2:08am
Hey Chels,
Happy birthday to my cousin, Maddy!! She is 17 today. Holy shit. I can't believe it. Wow. But anyway...
Since this time change is still fucking with me, you get another letter before I go to bed. Aren't you lucky. Lol. So, today was a pretty mellow day. I gotta tell you, I cannot wait until it gets nicer outside. I miss being outside more than anything. I miss the sun feeling warm, just everything. And... I kind of made a decision about Joe. I still like him. Nothing has changed in that department. But... I'm just not going to try that hard. I'm not going to worry over things I can't control anyway and just see what happens. What I mean is... We haven't been talking as much lately. We still talk every day and I know he cares about me. But for whatever reason we just leave each other alone more unless we have something to say. Which is fine, we don't have to talk every minute, but at the same time it makes me wonder what is going on with him. But he's still acting the same so whatever. But what I mean is that it's not that I don't care anymore, I still do. But I could just see myself being up his ass trying to make conversation just so he will keep texting me because I have this idea in my head that if we're not texting every minute then something must be wrong. I could see myself doing that because for a little while I was like that. But... I've also been feeling like I need a break. Not from him but just... In general. From my phone. So I haven't been talking as much, either. Just been doing my own thing. I have no idea when I'm going to see him again but he did tell me that he'd make time for us so as far as I can see he's still in this, which makes me happy. I just don't want to get too attached, not yet at least.
So I just want to try and view things from a friend's perspective, just not expect much and see how far that takes me.
Oh and I just thought of something. Today last year, Larry and I had sex... And then things got weird. It was our second time and afterwards, things didn't feel the same and that's when he started to pull back. I hate that now I have to associate my cousin's birthday with that memory. I was just thinking today that if Larry was the way that Joe is now, I would be so happy. All I wanted was someone I could talk to all day about anything (not just sex) and someone who I could just kiss and not have to worry about anything else. I'm not saying I wish Joe was Larry. I'm just saying that I think it's funny that I found someone who actually does everything I've ever asked for when last year all I wanted was someone totally different. I still think sometimes of what if Larry and I finally got together but you know... He had his chance. It would take a very long time for me to trust him again in that respect to even think about anything with him. Even if Joe and I didn't work out and I was single for a while. The last thing I would need is to be so strong only to fall back into the same thing and then have the same thing happen again.
And it's not even that Joe has done anything wrong, all he's done has been honest with me. He might say things sometimes that might hit me a certain way but it's a total guy thing to say. He is a very polite and kind hearted person. He would do anything for someone he really cared about. But he's still a guy lol. I just hope I get to see him again soon because I really miss him. At least I know why he's unavailable and unlike Barry it's not to hide his heroin addiction :/.
Anyways, I'm gonna head to bed now. I love you!!
Rita
2:31am
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