11:23pm
Hey Chels,
How's my lady doing? This week I am taking off from my usual stuff and just focusing on studying and my favorite things stuff. I have no idea why I let things get so backed up but I want to take this week out to catch up as much as I can so I can feel more caught up. Lol... I must sound like a crazy person, sorry.
So, I told you about Larry. I wanted to wait till we saw each other but just couldn't wait. So whatever. In a way I feel like a weight has been lifted but there's still the matter of what happens when we actually talk. I've wanted him for over a year, Chels. I have waited and waited, overlooked a LOT and put up with a lot of crap. But frankly, I don't care why he isn't talking to me. The fact is, he isn't. And he's just going to use some lame ass excuse and think he's going to get me back. But not because he actually wants to be with me, but just because he doesn't want to lose his window privileges. Well, I deserve better than that. I had a dating proposal from some guy today but I had to turn him down. He's another Loth guy and he lives in Ohio so right there it would be long distance and my friend Angel has a thing for him (even though she's married). They have never done anything to be ashamed of but they do have this connection that I know better than to get in the middle of. It was weird enough when I was dating Ryan, I don't want to put myself in that situation again. I found someone who I think of as a sister (besides you). There is no way I'd feel right about entering any sort of relationship with anyone she has any feelings for. She and her husband have a great marriage but she can't help her feelings and I know it's irrational and kind of selfish to claim someone you might never be with... But no. Not for me.
It still felt good to be asked, though lol. And Larry is a complete moron who I'm not even sure I want to be friends with at this point.
Oh, speaking of which, Mark texted me on Friday. We talked for a bit about what we were up to. But of course he made no mention of what happened. I think he's too ashamed of himself. And yes I will still talk to him because he's not perfect. In fact he is far from it. But he and I have never so much as kissed each other. I'm not particularly happy with him at the moment but I'm not gonna just write him off. He is just trying to get back on his feet. He knows things with Kristin are just physical (although I have no freaking idea why), and as long as he lives with her, he has to make her happy. If he has sex with her, he gets laid and a place to live. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying... It's probably how he knows to survive. At least I'm hoping that that's what this whole thing is about and not him actually wanting a relationship from her. I don't freaking know... it's his life and he can fuck it up any way he wants to but if he's going to put me in the middle of a shit sandwich I don't want anything to do with it. I just wish I had had a head's up about the whole thing, or at least had gone home when it was obvious nobody wanted to go to sleep besides me. Honestly, as long as I've known him he's been like this elusive butterfly, sniffing around all the girls but nobody seemed to catch him long enough to keep him. I don't know if I want to get mixed up in that or really face how I really feel about him. I think a part of me has always loved him, that's why it's so difficult for me to just cut him out of my life once and for all. I just hope we can bounce back from this and maybe one day just laugh at it. But still... wtf is he thinking having sex with a married woman whose husband is a Neanderthal? Granted.... he's stupid as all hell but I'm pretty sure the Ogre would beat Mark to death if he found any of this out. Not the smartest move there, buddy.
I can feel that this retreat will be beneficial to me for finding someone I can be happy with. But for now I'm done with just trying to fill a void. I don't need sex that bad without the connection with someone I care about behind it.
And on that note, I'm gonna tuck myself in and watch some YouTube videos before attempting to fall asleep in this oven of a room :/.
Love you!!
Rita
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