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So, as you know I had to bring Mark to this one. He had just gotten out of jail and it was either my house or back to Kristin's house. If he had picked her (Corbin), I think we would have already broken up because she would have dictated everything like she tried to do anyway. But anyway, my mom didn't want him staying in the house without me there so he came with me. I picked him up at 8am and we were on the road shortly afterward. Since Belvidere is an hour north, it took me an hour to get back to Elgin (9am) and then we were really on our way. I texted Angel that we were on our way but she wasn't even awake yet. So, about an hour later we passed these two smoke stacks and I thought to myself that we were close to her house. Then sometime later I had to pee so we stopped at a rest area. I thought for sure that I should bump into Angel and sure enough she was in her car. I nearly scared the shit out of her which was great because she's always one step ahead lol. So she met Mark at the rest area. Lol that's kind of funny, I think. Anyway so on the way there my car kept shaking but it got us there safely. We set up camp and then we went to Walmart. On the way back it started to downpour. When we got back it was horrible. It rained and rained and rained. And then it stopped and the rest of the weekend was completely dry. The first night, we sat on the stage in Lightning as Joy told the story of the Skeleton Woman. Then we got some time to ourselves to look through the book and answer some questions. Then it was time for the ritual. We all got let in one at a time and stood in a circle. We each got a cup of water which we filled up with our emotions and poured it back into the bowl, only to get another scoop after everyone was done and then we drank the water. Then we went outside on the patio and listened to another part of the story and then started drumming. The drum was supposed to be the woman's heartbeat. After that was finished, we did a sauna and shower to cleanse. But lots of people stayed behind to talk about sex, Aka my favorite subject lol.
Saturday was the wedding. First we made gaspachos and set them up by our altars. Then in the afternoon we had our ceremony. So I can say I'm married. Because I am married to myself. Later on, we had the gaspacho ceremony. I said goodbye to everything bad said about me and everything bad I let someone say about me. And I put intentions for healing towards Kristin. It felt great to turn my back on it and say goodbye. Ever since then I have come to the conclusion that she and I don't have to deal with each other at all. She has no reason to contact me. So when we got back, Mark and I texted her saying there's no reason to contact me and if she does it again we are filing a restraining order. Or a "formal complaint.". And it worked so far. So... It was a little weird for me to have a boy there, especially when I hadn't told anybody that I was seeing someone much less anything else. But he got along with everyone and he said the land helped him figure stuff out inside his own head. Although things have still been sort of rocky with Kristin, it's not nearly as bad as it was and he has a clear boundary up with her. I have no idea how long it will take for everything to be fully okay, maybe never. This is the first time she's had his son in her life but I'm not sure how long that's going to last because she and her husband both have criminal records, at least here. So come January they're either moving back to Idaho or he's ending up in jail.
But anyway... That's all I really have to say about this year's retreat. It wasn't as intense as last year, but I still got a lot out of it and I'm glad I went. In a way I'm glad I got to bring Mark with because if he was really awful someone would have been able to read that right away. Angel so far is the most concerned, but even she just wants me to be happy and we are so connected that if something were wrong or off, she'd be the first one pulling me aside. She asks how things are but that's as invasive as it goes. Yes I am saying this for your benefit, lol.
So... For now, Kristin isn't calling Mark 50 times a day guilt tripping him about seeing his kid,
He still has his job, she isn't bugging me, and Wild Magick is in 4 days. I absolutely need this week because I have been so stressed about my dad. And it's the last event until next year. Although it won't be the same without Carolyn and Ze there. Ze might come but she is having car problems so it looks like she might have to stay home and Loth just isn't the same without her. And I am unsure if Ronald will make it, either. And I have no idea if Azisa and Tim are going to be there. They have a new baby and they were excited about coming to Loth with the baby but there's lots of people getting mosquito-borne illnesses and I'm sure they don't want to chance it. I mean, I wouldn't. In a way I want to see Tim and face him, but I'm really okay if he won't be there. He basically stopped talking to me in June. And he never wanted to date me, just have sex with me and when we wasn't getting that far he just stopped talking. I am kind of disappointed because I did think of him as a friend, but it's so fake. So in a way I'm looking forward to wearing my little dresses and teasing the shit out of him because he will never ever have me. But it's less stress for me if I don't have to deal with him at all. So I guess we shall find out. I never wanted to do anything with him, I mean he is with someone who just had his
baby. And he was treating it as if life was just going to go on as usual. I thought it was really disrespectful to Azisa. And also unfair to me because she would get the best of him and I'd just be someone he hooked up with once in a while. And thanks but I know what I'm worth. He's someone I don't mind kicking out of my life at all.
So, it's 10am now. I'm gonna watch some YouTube videos and try and either wake up or fall back asleep for a while. Mark has work till 5 so I am going to try and focus on my stories today, because my writing group is tonight. I want to get a little farther in both of them. But we shall see what I have the energy for. Love you!
Rita
9:57am
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