12:23am
Hey Chels,
Well... This week has not been a very good one for you. You and Brian got into that fight (which I have yet to hear about), and things just keep on happening. I hope your dad is okay, I'm so sorry that he's in the hospital again :/. I hope he stays in until he's better this time. Sometimes I worry (and I'm sorry to bring this up) that your dad will be gone and then it'll just be you and Rory. And with the way your family treats you now, I know your dad is your one ally. I know it's something you've thought of too but you just never know how much time you have with someone.
I don't really have a point to that, just stupid rambling. I dunno what's been going on with me lately but I'm just having trouble forming sentences. It's annoying and frankly I can't stand it.
So... Today I got another letter saying I'm being summoned by the court because I missed one payment. I already sent them $100 and I just put the rest of it in the mailbox tonight so they should have all of their money by Wednesday. But I should still call and talk to someone. It's like they're anticipating me not having the money by the end of the month so they want me in court to garnish my wages. It's fucking annoying. I know I fucked up. My only excuse was that my dad was very sick and I got distracted with the stress of taking care of him. But I'm not going to have my wages garnished if I already paid the money way before the due date. So, I'm hoping I can get that squared away tomorrow.
Also, Larry and I talked today and somehow he got me to agree to hang out with him for a bit at his work. The only reason why I agreed (besides wanting to see him) was because I knew he'd have to behave because he's at work. Not like I think he's going to maul me or anything but when we are together... I dunno. But I do want to talk to him... I've just been thinking about stuff, especially this weekend. I decided that I need to stop bringing stuff up that happened in the past. Yes, it was shitty. But I also understand it. And I think the only way to move forward is to stop bringing stuff up that he's already apologized for. I am not saying I'm definitely 100% ready to be his girlfriend or anything, especially since he's never even asked me to be, but it's a step forward in the right direction. I think a big reason why I keep coming back to him is because in spite of everything that happened last year, I can still see us together. I dunno about getting married and all of that but we get along, we have fun, and we have chemistry. And we can talk about whatever. So... I think we would be good together. I think tomorrow I just want it to be a fun visit and not worry about the heavy stuff, though. Lol, maybe I'll ask him what his intentions are with me and see what he says.
Also, I think that I'm not freaking out as much as before because I know how he feels about me. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and all of that. What I want more than anything is to be able to spend a night with him. To just have a block of time where neither of us have to be anywhere and we can just be together and I can fall asleep in his arms. That's all I'm asking for. It just has to happen once and I will be happy.
Alright, now onto the heavy. I can't believe that whole Boston marathon bombing. Like seriously... I don't get how these things keep happening. And yet... It's what has always been happening in the history of the world. The one thing running through my mind is that the fact that there aren't any suspects yet means this guy (or team) had things planned out for a while and is probably getting off on all of the media attention. That's all anybody ever wants is media attention. It's just not a very productive way to go about it. You may disagree with this and don't get me wrong, I am deeply affected by this. But I just feel like this is farther proof that this physical life is only temporary. Yes, I'm saddened by the tragic loss of human lives thanks to some broken asshole who felt the need to do this. But I refuse to live my life in fear. It makes me sick to think you can't go anywhere nowadays without something happening. But that's just it. Yes, I'm sad, but I'm not going to stop doing the things that I love, that make me happy. Because when I die, I'd love my spirit to be fulfilled and at peace and if I knew that I was going to die, or even if I didn't, I could live with that.
I am going to die. One day. We all are. It's a fact of life. The thing to fear isn't death because I don't really believe in death as being a void of life. I believe it as being a transition into something different. That's not to say that I don't miss people or that people don't have a right to grieve the loss of a loved one. Having someone you love die sucks. Because for whatever reason, you're not on the same plane of existence anymore, and you never know when you'll get to see that person again. You just carry that person around with you until you do see them again. Everyone's journey is different.
Monique once told me that before you're born into this world, you make a contract with the universe and say what you want your "out" to be. Some people choose to go in groups. Some people choose to go alone. I'm not saying people choose to die in an explosion at the hands of some psycho. All I know is, I already know that when I die, I'm not going by anyone else's hand but my own. On my terms. I think to fully understand why things like this happen, you'd have to ask the person or people their views on death. Maybe the people who have died in tragic accidents knew something about their own morality that the rest of us don't. So it may seem horrible but maybe there was some kind of cosmic understanding.
I don't know. Like I said, you can choose to ignore me if you'd like. By all means, I am not saying there is no God or anything like that. Of course I believe in God. But to that end, I believe there is evil in this world as well. There has to be. There were people put on this earth to serve heaven, and also people put on this earth to serve hell. There has to be balance of good and bad. There is balance to everything. Even life and death.
Let me repeat myself. I am in no way condoning violence or by any means implying that any of these people "had it coming." I fully believe that this was the work of some fucked up individual who is probably holed up in some tin foil skin house getting off on watching all the media coverage. But whoever it was will have to pay his dues. Because that's just how things work. For him there is balance as well.
I just can't really get too sad about all of these tragedies. Yes, of course they are sad and usually senseless. And I'd like it if we could go a month without any fucked up shit happening. But like I said before, there are just so many things we don't know about the universe and everything.
Okay, I need to get going for now. I'm gonna watch some more Olga Kay and then go to sleep and wake up and hopefully sort out this shitty mess.
Love!
Me
1:12am
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