1:00am
Hey Chels,
Ugh I feel like a big baby right now and I know exactly what my problem is. This whole weekend was crazy. Friday I was busy, then yesterday and today Joe was busy. I didn't hear from him at all today. I say hey at like 4:30 and it's 1am and I still have heard nothing back. I know he had a lot of stuff to do this weekend, but you know what? It would have been nice for him to send a good morning text or something. Now I feel like I'm chasing him if I send more than one text and I would feel like an even bigger idiot if I didn't hear back from him. Let me just say that I fucking hate this relationship shit. Oh wait no, it's not even that yet. I hate it because it takes so much for you to let someone in. And then they're in and then something like this happens and the first thing I want to do is say "fuck this shit, I'm done." now... He probably isn't thinking that at all. In his mind he probably had a long day yesterday and another really long day today and didn't text me for whatever reason. He probably wasn't doing it to be mean. But he's been ignoring his friends lately because he's been hanging out with me so it's whatever. But I've also been noticing that all this week I have been the one to say hi first. It makes me feel like I'm doing the work and I'm doing the chasing and I hate that. I know in a few months things between us will be different and it won't matter who texts who first in the morning. But for once I would like a guy who can text me in the morning. Like how fucking difficult is that? And you know... Of course I am freaking out. Because the last person I gave my heart to crushed it into a million pieces and then the couple I gave just a little bit to managed to screw things up as well. So... I dunno. Do I tell him that it would have been nice to hear from him? Or just let it go for now? What I am gonna do is just not worry about texting him until he texts me and I'm going to see how long it takes him and if he says anything about why he didn't answer me. Or just about how crazy busy he was or something. The truth is, we are still getting to know each other as the people we are now. So maybe this is him when he needs a break. And this is me when I feel pissed that I never heard from him even though he could take 2 seconds and answer someone on his Facebook. Ugh it's my own fault I feel this way. I let my guard down and now I'm feeling ignored and that makes me feel like I'm stupid because I let someone in and it's a whole big cycle. Even though I know I'm not stupid. I will probably hear from him tomorrow. I fucking better hear from him tomorrow, is all I have to say. Otherwise, I'm not dealing with him anymore. I'm not gonna put up with someone else who just leaves and never says anything after promising me twice that he wouldn't.
So... I've been thinking. About sex. I wanted to have a conversation with him about it before it happened but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. But I feel like I finally know what I want to say if it ever gets to that point. Okay so... One thing about me is that I don't have sex with someone I don't feel a connection with. With that being said, in the past year, I have had sex with 3 different people. One of them went to jail. The one after him kept disappearing and reappearing to have sex with me again and then left again. The last one was with someone I had a good feeling about and then he ruined it by telling me not to get serious about him. So... My biggest issue with sex is that the next time I feel that connection with someone (which I do with him even though he's an asshole right now) I want whatever is between us to be more solid. What I mean by that is if we are being intimate with each other, we are giving each other permission to feel however we want to feel about each other and also that one of us isn't going to just disappear. I want to know that whatever we have isn't just a friends with benefits type situation or that we're just fucking around. Cuz to me, it's not.
I dunno, I'm so confused right now. On the one hand I still feel the way I feel about him. But on the other hand, he couldn't even text me once today? WTF is that about? So... We will see what happens tomorrow. I want to see how long it takes him to text me or if I have to cave in and text him first. I'm going to give him until my dad's doctor appointment is over and I'm home before turning my phone on and seeing if he texted or called me. And if he didn't... I'm going to be pissed. Because you know what... For whatever reason, he sought me out. I feel like he's the one who started this. But if he's just going to get busy and ignore me, I really don't need this. I can and have done just fine on my own. So... We'll see.
Love you,
Rita
1:31am
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