other. Although, it is something you should probably do for yourself, since I'd be adding my karma to yours and I can't burden you with that. But I can still pray for you and send you good energy.
Ugh my dog just jumped on me. I guess that makes it my bedtime, lol. I'm pretty sure my parents are going to be awake for a while but I need to pass out.
Love,
Me
12:46am
Hey Chels!!
I haven't been to sleep yet so technically it counts as writing everyday.... right? I sure do hope so. At any rate....
My dad is in a lot of pain tonight. My mom is in the bedroom coddling him and for some reason I am really annoyed at the whole thing. He just spent a month in the damn hospital, and he's supposed to be on a somewhat restricted diet. I am sure that doesn't include candy, which I know for a fact he's been eating. I'm not blaming it all on him because there might really be an issue there. But what I am saying is that he can't just go back to how things were before with all the junk food and expect things to be perfect. If I were in his shoes I would be staying away from the foods that were bad for me and staying with foods I knew weren't too hard on my tummy. I do feel bad for him and I don't want to see him back in the hospital but I'm just frustrated at the fact that he does absolutely nothing to help himself and my mom is constantly up his ass trying to do anything to make him feel better. And of course nothing can make him feel better because he won't do anything homeopathic to help himself. There could be a million reasons why he's in pain right now. I have no idea why but I suspect that his diet is a huge contribution. I don't doubt the pain. I'm just sick of the reaction to it. Why people can't just try to help themselves for real instead of relying on drugs I have no idea. I can't even do any energy work on him because he's not open to it. It exhausts me to put myself out there and get nothing back. He just can't break free from himself.
Now... regarding other matters... notebook stuff. I decided I'm going to get everything that I can finished by the 31st and then make my books. They should be over here by the time you move up here. I have two bins for you, but I'm going to see if they can all fit into one thing. I don't want either one to take up too much room in your car, unless you don't mind riding with them on the passenger seat after you drop me off. Also, I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. I didn't really respond to your texts because I was on my way to pick Mark up and my fingers were frozen, but aside from this strangness in your abdomen, I am so sorry about work. It's like nobody respects anybody in that place and I don't understand how hard it is to just leave someone's work space alone when they're not there or at least clean up after yourself. It takes like 2 seconds. I can't wait until you're out of that place. I'm glad you have a job, but I'm so tired of the way you are treated over there and I'm sure you are too. In my sigils I will write one for you, that you have the perfect job in Washington, Indiana that pays your bills and your coworkers all get along and respect each other. Although, it is something you should probably do for yourself, since I'd be adding my karma to yours and I can't burden you with that. But I can still pray for you and send you good energy.
Ugh my dog just jumped on me. I guess that makes it my bedtime, lol. I'm pretty sure my parents are going to be awake for a while but I need to pass out.
Love,
Me
2013 year in review (on Jan 1st, 2014)
January 1st, 2014
3:52pm
Hey Chels!!!
What up!!! It’s the first of the year and I’m so sorry I didn’t write last night. I was beating Mark at this video game we like to play, Tetris Attack. But… I’m beginning to remember to write everyday so I think I’ll get better. Anyhow… Happy new year!!! I’m so freaking excited about this year. Mostly because I’m in this relationship that I’ve been in for almost half a year now already and it’s freaking amazing to me. I did a whole bunch of cool stuff this year but I think that falling in love was the best thing I did. It seems stupid but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this happy and I’m glad that you and I worked our stuff out so I can share this with you. Also… it feels a little bit weird to me to be typing this on my computer instead of on my Nook but I figured since I was on my laptop anyway because I was working on Volume 5, I wanted to take a minute and write.
So… let’s see. We usually do this year in review things with our notebooks and before I forget I wanted to do mine. I dunno if you remember… you are preoccupied with a lot of stuff right now (as you rightfully should be). So… I’m going to do mine that I remember. Let’s see…
In January, I heard from Joe Zeppo, my ex’s brother and we hung out for a couple of months. It was cool at first but then it got weird because he was off his bipolar meds (which he obviously needed to be on) and he didn’t want to upset his brother. Also… I had a couple conversations with Mike and they were both weird and I didn’t like either one of them. It was just wrong for me to be involved with that whole group. Although I am fond of Joe, I see him as always being alone if he’s going to let his brother dictate his relationships. Also, my dad was on this stuff called Vimpat and he started getting really sick. The drug is supposed to be really good for seizures but most people get the side effects that he did that last for about 6 months. It was awful and he was in the hospital a lot. Also, I got to celebrate Shelly’s 30th birthday with her and a week later I got soooooo sick I couldn’t use my vocal cords for a few days, which sucked. But I’m glad that I went to Shelly’s party because I was one of the only people that showed up.
February I was involved in the Vagina Monologues, which was put on by my friend, Ze. This was an incredibly powerful show and it’s something I never would have done by myself and I felt honored to be a part of it. I met some awesome women and got to know a few of them a lot better. Also… I think this was when I started writing my books (I can’t really remember when I started those, maybe December 2012? Or early in the year). Had a really cool Valentine’s Day with Joe, he came over and brought me flowers and a huge sushi plate and we watched movies and had a blast hanging out in my room.
March was when things started getting really fucked up. Things with Joe came to a head when he was supposed to hang out with me on his birthday but hung out with his brother instead so I went to my friend Alex’s party by myself and fell over a little kid who couldn’t roller skate and messed my knee up really badly. We saw each other on Easter for the last time. Also, I started talking to Larry again and he was trying to weasel his way back into my life (more like pants) and we started kind of seeing each other again. And my dad was starting to get more and more sick from this drug and he was in the hospital at least 5 times at this point. It was really rough. Also, I missed my February/March payment for my credit card so I had to give half of my tax return money to the vultures who didn’t care that my dad was sick. The bitches. I also got to celebrate Rachel’s and Alex’s 30th b’days with them, which was nice.
In April, Larry and I were kind of seeing each other again but I still felt really confused by it. We were in this loop of talking/not talking, hooking up/not hooking up, I didn’t know what fuck was going on but I couldn’t stop it, either. ugh. And also, my dad finally got off the Vimpat. The doctors finally listened to me and my mom when we said that he was barfing everyday because of this stuff. So they gave him another seizure med and he hasn’t had that issue since. Also in April, I had this weird conversation with Mark where he admitted to having feelings for me and then I never heard from him again (until I found out he was back in IL in like June).
In May, I went to my very first Elf Fest! Despite all the rain, it was really awesome. I met lots of awesome people and just felt so connected to the land. I found out later that this guy we camped with had a huge crush on me and thought that we were going to hook up even though he had gotten this girl pregnant. They are still together even though I still feel as if he is a huge douche. I brought your notebooks with me and got to read them and it was so nice having time to write and hang out with my friends and not worry about my dad for a minute and dance around the fire. I never felt as connected to the land as I did back then. And that’s when I decided that you need to live closer to me so you can experience these things with me.
In June… things started to change for me. I found out Mark was back a few days after Larry and I hooked up for the last time. He went on a trip to Columbus and never texted me and I got pissed. I went over to where Mark was, which was in Belvidere where he was living with Kristin. She had just gotten in trouble for a domestic against her husband and she found her own place to live although she didn’t have any plans to leave him (stupid). Mark and I hung out all day and it was just like old times and everything was cool until Kristin flipped her shit and acted all stupid. Anyway… about a week after that, Mark and I started talking again and then we just kind of continued talking and near the end of the month we were talking about being together but things were so up in the air and crazy. At the end of the month, you and your man came to visit Indiana and I got to see you!! And even though Kristin tried her shit on me, we still had an awesome time and I am so happy we got to hang out even for a little bit. I can’t wait until you get here!!!! Also, I started transcribing our notebooks!
In July, Mark and I decided this was the beginning of something. After Kristin bombarded his phone and tried to scare me away but I wouldn’t let her, he and I spent like 2 hours on the phone and talked things out. We made plans to hang out the next day (July 2nd) and we got to have a driving around day with Geoff. I drove him back to his apartment and we made plans for the next week. For 2 whole days on the 8th and 9th, we got to have a visit and we kissed and made love for the first time. Then I heard from Larry and told him off for the first time ever. Also, at the end of the week, Kristin finally flipped her shit and called the police on Mark so he and I couldn’t be together but it just propelled us into what we have now. Also, for the 4th of July, I got to spend it with Ze playing Cards Against Humanity and watching fireworks over the Kane County Cougars stadium. Mark went to jail from July 13th to August 6th. Also, on the 21st, I lost my ring with the green topaz that Beverly gave me years ago :(. I still miss it.
Sometime in between July and August, I went to visit Mark in jail and wrote him every single day. I thought it was something I could get over but I soon realized that I was so depressed without him. I have wanted to be with him since I was 13 and I finally got a chance and even though all that stupid stuff happened, I decided that I wanted to be with him. You didn’t know any of this because I was trying to figure it out for myself and there was just so much… it was kind of overwhelming. So… on August 6th, when he got out of jail, we decided to make things official. It’s also when he started living at my house because Kristin is a psycho bitch. That weekend was the goddess retreat and I took him with me. It was quite the adventure and my friends didn’t really know what to think because I never said anything about having a boyfriend and all of a sudden I had one.
In September, I got to take Mark to Wild Magick. I got this letter from you saying you were upset that we were together and when I checked my messages I got this text from you saying you didn’t like my response to your letter and all this other jazz so we were in this weird funk for a while. Also, Angel was having some kind of hormonal meltdown so that camping trip was very strange to say the least. But… it was fun just being there. I can’t wait until you can join our goddess camp. Also… Mark started working at Beef Villa so now he has 2 jobs. And I started putting blogs up for this thing called AdSense. I still have no idea if it’s going to make money but I think it’s awesome to have everything I’ve ever written in a permanent place. Also in September (the first weekend), there was a goddess sleepover at my friend Tracy’s house. It was a bit of a drive, 2 hours, but so worth it. And I got a new transmission in my car.
In October, I turned 31. It was a great birthday, Mark got to meet my family and everyone got along with each other, which was so nice. At this point I got at least 3 of the notebooks finished. Kristin tried her shit again when she bitched at Mark about Thanksgiving but she didn’t get very far. October was just a month of getting things done, finding a rhythm in working and just trucking along. This year for Halloween I stayed at home with Mark so we could carve pumpkins. It was nice :). Also, I got to see Hanson at the house of blues with my girl, Megan!! It was a nice pre-birthday present although I didn’t get what i wanted, which was a t-shirt. Oh well.
In November, an amazing thing happened. Not only did Mark and I finally go public (facebook official), Kristin beat up her sister and ran away to Idaho. Also… a couple days before Thanksgiving, my dad went into the hospital where he’d end up staying for almost a month. But my favorite thing that happened was Kristin leaving. It means that there’s no more drama for us and everyone can hang out and everything is cool. Except I don’t like the fact that she hit her sister and her kids have to suffer because she’s stupid, but whatever. Also, my dad went to Rush hospital and had to stay the night there because in a meeting he had a seizure and they didn’t want to send him home. We did make strides in getting the right treatment for his pain, a nerve stimulator which was supposed to be scheduled for December but he was in the hospital for so long that we had to reschedule. And I got a really horrible uti and had to wait until my period was over to get tested and medicine for it. Also… Thanksgiving was nice because it was just my mom, Mark, and me. Mark’s dad came into town and brought his motorbike and they hung out while my mom and I hung out at the hospital and then we made dinner. And it was your 30th birthday!!
December was a crappile until my dad came home. It was a bunch of scheduling days with a hospital trip (which makes it impossible to get anything done) but it ended up pretty awesome. I got to hang out with Kristin’s family the Monday before Christmas which was nice because they got to know me for me, had a white elephant present exchange with my tarot group and had a really nice and chill Christmas. And we got to hang out all day yesterday and today (New years!).
And that’s pretty much it! Wow that took freaking forever but I’m glad that I got this out of the way so from now on I can focus on whatever the day holds, instead of thinking about what I HAVEN’T written about. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me and I can’t wait to start counting down the days until you get here!
Love,
me
5:30pm
3:52pm
Hey Chels!!!
What up!!! It’s the first of the year and I’m so sorry I didn’t write last night. I was beating Mark at this video game we like to play, Tetris Attack. But… I’m beginning to remember to write everyday so I think I’ll get better. Anyhow… Happy new year!!! I’m so freaking excited about this year. Mostly because I’m in this relationship that I’ve been in for almost half a year now already and it’s freaking amazing to me. I did a whole bunch of cool stuff this year but I think that falling in love was the best thing I did. It seems stupid but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this happy and I’m glad that you and I worked our stuff out so I can share this with you. Also… it feels a little bit weird to me to be typing this on my computer instead of on my Nook but I figured since I was on my laptop anyway because I was working on Volume 5, I wanted to take a minute and write.
So… let’s see. We usually do this year in review things with our notebooks and before I forget I wanted to do mine. I dunno if you remember… you are preoccupied with a lot of stuff right now (as you rightfully should be). So… I’m going to do mine that I remember. Let’s see…
In January, I heard from Joe Zeppo, my ex’s brother and we hung out for a couple of months. It was cool at first but then it got weird because he was off his bipolar meds (which he obviously needed to be on) and he didn’t want to upset his brother. Also… I had a couple conversations with Mike and they were both weird and I didn’t like either one of them. It was just wrong for me to be involved with that whole group. Although I am fond of Joe, I see him as always being alone if he’s going to let his brother dictate his relationships. Also, my dad was on this stuff called Vimpat and he started getting really sick. The drug is supposed to be really good for seizures but most people get the side effects that he did that last for about 6 months. It was awful and he was in the hospital a lot. Also, I got to celebrate Shelly’s 30th birthday with her and a week later I got soooooo sick I couldn’t use my vocal cords for a few days, which sucked. But I’m glad that I went to Shelly’s party because I was one of the only people that showed up.
February I was involved in the Vagina Monologues, which was put on by my friend, Ze. This was an incredibly powerful show and it’s something I never would have done by myself and I felt honored to be a part of it. I met some awesome women and got to know a few of them a lot better. Also… I think this was when I started writing my books (I can’t really remember when I started those, maybe December 2012? Or early in the year). Had a really cool Valentine’s Day with Joe, he came over and brought me flowers and a huge sushi plate and we watched movies and had a blast hanging out in my room.
March was when things started getting really fucked up. Things with Joe came to a head when he was supposed to hang out with me on his birthday but hung out with his brother instead so I went to my friend Alex’s party by myself and fell over a little kid who couldn’t roller skate and messed my knee up really badly. We saw each other on Easter for the last time. Also, I started talking to Larry again and he was trying to weasel his way back into my life (more like pants) and we started kind of seeing each other again. And my dad was starting to get more and more sick from this drug and he was in the hospital at least 5 times at this point. It was really rough. Also, I missed my February/March payment for my credit card so I had to give half of my tax return money to the vultures who didn’t care that my dad was sick. The bitches. I also got to celebrate Rachel’s and Alex’s 30th b’days with them, which was nice.
In April, Larry and I were kind of seeing each other again but I still felt really confused by it. We were in this loop of talking/not talking, hooking up/not hooking up, I didn’t know what fuck was going on but I couldn’t stop it, either. ugh. And also, my dad finally got off the Vimpat. The doctors finally listened to me and my mom when we said that he was barfing everyday because of this stuff. So they gave him another seizure med and he hasn’t had that issue since. Also in April, I had this weird conversation with Mark where he admitted to having feelings for me and then I never heard from him again (until I found out he was back in IL in like June).
In May, I went to my very first Elf Fest! Despite all the rain, it was really awesome. I met lots of awesome people and just felt so connected to the land. I found out later that this guy we camped with had a huge crush on me and thought that we were going to hook up even though he had gotten this girl pregnant. They are still together even though I still feel as if he is a huge douche. I brought your notebooks with me and got to read them and it was so nice having time to write and hang out with my friends and not worry about my dad for a minute and dance around the fire. I never felt as connected to the land as I did back then. And that’s when I decided that you need to live closer to me so you can experience these things with me.
In June… things started to change for me. I found out Mark was back a few days after Larry and I hooked up for the last time. He went on a trip to Columbus and never texted me and I got pissed. I went over to where Mark was, which was in Belvidere where he was living with Kristin. She had just gotten in trouble for a domestic against her husband and she found her own place to live although she didn’t have any plans to leave him (stupid). Mark and I hung out all day and it was just like old times and everything was cool until Kristin flipped her shit and acted all stupid. Anyway… about a week after that, Mark and I started talking again and then we just kind of continued talking and near the end of the month we were talking about being together but things were so up in the air and crazy. At the end of the month, you and your man came to visit Indiana and I got to see you!! And even though Kristin tried her shit on me, we still had an awesome time and I am so happy we got to hang out even for a little bit. I can’t wait until you get here!!!! Also, I started transcribing our notebooks!
