12:19pm
Hey Chels,
I'm so sorry I've been slacking with the writing for the past few weeks. Sometimes I just get sick of writing/worrying about the same stuff over and over again so I have been trying to sort stuff out in my head before coming here and writing everything down.
So... I've just been letting the whole Joe/Mike issue go for now. I've also been leaving Joe alone a lot more also just because I've noticed that in times of uncertainty I can get kind of clingy and I'm trying to change that. What I mean is, I've noticed that in the past I would think "oh no it's been 2 hours since we last talked I should text him with anything and we'll just be talking about nothing for a while but at least we're talking." in light of recent events, I'd feel better if our conversations were built on actual meaningful stuff and not having me worry about why he's not texting me. So I've just been leaving the issue alone for a bit and I've noticed that our conversations have been more meaningful. And I realized something else. As much as I like him, I don't want to make anyone be in a relationship with me. So if he and Mike can't work stuff out between them I'm just going to say "look. You know how I feel about you. But I'm not coming in between family. And I'm not going to force you to be with me. I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than make everyone hate each other." I don't think of it as giving up. Obviously I like him enough to stick by him and see what happens. But if Mike is going to be all crazy irrational I just don't want to deal with that. I've already let him into my life more than I would have liked because of Joe. But even I have my limits.
And you know, I've been thinking about what I said to you. About how if Joe knew that his brother wasn't going to be happy then why did he even start something in the first place? Well... I realized that I could get mad and blame this all on him. But I was a part of it too. We both talked about how we are single and have been for a while, how we're basically looking for the same things, and things just sort of evolved from there. We didn't want to ruin things by going too fast, we were there for each other in times of need, and we can talk about anything. And we just love spending time with each other. My favorite weekends are the ones when I get to see him and I don't even care if we have sex or not. But like... Try explaining that to some douchebag who had his chance and blew it 10 years ago and I can guess what his answer will be. Even though he said himself that he just wants me to be happy, I'm sure he didn't mean that I'd feel that way about Joe. Or that Joe would feel that way about me. Well, why the fuck not?? I am a catch. Lol. Is it so hard to believe that a straight male with a pulse wouldn't at least try to make things work with me? Not to sound conceited or anything lol.
So anyway... Enough of that. I am waiting for my tax return money so I can pay off my HSBC stuff and then get started on my dress making. I already decided that I'm going to do a few different styles and I can't wait to get started. I might check out the library and see what kind of books they have so I don't completely ruin everything lol. But I just can't wait to get started.
Well, I'm going to watch some Dawson's Creek and then do some studying. I have to play catch up because I missed a whole day already. Wouldn't have been my fault if the damn book wasn't on hold and already due but, whatever lol.
Love you!!
Rita Bo peep
12:41pm
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