12:34am
Hey Chels,
Wow, the last time I wrote was last week. And you know what? Mark never texted me and asked if I was okay or anything. I messaged him on fb a couple days after that and he talked to me for a little bit about stupid shit but aside from that, nobody said a damn word about it. So, whatever. I don't hate them but I am never going back there, at least not in the foreseeable future.
So, I have news. You would be so damn proud of me for this. I stopped talking to Tim altogether and turned the chat off so he can't see when I'm on Facebook. And also.... I locked my bedroom window. Yes, you heard me. I locked my window. So Larry can't sneak through. I don't remember if I wrote this in here (I could probably check but I'm too lazy) but a couple of weeks ago Larry came over at like 2am because he didn't have to work the next day. Well... It's been 2 weeks and in that time period I have only heard from him once. You know... I gave him another chance because I still had feelings for him. And now it's been a few months and absolutely nothing has come from it plus I feel like I'm just a piece of ass to him. I don't care what his excuse is. I'm finally done. As much as you hate this, he will always be in my life as a friend. But I am sick of this bullshit. I could understand last year because there were a bunch of things going on that I wasn't dealing with. But you know what... I've had feelings for him for over a year. I've tried to be with other people but that hasn't worked out. And now even though there is nothing else he still isn't even trying to really be with me. He has no problem crawling through my window at 2am to have sex with me but not actually try to make me his girlfriend. Fuck that noise. I finally made the decision to lock my window so he can't just come in and I haven't even bothered texting him, either. I don't really feel upset like I did at the beginning of the year. I just feel done. And I have no problem telling him so. And I'm going to tell him that he needs to let me go because it really isn't fair to me to tease me like that. Either he wants to be with me or he doesn't and at this point I don't even care. I mean is this how he treats women he wants to be with? God, I hope not. But no. I'm done with the free sex. I could handle it before when he was still talking to me but it's been 2 weeks and not a peep! No good morning or anything!! And I bet in the back of his mind he's thinking "I hope Rita isn't mad at me even though I haven't texted her in a while." but frankly.... Ugh.
So yeah. I'm really damn proud of myself because for so long I just wanted to be with him. I was willing to overlook the fact that we weren't talking about being in a relationship because we already talked like we were in one (guys think they're so slick with that move). Then he has sex with me and doesn't text me for nearly 2 weeks?!? After we have already been through this mess? No. I'm not going through it again. I don't know what his problem is exactly but I deserve so much better. And I'm not even looking for anyone else at this point, either. I just can't wait until the next time he texts me because that should be extremely interesting.
And Tim was supposed to get his girlfriend to talk to me like a week ago now and that never even happened. I think he gave up already which is just as well because I don't want to be anyone's side anything. The girl he texts at 3am when he's horny and his girl isn't with him but fuck if we are going to have a real conversation and get to know each other. What the fuck is it with these guys who think they can do whatever they want with me and to me? They think they can just fuck with my head and my heart and I'm just going to sit around with my thumb up my ass and wait around for them to pay attention to me? Umm that would be a no. If I just wanted someone to have sex with I'd go on one of these dating websites to see what I could find. But I feel like I wouldn't be happy with that. I feel like I'm finally sending out this signal that I'm beyond certain people and they're using it as a test to see how much they can get away with. But let me tell you... I have come too damn far to be a slave to a man ever again. From now on I'm doing what I want and I don't give a fuck if it suits anybody else. I don't care how someone might say he feels about me. If he's not showing it then his words are just words and I don't need that.
Oh... I wanted to write about this cool summer solstice ritual that I went to last Saturday. My friend Angel picked me up and we went to this lady's house that we met at Elf Fest this year (well I met, Angel had already met her). We sat around a circle with a blanket over our heads smelling this tea and we were supposed to ask a question. I asked if I was going to have a boyfriend this summer and I heard a big no. But I also heard that I need to start loving myself more and I need to do more for myself and appreciate this time I have to myself. Well, ever since that night, it was like a switch turned off in my head. I started turning my phone off pretty much all the time and not even worrying about who was texting me when for a while I was constantly attempting to talk to people even though I knew in my gut that it probably was not the best idea. So... That's why you haven't been hearing from me as much. It's nothing you did wrong, it's just this new phase of finally feeling incredibly free from my phone and constantly checking it and obsessing. I think that happened because I asked for peace and love and I got both of those things from within because I feel such a sense of peace from not caring who hasn't even bothered to text me in the past couple of weeks. And I stopped worrying about Tim because for a while I liked the attention even though I could feel that it was wrong. And I'm happier with that decision.
Alright, all that writing got me all riled up so I'm going to have to watch some more YouTube videos to get myself sleepy enough to get some sleep. I love you and I can't wait to tell you all of this in person!!! I know you will be proud to hear about my stand against stupid boys.
Love you,
Rita
1:08am
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