In July, Mark and I decided this was the beginning of something. After Kristin bombarded his phone and tried to scare me away but I wouldn’t let her, he and I spent like 2 hours on the phone and talked things out. We made plans to hang out the next day (July 2nd) and we got to have a driving around day with Geoff. I drove him back to his apartment and we made plans for the next week. For 2 whole days on the 8th and 9th, we got to have a visit and we kissed and made love for the first time. Then I heard from Larry and told him off for the first time ever. Also, at the end of the week, Kristin finally flipped her shit and called the police on Mark so he and I couldn’t be together but it just propelled us into what we have now. Also, for the 4th of July, I got to spend it with Ze playing Cards Against Humanity and watching fireworks over the Kane County Cougars stadium. Mark went to jail from July 13th to August 6th. Also, on the 21st, I lost my ring with the green topaz that Beverly gave me years ago :(. I still miss it.
Sometime in between July and August, I went to visit Mark in jail and wrote him every single day. I thought it was something I could get over but I soon realized that I was so depressed without him. I have wanted to be with him since I was 13 and I finally got a chance and even though all that stupid stuff happened, I decided that I wanted to be with him. You didn’t know any of this because I was trying to figure it out for myself and there was just so much… it was kind of overwhelming. So… on August 6th, when he got out of jail, we decided to make things official. It’s also when he started living at my house because Kristin is a psycho bitch. That weekend was the goddess retreat and I took him with me. It was quite the adventure and my friends didn’t really know what to think because I never said anything about having a boyfriend and all of a sudden I had one.
In September, I got to take Mark to Wild Magick. I got this letter from you saying you were upset that we were together and when I checked my messages I got this text from you saying you didn’t like my response to your letter and all this other jazz so we were in this weird funk for a while. Also, Angel was having some kind of hormonal meltdown so that camping trip was very strange to say the least. But… it was fun just being there. I can’t wait until you can join our goddess camp. Also… Mark started working at Beef Villa so now he has 2 jobs. And I started putting blogs up for this thing called AdSense. I still have no idea if it’s going to make money but I think it’s awesome to have everything I’ve ever written in a permanent place. Also in September (the first weekend), there was a goddess sleepover at my friend Tracy’s house. It was a bit of a drive, 2 hours, but so worth it. And I got a new transmission in my car.
In October, I turned 31. It was a great birthday, Mark got to meet my family and everyone got along with each other, which was so nice. At this point I got at least 3 of the notebooks finished. Kristin tried her shit again when she bitched at Mark about Thanksgiving but she didn’t get very far. October was just a month of getting things done, finding a rhythm in working and just trucking along. This year for Halloween I stayed at home with Mark so we could carve pumpkins. It was nice :). Also, I got to see Hanson at the house of blues with my girl, Megan!! It was a nice pre-birthday present although I didn’t get what i wanted, which was a t-shirt. Oh well.
In November, an amazing thing happened. Not only did Mark and I finally go public (facebook official), Kristin beat up her sister and ran away to Idaho. Also… a couple days before Thanksgiving, my dad went into the hospital where he’d end up staying for almost a month. But my favorite thing that happened was Kristin leaving. It means that there’s no more drama for us and everyone can hang out and everything is cool. Except I don’t like the fact that she hit her sister and her kids have to suffer because she’s stupid, but whatever. Also, my dad went to Rush hospital and had to stay the night there because in a meeting he had a seizure and they didn’t want to send him home. We did make strides in getting the right treatment for his pain, a nerve stimulator which was supposed to be scheduled for December but he was in the hospital for so long that we had to reschedule. And I got a really horrible uti and had to wait until my period was over to get tested and medicine for it. Also… Thanksgiving was nice because it was just my mom, Mark, and me. Mark’s dad came into town and brought his motorbike and they hung out while my mom and I hung out at the hospital and then we made dinner. And it was your 30th birthday!!
December was a crappile until my dad came home. It was a bunch of scheduling days with a hospital trip (which makes it impossible to get anything done) but it ended up pretty awesome. I got to hang out with Kristin’s family the Monday before Christmas which was nice because they got to know me for me, had a white elephant present exchange with my tarot group and had a really nice and chill Christmas. And we got to hang out all day yesterday and today (New years!).
And that’s pretty much it! Wow that took freaking forever but I’m glad that I got this out of the way so from now on I can focus on whatever the day holds, instead of thinking about what I HAVEN’T written about. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me and I can’t wait to start counting down the days until you get here!
Love,
me
5:30pm
Last entry of 2013
December 30th, 2013
10:52pm
Hey!!
Woot woot, I actually remembered that I had to write you today and now I'm doing it. Yay me!! So.... Today was a very good day. I got to spend it at home and not go out in the cold. It was so nice. I worked on volume 5 for a while and decided how I'm going to do things. I'm going to work on volume 5, angel wings and tarot poems from now until our road trip. I'm going to pull 4 cards everyday and then write as many as possible. Then once a week, maybe Thursdays, I'm going to add on to my story (i picked Thursday because I don't have to be anywhere and Mark has to work both jobs), and every day work on Volume 5. Then, a few days before the trip, no matter where I'm at in the story, I want to make a book of what I have so far. But if I pick a day to marathon write, I might finish it soon. And that will be awesome. The only part that sucks is that I wish it was nicer out so I could just be outside and write.
So..... I can't wait until this trip!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think we will get on each other's nerves I mean... I think we will be too freaking excited about this trip. I am already saving some money and I am already planning stuff in my head. I'm basically going to be taping the whole thing because I don't want Mark to miss anything. I know that's silly but I don't care lol. I'm testing it out now. Also, I'm going to bring two digital cameras and my camcorder for backups and to take actual pictures with. But the uploading is taking forever. Meh.
And let's see.... That's pretty much it for right now... I'm just gearing up for this trip. I will do some work to make sure things go smoothly for us and that you and Brian will get set up all snuggly. I have all these ideas and things rolling around in my brain and I can't wait to get started. Oh... I could start now. On January 11th of next year, the Venus cycle begins so we ask for what we want to manifest in our lives for the year. So... To begin with, the huge thing that I want is to be financially stable through my blog and this AdSense thing. It would be perfect because I love to write. And also, I would like to see if my friend Lea needs help. She is a counselor and I have learned so much from her. If she needs an assistant, I would love to be able to help. And I would love for Mark to find an apartment that is close to both jobs, clean and affordable. I'm not moving in with him for a while but I just want to be able to have some place to go that isn't here lol. And I want to find a non medical nursing job once my dad gets better. I am still going to be his assistant, just want to be able to be self sustaining. And for you, I am going to ask that everything works out in your favor. You have gone through so much and nothing feels like home anymore and plans are in the works to change your life for the better. This trip is only going to be the start of your new life with Brian :-).
And that's what I'm going to meditate on these next two Fridays and then start my journal.
Love!!
Rita
10:52pm
Hey!!
Woot woot, I actually remembered that I had to write you today and now I'm doing it. Yay me!! So.... Today was a very good day. I got to spend it at home and not go out in the cold. It was so nice. I worked on volume 5 for a while and decided how I'm going to do things. I'm going to work on volume 5, angel wings and tarot poems from now until our road trip. I'm going to pull 4 cards everyday and then write as many as possible. Then once a week, maybe Thursdays, I'm going to add on to my story (i picked Thursday because I don't have to be anywhere and Mark has to work both jobs), and every day work on Volume 5. Then, a few days before the trip, no matter where I'm at in the story, I want to make a book of what I have so far. But if I pick a day to marathon write, I might finish it soon. And that will be awesome. The only part that sucks is that I wish it was nicer out so I could just be outside and write.
So..... I can't wait until this trip!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think we will get on each other's nerves I mean... I think we will be too freaking excited about this trip. I am already saving some money and I am already planning stuff in my head. I'm basically going to be taping the whole thing because I don't want Mark to miss anything. I know that's silly but I don't care lol. I'm testing it out now. Also, I'm going to bring two digital cameras and my camcorder for backups and to take actual pictures with. But the uploading is taking forever. Meh.
And let's see.... That's pretty much it for right now... I'm just gearing up for this trip. I will do some work to make sure things go smoothly for us and that you and Brian will get set up all snuggly. I have all these ideas and things rolling around in my brain and I can't wait to get started. Oh... I could start now. On January 11th of next year, the Venus cycle begins so we ask for what we want to manifest in our lives for the year. So... To begin with, the huge thing that I want is to be financially stable through my blog and this AdSense thing. It would be perfect because I love to write. And also, I would like to see if my friend Lea needs help. She is a counselor and I have learned so much from her. If she needs an assistant, I would love to be able to help. And I would love for Mark to find an apartment that is close to both jobs, clean and affordable. I'm not moving in with him for a while but I just want to be able to have some place to go that isn't here lol. And I want to find a non medical nursing job once my dad gets better. I am still going to be his assistant, just want to be able to be self sustaining. And for you, I am going to ask that everything works out in your favor. You have gone through so much and nothing feels like home anymore and plans are in the works to change your life for the better. This trip is only going to be the start of your new life with Brian :-).
And that's what I'm going to meditate on these next two Fridays and then start my journal.
Love!!
Rita
Proposals and stuff...
December 29th, 2013
11:37pm
Hello gorgeous!!!!
Man, I miss writing in here. I've just been so preoccupied with my dad, other notebook stuff, and the holidays. But you know, I gotta get back into writing everyday so I think I'm going to make it a point throughout the day to write. So.... as you may know, loads of stuff has gone on since I last wrote. First off, you're engaged!!!! Can we talk about that for a second, please? I want to start out by saying that I believe I helped this happen. Remember all those full moon rituals I went to? Every single time I prayed to the universe in the past 2 years especially, I have prayed for you to find a good man. And look at everything else that has come out of that. Looking back at all these notebooks has really put in perspective for me how far we've come. And that's why I find it important to write everyday. But anyhow.... I am so happy for you!!!!!! Much different than the first time you were proposed to. I was pissed because I did not like david and I felt like you were making a huge mistake. And I was afraid of you being stuck with him. But you got through it and now you have someone who is a complete sweetheart who treats you like gold and you two compliment each other so well. So, I approve :).
So..... I do have to fill you in on what happened last week. It was Christmas week. Monday, Mark and I went to Belvidere to spend some time with his son. Let me just start by saying.... wow. It took me some time to get used to being there and nobody yelling at me. Corbin's parents (his maternal grandparents) were very kind to me and I got along fine with them. Audrey (the one who Kristin hit) didn't really talk to me at first but she warmed up to me very quickly. Corbin was shy at first but even we joked around a bit (as much as a 12 year old boy could joke around with a strange girl he only met once before). Actually he is 13 now because he just had a birthday. So... we left around 8 because the smoke was bothering both of us and stayed in our hotel room. We had to wake up early to take Corbin and Terri to the bus stop and then Audrey and her mom to walmart. After walmart we had breakfast, where Audrey told me that Kristin called her the night that I was over there and complained that we ditched her. Ummmm..... no. She wouldn't get in the car and chewed Mark's ass out for nothing for like half an hour. Stupid. I freaked Audrey out when I guessed what her breakfast choice was (mickey mouse pancakes). Also, I learned that Kristin's mom told the cops where she was so kris wouldn't give her the address of where they were so they had to give the presents that would have gone to kris's two small children to someone else. That's the real tragedy.
So, after we dropped them off, we went back home and I got to open a package from Beverly. Then we had Christmas Eve at the Cihak's, and I'm not sure what was wrong with Maddy but she was acting weird the whole night and when she caught Mark and me in her room she freaked and that kind of put a damper on the rest of the night. She wasn't joking, it was obvious she flipped out about it. And it upset me because for one I got yelled at for something similar by Kristin and for two, I would never do anything remotely sexual in Maddy's room and it's kind of insulting that she would think so.
Aside from that things were great. I got a Coach wallet from someone. Coach!! Holy shit. And pajamas. We all left around 10. Mark and I exchanged presents on Christmas day. I got him a book (how to be an explorer of the world) and a sketchbook. We are going to document our whole year together. I am calling it "365 random acts of cuteness". It'll be a nice way to document the year. I think every year I'm going to do something different to document my year. And then.... the rest of the week has just gone by. I had my writing group on Saturday and today i had a Venus workshop. Tomorrow it is supposed to be freaking cold and luckily no one has to go anywhere. I'm trying to think of a schedule where I can feel like nothing is being neglected and yet is realistic. I have this journal, my Angel Wings story (I want to get done before road trip), volume 5 (ditto) and volume 12 (finishing). Essentially I can wait to finish that and work on the immediate. Oh and my tarot poetry. That is actually coming along quite nicely. We will see what gets done, I try and do that poetry every day. The rest of it, we'll see how it goes and how much I have time for. I think I want to focus mainly on Volume 5 and the story right now.
Anyway, I want to play video games with my man right now until sleepytime. I love you and I promise you that I will dedicate more time to writing you.
Love,
Rita bo bita
12:24am
December 30th, 2013
11:37pm
Hello gorgeous!!!!
Man, I miss writing in here. I've just been so preoccupied with my dad, other notebook stuff, and the holidays. But you know, I gotta get back into writing everyday so I think I'm going to make it a point throughout the day to write. So.... as you may know, loads of stuff has gone on since I last wrote. First off, you're engaged!!!! Can we talk about that for a second, please? I want to start out by saying that I believe I helped this happen. Remember all those full moon rituals I went to? Every single time I prayed to the universe in the past 2 years especially, I have prayed for you to find a good man. And look at everything else that has come out of that. Looking back at all these notebooks has really put in perspective for me how far we've come. And that's why I find it important to write everyday. But anyhow.... I am so happy for you!!!!!! Much different than the first time you were proposed to. I was pissed because I did not like david and I felt like you were making a huge mistake. And I was afraid of you being stuck with him. But you got through it and now you have someone who is a complete sweetheart who treats you like gold and you two compliment each other so well. So, I approve :).
So..... I do have to fill you in on what happened last week. It was Christmas week. Monday, Mark and I went to Belvidere to spend some time with his son. Let me just start by saying.... wow. It took me some time to get used to being there and nobody yelling at me. Corbin's parents (his maternal grandparents) were very kind to me and I got along fine with them. Audrey (the one who Kristin hit) didn't really talk to me at first but she warmed up to me very quickly. Corbin was shy at first but even we joked around a bit (as much as a 12 year old boy could joke around with a strange girl he only met once before). Actually he is 13 now because he just had a birthday. So... we left around 8 because the smoke was bothering both of us and stayed in our hotel room. We had to wake up early to take Corbin and Terri to the bus stop and then Audrey and her mom to walmart. After walmart we had breakfast, where Audrey told me that Kristin called her the night that I was over there and complained that we ditched her. Ummmm..... no. She wouldn't get in the car and chewed Mark's ass out for nothing for like half an hour. Stupid. I freaked Audrey out when I guessed what her breakfast choice was (mickey mouse pancakes). Also, I learned that Kristin's mom told the cops where she was so kris wouldn't give her the address of where they were so they had to give the presents that would have gone to kris's two small children to someone else. That's the real tragedy.
So, after we dropped them off, we went back home and I got to open a package from Beverly. Then we had Christmas Eve at the Cihak's, and I'm not sure what was wrong with Maddy but she was acting weird the whole night and when she caught Mark and me in her room she freaked and that kind of put a damper on the rest of the night. She wasn't joking, it was obvious she flipped out about it. And it upset me because for one I got yelled at for something similar by Kristin and for two, I would never do anything remotely sexual in Maddy's room and it's kind of insulting that she would think so.
Aside from that things were great. I got a Coach wallet from someone. Coach!! Holy shit. And pajamas. We all left around 10. Mark and I exchanged presents on Christmas day. I got him a book (how to be an explorer of the world) and a sketchbook. We are going to document our whole year together. I am calling it "365 random acts of cuteness". It'll be a nice way to document the year. I think every year I'm going to do something different to document my year. And then.... the rest of the week has just gone by. I had my writing group on Saturday and today i had a Venus workshop. Tomorrow it is supposed to be freaking cold and luckily no one has to go anywhere. I'm trying to think of a schedule where I can feel like nothing is being neglected and yet is realistic. I have this journal, my Angel Wings story (I want to get done before road trip), volume 5 (ditto) and volume 12 (finishing). Essentially I can wait to finish that and work on the immediate. Oh and my tarot poetry. That is actually coming along quite nicely. We will see what gets done, I try and do that poetry every day. The rest of it, we'll see how it goes and how much I have time for. I think I want to focus mainly on Volume 5 and the story right now.
Anyway, I want to play video games with my man right now until sleepytime. I love you and I promise you that I will dedicate more time to writing you.
Love,
Rita bo bita
12:24am
December 30th, 2013
just your average work day...
