2:01am
Hey bun,
Wow I suck at this. I swear that ever since Mark got here, I've been slacking on quite a few things. I'm sorry. First off, I am thinking of your lil man, Tobi. I'm so sorry that this happened to him and I hope he pulls through. I know he's your dad's little buddy. And I know that pit bulls aren't bad dogs. But maybe their owners are assholes sometimes. But still. I wish I could give you a huge hug and help take your mind off things or something. I love you and I'm sending your puppy love and light.
So... I know I still have to write about the retreat. And I will get to that. But, I am sleepy and just want to write about things that have been happening over here. Ever since the retreat, I've felt a lot better about Kristin. I still check her messages to Mark to see what she's saying but it's like... Most of the time he doesn't respond to her bullshit and he told her to stop texting me and if she doesn't I will be filing a formal complaint. And she hasn't spoken to me since. It's gotten to the point where she keeps pleading with him. "I thought we were friends," la de dah. I'm okay with him seeing his kid. I'd even be okay with driving him out there and leaving so he could stay over. I'm really okay with anything. But the thing I find the most stupid is that she keeps asking him to talk to her and why can't they talk and be friends and all this. And it's like... I'm willing to be civil towards her. But she is still of course refusing to acknowledge my existence. And that's fine for the most part but like... I have a schedule also. I take care of my dad and during the week I take care of stuff at home while my mom works. So I need a schedule I can work with. She is choosing not to think about me having a schedule or how that would effect Mark's visits. And he's trying to be mature about it and not say anything that would set her off. Like say "well Rita has a schedule too" or something. I'm glad for that because I don't need more drama. It's not even like I need to be there with him, it's just that if I need to drop him off somewhere or if her dad wants to pick him up, I need to make sure we are all there and not out and about on one of our excursions. And she's the one flipping out over it all. It's like... Ugh. So freaking frustrating to me. It's not even like we were best friends but we were always cool with each other. I haven't done one thing to her, she's just pissed that Mark chose me. But for one, she had her chance with him 12 years ago. They didn't even make it until Corbin was born. They got back from Florida and went their separate ways until she called him to say he had a son and that was it. And since then she's had 5 more kids and she's married. So... I'm not trying to come between friends but all of this silliness is so fucking stupid and I'm just done with it. I wish we could just have one conversation and move on with our lives. But she'd have to see that she is a moron for being this way and I'm pretty sure that just isn't going to happen. Ugh she reminds me of Lynne, for some reason.
So... Things over here seem to be going well. My mom invited Mark to dinner with my uncle and I just realized that Kristin invited Mark to something Corbin was involved in on the same day but he doesn't even know if he has to work that day or not anyways. I think tomorrow I'm going to remind him that he's free to come to dinner with us and maybe he can switch out a shift with someone or something. In all fairness, my mom did ask first.
I will be honest with you, though. This is the first time in a relationship that I haven't overanalyzed the shit out of everything but like... Right now as I'm writing this, I'm starting to a little bit. I know he loves me and we get along great but I think I have this compulsion to look through his phone because a part of me is looking for something legit to make me not trust him. Yeah, there is some stuff that's questionable but I bet if he looked on my phone he'd find stuff that was questionable as well. And I guess I just have this morbid curiosity to know what Kristin is saying. It's like, when you and I weren't friends and I snuck onto Brian's page and kept reading everything you were saying about me over and over again. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that they have a long and sordid history and a part of me worries sometimes that if he chose that once he'd choose it again, although I have no idea why after he's been with me. I need to stop this madness and just look at it for what it is. He felt so low about himself that the only people he felt comfortable with were people who have dramatic and fucked up lives. But like... Now he has a chance to be happy with somebody and get a legit job and stay sober and have a relationship with his kid. I can't make him choose all of that, but watching him everyday I see that there are parts that are a little self indulgent, but he hasn't touched one drop of alcohol. And it's not like I've been monitoring him, it's just that he knows what will happen once he drinks. And he never talks about missing it or wishing he could have just one beer and be okay. He's honest about where it's gotten him and now that all of this nonsense is finished, he's happy to have a chance at normalcy. I can't tell the future but I can say that I'm happy he's here and I feel good about having him meet my friends. That's a huge step.
I need to get going before my whole bed is taken over and I have to sleep in a ball on the floor. I love you!
Rita
2:38am
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