11:42pm
Hey Chels,
Wow it has been too damn long since I've written in here. First of all let me just say that I'm sorry about all the stuff you are going through right now. You deserve so much better than a druggie brother. Fucking asshole. I hope things work out because you deserve for them to.
So... The rest of my week was fucking crazy. Wednesday morning I texted Joe good morning and found out he was having issues with his car so I ended up taking him on his errand run before he had to go to work which worked out perfectly for me because as soon as I dropped him off I went straight home to pick up my dad to take him to the chiropractor. After that we went shopping and I got everything I tried but failed to get the day before due to the shitty weather. So... Thursday I had to take my mom to get her colonoscopy. Thankfully they only found 1 polyps as opposed to 4 which they found last time and 5 the time before that. So they got that out and she needs to call the doctor on Thursday for a follow up. I was going to get my dad to his podiatrist appointment but failed to because the snow got really bad. By this time I was just over it, so annoyed with everything that I just didn't want to deal with anything. And then Friday came. I had to take my dad to get his remicade treatment and let me tell you something. Ever since his favorite nurse, Lisa, left, that place has been going to shit. His IV started hurting because I could see that his meds were done so I kept pressing the buttons for the machine to stop. So after doing that about 3 times I was going to go to the bathroom and let the nurses deal with it. I was in the bathroom for 5 whole minutes (which when you're on the toilet is a long time). I could hear his machine beeping literally for at least 4 of those minutes. I finally got out of the bathroom and it literally took me all the way until I got there to see a nurse coming out of his room. Like... Really? Are you fucking kidding me with this? So, the whole rest of the day sucked my ass. I was trying to find movies that I couldn't check out at the library. I went to best buy and ended up hearing a pitch for direct tv and then went to Walmart and literally spent an hour trying to find these movies. I finally settled on Forgetting Sarah Marshall and couldn't even pay for it because I had my ID in the car. I was so pissed that I just left. Well, I bought an electric shaver and then left. Lol. So... Geoff wanted to go have sushi and see a movie but I said no because I was exhausted and still had stuff to do. I ended up taking a really nice bath and that made me feel better.
So... Saturday Joe came over. He got me roses and chocolates for Valentine's day which I thought was so sweet and then he helped me fix the roses up to put in a vase. It took him forever to get over here. He had to wait for his sushi to be ready (another reason why I didn't want it the night before) and also he got a late start because he went out the night before. So we had our lunch and watched some movies. He fell asleep during a couple of them, which was fine with me lol. But when he woke up... Some stuff happened lol. It was crazy... I was stripped down to just my underpants but he didn't want me to be naked because then he would be and then things would happen. So after a while we stopped and just snuggled and eventually fell asleep. Well, he fell asleep. I couldn't sleep because he was in my spot and I couldn't get comfy enough to pass out. So... This morning he wakes up I guess around 9am and wakes me up by kissing me. Then somehow my pants come off and just my shirt is on. I had thought of taking it off earlier but I didn't. So... Before I know it I am on top of him and he is inside me, which wasn't easy because he is big and I haven't had sex since... October? So... Yeah. But after a couple of minutes he stops and says that we shouldn't continue without a condom. I had just thrown mine away. The sad thing is, I bought them last March when Larry and I were starting out and I never got to use them because I would always forget and he never said anything and it wasn't until the last time that we even talked about birth control and he managed to screw things up... Again. And James and I never used them (I know!! I'm bad lol). We all have had the STD talks and all of that and every person I've been with has been clean (even Barry, shock). I've used condoms before, but not as often as I should. But it's not like I go out looking for sex and then not being safe. I like to stick to one person. Now, does that mean that that person likes to stick to me? I don't know. But anyways, so I was surprised but happy to oblige because you know... If he feels strongly enough to consciously make the effort to be responsible with my body then if he doesn't want to have sex without protection then fine. We are still just starting out anyway. But yeah... From what I felt, I could guess that he was big but it took some effort to get it in. I'm sorry if I'm being gross, lol. Once it was in though it was fine, it didn't hurt or anything. I dunno... I have been with enough guys now to know what works. So far no one has really disappointed me, well maybe except for Mike when he raped me but that's different. I just mean in the size department. I don't really care about that, anyway. Mostly I just care about what feels good and the connection I have with that person. I know I wanted to be in an actual relationship before having sex again. But you know... He's the closest thing I have to one right now and I would rather take things slowly then just jump in and screw things up already. And if that means waiting a while before having sex again then fine. Maybe it's better that way. But I'm gonna buy some more condoms anyway just to have them on me should something like that happen in the future.
Honestly I have no idea what's going to happen with Joe and me. But I'd rather take my time and establish a connection than muddle everything up. I think if we would have gone through with it without protection, it would have been muddled. Because the question would always be there, "what if someone got pregnant?" I don't want that kind of stress in the beginning of a relationship (or whatever this is, lol). And technically, neither of us were prepared for it because we didn't officially have "the" conversation that maybe we should have before it happens again.
At any rate, it's late and I'm fucking exhausted so I'm going to watch some YouTube videos and pass out. In a way, I'm happy for boy drama again. How fucked up is that? Lol.
Love,
Me
12:27am
2/11/2013
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