December 17th, 2013
2:06am
Hey Chels,
Man... I can't believe it's after 2am already. That to me is just plain crazy. I have to talk to you about something... I don't know what it is, but I feel like I've been neglecting you lately. Neglecting you, the nb... I dunno. I don't mean to. I've just been so worn out with dad stuff, you know? Today he went insane and had to be removed from the rehab floor back down to the medical floor. The hospital called my house and I was trying to explain to the nurse that I was the daughter, but the woman misunderstood and told my dad that his wife was on the phone. So I told him I was sorry I couldn't see him today because of the snow, and he said it was okay. And then something weird happened. He was asking for my mom's number and I asked him if he had a pen and paper and he said no and I asked if he could give me to someone who did and then he said, "I think I'm dying," and then the nurse picked the phone back up and I was just about to give someone my mom's cell number and I heard all this commotion and the line went dead. And it turned out they had my mom's cell number on hand because they called her and told her they had to wrestle my dad to the ground or something. Yesterday was so good and then today was nuts. And they keep asking if either me or my mom will stay with him. Ummmm..... no. My mom has to work and I need to stay functional.... being awake for hours on end is not condusive to that. Plus, there's no real place for me to stay, i'd have to sit in a chair all night. And then I guess drive home with no sleep and somehow get home and crash for a minute until I have to get up and do whatever errands I have to do that day because I am an adult and I do have responsibilities just like anyone else. Yes, my dad is my job, but he's in the hospital's care right now. There should already be someone available to watch him at night. Our jobs should be taking care of ourselves so we don't get sick and seeing him when we can. That should be it. I really hope my dad gets to come home soon because this is nonsense. I get that they want him to be better before coming home and I really believe that he's in a better place, it's just fucked up the way things are happening. He comes in for an obstructed bowel and it doesn't correct itself for 10 days. The steroids work but make him aggressive. So, they put him on anti-psych meds that make him paranoid. He goes off those and has two really good days, followed by a morning of being "suicidal" and then something really fucked up happening that I still don't know what. So now he's back in the medical part. What the hell is going on right now? I have no freaking clue how I'm getting through all this besides Mark.
I think that's another reason why I've been distant. In the past as you've noticed I was always way open (maybe a little bit too much), about my love life. But now... I dunno. I finally feel like I have found happiness and I feel like I can't really share it with you. At this point it seems silly but i guess I just got into the habit of not saying anything after that whole big thing earlier this year about how you were pissed that we were together. You know, from your point of view, I know it seemed a bit sudden, especially after making that video about addiction. And I still feel that way. But after I had time to think about it, I changed my mind because I'm in love with him and I didn't want to wait a year. And he's been sober now for 5 months. Which isn't a long time but for someone who drank as lot... 5 months is a while. How do I know that it's for real? There's alcohol in the house. If he really wanted to get his hands on some he wouldn't have to go very far. But he hasn't shown an interest in drinking since he's been here. He chose sobreity, his kid and me over alcohol. If he was still drinking, I know he wouldn't have any money to spend on saving up to get his own place or getting his kid stuff for Christmas or anything. I know he takes pride in not being tied to that lifestyle anymore. And I know he cherishes what we have, which couldn't be what it is today if he hadn't quit drinking. Because as much as I feel for him, if he did go back to it after he got out of jail, I wouldn't have been able to be with him at all. I know myself, I wouldn't have been okay with it.
The best news in this whole scenario is that it seems as if stupid face is gone forever. Which is stupid, but then again pitching a fit at me because she was jealous wasn't so bright, either. And then getting into trouble for the very thing she accused him of doing. Except she hit her own family. So dumb.
At any rate.... I want you to know that I am working very hard on my angel wings story so that it can be done before you get up here. I'm doing volumes 5, 6 and 9 as well so the other ones can be books. I have a list of which books/originals to make for you. And I want to do it all at once. So... from here on out I'm going to have a sort of hectic schedule. I know you love me no matter what and I can always adjust and take my time to finish, but that's just not me. Unless I send volumes 2+3 with the cookies and I can write your letter as well... hmm. I might have a box that will fit all of that. If not... oh well lol. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to print out the rest of volume 12, just to get it out of the way. But I will see how much time i have for that, it really isn't going anywhere. I am fairly certain already that I have enough material to fill at least 3 notebooks. I already have volume 14 all filled out and waiting, 16 will be our activity book. What I want to do is this: make room for pictures and in the picture space write something like: show me a picture of what love means to you. Or what you were really excited about that day. And when we have visits we can document those. And then something like... write the lyrics to your favorite song. Now, write your own poem with the title. La de dah. It'll be our life at that moment. What I think I'm going to do is finish the next two notebooks I have the way I already arranged. Then, when I'm finished with 14, whatever I have written down is going to be Volume 16 and that will just be a book for us. And then after I'm all caught up, start the activity book. But, I can start brainstorming more ideas now so by the time it happens, we can get to the fun part because the work part will already be finished. But.... I'm giving myself until the end of this year to write a chapter a day of Angel wings, so far I'm 4 chapters behind. So, tomorrow is a huge writing day plus take Mark to work, then visit my dad in the hospital, then pick mark up, then home. Then Wednesday is Mark works 11-5, visit dad somewhere in between, pick Mark up, cookies, Tarot group. Actually, Wednesday and Thursday my mom has off so we are going gung ho on the cookie making. So if I want any writing done it has to be in the morning.
So... it's 3:07am and I have to rearrange my man so I can sleep without him snoring through my ear plugs. I love you!!!
Rita
3:08am
2:06am
Hey Chels,
Man... I can't believe it's after 2am already. That to me is just plain crazy. I have to talk to you about something... I don't know what it is, but I feel like I've been neglecting you lately. Neglecting you, the nb... I dunno. I don't mean to. I've just been so worn out with dad stuff, you know? Today he went insane and had to be removed from the rehab floor back down to the medical floor. The hospital called my house and I was trying to explain to the nurse that I was the daughter, but the woman misunderstood and told my dad that his wife was on the phone. So I told him I was sorry I couldn't see him today because of the snow, and he said it was okay. And then something weird happened. He was asking for my mom's number and I asked him if he had a pen and paper and he said no and I asked if he could give me to someone who did and then he said, "I think I'm dying," and then the nurse picked the phone back up and I was just about to give someone my mom's cell number and I heard all this commotion and the line went dead. And it turned out they had my mom's cell number on hand because they called her and told her they had to wrestle my dad to the ground or something. Yesterday was so good and then today was nuts. And they keep asking if either me or my mom will stay with him. Ummmm..... no. My mom has to work and I need to stay functional.... being awake for hours on end is not condusive to that. Plus, there's no real place for me to stay, i'd have to sit in a chair all night. And then I guess drive home with no sleep and somehow get home and crash for a minute until I have to get up and do whatever errands I have to do that day because I am an adult and I do have responsibilities just like anyone else. Yes, my dad is my job, but he's in the hospital's care right now. There should already be someone available to watch him at night. Our jobs should be taking care of ourselves so we don't get sick and seeing him when we can. That should be it. I really hope my dad gets to come home soon because this is nonsense. I get that they want him to be better before coming home and I really believe that he's in a better place, it's just fucked up the way things are happening. He comes in for an obstructed bowel and it doesn't correct itself for 10 days. The steroids work but make him aggressive. So, they put him on anti-psych meds that make him paranoid. He goes off those and has two really good days, followed by a morning of being "suicidal" and then something really fucked up happening that I still don't know what. So now he's back in the medical part. What the hell is going on right now? I have no freaking clue how I'm getting through all this besides Mark.
I think that's another reason why I've been distant. In the past as you've noticed I was always way open (maybe a little bit too much), about my love life. But now... I dunno. I finally feel like I have found happiness and I feel like I can't really share it with you. At this point it seems silly but i guess I just got into the habit of not saying anything after that whole big thing earlier this year about how you were pissed that we were together. You know, from your point of view, I know it seemed a bit sudden, especially after making that video about addiction. And I still feel that way. But after I had time to think about it, I changed my mind because I'm in love with him and I didn't want to wait a year. And he's been sober now for 5 months. Which isn't a long time but for someone who drank as lot... 5 months is a while. How do I know that it's for real? There's alcohol in the house. If he really wanted to get his hands on some he wouldn't have to go very far. But he hasn't shown an interest in drinking since he's been here. He chose sobreity, his kid and me over alcohol. If he was still drinking, I know he wouldn't have any money to spend on saving up to get his own place or getting his kid stuff for Christmas or anything. I know he takes pride in not being tied to that lifestyle anymore. And I know he cherishes what we have, which couldn't be what it is today if he hadn't quit drinking. Because as much as I feel for him, if he did go back to it after he got out of jail, I wouldn't have been able to be with him at all. I know myself, I wouldn't have been okay with it.
The best news in this whole scenario is that it seems as if stupid face is gone forever. Which is stupid, but then again pitching a fit at me because she was jealous wasn't so bright, either. And then getting into trouble for the very thing she accused him of doing. Except she hit her own family. So dumb.
At any rate.... I want you to know that I am working very hard on my angel wings story so that it can be done before you get up here. I'm doing volumes 5, 6 and 9 as well so the other ones can be books. I have a list of which books/originals to make for you. And I want to do it all at once. So... from here on out I'm going to have a sort of hectic schedule. I know you love me no matter what and I can always adjust and take my time to finish, but that's just not me. Unless I send volumes 2+3 with the cookies and I can write your letter as well... hmm. I might have a box that will fit all of that. If not... oh well lol. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to print out the rest of volume 12, just to get it out of the way. But I will see how much time i have for that, it really isn't going anywhere. I am fairly certain already that I have enough material to fill at least 3 notebooks. I already have volume 14 all filled out and waiting, 16 will be our activity book. What I want to do is this: make room for pictures and in the picture space write something like: show me a picture of what love means to you. Or what you were really excited about that day. And when we have visits we can document those. And then something like... write the lyrics to your favorite song. Now, write your own poem with the title. La de dah. It'll be our life at that moment. What I think I'm going to do is finish the next two notebooks I have the way I already arranged. Then, when I'm finished with 14, whatever I have written down is going to be Volume 16 and that will just be a book for us. And then after I'm all caught up, start the activity book. But, I can start brainstorming more ideas now so by the time it happens, we can get to the fun part because the work part will already be finished. But.... I'm giving myself until the end of this year to write a chapter a day of Angel wings, so far I'm 4 chapters behind. So, tomorrow is a huge writing day plus take Mark to work, then visit my dad in the hospital, then pick mark up, then home. Then Wednesday is Mark works 11-5, visit dad somewhere in between, pick Mark up, cookies, Tarot group. Actually, Wednesday and Thursday my mom has off so we are going gung ho on the cookie making. So if I want any writing done it has to be in the morning.
So... it's 3:07am and I have to rearrange my man so I can sleep without him snoring through my ear plugs. I love you!!!
Rita
3:08am
Asshats and Santa's reindeer
December 15th 2013
11:03am
Dear Chelsea,
So, welcome to your new notebook once again. I thought about you being able to read my letters in the spring pad one and I decided I want to keep future stuff private plus it's way easier to copy everything all in one place than having to go back and forth between the two. So, enjoy lol. So let's see... It's Sunday and my mom just took my man to work so I have the house to myself for a while. This week has been one of the roughest weeks of my life. On Tuesday I had just found out my dad was getting combative with the nurses when I got this email from my mom. She said that Lori was driving her crazy. I read the email that Lori sent and it seemed pretty dumb. I mean, she always goes on about how hard things must be around here and then starts in about Christmas stuff. I think that if she was really that concerned, she could take more time to visit than just for two hours one day. She just can't deal with anything hard. But I don't care because I will remember who was always there and who wasn't. I know that if you were here you would have visited a lot more than just one day and he's not even your dad.
I am pretty sure my mom is starting on the cookies so I better get over there. My body is so sore today. I fell yesterday on the ice and fell right on my butt. So that mixed with still being on my period is not fun. But I shall be back. I love you!!!!
Love,
Rita
11:19am
11:03am
Dear Chelsea,
So, welcome to your new notebook once again. I thought about you being able to read my letters in the spring pad one and I decided I want to keep future stuff private plus it's way easier to copy everything all in one place than having to go back and forth between the two. So, enjoy lol. So let's see... It's Sunday and my mom just took my man to work so I have the house to myself for a while. This week has been one of the roughest weeks of my life. On Tuesday I had just found out my dad was getting combative with the nurses when I got this email from my mom. She said that Lori was driving her crazy. I read the email that Lori sent and it seemed pretty dumb. I mean, she always goes on about how hard things must be around here and then starts in about Christmas stuff. I think that if she was really that concerned, she could take more time to visit than just for two hours one day. She just can't deal with anything hard. But I don't care because I will remember who was always there and who wasn't. I know that if you were here you would have visited a lot more than just one day and he's not even your dad.
I am pretty sure my mom is starting on the cookies so I better get over there. My body is so sore today. I fell yesterday on the ice and fell right on my butt. So that mixed with still being on my period is not fun. But I shall be back. I love you!!!!
Love,
Rita
11:19am
is "cold hearted bitch" hyphenated?
December 9th, 2013
12:29am
Hey honey,
Woo I'm writing more than once in a week!! You should be proud, lol. Today was a very long but ultimately good day. I didn't get to work much on anything I wanted to because my friend Alex came to visit my dad in the hospital so I stayed there until I had to pick Mark up from work. We got home and I was so tired from driving in the snow that I didn't want to work on anything. But tomorrow I am going to be emersed in volume 5 and I can't wait. And 12. I can't wait to see how many books I'll be done with by the time you get here. I only have a couple months but I think I can get all the notebooks done and ready to go. I know you like my handwriting but I have so much typed that it's so much easier to type it out. But I will throw some surprises in there. I just don't want what I have so far to take forever, you know? I know it's kind of cheating but I promise to make some sort of compromise so you get your hand written entries and I get my typed entries. I don't mind writing, I really don't. It's just that it takes such a long time. But I promise that no matter what, you will get the originals of almost all the books and then some.
I am having so much fun going through all of these books, let me tell you. It has been such a journey for the both of us. I am really happy that things turned out the way they did because you are a sister to me. I dunno if you had a chance to talk to Angel yet but from what you both have told me, it sounds like you are going through a lot of things that she has gone through regarding her empathy. Now... the one thing you have to know is that being empathetic isn't a bad thing. You have a big heart and you can't help caring for people. But it can be chaotic and exhausting if not dealt with properly. And what I mean by that is, like with anything, it needs to learn to be managed. When you feel a certain way and you have no idea why, ask yourself where that emotion is coming from. If it's coming from you, honor it and deal with it. But if it's not yours, just cut it off so it can't effect you. I know how I do that, but it may not be the same for every person. I just shield myself from emotions that aren't mine. Sometimes I appear to be a cold hearted bitch, but that's just me shutting down someone's hurtful projections that have nothing to do with me. I'm sure that Angel can better guide you to how you can protect yourself and I think it helps to bring an unbiased party in.
I just hope that when you do get to talk to her, you can finally get some of these burdens off of you.
Anyway... I dunno who that Dominique person is but in today's world of facebook and smartphones, I highly doubt it would be so easy to forget that you were having a party. I mean, you'd have to not check facebook at all for like 5 years for something like that to happen. But instead of saying something snotty like I wanted I just said something different. That my phone always tells me when there's an event. So even if you forget to check fb, it's still there staring you in the face, virtually making it impossible to forget..... lol.
At any rate, I'm going to get going for now. I love you and I hope you don't think any less of me if I end up having to print out all the rest of my back entries, lol.
I love you!!
R bo b
12:55am
12:29am
Hey honey,
Woo I'm writing more than once in a week!! You should be proud, lol. Today was a very long but ultimately good day. I didn't get to work much on anything I wanted to because my friend Alex came to visit my dad in the hospital so I stayed there until I had to pick Mark up from work. We got home and I was so tired from driving in the snow that I didn't want to work on anything. But tomorrow I am going to be emersed in volume 5 and I can't wait. And 12. I can't wait to see how many books I'll be done with by the time you get here. I only have a couple months but I think I can get all the notebooks done and ready to go. I know you like my handwriting but I have so much typed that it's so much easier to type it out. But I will throw some surprises in there. I just don't want what I have so far to take forever, you know? I know it's kind of cheating but I promise to make some sort of compromise so you get your hand written entries and I get my typed entries. I don't mind writing, I really don't. It's just that it takes such a long time. But I promise that no matter what, you will get the originals of almost all the books and then some.
I am having so much fun going through all of these books, let me tell you. It has been such a journey for the both of us. I am really happy that things turned out the way they did because you are a sister to me. I dunno if you had a chance to talk to Angel yet but from what you both have told me, it sounds like you are going through a lot of things that she has gone through regarding her empathy. Now... the one thing you have to know is that being empathetic isn't a bad thing. You have a big heart and you can't help caring for people. But it can be chaotic and exhausting if not dealt with properly. And what I mean by that is, like with anything, it needs to learn to be managed. When you feel a certain way and you have no idea why, ask yourself where that emotion is coming from. If it's coming from you, honor it and deal with it. But if it's not yours, just cut it off so it can't effect you. I know how I do that, but it may not be the same for every person. I just shield myself from emotions that aren't mine. Sometimes I appear to be a cold hearted bitch, but that's just me shutting down someone's hurtful projections that have nothing to do with me. I'm sure that Angel can better guide you to how you can protect yourself and I think it helps to bring an unbiased party in.
