8:49am
Hey sweets,
Happy Friday the 13th! I am up early because Mark had to leave for work and I can't fall back asleep. So I thought I would write. So, I thought of a realistic idea for my nbs I was fretting about yesterday. Every day I am going to write 5 pages in volume 12. Then I'm going to use the rest of the time to type up volume 2. That way I can work on both at once and it won't take freaking forever. I think I'm going to start today just to get things started. And then really focus on it when I get back from camping.
So... You don't approve of Mark. From the outside, I could see why. He has had a checkered past and he doesn't have all of his shit together. But you know what... This is something that I didn't want to put in the letter I wrote but I'm going to put it here. You are no stranger to drama. In fact you have told me on several occasions that you are sick of people blaming you for the drama happening to you and around you when it isn't your fault. But then there are things that happen that are your responsibility. I'm not going to go into examples, you know what those things are. Judging by your standards, I would have to cut you out of my life as well for being shitty to me. In fact I think a huge part of you was expecting that. You didn't have to tell me the truth, I already knew it. And I still love you anyway. I hate that you don't have even a little bit of faith in me. Yes, I am almost 31 years old. And I have been through a lot in my life. Especially when it comes to the men I choose to spend my time with. At this point I feel like a guy would have to be a prince in order for you to approve of him. You don't have to like who I'm with. But you do have to have faith that I know what is best for me. And that he makes me happy and treats me well. Mark hasn't always been perfect to me but he's the first person I haven't wanted to run away from in a long time. And it's not like I've been texting you, telling you all these things about how we fight and he treats me like shit and all this other stuff. I don't do that because it doesn't happen. I can't afford to let someone into my life I don't feel right about. And I feel right about him. I don't feel like you trust me enough to get rid of the people that you feel I should no longer converse with. And this is right before you wrote that you and Erin are talking again. I know Larry was a dick to me. Honestly, I don't feel very close to him at all. But you know, it's my life and I get to decide who stays and who goes. Just please from now on if I choose to have someone in my life don't treat me like I'm a 6 year old. I know what I'm doing and if I get hurt it's my doing. But it's not for you to say. I have known for a while that Jessica is a piece of crap friend but I'm not going to sit here and tell you I told you so. She's kind of doing that for me. But at the same time, it must really suck to not have any friends down there. That's how it was for me when I left but I hadn't grown up there. I feel like south Florida is such a joke when it comes to quality people. You have to really dig deep to find them. Everyone loves you... Until they do something shady and you react to it the way a normal person would and then bam you're the drama queen. I'm not sure why Florida is like this... Prolly the heat and too much money and boredom. I dunno.
At any rate, I still have to write about this retreat. I think what I'm going to do is make this my year in review and make a book that starts with the retreat last year and ends with this one. But I'm going to take the extra parts out and then put them back in when I get to the writing part so you have something to tide you over but this will be the extended version.
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