September 24th, 2013
10:05 pm
Hey Chels,
Holy fuck I am tired right now. But I have been wanting to write you all day. So... Before I left for Wild Magic I got this letter from you saying you disapproved of my relationship with Mark and then I wrote you back. While I was at Wild Magic I got this text from you saying how you were mad at my response. So we talked about it a little but haven't really spoken since then. I just feel like... I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know there are reasons that worry you about my choice in men. And I'm not saying that they don't have some validity. He's not perfect. But you know what, nobody is. From my point of view I just really hope that something good can come out of this. I don't want you to hate Mark. At least without a solid reason behind it. I wanted to know what was wrong because I wanted to make the situation better and not have to wait to find out what's wrong. But for you to not want to tell me in text tells me it must be a big hurt to you. But I didn't hide his past from you, I didn't hide the current situation from you and I never hid my relationship from you. So for you to go this long in knowing we were together not saying anything kind of makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong. I hope you understand that it was the situation that wasn't okay with me, not your feelings. You have the freedom to feel however you want to. I just hope I find out soon what exactly is up so I can realistically fix it.
So... Now that that's out of the way. Wild Magic. It was interesting to have Mark there, but I'm so glad that he was. It was so nice to have someone to snuggle with and be cute with. And he got along with everyone, especially Angel who feels the same if not moreso than you do about worrying about me. I'm not trying to say this in a "told you so" kind of capacity, I'm just saying that sometimes all you need to do is get to know a person first before deciding if they're good enough for your friend to be involved with. Btw... I'm sorry if all this is coming out all scattered and crazy. It's my first time writing in a while and I have a lot of things to say. So I'm trying to just get everything out. It's not so easy.
I just feel like you were personally attacking me when you said I was nearly 31. Like I can't make my own decisions or something. I felt like bringing up things you've done in your past that you aren't proud of that I stood by you for when everyone else turned their backs on you. But I didn't. I've never turned my back on you. I've never judged you or purposely made you feel bad for anything you've done. That's why I'm having a hard time with this whole thing. I don't want space. I want to know what the hell happened so I can make things better. But I know pushing will get me nowhere so I'm giving you space so you will tell me what the fuck is going on.
I think I'm not going to write about Loth until I feel more like myself and not so crazy over all this. Most importantly though, I do care about you. Your feelings are important to me and I value your opinions. You know this. We both have our own paths to follow and right now I feel like this is mine. But I have faith that I will eventually find out what happened and in time we will get this figured out. I just hope you're not over there staying mad at this issue and wasting time and precious energy obsessing over it. Because I promise you that no matter what you tell me the big problem is that you feel you need this much time for, the reality will be vastly different. And I just miss my friend. Mark really isn't that bad at all. He does a lot around here, hasn't drank at all in over 2 months (which is the longest he's been sober since before he moved back here) and he's doing what he can to make a life for himself. If he had more family support and if his family still lived around here he wouldn't have to stay with me. But I'm happy to have him here. I just wish you could see that. And I also wish that I will hear from you soon because like I said, I miss you.
Lol... As for Tim, this is what happened. He and Azisa came on Friday and we still had some spots open so they camped over by us. At first Tim kind of ignored me but I just think he didn't see me because when he did he gave me that winky head nod thing. Then it was just a bunch of looking and that nonsense. Friday night I admit that I was kind of obsessed over seeing if he would make it to dome. He did but nothing happened. I was feeling like crap and it was rainy so Mark and I went back to camp early. Next morning I find out that Tim made himself sick the night before by drinking too much (idiot). He wanted to go home but locked the keys in the car. I personally think he realized I was with someone and drank to make himself feel better and then got sick. But that's just my selfish side talking, lol. Anyway... There was a point on Saturday where there was a chair open by him so I just sat right down and sort of forced him to talk to me. Not meanly, just in a "you can't have me the way you want but I'm not going to let you off that easy by avoiding you, either" kind of way. So things just went on and that night we were at dome and it was cold but not rainy at all. I was sitting with Mark and I saw Tim standing a little ahead of me. He looked at me and gave me a smile that was more than just a friendly one. Like he was remembering our conversation about him taking me to dome and getting me drunk, etc. But then the moment was gone. Because I was with Mark. I seriously believe that if I had been alone, Tim would have definitely tried something besides more than just a secret smile. Which is so dirty considering he just had a baby with somebody. Ugh. Then after that, Mark and I went back to camp and surprise, Tim was there. So we all sat around and talked for a while and they got stoned together and that was pretty much it. Tim left the next morning and didn't even say goodbye. Which was kind of shitty but oh well. I contemplated saying something but decided against it. If I said something it would be continuing this little game. I want him to worry about Azisa and his baby and that's it. It sucks we can't have a real conversation but I didn't make it that way.
Anyways, I'm freaking exhausted. I want to curl up and watch some tv with my man. Love you.
Rita
10:54pm
No comments:
Post a Comment