I just hope that when you do get to talk to her, you can finally get some of these burdens off of you.
Anyway... I dunno who that Dominique person is but in today's world of facebook and smartphones, I highly doubt it would be so easy to forget that you were having a party. I mean, you'd have to not check facebook at all for like 5 years for something like that to happen. But instead of saying something snotty like I wanted I just said something different. That my phone always tells me when there's an event. So even if you forget to check fb, it's still there staring you in the face, virtually making it impossible to forget..... lol.
At any rate, I'm going to get going for now. I love you and I hope you don't think any less of me if I end up having to print out all the rest of my back entries, lol.
I love you!!
R bo b
12:55am
meet my dad, the drama queen
December 4th, 2013
4:00pm
Hey sweets! How are you doing today? I'm okay, at the hospital visiting my dad right now. I want you to know that I am on the last chapter of Volume 4!! Hopefully soon I can be done with it so I can put all my blogs up finally and get on with the next one (Volume 5). I am so excited to get this project done. And after that I am going to find everything else I've written starting at the beginning and make blogs out of those. I honestly cannot wait until everything is finished. I have a plan for the notebooks that I finish, I am going to keep them in some type of box... I have this tub I keep all my notebook stuff in underneath my bed. I think that it would be cool to keep the originals in a container like that at my parents' house. So I don't have to lug everything with me. I would give my original journals to you but.... I wrote a lot of stuff about you that I will admit at times have been really mean. So... if I make books out of those I will publish what I can so if you want you can have a copy of those as well. But you're not obligated. You are really the only other person I know besides me that I trust them with.
So, my dad is snoring right now. He's still in the hospital but doing a little better. He's just upset from being hungry. They found some air in his intestine so he can't have real food so he thinks he's dying. Ugh drama queen. I'm doing okay, kind of just like "whatever" at this point. I care about my dad, but he needs to do what he can to help himself out. Going down this road of no exercise and not the best diet is not a road I want to go down anymore. I am really thinking about moving out and finding another job. I mean, in addition to being my dad's caregiver where I get to leave and go back to my own house and then go to my other job. I am hoping that I can find some sort of review class to help me with my massage boards or I can find another client like my dad because I don't mind being a companion for someone. So, who knows?
Meh, just ready to go home already. I can't wait until my group, it will be so nice to see everyone again.
I love you!!!
Love,
Stardust
4:00pm
Hey sweets! How are you doing today? I'm okay, at the hospital visiting my dad right now. I want you to know that I am on the last chapter of Volume 4!! Hopefully soon I can be done with it so I can put all my blogs up finally and get on with the next one (Volume 5). I am so excited to get this project done. And after that I am going to find everything else I've written starting at the beginning and make blogs out of those. I honestly cannot wait until everything is finished. I have a plan for the notebooks that I finish, I am going to keep them in some type of box... I have this tub I keep all my notebook stuff in underneath my bed. I think that it would be cool to keep the originals in a container like that at my parents' house. So I don't have to lug everything with me. I would give my original journals to you but.... I wrote a lot of stuff about you that I will admit at times have been really mean. So... if I make books out of those I will publish what I can so if you want you can have a copy of those as well. But you're not obligated. You are really the only other person I know besides me that I trust them with.
So, my dad is snoring right now. He's still in the hospital but doing a little better. He's just upset from being hungry. They found some air in his intestine so he can't have real food so he thinks he's dying. Ugh drama queen. I'm doing okay, kind of just like "whatever" at this point. I care about my dad, but he needs to do what he can to help himself out. Going down this road of no exercise and not the best diet is not a road I want to go down anymore. I am really thinking about moving out and finding another job. I mean, in addition to being my dad's caregiver where I get to leave and go back to my own house and then go to my other job. I am hoping that I can find some sort of review class to help me with my massage boards or I can find another client like my dad because I don't mind being a companion for someone. So, who knows?
Meh, just ready to go home already. I can't wait until my group, it will be so nice to see everyone again.
I love you!!!
Love,
Stardust
just add water...
November 27th, 2013
3:13pm
Hey Chels,
So, I just now realize how incredibly horrible I've been at keeping up with this notebook. There's just been so much going on that I haven't had the energy to write. But I figure I have about 15 minutes, I will try and catch you up on as much as I can. So, on November 14th, my dad had an appointment at Rush university for a follow up visit with the doctor who did that spinal tap thing. I had some lunch and got lost on the way back. By the time I got to where I was supposed to go my parents were still in the meeting. So, I'm reading my book and then all of a sudden this nurse comes out of the room shouting behind her that she needs a crash cart. Then about 5 other people run after her. I text my mom to ask how my dad is and she said he had a seizure. So then he got carted away and taken to the ER. He spent the night at the hospital and was discharged the next day. I had started my period earlier that day and felt something weird but just ignored it.
I picked Mark up at 5pm and we went straight to Rush. The whole trip was 4 hours round trip. Then every time I peed it would hurt. By Monday it got so bad I felt like I got punched in the vag. Tuesday my back started hurting and I got really scared. I had to wait till my period was fully over to see someone to get tested. That's why it's taking so long for me to feel all the way better. But it's your birthday now!!
Yesterday as I was writing that his head started hurting bad and then I had to go get my massage. I went to take Snickers out and then got something to eat. After that, I stopped at McDonald's to eat. When I was done, when I got to the hospital I saw my mom and she told me that he had a 25 minute seizure so they moved him to a room in ICU. He's still here but we think he might get transferred to a regular room today. So... that's what my day is looking like.
I think it's so cute you got a ferret!! I hope this birthday is a good one, after all the shitty birthdays you've had, you deserve at least one good one. I can't wait to work on my blogs again. I'm in the process of getting all my photos off of MySpace (again) so when I'm done with that I'm going to get all my new ones off facebook (using the time in between to write) so when I'm done with that project I'm going to put everything I've been typing up onto my blogger. So.... it will take a little bit but I got my youtube videos to keep me busy.
As much as I want to do massage, I really want to get all this blog stuff squared away and build on that. Plus, while my dad is sick, it's difficult for me to get any real studying done. That, plus the 4 times I've failed the test before, makes me just want to focus on this blogger/AdSense thing. I am going to check out my local community college's massage review program early next year though and try again next year but for now I'm just giving myself a break.
I have enough content now for everyone who wants to put ads on my page to have a field day. So... I really hope to make some money off this. Mark hasn't updated his blog and only has 27 entries and still gets money from it, so it can work. Plus, I have always wanted to get my stuff out there. Maybe not famous like A list but I've always worried about what would happen if something happened to my journals, I needed a space to have them. So this allows that. And if I make some money off of it, all the more better.
I'm gonna go for now, I want to read for a little while and then write another chapter of my book. I think from now on until I finish I'm going to write a chapter a day :). Maybe more. I can't wait until I'm done and you can have a copy of the book.
Love you!!
Rita bo bita
3:10pm
Your birthday!!!
2013
3:13pm
Hey Chels,
So, I just now realize how incredibly horrible I've been at keeping up with this notebook. There's just been so much going on that I haven't had the energy to write. But I figure I have about 15 minutes, I will try and catch you up on as much as I can. So, on November 14th, my dad had an appointment at Rush university for a follow up visit with the doctor who did that spinal tap thing. I had some lunch and got lost on the way back. By the time I got to where I was supposed to go my parents were still in the meeting. So, I'm reading my book and then all of a sudden this nurse comes out of the room shouting behind her that she needs a crash cart. Then about 5 other people run after her. I text my mom to ask how my dad is and she said he had a seizure. So then he got carted away and taken to the ER. He spent the night at the hospital and was discharged the next day. I had started my period earlier that day and felt something weird but just ignored it.
I picked Mark up at 5pm and we went straight to Rush. The whole trip was 4 hours round trip. Then every time I peed it would hurt. By Monday it got so bad I felt like I got punched in the vag. Tuesday my back started hurting and I got really scared. I had to wait till my period was fully over to see someone to get tested. That's why it's taking so long for me to feel all the way better. But it's your birthday now!!
Yesterday as I was writing that his head started hurting bad and then I had to go get my massage. I went to take Snickers out and then got something to eat. After that, I stopped at McDonald's to eat. When I was done, when I got to the hospital I saw my mom and she told me that he had a 25 minute seizure so they moved him to a room in ICU. He's still here but we think he might get transferred to a regular room today. So... that's what my day is looking like.
I think it's so cute you got a ferret!! I hope this birthday is a good one, after all the shitty birthdays you've had, you deserve at least one good one. I can't wait to work on my blogs again. I'm in the process of getting all my photos off of MySpace (again) so when I'm done with that I'm going to get all my new ones off facebook (using the time in between to write) so when I'm done with that project I'm going to put everything I've been typing up onto my blogger. So.... it will take a little bit but I got my youtube videos to keep me busy.
As much as I want to do massage, I really want to get all this blog stuff squared away and build on that. Plus, while my dad is sick, it's difficult for me to get any real studying done. That, plus the 4 times I've failed the test before, makes me just want to focus on this blogger/AdSense thing. I am going to check out my local community college's massage review program early next year though and try again next year but for now I'm just giving myself a break.
I have enough content now for everyone who wants to put ads on my page to have a field day. So... I really hope to make some money off this. Mark hasn't updated his blog and only has 27 entries and still gets money from it, so it can work. Plus, I have always wanted to get my stuff out there. Maybe not famous like A list but I've always worried about what would happen if something happened to my journals, I needed a space to have them. So this allows that. And if I make some money off of it, all the more better.
I'm gonna go for now, I want to read for a little while and then write another chapter of my book. I think from now on until I finish I'm going to write a chapter a day :). Maybe more. I can't wait until I'm done and you can have a copy of the book.
Love you!!
Rita bo bita
3:10pm
Your birthday!!!
2013
Why one should never use scented bath salts...
November 20th, 2013
10:00am
Hey Chels,
So, today is already a very long day. My dad needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist at Rush University so I had to wake up at 7:30am to leave by 8 and I'm glad we did leave then because it took an hour and 40 minutes to get here. And I haven't eaten or drank anything because I didn't want to be stuck in traffic having to pee. So, now we are waiting to be seen. Well, my parents are, I am in the waiting room. That's why I brought my nook with me, so I could write.
Ugh my dad was being such a jerk today. He doesn't understand why he has to see a shrink and we keep explaining why and he still doesn't get it and then he's a jerk about everything. He needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist so they can determine if he is fit for this nerve stimulator thing. They have to make sure everything is real and not in his head. Which I don't think it is, I think his pain (although he can be a huge drama queen about it) is definitely real and I am praying that this nerve stimulator is the thing that will work because I can't take much more of this incessant pain. After that I get to drive home and then get Mark at 5, and we will have about an hour until we need to head out for Ze's birthday dinner, which is at a pizza place. And that wraps up my very long day. I took an Azo yesterday because I couldn't take the pain anymore and I'm debating on whether or not I should take one today because I have a doctor appointment tomorrow.
Speaking of which, I figured out what probably happened to me. You know how my dad had a flare up last week? Ooh actually you don't because I never wrote about that, oops. At any rate... my dad had a flare up of pain last Thursday so he had to stay in the hospital overnight. Well, when I got my period I guess the same thing happened to me. It started with a burning sensation when I peed, which I thought was strange because my period never does that to me. But for the first couple of days I was fine. I was even eating normal stuff and felt okay but then Monday it really started hurting. Depending on if there was blood or not, the pain would get worse or feel better. So, today my period is supposed to be over and there was a tiny little speck of blood on the tp when I checked but it looked like period blood. And since I haven't drank any water yet the dye is still in my system. So when I get home I'm going to take some acidophilis, vitamin e, drink some water and then some cranberry juice, find some food and it'll still be early enough to take some Azo and get it all or mostly flushed out by my appointment tomorrow. Mark is going to try and come with me but I told him it's okay if he can't. I was just really scared yesterday and started crying in the car... it was bad. Well, my back started hurting. Now everything is almost back to normal but I'm going to see what the doc says. It's been a few years since I've had this problem so what I need to do is really pay attention to what I put in my body. I need to be good and consciously make healthier choices, especially around my period and a week leading up to it (when my cravings are the worst). I do want a urine test to rule out any infection before I self medicate and just ignore it. And if there's something he can give me to make me feel a little better that is great. Cuz I put the Biofreeze on there but I can't put it on my vagina. I put it on my abdomen to lessen the urge to pee which helps a lot, but it doesn't really do anything for the place it really hurts. It feels like I got kicked in the vagina, basically. I'm wondering if there's anything besides Ibuprofen that I can take that's less than a narcotic but more than just a regular pain pill. Like something stronger than Ibuprofen that isn't just drugging me up. Plus I've been taking baths every night and making sure the bathtub is clean and the water isn't too hot.
So hopefully I will feel better on my own. Things feel better today besides me feeling like I'm starving and I really need to eat before I fall down.
I was just thinking that I have been having incredibly strange periods this year. Not sure why but it's kind of startling.
Okay my darling, I need to get going. I love you!!
Rita
10:36am
10:00am
Hey Chels,
So, today is already a very long day. My dad needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist at Rush University so I had to wake up at 7:30am to leave by 8 and I'm glad we did leave then because it took an hour and 40 minutes to get here. And I haven't eaten or drank anything because I didn't want to be stuck in traffic having to pee. So, now we are waiting to be seen. Well, my parents are, I am in the waiting room. That's why I brought my nook with me, so I could write.
Ugh my dad was being such a jerk today. He doesn't understand why he has to see a shrink and we keep explaining why and he still doesn't get it and then he's a jerk about everything. He needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist so they can determine if he is fit for this nerve stimulator thing. They have to make sure everything is real and not in his head. Which I don't think it is, I think his pain (although he can be a huge drama queen about it) is definitely real and I am praying that this nerve stimulator is the thing that will work because I can't take much more of this incessant pain. After that I get to drive home and then get Mark at 5, and we will have about an hour until we need to head out for Ze's birthday dinner, which is at a pizza place. And that wraps up my very long day. I took an Azo yesterday because I couldn't take the pain anymore and I'm debating on whether or not I should take one today because I have a doctor appointment tomorrow.
Speaking of which, I figured out what probably happened to me. You know how my dad had a flare up last week? Ooh actually you don't because I never wrote about that, oops. At any rate... my dad had a flare up of pain last Thursday so he had to stay in the hospital overnight. Well, when I got my period I guess the same thing happened to me. It started with a burning sensation when I peed, which I thought was strange because my period never does that to me. But for the first couple of days I was fine. I was even eating normal stuff and felt okay but then Monday it really started hurting. Depending on if there was blood or not, the pain would get worse or feel better. So, today my period is supposed to be over and there was a tiny little speck of blood on the tp when I checked but it looked like period blood. And since I haven't drank any water yet the dye is still in my system. So when I get home I'm going to take some acidophilis, vitamin e, drink some water and then some cranberry juice, find some food and it'll still be early enough to take some Azo and get it all or mostly flushed out by my appointment tomorrow. Mark is going to try and come with me but I told him it's okay if he can't. I was just really scared yesterday and started crying in the car... it was bad. Well, my back started hurting. Now everything is almost back to normal but I'm going to see what the doc says. It's been a few years since I've had this problem so what I need to do is really pay attention to what I put in my body. I need to be good and consciously make healthier choices, especially around my period and a week leading up to it (when my cravings are the worst). I do want a urine test to rule out any infection before I self medicate and just ignore it. And if there's something he can give me to make me feel a little better that is great. Cuz I put the Biofreeze on there but I can't put it on my vagina. I put it on my abdomen to lessen the urge to pee which helps a lot, but it doesn't really do anything for the place it really hurts. It feels like I got kicked in the vagina, basically. I'm wondering if there's anything besides Ibuprofen that I can take that's less than a narcotic but more than just a regular pain pill. Like something stronger than Ibuprofen that isn't just drugging me up. Plus I've been taking baths every night and making sure the bathtub is clean and the water isn't too hot.
So hopefully I will feel better on my own. Things feel better today besides me feeling like I'm starving and I really need to eat before I fall down.
I was just thinking that I have been having incredibly strange periods this year. Not sure why but it's kind of startling.
Okay my darling, I need to get going. I love you!!
Rita
10:36am
what happened on Thursday?
November 17th, 2013
12:05am
Hey Chels!!!
It's been a while since I've written in here and I'm sorry. But the good news is that I've been writing my novel. I didn't want to tell you this, but I have written over 50,000 words already. I haven't finished the last chapter I started writing, but I did the math for the last 2 chapters I wrote and I only needed 72 words after that. And I'm pretty sure I got there. So, I did it!! But I'm nowhere near done with my novel and I'm going to wait until next Saturday to turn in any more words. I want to be done at least with part 2 by the end of this whole thing. After that I can go back to my regular notebook stuff and finish out the year.
