1:24am
Hey Chels,
So... I just figured something out so of course I gotta put it in here before my head explodes. I didn't read your nbs yet but I did go through it and I saw pictures and stuff so it made me think that I miss getting actual pictures. So, I found a couple of programs (like Instagram but for windows phone) so I'm going to edit my pics and make a scrapbook. I got this idea a few years ago that I was going to make a scrapbook out of my friends' Facebook photos but that ended up being a lot of work. But... I thought I would try something like that this time but ONLY if I absolutely love the picture and it has to be a really good friend and someone that I've written about. And of course I will have tons of pics of me. And also, for the next poetry journal, I got this brilliant idea. I want to have one of those composition notebooks with the 3 subjects. Then I am going to decorate it with something cool like wrapping paper or something. And then I want to attach something inside so I can put stickers in there so if you need something to inspire you, I will put stickers with inspirational words on them and I'll even put poetry topics in there and write things that inspire me. Just don't take everything out at once. In fact... I might have a few different envelopes. One for stickers, one for poetry topics, and one for... Hmm... Not sure what I need it for lol. Oh my gosh I just got this idea now. And it's perfect. I'm going to buy a sketchbook and buy a smaller journal with lined pages. And then I'm going to either tape or glue the pages in and write on those pages only and then decorate the outer edge of the pages myself. So it'll be like another version of the photojournal I was going to make. So... already I have the Things I Am Thankful For journal (which I'm not starting until my trip to Elf Fest), the poetry journal, and now this. I'm hoping that my books will be done by then as I still have to get through 2 other journals and I have another journal to copy and then get back to you. So it might be another case of getting a whole heap of stuff all at the same time again but this time I know you don't care. I think next month I'm going to focus again on my nbs so I can get all of it done at a decent time. I know I have enough material to last me forever at this point so I'm not even sure when it will be before I get to live write again. But I started typing stuff out last August so... I have 8 months worth of stuff. I could probably make a book right now if I wanted but I need to edit stuff and I want to separate the volumes correctly. I still think that I am just going to end up leaving the other journals alone. I just don't have the time for them right now.
But anyway... This week has been crazy. I've been waiting for my period to get here since the 24th. I'm trying not to worry about it but my period hasn't been late in a long time. But every once in a while I guess it'll be late. I dunno. And another weird thing is that Larry has been talking to me kind of nonstop for the past couple of days (at least Thursday and Friday). I'm beginning to think that I really have no idea what to think about him anymore. I obviously still have feelings for him and would love to see things work out. But there's another part that just doesn't really care so much about what happens. I know there's other guys out there and either he will quit fucking around or he'll lose his chance for good this time. I can say right now that if I hadn't known him since high school I wouldn't be putting up with it now. Like if I didn't know him as well. And I get the Ryan Mac reference because I've tried to move on twice now and things haven't really worked. And he's always been sniffing around waiting for me to be single again and now that I am he's still not really showing me if he actually wants to be with me or not. But... I think things with Joe would have ended regardless, he just reminded me way too much of his brother. Talk about fucking weird. Meh.
I know that I'm in a better place now than I have been and I'm really okay with being alone for now. I know that Larry might never be the "be-all-end-all" guy for me and I'm fully okay with that. I will say that I've stopped punishing him, it really got old. For me, at least. I got tired of harping on the past and I wanted to see what things would be like if I just let it go. So far... He's doing slightly better than before so it's an improvement. Not perfect but... Oh well.
Oh, it was James's bday on Friday. I am kinda bummed that I didn't get to wish him a happy birthday but oh well. I still can't believe that he did what he did. When I asked him to be my boyfriend he said he didn't know because he felt like he could never feel like he was in love with me but apparently he was falling for me. Umm.... Riddle me that, Batman. I know you think he had something wrong with him and sometimes I thought so too. I think being in pain all of the time and being on different meds and being bipolar and everything is kinda nuts. But... For someone who claims to have no filter whatsoever and just says whatever is on his mind... Wouldn't he have said that he was falling for me if that's what was really on his mind? I don't fucking know. It's not even like I want to go back to him. There were some good things about him but there's a whole bunch of stuff that scared me enough to give up and I don't fuck around when it comes to my heart. Unless, apparently, when it comes to Larry lol.
Just sucks that he felt the need to tell me and then try and make me feel bad by telling me that I never gave him the chance. Well I kind of did, when I asked if you wanted to be my boyfriend!! Duh.
Alright. I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now. I love you and will write more soon.
Rbb
2:06am
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