July 14th, 2013

July 14th, 2013
12:14pm

Hey Chels,
Ugh my life really fucking sucks right now. I get this message last night that Mark has been arrested. At first I thought it was him talking about Kristin's husband, whose name is also Mark. But then I realized it was Kristin telling me that MY Mark got arrested and she wouldn't say why, she just kept fighting with me over things that I said in a private conversation. Although I'm not sure how she figured out Mark's password to unlock his phone, but whatever. So, I stop answering her and then try and get to sleep. I do manage to sleep a little bit. But then this morning I got a message from her. She said that I was a victim because he had been talking to two other girls besides me and saying the exact same thing to them as he was saying to me. It really sucks because on the one hand, he and I go way back before anybody else. The thing I'm the most taken aback by is the fact that he hit her and she called the cops on him and got him arrested. I could either believe her, who has been mean and manipulative and crazy this whole time, or whenever he gets out of jail I could hear his side and decide what I want to do. Honestly though, if he really did hit her and if he's still talking to two other women after what happened between he and I, that is going to hurt but I can get over it. Not necessarily take him back or whatever. The thing that bothers me is the fact that her husband did the same thing to her but she got arrested and that's why she moved out and found a place on her own. But she still took him back and somewhere deep down I feel like Mark (my Mark) was defending himself and she called the police on him and this time her plan worked because he got arrested instead of her. And now it leaves room for her to plant seeds of doubt in my head. Because if she were really trying to protect her family, she wouldn't have been enabling him so much. She would have set ground rules and made him get some help and not brought alcohol into the house knowing full well what it would do. And if I were living with Kristin and all of this shit was happening and I felt all crazy I would drink too.

But this is so stupid... I feel like I could kick myself in the head for getting involved with another guy who doesn't have all his shit together, that drinks and is stuck in that loop, and who still has a monumental amount of crap to work through himself. At this point I feel like if I stay with him then this will be my life as well unless he himself got real help and showed me he could be the man I deserve. And it sucks because I've cared about him since I was 13. If I walked away I would feel like this would be a one night stand. So I really do not know what the fuck to do right now or what is going to happen. I know you would tell me that your instincts were right, that I wasn't the only girl he was talking to. But I feel like whatever happened before we got together doesn't matter because I was still waiting for Larry and I was talking to steve as well. And without seeing these conversations myself, I will never know if they happened before or after we got together. See how much garbage is in my head? I just do not know what to think, I can see all sides of it, see a million different outcomes. I feel like he was trying to tell me things, he was trying to be honest. And I'll give him that because it's more than I did. I am just... Ugh. His stories were all consistent, that's another reason why I believe him about certain things. Unless he just knows how to lie that well. And if things don't work out, at least I wasted a few weeks on him as opposed to a year or more. I just need time to figure things out in my own heart and head. There's a part of me that's always been weak when it comes to him to begin with, I believe that's what got me into this mess in the first place. And whenever we do talk again, I will probably believe what he tells me. I don't know if I will go right back to him or allow him in my house, but I will probably take whatever he says to heart. Just hurts to have to say goodbye to him, too. So far it's been: Monique, Sarah, James, Joe, and now Mark and Larry.  That's all in the past year. Since I went to that psychic. She told me that 2012 was nothing compared to 2013 for the people I'd have to say goodbye to. And she's been right. Sometimes I wish I could wrap my head around the idea of Geoff and me being more than friends. Maybe the answer has been right in front of my face this whole time and it really is him. But... There's this nagging feeling that tells me he's still out there somewhere. I just wish I knew where.

My one saving grace is that the goddess retreat is coming up in less than a month. I feel like this will be huge for me and hopefully by then the garbage in my head will have cleared up so I can allow for whatever else to come through. Ugh. I'm just not ready to leave Mark yet. Why'd he have to put his hands on Kristin anyway? I don't know if this is instinct or pure stupidity but I feel like she's more behind this than she's letting on. Because he was just telling me how she was getting violent with him. So... This is where I'm stuck. Meh.

Alright, enough obsessing for now. Love you,
Rita

12:51pm