I am so freaking excited about you coming up here!!! I know it's rough with all the drama but that's wherever you go, unfortunately. But I'm 6 hours away and you got my goddess group as well :). And Brian seems to have a good head on his shoulders. At least most of the time.
So, I need to tell you about what happened on Thursday but I am just so freaking exhausted. I will write and tell you the next time the whole story, soup to nuts.
Love you!
Rita bo B
12:05am
Hey Chels!!!
It's been a while since I've written in here and I'm sorry. But the good news is that I've been writing my novel. I didn't want to tell you this, but I have written over 50,000 words already. I haven't finished the last chapter I started writing, but I did the math for the last 2 chapters I wrote and I only needed 72 words after that. And I'm pretty sure I got there. So, I did it!! But I'm nowhere near done with my novel and I'm going to wait until next Saturday to turn in any more words. I want to be done at least with part 2 by the end of this whole thing. After that I can go back to my regular notebook stuff and finish out the year.
I am so freaking excited about you coming up here!!! I know it's rough with all the drama but that's wherever you go, unfortunately. But I'm 6 hours away and you got my goddess group as well :). And Brian seems to have a good head on his shoulders. At least most of the time.
So, I need to tell you about what happened on Thursday but I am just so freaking exhausted. I will write and tell you the next time the whole story, soup to nuts.
Love you!
Rita bo B
This is what happens when you break my heart.
November 11th, 2013
12:59pm
Hey sweets!! Happy Monday. I hope you had a good weekend. Or at least survived the weekend, lol. The goddess workshop on Saturday was amazing. Although, it hurt my heart to hear that Angel's great dane, Mystic, had to get put down. She was 8 years old and had bone cancer and it was going to spread so they made the decision that it was time. It's just so heartbreaking, she's already been through so much crap this year. But aside from that, I learned a lot. Like how you're not the only one who feels like you have no time to relax. But it's so important. And I know I need to take better care of myself, also. It's hard but I guess this right now could be considered making time for myself. Today is a slow day--the only thing I have to do is take the dog out and empty the dishwasher. I do have to make it to the store and find my dad something to eat but that's mainly it. It is cold and is supposed to snow either today or tomorrow. Oh goody.
So--Barry. You know how he was in jail this year for a DUI. I already thought he had weekly checkups but I guess not. This time he has court ordered weekly status updates for 30 months so he will need to stay clean until May 5th, 2016. Holy shit I just realized that is 2 years plus 6 months. So like a little less than 3 years. Lol I just had a Jessica Simpson moment. But yeah. I take it this is his ultimate last chance. And don't get me wrong, I am not rooting for him to go to jail. I honestly believe he doesn't belong there. But I know what the problem is. He's in denial about his addictions. He doesn't think he needs any of this and he hates that he has to be under all this scrutiny. But until he accepts real help, he will never get better.
I can see that the court is actively trying to help him by not locking him up in prison forever. But the fact that he didn't enter a plea and will be going through a jury trial shows me that he really doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Grow a pair, admit your mistake, accept the help and move on. This jury trial is going to take place on January 16th, 2014. I guess they're going to hear the evidence against him and decide how he's going to spend the next few years, although I don't get why a DUI would require a jury trial. Maybe he thinks he wasn't doing anything wrong by getting into a car while fucked up and driving? Or maybe he didn't think he'd get caught. I don't know. But I am wondering if they're going to bring up the heroin thing. He told his cousin, Stephanie, that he had been selling to this guy for at least two months. And he told me that it was only once, but you don't get in trouble for only one time. And then he was on probation until 2014 but then had a DUI this year. So... I dunno what he's still trying to hold onto when he already admitted the truth to someone. But I guess criminals are like that and I think he needs more than just probation to learn his lesson. He needs to admit defeat and serve his time. He made his own mess. He needs to clean it up.
So, in other news... it's snowing!! Ugh. I have to go to Jewel to get some stuff and I don't want to get out of my jammies. And this isn't even the sticky snow. This is just child's play, the opening act. Meh.
I gotta get going for now. I wanna write in between driving and doing stuff. Love you!
Rita bo bita
1:58pm
12:59pm
Hey sweets!! Happy Monday. I hope you had a good weekend. Or at least survived the weekend, lol. The goddess workshop on Saturday was amazing. Although, it hurt my heart to hear that Angel's great dane, Mystic, had to get put down. She was 8 years old and had bone cancer and it was going to spread so they made the decision that it was time. It's just so heartbreaking, she's already been through so much crap this year. But aside from that, I learned a lot. Like how you're not the only one who feels like you have no time to relax. But it's so important. And I know I need to take better care of myself, also. It's hard but I guess this right now could be considered making time for myself. Today is a slow day--the only thing I have to do is take the dog out and empty the dishwasher. I do have to make it to the store and find my dad something to eat but that's mainly it. It is cold and is supposed to snow either today or tomorrow. Oh goody.
So--Barry. You know how he was in jail this year for a DUI. I already thought he had weekly checkups but I guess not. This time he has court ordered weekly status updates for 30 months so he will need to stay clean until May 5th, 2016. Holy shit I just realized that is 2 years plus 6 months. So like a little less than 3 years. Lol I just had a Jessica Simpson moment. But yeah. I take it this is his ultimate last chance. And don't get me wrong, I am not rooting for him to go to jail. I honestly believe he doesn't belong there. But I know what the problem is. He's in denial about his addictions. He doesn't think he needs any of this and he hates that he has to be under all this scrutiny. But until he accepts real help, he will never get better.
I can see that the court is actively trying to help him by not locking him up in prison forever. But the fact that he didn't enter a plea and will be going through a jury trial shows me that he really doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Grow a pair, admit your mistake, accept the help and move on. This jury trial is going to take place on January 16th, 2014. I guess they're going to hear the evidence against him and decide how he's going to spend the next few years, although I don't get why a DUI would require a jury trial. Maybe he thinks he wasn't doing anything wrong by getting into a car while fucked up and driving? Or maybe he didn't think he'd get caught. I don't know. But I am wondering if they're going to bring up the heroin thing. He told his cousin, Stephanie, that he had been selling to this guy for at least two months. And he told me that it was only once, but you don't get in trouble for only one time. And then he was on probation until 2014 but then had a DUI this year. So... I dunno what he's still trying to hold onto when he already admitted the truth to someone. But I guess criminals are like that and I think he needs more than just probation to learn his lesson. He needs to admit defeat and serve his time. He made his own mess. He needs to clean it up.
So, in other news... it's snowing!! Ugh. I have to go to Jewel to get some stuff and I don't want to get out of my jammies. And this isn't even the sticky snow. This is just child's play, the opening act. Meh.
I gotta get going for now. I wanna write in between driving and doing stuff. Love you!
Rita bo bita
1:58pm
that's a novel idea...
november 8th, 2013
11:58am
Hey sweets,
How are you doing today? I have to be home because the cable guy is here (more shows gone because I haven't watched them), and then I have to take my dad to the chiropractor at 2:30pm. But... instead of being annoyed at this, I now have a reason to be happy. I can take this thing with me if I want and my writing doesn't have to be interrupted. You know... I think I'm going to start an idea notebook for the next volume. Volume 16. I already have enough material for 2 whole volumes so I figured I would just keep writing and then figure out what activities I want you to do. See... if you didn't mind typed out stuff it would take a lot less time but you deserve a real notebook. And come early next year you are going to have more notebooks than you will know what to do with. And I want to find a box for mine before typing out all of my books. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about the newsletter ones yet where I have other people's journal entries and stuff. But I am going to have to look through those and finish them finally. And then start on my own again. What I really need is more space, which is why I'm content writing in here for now. Actually, i think until I do have more space for physical books, this will have to be home. Which I don't mind because to me this is already starting to feel like home. No matter what form, you will continue getting notebooks from me. And excuse me, I just got the urge to write my story. Brb.
Well, forget that because the cable guy is here so the internet and wifi is down so I can't access my stuff yet like google drive. If you can get google drive on your computer I suggest you do that, it has spell check and word count. But anyways, about this story I'm writing...
The beginning of it was cool, there was all this stuff happening. But now it's a completely different book. I think I'm going to have to divide the book into parts. That way what happens in the beginning is happening in the present, then part two is all about the birth, then part three is back to the present. But I feel like some of the stuff I had in the beginning isn't part of the story anymore, and that's why I'm getting stuck. I need to get past that. Like... in the beginning, Molly has this friend named Ashley who she meets in preschool and the two become best friends but then Ashley's mother dies when she's 12 and her father starts abusing her. So in order for that to take place, I have to write about them moving away from Boystown and into this neighborhood, Molly's first day of school, and then I think that's when I will cut to part 3 where Ashley is in the hospital and her dad's in jail. But I have no idea how many chapters that will take. I could write forever and ever but I don't want to write a 500 page book that nobody will read. But also, I feel like each part is important to the story. I think I'm just going to write and if it takes a while, then it takes a while. I dunno... I feel like a first novel shouldn't be like a Stephen King book. But that's just how I write. And I do like my story. I can't wait for it to be done or at least close to being done by the end of this month.
Anyways, I am going to play a game now. I love you and I hope today is going well for you.
Love,
S
11:58am
Hey sweets,
How are you doing today? I have to be home because the cable guy is here (more shows gone because I haven't watched them), and then I have to take my dad to the chiropractor at 2:30pm. But... instead of being annoyed at this, I now have a reason to be happy. I can take this thing with me if I want and my writing doesn't have to be interrupted. You know... I think I'm going to start an idea notebook for the next volume. Volume 16. I already have enough material for 2 whole volumes so I figured I would just keep writing and then figure out what activities I want you to do. See... if you didn't mind typed out stuff it would take a lot less time but you deserve a real notebook. And come early next year you are going to have more notebooks than you will know what to do with. And I want to find a box for mine before typing out all of my books. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about the newsletter ones yet where I have other people's journal entries and stuff. But I am going to have to look through those and finish them finally. And then start on my own again. What I really need is more space, which is why I'm content writing in here for now. Actually, i think until I do have more space for physical books, this will have to be home. Which I don't mind because to me this is already starting to feel like home. No matter what form, you will continue getting notebooks from me. And excuse me, I just got the urge to write my story. Brb.
Well, forget that because the cable guy is here so the internet and wifi is down so I can't access my stuff yet like google drive. If you can get google drive on your computer I suggest you do that, it has spell check and word count. But anyways, about this story I'm writing...
The beginning of it was cool, there was all this stuff happening. But now it's a completely different book. I think I'm going to have to divide the book into parts. That way what happens in the beginning is happening in the present, then part two is all about the birth, then part three is back to the present. But I feel like some of the stuff I had in the beginning isn't part of the story anymore, and that's why I'm getting stuck. I need to get past that. Like... in the beginning, Molly has this friend named Ashley who she meets in preschool and the two become best friends but then Ashley's mother dies when she's 12 and her father starts abusing her. So in order for that to take place, I have to write about them moving away from Boystown and into this neighborhood, Molly's first day of school, and then I think that's when I will cut to part 3 where Ashley is in the hospital and her dad's in jail. But I have no idea how many chapters that will take. I could write forever and ever but I don't want to write a 500 page book that nobody will read. But also, I feel like each part is important to the story. I think I'm just going to write and if it takes a while, then it takes a while. I dunno... I feel like a first novel shouldn't be like a Stephen King book. But that's just how I write. And I do like my story. I can't wait for it to be done or at least close to being done by the end of this month.
Anyways, I am going to play a game now. I love you and I hope today is going well for you.
Love,
S
hot cocoa wrapped in tough love...
November 6th, 2013
11:33pm
Hey girl, what's up? I am writing this from my brand new nook! I got it yesterday (Tuesday). I haven't figured out how to incorporate this into your new notebook but considering how behind I am already, I figured I'll have time to figure everything else. I'm giving myself a month to finish this angel wings story and starting in December I'm going to start writing 5 pages a day maybe every other day so I don't kill my hand. But by the time the new year rolls around I should have a bunch of stuff for you. I'm going to send you the first 4 notebooks, volume 12, and Angel Wings all at once. Although it's taking me some time to get used to this thing so it might take longer. Who knows. All I know is, that's my goal.
So... I wanna talk to you about something. Keep in mind I'm not trying to yell at you. I'm just commenting. Look. I know you love Brian. Since March 2012 he has been your guy. I know you've been through a lot together, not all of it good, but he is generally a good guy and loves you. You know how you feel about him. I also know that things can seem better when somebody else comes into the picture. You don't always mean to but you find yourself wondering what things would be like with this other person. First of all... it's 100% natural to have these types of thoughts. Everyone at some point or another meets someone and wonders about them. But you know what you have is real and you guys have been established for a long time. I feel kind of like it is history repeating itself because you were thinking about Ryan when things were bad with David. I'm not saying the situations are the same because everyone is different. But it's completely natural to have feelings like this when the person you're with is being annoying at the moment and some other guy just happens to pop in at the right moment. But, if you were meant to be with this other guy, then you'd be with him. I know Mark and I sort of jumped into things but I have not had a serious relationship since Barry and he had been alone since his wife died. Both of which ended last year. So we both had time to work out our stuff by the time we saw each other again and then stuff just happened the way it did. So...you're with Brian for a reason. But in the name of caution, you're playing with fire. How would you like it if brian were flirting with some girl? That kind of communication needs to be halted. You need to talk to Brian. And when I say that I mean have the same conversation. Because it sounds like you're both talking but you aren't on the same page.
I gotta wrap this up for now. I love you and I can't wait to write in here more!! I smell coffee shop trips when Mark is at work. Love you!
Love,
Rita bo bita
Nov 7th, 2013
12:01am
11:33pm
Hey girl, what's up? I am writing this from my brand new nook! I got it yesterday (Tuesday). I haven't figured out how to incorporate this into your new notebook but considering how behind I am already, I figured I'll have time to figure everything else. I'm giving myself a month to finish this angel wings story and starting in December I'm going to start writing 5 pages a day maybe every other day so I don't kill my hand. But by the time the new year rolls around I should have a bunch of stuff for you. I'm going to send you the first 4 notebooks, volume 12, and Angel Wings all at once. Although it's taking me some time to get used to this thing so it might take longer. Who knows. All I know is, that's my goal.
So... I wanna talk to you about something. Keep in mind I'm not trying to yell at you. I'm just commenting. Look. I know you love Brian. Since March 2012 he has been your guy. I know you've been through a lot together, not all of it good, but he is generally a good guy and loves you. You know how you feel about him. I also know that things can seem better when somebody else comes into the picture. You don't always mean to but you find yourself wondering what things would be like with this other person. First of all... it's 100% natural to have these types of thoughts. Everyone at some point or another meets someone and wonders about them. But you know what you have is real and you guys have been established for a long time. I feel kind of like it is history repeating itself because you were thinking about Ryan when things were bad with David. I'm not saying the situations are the same because everyone is different. But it's completely natural to have feelings like this when the person you're with is being annoying at the moment and some other guy just happens to pop in at the right moment. But, if you were meant to be with this other guy, then you'd be with him. I know Mark and I sort of jumped into things but I have not had a serious relationship since Barry and he had been alone since his wife died. Both of which ended last year. So we both had time to work out our stuff by the time we saw each other again and then stuff just happened the way it did. So...you're with Brian for a reason. But in the name of caution, you're playing with fire. How would you like it if brian were flirting with some girl? That kind of communication needs to be halted. You need to talk to Brian. And when I say that I mean have the same conversation. Because it sounds like you're both talking but you aren't on the same page.
I gotta wrap this up for now. I love you and I can't wait to write in here more!! I smell coffee shop trips when Mark is at work. Love you!
Love,
Rita bo bita
Nov 7th, 2013
12:01am
more nbs updates
November 3rd, 2013
11:21pm
Hey Chels,
So... What's up? It's almost midnight and my man is over here snoring my ear off. I'm pretty sure one of us is sleeping in the living room tonight unless he can get that under control. But the problem is it's starting to get cold at night so... I hope he can handle it lol. He had a really hard day yesterday. Some days he works two jobs in the same day and I guess he is still tired from not getting much sleep. So if he wants to sleep so I can write then so be it.
So... Notebook stuff is going well. After I am done with this, I'm going to get everything ready to send you the first 4 volumes by Christmas. Now that I know more of how much I have, I can see that I have time to edit everything the way I want and get that stuff to you. It will feel great, you know... Looking back on all of this stuff, it reads just like a story would. I think it's crazy that I will have it all in print. When I get all the volumes we have so far I'm going to read them all over again, just like a series. Well, maybe pick one time a year to do it. Like the Twilight books. Lol.
I am actually feeling inspired to write right now so I think I'm going to do that. I love you!!
Rita
11:31pm
11:21pm
Hey Chels,
So... What's up? It's almost midnight and my man is over here snoring my ear off. I'm pretty sure one of us is sleeping in the living room tonight unless he can get that under control. But the problem is it's starting to get cold at night so... I hope he can handle it lol. He had a really hard day yesterday. Some days he works two jobs in the same day and I guess he is still tired from not getting much sleep. So if he wants to sleep so I can write then so be it.
