March 9th, 2013

march 9th, 2013
1:32am

Hey Chels,
I hope you are feeling a little better. I'm sorry that you're so sick :/. I think you do not handle stress well. But anyway... Today is the crazy show. In my head. I dunno... Here is the situation.

So... Joe and I had this conversation today. It was about sex. He said that he doesn't really care about it. I guess snuggling is number 1 for him and sex he could take or leave. I get it, I mean, I've been put through the ringer with these guys who screw with my head and here's a guy who actually doesn't mind just cuddling. But like... To me sex isn't just physical. To me it's about connecting with someone I really like and trust a whole lot. I did say that I didn't want to have sex again until I was in an actual relationship... And then he was talking about how he doesn't want to be put in another situation where he stays in the relationship just for the sex. And I get that completely. But I do want to be with someone who enjoys sex, at least with me, you know? I dunno. My mind is in a lot of places at once. The runner in me wants to say 'fuck this' and find someone else or even just shut down again. Cuz like... He gets me to open up a little and then he throws something like this at me. But then there's another part that just enjoys being with him and wants to see if we have a shot at something more meaningful. If we could have a great time together and get along and have that connection also, that would be great. To me it would be ideal. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk. He keeps telling me how he wants to move away again to another state and now this. He knows that I am close with my family. I have no idea if that would actually happen but it would hurt me if we got closer and then he just leaves. I just dunno. I dunno if I can deal with someone who is this disconnected that he's okay with just leaving. A part of me is feeling like why did he even start anything when he knows how he is. I'm a good girl. I've been through a lot. I'm just looking for someone who is a good guy. And then today happened. I was beginning to feel like I could get close to him but I dunno now.
And then there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to shut down just yet. I don't want our relationship to be just about sex, either. It's only been like 2 months since we started talking and hanging out, and we have fun together regardless of what happens between us. I get that he doesn't want to screw things up and he's trying to have something meaningful. But also he has to realize that my heart is on the line, too. I just don't know if I want to stick around or not. I feel like it's the whole James thing all over again, in a way. Except he was much more of a complete moron than anything else. Joe is at least trying to be upfront and honest with me. I'm just not sure why he'd bother trying anything with me if he knows how he is. But I think also that he's gotten bored because he hasn't really felt a connection with anyone that he's been with and he put too much emphasis on the sex aspect of the relationship and not much else. Because people (me included) do that. I can't tell you how many times I've complained over some asshole over and over yet did nothing about it. And it's not even that I'm desperate for sex. That just makes it worse because I do feel like I have a connection with someone and then bam it blows up in my face. I guess the only way to find out anything for sure is to just see what happens. But also I don't want to be the one that tries too hard to get someone to get their head out of their ass. If he's going to be stupid and break up with me then fine. That's his problem. I will just continue doing my own thing and see how that goes.

On another note: Geoff is a fucking moron. He last me last night what I was doing tonight and if I wanted to do anything. I said I would have to see how my dad was doing. He had a pretty good day and then Geoff started talking about sushi and then I asked if he wanted to get some and he said no. So, essentially he blew me off for a hockey game. Which I heard about on his Facebook. He was just going on about sushi for like half an hour before he said anything. So I just went out by myself.  And tomorrow I'm busy all day and Sunday I was going to see a movie with Joe but fuck that. I think I'm just going to relax and catch up on some more reading. Fuck all these stupid boys. I'm out lol.

Love you,
Rita

2:00am