So... Notebook stuff is going well. After I am done with this, I'm going to get everything ready to send you the first 4 volumes by Christmas. Now that I know more of how much I have, I can see that I have time to edit everything the way I want and get that stuff to you. It will feel great, you know... Looking back on all of this stuff, it reads just like a story would. I think it's crazy that I will have it all in print. When I get all the volumes we have so far I'm going to read them all over again, just like a series. Well, maybe pick one time a year to do it. Like the Twilight books. Lol.
I am actually feeling inspired to write right now so I think I'm going to do that. I love you!!
Rita
11:31pm
i ruined the "good" surprise...
November 2nd, 2013
8:29pm
Hey lady,
Well, as you can see it's not tomorrow. I am just so freaking annoyed right now. I keep getting to the point where I somehow do something and all my writing is erased. It just happened again. But... I'm not going to let it get me down and if I have to auto save more often than fine. Bring it on. So... How are you doing? I know I already texted you this but it sounds like you have ovarian cysts. They're very common among women our age. Your periods are heavier, might interfere with mood changes (I felt everything way more intensely), pelvic pain. But most of the time they are fluid and go away naturally. I'm not 100% sure that that's what's wrong with you, but I'm hoping it's something simple like that and nothing too serious. I can't take anything else wrong with you.
So... I have to write this down. You know how you said you are an empath? Well... I think you might have something called "uncontrolled empathy". It is when you still have everything an empath has, you just have no idea how to control it. So... I think what I'm going to do is look into some research and see what I can find in order to help you. Because the older you get, the more intense it gets and I hate to say this but religion is the biggest reason why people deny things about themselves. Like they think it's wrong or evil to take certain steps to help themselves, they think it makes them love God less or something. I know we have different view points on religion and spirituality but let me just tell you right now. I may worship differently than you, but I still believe in the same God I've always believed in. No matter what you call him or her (goddess), they're all different facets of the same one. I'm just saying, there are ways to deal with what you're going through. I want to help you find out what your abilities are and how to hone them so you don't get to the point of exhaustion all of the time. It's not about denouncing your faith or anything like that. It's about taking care of yourself.
But before I do anything, I was writing about my birthday. It was fun because my family was there. I hadn't told everybody about Mark so it came as a surprise to some people, but for once I wasn't caught up in this anxiety of "what everyone is going to think" and all that. I just treated the situation like he belonged with us. And I even held his hand :). I have to say that a lot of people really take advantage of that. They just do what they are going to do. But I haven't spent a birthday with anybody since Brian. Much less any other holiday. It was nice to have someone I didn't have to feel ashamed of, either. I ended up telling my cousin Maddy about how Mark was in jail for a while and lives with my family for the moment and all about Kristin. The only thing she told me was to be careful but I also know she's not gonna blab to anybody about it. She has her own issues to deal with. She's a high school senior with a 2 month old baby sister. This was after her mom promised that she wasn't going to date anyone until they were both out of the house. Good job, lady.
So anyway, we had yummy yummy pizza at this awesome italian restaurant and as Mark and I were leaving to go home we went back in to pick up our cake and walked in on a surprise. It was cute. I walked in as this table of girls was waiting for their friend to come around the corner so they could yell "Surprise!!" lol. On the way home we stopped at this metaphysical shop to see if there was anything I wanted. There was :). It was in the pendulum section but it looks cool. It's a hand with rainbow beads running down. Not sure how I'm going to assemble it into anything wearable but I can figure it out for sure. Then we came home and were just together all night.
I think he is getting ready to leave :(. I really don't want him to but at the same time I know he can't live with my parents forever. He wants to save a little bit more before moving out so he can afford to live once he does move out. He's still gonna be over here all the time and I will be over there a lot as well. I can't wait.
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm with him. It seems like just yesterday we were 2 awkward kids and now... I have really found someone who makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. He's my best friend, my love, my snuggle buddy, my creative influence. He always makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful everyday. I absolutely love his company. I know you were scared for me at first (you weren't the only one), but I wish you could get to know him so you know for sure that he's not a complete jerk or anything.
Oh and I guess Geoff knows now. He got mad that he wasn't invited to my party. So he started accusing me of keeping this huge secret and then he saw some pictures. Honestly, yes it's a little weird for me to tell my best guy friend that I'm with someone else. And we did hook up for like a minute. But nothing serious happened and I felt like an asshole so I decided to keep things how they were before. And things just happened the way they did. I love Mark. And that's pretty much it. I think I always have. It was just one of those things I never thought would materialize plus I was trying to make things work with assholes who never actually wanted to be with me.
I'm gonna go for now... But I love you and I hope you feel better soon. Kisses!
Rita
9:54pm
8:29pm
Hey lady,
Well, as you can see it's not tomorrow. I am just so freaking annoyed right now. I keep getting to the point where I somehow do something and all my writing is erased. It just happened again. But... I'm not going to let it get me down and if I have to auto save more often than fine. Bring it on. So... How are you doing? I know I already texted you this but it sounds like you have ovarian cysts. They're very common among women our age. Your periods are heavier, might interfere with mood changes (I felt everything way more intensely), pelvic pain. But most of the time they are fluid and go away naturally. I'm not 100% sure that that's what's wrong with you, but I'm hoping it's something simple like that and nothing too serious. I can't take anything else wrong with you.
So... I have to write this down. You know how you said you are an empath? Well... I think you might have something called "uncontrolled empathy". It is when you still have everything an empath has, you just have no idea how to control it. So... I think what I'm going to do is look into some research and see what I can find in order to help you. Because the older you get, the more intense it gets and I hate to say this but religion is the biggest reason why people deny things about themselves. Like they think it's wrong or evil to take certain steps to help themselves, they think it makes them love God less or something. I know we have different view points on religion and spirituality but let me just tell you right now. I may worship differently than you, but I still believe in the same God I've always believed in. No matter what you call him or her (goddess), they're all different facets of the same one. I'm just saying, there are ways to deal with what you're going through. I want to help you find out what your abilities are and how to hone them so you don't get to the point of exhaustion all of the time. It's not about denouncing your faith or anything like that. It's about taking care of yourself.
But before I do anything, I was writing about my birthday. It was fun because my family was there. I hadn't told everybody about Mark so it came as a surprise to some people, but for once I wasn't caught up in this anxiety of "what everyone is going to think" and all that. I just treated the situation like he belonged with us. And I even held his hand :). I have to say that a lot of people really take advantage of that. They just do what they are going to do. But I haven't spent a birthday with anybody since Brian. Much less any other holiday. It was nice to have someone I didn't have to feel ashamed of, either. I ended up telling my cousin Maddy about how Mark was in jail for a while and lives with my family for the moment and all about Kristin. The only thing she told me was to be careful but I also know she's not gonna blab to anybody about it. She has her own issues to deal with. She's a high school senior with a 2 month old baby sister. This was after her mom promised that she wasn't going to date anyone until they were both out of the house. Good job, lady.
So anyway, we had yummy yummy pizza at this awesome italian restaurant and as Mark and I were leaving to go home we went back in to pick up our cake and walked in on a surprise. It was cute. I walked in as this table of girls was waiting for their friend to come around the corner so they could yell "Surprise!!" lol. On the way home we stopped at this metaphysical shop to see if there was anything I wanted. There was :). It was in the pendulum section but it looks cool. It's a hand with rainbow beads running down. Not sure how I'm going to assemble it into anything wearable but I can figure it out for sure. Then we came home and were just together all night.
I think he is getting ready to leave :(. I really don't want him to but at the same time I know he can't live with my parents forever. He wants to save a little bit more before moving out so he can afford to live once he does move out. He's still gonna be over here all the time and I will be over there a lot as well. I can't wait.
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm with him. It seems like just yesterday we were 2 awkward kids and now... I have really found someone who makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. He's my best friend, my love, my snuggle buddy, my creative influence. He always makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful everyday. I absolutely love his company. I know you were scared for me at first (you weren't the only one), but I wish you could get to know him so you know for sure that he's not a complete jerk or anything.
Oh and I guess Geoff knows now. He got mad that he wasn't invited to my party. So he started accusing me of keeping this huge secret and then he saw some pictures. Honestly, yes it's a little weird for me to tell my best guy friend that I'm with someone else. And we did hook up for like a minute. But nothing serious happened and I felt like an asshole so I decided to keep things how they were before. And things just happened the way they did. I love Mark. And that's pretty much it. I think I always have. It was just one of those things I never thought would materialize plus I was trying to make things work with assholes who never actually wanted to be with me.
I'm gonna go for now... But I love you and I hope you feel better soon. Kisses!
Rita
9:54pm
has this ever happened to any of you?
October 28th, 2013
Ugh I am so pissed!!! For the last hour I've been writing and writing and then I tried deleting something and ended up somehow pasting my story onto here which deleted everything I wrote previously. So. I am going to take a breath and turn this thing off for now and write in it tomorrow when I don't feel like smashing this thing with a hammer. I love you and I'll rewrite this whole thing tomorrow.
Love,
Me
Ugh I am so pissed!!! For the last hour I've been writing and writing and then I tried deleting something and ended up somehow pasting my story onto here which deleted everything I wrote previously. So. I am going to take a breath and turn this thing off for now and write in it tomorrow when I don't feel like smashing this thing with a hammer. I love you and I'll rewrite this whole thing tomorrow.
Love,
Me
meeting the parents
October 23rd, 2013
9:17am
Hey,
Holy shit I'm up early. I gotta drive my man to work in like an hour or so, so I thought while I was up I may as well write you. You know... I haven't written in here in forever.. I've mostly just been working on volume 3, which I'm almost done with. So when I have this journal dump, I'm going to have the rest of volume 2 and volume 3 to put up. I can't freaking wait... It has been a very long time since I got to add anything to my blogs.
So, today, Friday and Sunday are my birthday celebrations. Tonight it's with my tarot group, Friday is with my aunt and Sunday is with my cousins. I'm excited because my family is meeting Mark on Sunday. They haven't met anybody since Brian. They would have met Barry if he wasn't such an asshole (who I think will be locked up for my b'day--there has to be some poetic justice in there somewhere). We had a talk last night and he said he was okay with whatever I wanted to call him and I said that if he's gonna be meeting my family and eventually being a part of it I'm not gonna hide how I feel. Especially if I wanted to hold hands with him in public. He's my guy and I'm perfectly fine with that :). You know... I still haven't gotten a letter from you. I think I'm gonna bug you about that today lol.
I can't wait to finish volume 3. I'm gonna make sure to include everything I can in volume 4 but that original one is staying with me. I know you're okay with that.
Anyways, I love you!!
Rita
9:33am
9:17am
Hey,
Holy shit I'm up early. I gotta drive my man to work in like an hour or so, so I thought while I was up I may as well write you. You know... I haven't written in here in forever.. I've mostly just been working on volume 3, which I'm almost done with. So when I have this journal dump, I'm going to have the rest of volume 2 and volume 3 to put up. I can't freaking wait... It has been a very long time since I got to add anything to my blogs.
So, today, Friday and Sunday are my birthday celebrations. Tonight it's with my tarot group, Friday is with my aunt and Sunday is with my cousins. I'm excited because my family is meeting Mark on Sunday. They haven't met anybody since Brian. They would have met Barry if he wasn't such an asshole (who I think will be locked up for my b'day--there has to be some poetic justice in there somewhere). We had a talk last night and he said he was okay with whatever I wanted to call him and I said that if he's gonna be meeting my family and eventually being a part of it I'm not gonna hide how I feel. Especially if I wanted to hold hands with him in public. He's my guy and I'm perfectly fine with that :). You know... I still haven't gotten a letter from you. I think I'm gonna bug you about that today lol.
I can't wait to finish volume 3. I'm gonna make sure to include everything I can in volume 4 but that original one is staying with me. I know you're okay with that.
Anyways, I love you!!
Rita
9:33am
You have so many relationships in this life...
October 15th, 2013
12:01am
Hey Chels,
It's after midnight and Mark isn't home yet :(. He went to his buddy Jeff's house to fix this motorbicycle thing and that was around 7:30pm. He called me a little bit ago to say he was coming home soon so he should be here pretty soon. The thing that sucks is that Friday he had to work and then my friend Becca took me out for sushi. Then Saturday he had to work both jobs and I had Ze's party and my writing group. Then yesterday he had to work 12-8 and I had a Hanson concert (which was freaking awesome!!). But today he had to work until 3:30pm and then we were going to go shopping. Well, he tells me that he's going to Jeff's to fix his bike and I said it was okay but I wanted to go shopping and he wanted to come with me so he did but then he left around 7:30 to go fix his bike and here we are. And tomorrow he works 4-9pm so we have a little time but not nearly as much as I wanted. All I wanted was to snuggle up and watch Walking Dead. It's not his fault that this happened, it just sucks that in the past few days we've both just been crazy busy. And on top of that, I'm getting sleepy. And my legs are killing me.
So... Hanson. Yesterday I was going to leave my house at 5 to get there at 6 but I got tired of waiting so I left at 4. I got there at 5 and we hung out for a while and left to get to the house of blues around 6. It took a while, we didn't get there till almost 7 and had some Chipotle which I'm glad we did because by the time the show was over it was after 11 and I didn't get in my car till after midnight and finally got home after 1am. I thought we had seats but I guess it was just a head count thing so we stood by the stairs. Megan kept getting pushed by this annoying blonde but ultimately the show was great which made up for it. The opening act was this guy who was cool until he broke out the John Mayer. Ugh. And they kept us waiting till 9:15. But then they finally showed up. Now.. Lots of people discredit Hanson as a legit band because they started out as cute boys. But they always wrote great music and I've always had a special spot for them in my heart. And over the years their style has only gotten a million times better. Not only do they write songs that people can relate to, they have a great ear for what sounds great and they are amazing to their fans.
They played some stuff off their new album but they went all over the place and a little bit of every record. Yaaaaaaaay my baby is home!!
But anyway, my visit with Megan was great, too. The last time I saw her was when she was driving me to the airport to see you and Brian. Holy shit lol.
I still have so much to say but I want to visit with my man for a little while at least. Love you!
Rita
12:18am
12:01am
Hey Chels,
It's after midnight and Mark isn't home yet :(. He went to his buddy Jeff's house to fix this motorbicycle thing and that was around 7:30pm. He called me a little bit ago to say he was coming home soon so he should be here pretty soon. The thing that sucks is that Friday he had to work and then my friend Becca took me out for sushi. Then Saturday he had to work both jobs and I had Ze's party and my writing group. Then yesterday he had to work 12-8 and I had a Hanson concert (which was freaking awesome!!). But today he had to work until 3:30pm and then we were going to go shopping. Well, he tells me that he's going to Jeff's to fix his bike and I said it was okay but I wanted to go shopping and he wanted to come with me so he did but then he left around 7:30 to go fix his bike and here we are. And tomorrow he works 4-9pm so we have a little time but not nearly as much as I wanted. All I wanted was to snuggle up and watch Walking Dead. It's not his fault that this happened, it just sucks that in the past few days we've both just been crazy busy. And on top of that, I'm getting sleepy. And my legs are killing me.
So... Hanson. Yesterday I was going to leave my house at 5 to get there at 6 but I got tired of waiting so I left at 4. I got there at 5 and we hung out for a while and left to get to the house of blues around 6. It took a while, we didn't get there till almost 7 and had some Chipotle which I'm glad we did because by the time the show was over it was after 11 and I didn't get in my car till after midnight and finally got home after 1am. I thought we had seats but I guess it was just a head count thing so we stood by the stairs. Megan kept getting pushed by this annoying blonde but ultimately the show was great which made up for it. The opening act was this guy who was cool until he broke out the John Mayer. Ugh. And they kept us waiting till 9:15. But then they finally showed up. Now.. Lots of people discredit Hanson as a legit band because they started out as cute boys. But they always wrote great music and I've always had a special spot for them in my heart. And over the years their style has only gotten a million times better. Not only do they write songs that people can relate to, they have a great ear for what sounds great and they are amazing to their fans.
They played some stuff off their new album but they went all over the place and a little bit of every record. Yaaaaaaaay my baby is home!!
But anyway, my visit with Megan was great, too. The last time I saw her was when she was driving me to the airport to see you and Brian. Holy shit lol.
I still have so much to say but I want to visit with my man for a little while at least. Love you!
Rita
12:18am
Before Craigslist, there was Eddie...
October 11th, 2013
9:50am
Hey Chels,
I'm up early today because my boyfriend had to work and his alarm kept going off so by the time he left I was awake. But it's all good. I had a rough night last night. My friend Angel called me and said she was on her way to Michigan because her husband's dad was having emergency heart surgery. She then called me about an hour later to tell me that he had passed away. While at the same time, her stepson's wife was going into labor. I felt so bad I couldn't be there for her, and it made me think of our situation. I really have no idea what's going on with you. But as much as I miss you and wish you wouldn't push me away, the most I can do is just pray for you and our friendship, which is what I've been doing because it's something that I still believe in. I don't want to waste time pointing fingers and fighting about who is right. You may not have liked my answer to the question you asked, but at least you know what my problem is. I don't and never have expected you to be up my ass all the time texting me. My point was that it had been over a week since you had texted me even when I posted about my dad. And that was just about something cryptic I put on my Facebook. I am sorry you feel the way you feel right now. I know your way of dealing with things is different than mine. It just hurts, that's all. And I'm sure that if I did to you what you're doing to me you'd be saying the same things as I am about it. You want me to understand something but you've given me no information. You ask me to have faith but even Christians have the bible, a plethora of information. I've been patient with you. It's been almost a month (a week from Sunday, it will be) since we really talked and even then it was bad. You were still telling me that you had to calm down to write this letter. That was almost a month ago. So for at least 3 weeks now I've been sitting here waiting for anything from you. At least when you ask me a question I tell you the answer, even when you don't like it. I can't control your attitude towards me any more than you can control what I tell you. But at least I'm saying something.
In other news... This weekend is going to be crazy busy but freaking amazing. I have a date with my friend Becca tonight... After months of breaking plans we are finally going out for sushi... Tomorrow I'm going to a party over at Ze's house and then my writing group (I'm working on a story right now), and Sunday is the Hanson concert. I am so freaking excited about that. The last and only one I've ever been to was in 2003. Wow... A whole entire decade later. They have really come a long way.
So... You were right about Larry. There I said it, lol. He made it clear that he will never respect me or whoever I'm with. I already don't trust him and we can never just have a regular conversation besides how he's an idiot and all that noise. So, I've decided that as much as he hurt me, I can move on knowing that he knows that much. Besides, if you thought of someone as your girlfriend, wouldn't you want her to only sleep with you and not find someone else? That's so shitty. And I know Mark isn't your favorite person, but he agrees with you that Larry isn't good company to keep. Only thing is I wish I could tell you all of this right now but I can't :(. That makes me sad the most, despite everything. I just hope Chelsea comes back.
Mark and I are doing pretty well still. Every day it just seems like we get closer and closer to each other. I never knew that this kind of love was in the cards for me. I wish that I could tell you all of this and share with you how happy I am. I hope that one day I will get to.
Love,
Me
10:14am
9:50am
Hey Chels,
I'm up early today because my boyfriend had to work and his alarm kept going off so by the time he left I was awake. But it's all good. I had a rough night last night. My friend Angel called me and said she was on her way to Michigan because her husband's dad was having emergency heart surgery. She then called me about an hour later to tell me that he had passed away. While at the same time, her stepson's wife was going into labor. I felt so bad I couldn't be there for her, and it made me think of our situation. I really have no idea what's going on with you. But as much as I miss you and wish you wouldn't push me away, the most I can do is just pray for you and our friendship, which is what I've been doing because it's something that I still believe in. I don't want to waste time pointing fingers and fighting about who is right. You may not have liked my answer to the question you asked, but at least you know what my problem is. I don't and never have expected you to be up my ass all the time texting me. My point was that it had been over a week since you had texted me even when I posted about my dad. And that was just about something cryptic I put on my Facebook. I am sorry you feel the way you feel right now. I know your way of dealing with things is different than mine. It just hurts, that's all. And I'm sure that if I did to you what you're doing to me you'd be saying the same things as I am about it. You want me to understand something but you've given me no information. You ask me to have faith but even Christians have the bible, a plethora of information. I've been patient with you. It's been almost a month (a week from Sunday, it will be) since we really talked and even then it was bad. You were still telling me that you had to calm down to write this letter. That was almost a month ago. So for at least 3 weeks now I've been sitting here waiting for anything from you. At least when you ask me a question I tell you the answer, even when you don't like it. I can't control your attitude towards me any more than you can control what I tell you. But at least I'm saying something.
In other news... This weekend is going to be crazy busy but freaking amazing. I have a date with my friend Becca tonight... After months of breaking plans we are finally going out for sushi... Tomorrow I'm going to a party over at Ze's house and then my writing group (I'm working on a story right now), and Sunday is the Hanson concert. I am so freaking excited about that. The last and only one I've ever been to was in 2003. Wow... A whole entire decade later. They have really come a long way.
So... You were right about Larry. There I said it, lol. He made it clear that he will never respect me or whoever I'm with. I already don't trust him and we can never just have a regular conversation besides how he's an idiot and all that noise. So, I've decided that as much as he hurt me, I can move on knowing that he knows that much. Besides, if you thought of someone as your girlfriend, wouldn't you want her to only sleep with you and not find someone else? That's so shitty. And I know Mark isn't your favorite person, but he agrees with you that Larry isn't good company to keep. Only thing is I wish I could tell you all of this right now but I can't :(. That makes me sad the most, despite everything. I just hope Chelsea comes back.
Mark and I are doing pretty well still. Every day it just seems like we get closer and closer to each other. I never knew that this kind of love was in the cards for me. I wish that I could tell you all of this and share with you how happy I am. I hope that one day I will get to.
Love,
Me
10:14am
a friend's lack of faith...
October 10th, 2013
12:19pm
Hey Chels,
So... Yesterday. I thought by now I would know what to say but I really don't. I honestly have no idea what is going on with you right now. My whole point is that there's obviously something you are avoiding telling me about. It never mattered how busy we were before, we would always have time to at least check in. Ever since that letter we've gone days--DAYS without talking to each other. I don't know why you're not talking but I am staying quiet because I don't know how to approach you and yesterday was a clear indication that something was going on. If anyone understands about alone time, it's me. But it's like... This is what happened before when you were coming off of Xanax. You just expected me to know to leave you alone. And this time there wasn't even a warning, you just want to be left alone. Indefinitely. And you want someone to understand you? How can I understand you when you tell me you don't like my boyfriend, then don't like my answer to your letter, and never tell me why and stop talking to me? How the fuck am I supposed to understand that? I have never hidden anything from you when it came to Mark. His past, present and future. I asked you to have faith in me after I was completely honest with you. You have given me nothing and expect me to have the same faith in you. Faith doesn't work that way. And being a Christian, you should understand that. You should understand that faith isn't believing whatever someone tells you without question. I am questioning now because I'm trying to understand you. It's having trust in something you can't see. I do trust that we will get past this. But for some reason I feel like you are shutting down like you said you wanted to and for no real reason. I get that your job is stressful. I was there for you when you first started. But how am I going to understand anything about your life if you never tell me anything and stop talking to me completely? I have been there for you through everything, especially in the past 3-4 years. I have stayed friends with you even when you felt guilty about giving Brian Ryan's work info. I knew you did it and I never held it against you. I was there for you when you accidentally stole a ring from your job and got fired. When you slept with Rich. Even when you had an affair with Grant. And when you were in love with Ryan even though he was a dick to you. I was always there. And now it's like... I finally found Mark and you don't like him so you shut down on me? And you don't like my answer when I'm trying to defend him? Wouldn't you defend Brian if someone said something you didn't like about him? Yes--because it's happened. So I don't get how me doing the same thing gets me being ignored and then yelled at. That is so 8 years ago.
I dunno, Chels. I love you but this behavior is unacceptable to me. I just hope one day you open your eyes and see how bad this is. And I hope that you will try and fix our friendship because I want to but I'm not gonna stick around and take this abuse forever. My love for you will never go away but I need to protect myself. I'm just going to give you time and space and if I put anything else on fb if it'll cause a fight I will think twice. But for the most part I think I'm going to leave that alone as well.
Love you (and I will continue to write until it doesn't feel right anymore).
Love,
Rita
12:45pm
12:19pm
Hey Chels,
So... Yesterday. I thought by now I would know what to say but I really don't. I honestly have no idea what is going on with you right now. My whole point is that there's obviously something you are avoiding telling me about. It never mattered how busy we were before, we would always have time to at least check in. Ever since that letter we've gone days--DAYS without talking to each other. I don't know why you're not talking but I am staying quiet because I don't know how to approach you and yesterday was a clear indication that something was going on. If anyone understands about alone time, it's me. But it's like... This is what happened before when you were coming off of Xanax. You just expected me to know to leave you alone. And this time there wasn't even a warning, you just want to be left alone. Indefinitely. And you want someone to understand you? How can I understand you when you tell me you don't like my boyfriend, then don't like my answer to your letter, and never tell me why and stop talking to me? How the fuck am I supposed to understand that? I have never hidden anything from you when it came to Mark. His past, present and future. I asked you to have faith in me after I was completely honest with you. You have given me nothing and expect me to have the same faith in you. Faith doesn't work that way. And being a Christian, you should understand that. You should understand that faith isn't believing whatever someone tells you without question. I am questioning now because I'm trying to understand you. It's having trust in something you can't see. I do trust that we will get past this. But for some reason I feel like you are shutting down like you said you wanted to and for no real reason. I get that your job is stressful. I was there for you when you first started. But how am I going to understand anything about your life if you never tell me anything and stop talking to me completely? I have been there for you through everything, especially in the past 3-4 years. I have stayed friends with you even when you felt guilty about giving Brian Ryan's work info. I knew you did it and I never held it against you. I was there for you when you accidentally stole a ring from your job and got fired. When you slept with Rich. Even when you had an affair with Grant. And when you were in love with Ryan even though he was a dick to you. I was always there. And now it's like... I finally found Mark and you don't like him so you shut down on me? And you don't like my answer when I'm trying to defend him? Wouldn't you defend Brian if someone said something you didn't like about him? Yes--because it's happened. So I don't get how me doing the same thing gets me being ignored and then yelled at. That is so 8 years ago.
I dunno, Chels. I love you but this behavior is unacceptable to me. I just hope one day you open your eyes and see how bad this is. And I hope that you will try and fix our friendship because I want to but I'm not gonna stick around and take this abuse forever. My love for you will never go away but I need to protect myself. I'm just going to give you time and space and if I put anything else on fb if it'll cause a fight I will think twice. But for the most part I think I'm going to leave that alone as well.
Love you (and I will continue to write until it doesn't feel right anymore).
Love,
Rita
12:45pm
still awkward...
October 9th, 2013
1:38pm
Hey Chels,
So, it seems as if I'm gonna go another full week without hearing from you. You know... I really don't get this. I'm not sure what's going on in your life but... I just don't get it. I used to hear from you every day and we used to text each other in the morning, not just one person texting the other. Ever since that last letter of yours, we haven't spoken hardly at all. It feels weird for me to say anything to you because we've gone so long now without saying anything to each other. I think it's bogus that it's gone from complete give and take to if I don't text you, I will never hear from you. I'm not saying goodbye to our friendship, I just have no idea where to go from here. For the first time ever, you feel like a stranger to me. We've gone through times of not really talking, but it's never been to this extent of me feeling like I really have absolutely no idea how to approach you. I just hope that one day I'll get some answers.
In other news, I have a massage today (yay!). It's not the best massage but it's better than nothing. Mark and I are doing really well, also. It seems more natural to the both of us now, being together. Things have calmed down considerably with all the different dramas going on and now we are just falling into a sweet little routine. I absolutely love having him here and if it were up to me he'd never leave. But he has an idea of what he wants apartment wise and eventually he'll get it and move out. And then when I'm finally ready, I'll probably be moving in with him. But not for a while yet. My place is still here at home with my parents.
Anyhow... I gotta get ready to leave and I really don't want to go because it'll be cold outside lol. In spite of all this, I really hope I hear from you soon. Love you!
Rita
1:58pm
1:38pm
Hey Chels,
So, it seems as if I'm gonna go another full week without hearing from you. You know... I really don't get this. I'm not sure what's going on in your life but... I just don't get it. I used to hear from you every day and we used to text each other in the morning, not just one person texting the other. Ever since that last letter of yours, we haven't spoken hardly at all. It feels weird for me to say anything to you because we've gone so long now without saying anything to each other. I think it's bogus that it's gone from complete give and take to if I don't text you, I will never hear from you. I'm not saying goodbye to our friendship, I just have no idea where to go from here. For the first time ever, you feel like a stranger to me. We've gone through times of not really talking, but it's never been to this extent of me feeling like I really have absolutely no idea how to approach you. I just hope that one day I'll get some answers.
In other news, I have a massage today (yay!). It's not the best massage but it's better than nothing. Mark and I are doing really well, also. It seems more natural to the both of us now, being together. Things have calmed down considerably with all the different dramas going on and now we are just falling into a sweet little routine. I absolutely love having him here and if it were up to me he'd never leave. But he has an idea of what he wants apartment wise and eventually he'll get it and move out. And then when I'm finally ready, I'll probably be moving in with him. But not for a while yet. My place is still here at home with my parents.
Anyhow... I gotta get ready to leave and I really don't want to go because it'll be cold outside lol. In spite of all this, I really hope I hear from you soon. Love you!
Rita
1:58pm
notebook stuff and cuddlebugs...
October 4th, 2013
5:12pm
Hey Chels,
No, I didn't go back to ignoring you. But I am taking some time to myself. I dunno it just seems like... Even though life got busy I always heard from you and now not at all. I know I could always text you, but it used to be both of us texting each other, and now it feels like if I don't text you, I'm not going to hear from you. Which has been the case ever since you got pissed off at me for whatever reason I have yet to find out. It doesn't feel like we're "in a fight" or anything, just I dunno what to think. I have to think that this is something you're going through and we'll just talk everything out sooner or later. I do still consider you my bff, just feel like for now we are taking time.
At any rate, I have a plan for the notebooks. I finally finished volume 2 and I decided while I was working on writing in volume 12, I'm just going to hold onto all these books until you move and they will be your housewarming gift. And that includes the new notebooks as well. I am really hoping that it will be sometime this year but it would be even better if it was next year so I could get more done. But once you move, the notebooks I finish (old and new) will be the ones you get. I think that's fair enough.
I still want to study massage but I feel like my focus is on writing right now. I just want to finish my stories and write my blog and write you and type up all these notebooks. I can't wait til all these notebooks are turned into actual books and I can't wait to see if this AdSense actually makes me money. I'll be happy with whatever I get.
So... Yesterday morning was cute. As soon as I woke up Mark jumped onto my bed and snuggled with me. And then the dog jumped up. So for a little bit I was in a Rita sandwich. And then this morning Mark had to leave early and I woke up to the sound of my dad barfing. WTF is up with the universe? Lol. He's okay though and Mark is home now so yay :).
Actually, things are going really well. It sucks that I can't share with you how happy I am because I'm kind of afraid to right now. But like... He always makes me laugh, he snuggles with me, kisses me, holds my hand, tells me I'm beautiful, and has been there for me when I needed someone. After he got out of jail (like right after), I used to get this panicky feeling if I wasn't with him all the time. I'm happy to say that that part is over and has been replaced by just a general contentment and a feeling of missing him when he's not around. And if I went to the store and picked something up for him, I can tell he appreciates it. He gets along with my parents and makes my mom laugh. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy. I just wish I could share it with you. Maybe one day I will but not going to chance it unless you ask first.
I read this thing you put on your fb about people being able to have opinions but not you. I have no idea if that was directed towards me or not but I will say this. It's not the fact that you have opinions that's the problem. It's when they come out kind of judgmental that hurts people's feelings. Now... I did feel attacked when you went off on me about Mark and then berating me for not shutting Larry out of my life completely. I have known these people a long time, Chels. And as the kind of person I am, it's incredibly difficult for me to cut a person off, especially if I still feel a connection with that person. Now, if I felt like I was 100% over someone and better off without that person, that's a different story. But I don't think I need to be told what I should and shouldn't do, who I should still be friends with, especially since I've accepted the fact that you are pretty much in the same boat. There will always be people in your life that I won't agree with, but it's your life. I don't think that should be as important as the fact that you are still a big part of my life and I hope that I'm still a big part of yours. I know we worry about each other, especially since we aren't around to see things for ourselves, but we should at least remember to have faith in each other. I hope that by the time you read this, we will have worked all this stuff out already. I know a lot if stuff I've been saying has been repetitive, but it's my process.
Anyway... So about Larry. I know he isn't your favorite subject in the world, but of course I have something to write about. This week I learned more about him than I have in the whole over a year that we were... Whatever we were. He told me that he did think of me as a girlfriend and he didn't sleep around or anything. And I got closer than I give myself credit for. I think it's mostly just because he finally realized what he missed, but he just made it sound like we were really together. As much as I wanted us to be together, we never were. He told me he was afraid of the title because he had had such bad luck in relationships. It's like, hello, my last boyfriend is in jail. Dumbass. Like I have any luck when it comes to relationships lol. I've accepted the fact that we weren't meant to be... But I guess he didn't realize that until he really couldn't have me anymore.
Anyway, I'm gonna go for now. My man is home and tomorrow is his busy day so tonight we are spending time together.
Love you,
Rita
8:48pm
5:12pm
Hey Chels,
No, I didn't go back to ignoring you. But I am taking some time to myself. I dunno it just seems like... Even though life got busy I always heard from you and now not at all. I know I could always text you, but it used to be both of us texting each other, and now it feels like if I don't text you, I'm not going to hear from you. Which has been the case ever since you got pissed off at me for whatever reason I have yet to find out. It doesn't feel like we're "in a fight" or anything, just I dunno what to think. I have to think that this is something you're going through and we'll just talk everything out sooner or later. I do still consider you my bff, just feel like for now we are taking time.
At any rate, I have a plan for the notebooks. I finally finished volume 2 and I decided while I was working on writing in volume 12, I'm just going to hold onto all these books until you move and they will be your housewarming gift. And that includes the new notebooks as well. I am really hoping that it will be sometime this year but it would be even better if it was next year so I could get more done. But once you move, the notebooks I finish (old and new) will be the ones you get. I think that's fair enough.
I still want to study massage but I feel like my focus is on writing right now. I just want to finish my stories and write my blog and write you and type up all these notebooks. I can't wait til all these notebooks are turned into actual books and I can't wait to see if this AdSense actually makes me money. I'll be happy with whatever I get.
So... Yesterday morning was cute. As soon as I woke up Mark jumped onto my bed and snuggled with me. And then the dog jumped up. So for a little bit I was in a Rita sandwich. And then this morning Mark had to leave early and I woke up to the sound of my dad barfing. WTF is up with the universe? Lol. He's okay though and Mark is home now so yay :).
Actually, things are going really well. It sucks that I can't share with you how happy I am because I'm kind of afraid to right now. But like... He always makes me laugh, he snuggles with me, kisses me, holds my hand, tells me I'm beautiful, and has been there for me when I needed someone. After he got out of jail (like right after), I used to get this panicky feeling if I wasn't with him all the time. I'm happy to say that that part is over and has been replaced by just a general contentment and a feeling of missing him when he's not around. And if I went to the store and picked something up for him, I can tell he appreciates it. He gets along with my parents and makes my mom laugh. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy. I just wish I could share it with you. Maybe one day I will but not going to chance it unless you ask first.
I read this thing you put on your fb about people being able to have opinions but not you. I have no idea if that was directed towards me or not but I will say this. It's not the fact that you have opinions that's the problem. It's when they come out kind of judgmental that hurts people's feelings. Now... I did feel attacked when you went off on me about Mark and then berating me for not shutting Larry out of my life completely. I have known these people a long time, Chels. And as the kind of person I am, it's incredibly difficult for me to cut a person off, especially if I still feel a connection with that person. Now, if I felt like I was 100% over someone and better off without that person, that's a different story. But I don't think I need to be told what I should and shouldn't do, who I should still be friends with, especially since I've accepted the fact that you are pretty much in the same boat. There will always be people in your life that I won't agree with, but it's your life. I don't think that should be as important as the fact that you are still a big part of my life and I hope that I'm still a big part of yours. I know we worry about each other, especially since we aren't around to see things for ourselves, but we should at least remember to have faith in each other. I hope that by the time you read this, we will have worked all this stuff out already. I know a lot if stuff I've been saying has been repetitive, but it's my process.
Anyway... So about Larry. I know he isn't your favorite subject in the world, but of course I have something to write about. This week I learned more about him than I have in the whole over a year that we were... Whatever we were. He told me that he did think of me as a girlfriend and he didn't sleep around or anything. And I got closer than I give myself credit for. I think it's mostly just because he finally realized what he missed, but he just made it sound like we were really together. As much as I wanted us to be together, we never were. He told me he was afraid of the title because he had had such bad luck in relationships. It's like, hello, my last boyfriend is in jail. Dumbass. Like I have any luck when it comes to relationships lol. I've accepted the fact that we weren't meant to be... But I guess he didn't realize that until he really couldn't have me anymore.
Anyway, I'm gonna go for now. My man is home and tomorrow is his busy day so tonight we are spending time together.
Love you,
Rita
8:48pm
at times of uncertainty...
October 2nd, 2013
10:45am
So, I didn't need to count down because the next day you tagged me in a post so I texted you and we talked. But like... I dunno. You made such a big deal about being upset at me about whatever I wrote that you needed space to calm down before writing me back. When I asked you about it, you were like, "oh I'll still write you, I'm just so busy." like I'm sitting over here with my thumb up my ass doing nothing. Something is definitely going on with you and I'm not sure what it is but it's a little screwy. So now it's been a couple of weeks easy and I STILL have no idea what your problem with Mark was to make you that upset in the first place. Do you see where I'm coming from at all? That this is a little annoying to me? It just feels like you made a big deal over something and are now trying to blow it off like you're fine now so you don't need to explain anything.
Anyway, it makes me not want to tell you stuff like I'm almost done with volume 2! Yay!! I would tell you but you're acting all weird and whatnot right now. I am so excited to finish it and onto Volume 3. I think I'm going to wait to journal dump my stories until I have more material. But the rest of it I'm going to dump. :D.
Anyways, I'm gonna go for now. I'm so excited to finish this volume!!
Love,
Me
10:57am
10:45am
So, I didn't need to count down because the next day you tagged me in a post so I texted you and we talked. But like... I dunno. You made such a big deal about being upset at me about whatever I wrote that you needed space to calm down before writing me back. When I asked you about it, you were like, "oh I'll still write you, I'm just so busy." like I'm sitting over here with my thumb up my ass doing nothing. Something is definitely going on with you and I'm not sure what it is but it's a little screwy. So now it's been a couple of weeks easy and I STILL have no idea what your problem with Mark was to make you that upset in the first place. Do you see where I'm coming from at all? That this is a little annoying to me? It just feels like you made a big deal over something and are now trying to blow it off like you're fine now so you don't need to explain anything.
Anyway, it makes me not want to tell you stuff like I'm almost done with volume 2! Yay!! I would tell you but you're acting all weird and whatnot right now. I am so excited to finish it and onto Volume 3. I think I'm going to wait to journal dump my stories until I have more material. But the rest of it I'm going to dump. :D.
Anyways, I'm gonna go for now. I'm so excited to finish this volume!!
Love,
Me
10:57am
nobody likes the silent treatment...
September 29th, 2013
11:46pm
Hey Chels,
Well... It's been 9 whole days and soon will be 10, and I have yet to hear from you. Although I can understand where you're coming from as a friend, I think this has gone on for long enough. I think that not texting me at all for over a week is ridiculous but at the same time I still dunno WTF to do about it, and it's kind of blowing my mind that you'd let something this stupid and petty dictate our communication. I think the last time I got pissed at you and stopped talking was while I was still dating Ryan like 3 fucking years ago. Because ever since we started talking again that time, we never stopped. So now, I really don't get it. I have no idea how you feel about anything and I'm afraid to do anything because I don't want to make it worse. Although right now I could be making things worse by not texting you and you're probably saying the same thing about me, that I'm the one not texting YOU for this long. I'm going to give you till next Sunday to sort this shit out in your brain. If I haven't heard from you by Sunday, October 6th at 10:00pm (your time), I'm sending you a damn text message. It won't be mean, but I'm giving you this much time because I really don't know what else to do, but even I have my limits. And I decided that at the particular date and time, it's mine.
At any rate, you missed a good day over here. Mark and my mom both had days off so we went to the library and I got all these books I can't wait to read. And then we went to the mall and then we got home and I took a bath and now Mark is sleeping and I'm over here writing to you. I should mention that I might be a little stoned because I ate a pot brownie. At the beginning of the week, I ate two brownies and thought I was going to die. The worst part was that I was all by myself. Mark had to work and my dad was at the hospital getting this procedure done. So I figured I would relax and I had had a couple of brownies before at Loth so I figured I would be okay. Well, about 2 hours later I suddenly feel like my eyes are just randomly closing and my arms start to feel heavy. I just laid down but then my body felt like I was falling so going to sleep was not an option for me. I fought it but I kept getting that uncomfortable free fall feeling so I freaked out. I called Mark but he didn't answer so I went to the bathroom and put cold water over my head. It cleared me up for a while but then I started again so I dunked my head under water a second time and this time I threw up. After that, Mark called and I told him I was scared to close my eyes because I didn't know if I would wake up. He was at work so he couldn't come home to be with me but he said to put on something that made me happy so I put on Olga Kay. After that I fell asleep and Mark finally came home. Ew I think he just farted in his sleep :/. Anyway, so my dad finally came home from his procedure and said he felt way better and every day he continues to feel better. He has another treatment on the 8th and then 1 after that and then he's done for 6-12 months.
This week I plan on getting a lot of stuff done. I figured out how many pages of each notebook I have to do to finish them so I will be working on that plus this new study guide that I have. I think I am just going to do my schedule of each thing because otherwise I'll be stuck on all of this forever. Plus with my dad and all this other stuff... I have some full weeks.
Anyways, I'm gonna go for now. I'm giving you exactly 6 days, 21 hours, 47 mins and 5 (and counting) seconds to talk to me. If I don't hear from you, I'm texting you. Deal with it.
Love,
Me
12:11am
11:46pm
Hey Chels,
Well... It's been 9 whole days and soon will be 10, and I have yet to hear from you. Although I can understand where you're coming from as a friend, I think this has gone on for long enough. I think that not texting me at all for over a week is ridiculous but at the same time I still dunno WTF to do about it, and it's kind of blowing my mind that you'd let something this stupid and petty dictate our communication. I think the last time I got pissed at you and stopped talking was while I was still dating Ryan like 3 fucking years ago. Because ever since we started talking again that time, we never stopped. So now, I really don't get it. I have no idea how you feel about anything and I'm afraid to do anything because I don't want to make it worse. Although right now I could be making things worse by not texting you and you're probably saying the same thing about me, that I'm the one not texting YOU for this long. I'm going to give you till next Sunday to sort this shit out in your brain. If I haven't heard from you by Sunday, October 6th at 10:00pm (your time), I'm sending you a damn text message. It won't be mean, but I'm giving you this much time because I really don't know what else to do, but even I have my limits. And I decided that at the particular date and time, it's mine.
At any rate, you missed a good day over here. Mark and my mom both had days off so we went to the library and I got all these books I can't wait to read. And then we went to the mall and then we got home and I took a bath and now Mark is sleeping and I'm over here writing to you. I should mention that I might be a little stoned because I ate a pot brownie. At the beginning of the week, I ate two brownies and thought I was going to die. The worst part was that I was all by myself. Mark had to work and my dad was at the hospital getting this procedure done. So I figured I would relax and I had had a couple of brownies before at Loth so I figured I would be okay. Well, about 2 hours later I suddenly feel like my eyes are just randomly closing and my arms start to feel heavy. I just laid down but then my body felt like I was falling so going to sleep was not an option for me. I fought it but I kept getting that uncomfortable free fall feeling so I freaked out. I called Mark but he didn't answer so I went to the bathroom and put cold water over my head. It cleared me up for a while but then I started again so I dunked my head under water a second time and this time I threw up. After that, Mark called and I told him I was scared to close my eyes because I didn't know if I would wake up. He was at work so he couldn't come home to be with me but he said to put on something that made me happy so I put on Olga Kay. After that I fell asleep and Mark finally came home. Ew I think he just farted in his sleep :/. Anyway, so my dad finally came home from his procedure and said he felt way better and every day he continues to feel better. He has another treatment on the 8th and then 1 after that and then he's done for 6-12 months.
This week I plan on getting a lot of stuff done. I figured out how many pages of each notebook I have to do to finish them so I will be working on that plus this new study guide that I have. I think I am just going to do my schedule of each thing because otherwise I'll be stuck on all of this forever. Plus with my dad and all this other stuff... I have some full weeks.
Anyways, I'm gonna go for now. I'm giving you exactly 6 days, 21 hours, 47 mins and 5 (and counting) seconds to talk to me. If I don't hear from you, I'm texting you. Deal with it.
Love,
Me
12:11am
I just want to be OK
September 26th, 2013
10:53am
Hey Chels,
So, it's now Thursday and we haven't spoken in almost a week, according to my phone. I sent you a text but you never responded so I have no idea if you even got it and frankly I'm kind of afraid to ask. I keep feeling as if I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what it is. The only thing I can think of is I'm being punished for following my heart. The thing I understand about friendships is that you feel so close to someone that you feel as if you're living vicariously through them, especially when it comes to the people they choose to surround themselves with. So I understand where you're coming from. But this is my path and I am the one who gets to say who stays and who goes. I'm never going to live up to your standards of how I'm living my life if you get mad at me for keeping certain people in my life. But I feel like it's not your place to decide, just like it's not mine to decide who you keep in your life. Please know that all these things that I'm saying I also turn around on myself in your life. I do want what's best for you but I can't make all your choices for you. I have to let you live your own life. If I'm lucky I will just be along for the ride.
I am hopeful that this will pass and we will be close like we were because I miss you. This just sucks for me. But in the end I want to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy so neither of us feel like we have to bite our tongue or that we have to keep a portion of our lives private. You were just saying how you were so glad we had no more secrets from each other. So this is why this whole thing is so surprising to me. At any rate...
I'm hoping I get a letter from you soon. All this suspense is killing me. But the good news is that I still get to tell you stuff, just has to be in here. So this is a recap of things you've missed:
Camping was a lot of fun. Although I miss Loth, I can't wait to see how much of my blogging I will get done by then and maybe I will start making some money by then as well.
I have to see how much money I have so I can pay my student loan and phone bill. Also, if I have enough left over I'm going to check out this massage exam website and see how that is.
Mark and I are doing really well (although I know at this point in time you don't care about this, I'm still going to write it). We have just been getting into the swing of things with his work and me trying to get all these notebooks done. I honestly can't wait until they are finished because oh my damn it will be an awesome sight to behold. I just can't wait until I can see that I've made all of these into books and they're all online as well in case anything happens to either copy.
Although my dad has been experiencing some side effects of this nerve blocking procedure that happened on Monday, he's been a lot better. I think all of this other stuff will go away soon and he will just continue to feel better. Although this is good news, I just can't believe all of the shit we have all been through between hospital stays, different issues, worries about pain meds, etc. So much stress over the well being of my dad and I'm so glad that something is being done finally.
I want so badly to know how things are going with you, besides all of this stuff about Mark. I hope that you can move to Indiana soon. You know, I don't know what Brian has against Bloomington, it's just a huge hippie town.
At any rate, I'm going to do what I need to for now and figure some stuff out about my bills so I can get all of that stress out of the way.
Love you,
Rita
11:24am
10:53am
Hey Chels,
So, it's now Thursday and we haven't spoken in almost a week, according to my phone. I sent you a text but you never responded so I have no idea if you even got it and frankly I'm kind of afraid to ask. I keep feeling as if I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what it is. The only thing I can think of is I'm being punished for following my heart. The thing I understand about friendships is that you feel so close to someone that you feel as if you're living vicariously through them, especially when it comes to the people they choose to surround themselves with. So I understand where you're coming from. But this is my path and I am the one who gets to say who stays and who goes. I'm never going to live up to your standards of how I'm living my life if you get mad at me for keeping certain people in my life. But I feel like it's not your place to decide, just like it's not mine to decide who you keep in your life. Please know that all these things that I'm saying I also turn around on myself in your life. I do want what's best for you but I can't make all your choices for you. I have to let you live your own life. If I'm lucky I will just be along for the ride.
I am hopeful that this will pass and we will be close like we were because I miss you. This just sucks for me. But in the end I want to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy so neither of us feel like we have to bite our tongue or that we have to keep a portion of our lives private. You were just saying how you were so glad we had no more secrets from each other. So this is why this whole thing is so surprising to me. At any rate...
I'm hoping I get a letter from you soon. All this suspense is killing me. But the good news is that I still get to tell you stuff, just has to be in here. So this is a recap of things you've missed:
Camping was a lot of fun. Although I miss Loth, I can't wait to see how much of my blogging I will get done by then and maybe I will start making some money by then as well.
I have to see how much money I have so I can pay my student loan and phone bill. Also, if I have enough left over I'm going to check out this massage exam website and see how that is.
Mark and I are doing really well (although I know at this point in time you don't care about this, I'm still going to write it). We have just been getting into the swing of things with his work and me trying to get all these notebooks done. I honestly can't wait until they are finished because oh my damn it will be an awesome sight to behold. I just can't wait until I can see that I've made all of these into books and they're all online as well in case anything happens to either copy.
Although my dad has been experiencing some side effects of this nerve blocking procedure that happened on Monday, he's been a lot better. I think all of this other stuff will go away soon and he will just continue to feel better. Although this is good news, I just can't believe all of the shit we have all been through between hospital stays, different issues, worries about pain meds, etc. So much stress over the well being of my dad and I'm so glad that something is being done finally.
I want so badly to know how things are going with you, besides all of this stuff about Mark. I hope that you can move to Indiana soon. You know, I don't know what Brian has against Bloomington, it's just a huge hippie town.
At any rate, I'm going to do what I need to for now and figure some stuff out about my bills so I can get all of that stress out of the way.
Love you,
Rita
11:24am
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