9:07am
Hey Chels!!
It has been a while since I've written to you. I felt like I had a week's worth of stuff to catch up on before I could decompress and relax enough to write. So... Elf Fest was freaking awesome. I had to take a lot of pictures down because people kept telling me different people didn't want their pictures up but I am going to put all the pictures in my Walgreens account so you can see them. So there. Lol. So... The experience as a whole was awesome. There were tons of people all squatted around different areas, so many new people in our camp, and so many new people to meet. Apparently I "met" someone, which I already told you about. But the thing is, I didn't even guess that that's what he was up to. My friend Angel says I should take it as the highest compliment of all. Honestly though, he seems to think that something is going to happen between us. I never said I would do anything with him. I mean, I didn't tell him to fuck off either, but I dunno. If it gets to be too much I might have to. He has no idea how much tolerance I have, but also how I can turn it around if pushed too far. I would like to be friends with him, mainly because I don't want there to be any hard feelings or awkwardness the next time we meet. It might be for wild magick this year or it might not be until next year because he has a girlfriend who is pregnant and is due in august. So who knows. The funny thing is, she's okay with how he feels about me. The only person who isn't okay with it is me. I mean I am flattered. But nothing is going to happen and he needs to realize that. But at the same time I have to admit that I am enjoying the attention. It's not like I need someone else to tell me all of the surface reasons of why I'm amazing, but it's just nice to hear. I already know why I'm amazing, lol. I mean, not in a conceited, entitled kind of way. I think that every woman is amazing in her own way. Especially you!!! But you get what I mean.
On the other hand, aside from all that he is a nice person and I didn't feel like I had to hide (Loth is the only place that I feel the most like myself so anyone who is going to see me is going to see the real me even more than everyone else). I don't know. I'm hoping that if I leave him alone enough eventually he'll get bored with me and move on so we can at least be friends at Loth and I don't have to shut him down. It's funny, I can actually picture my face if he had told me how he felt in person. Let's just say it would not have gone over well. I'm glad he didn't have a chance to tell me until afterwards. I am not saying he's horrible, I could just see the uncomfortableness of the situation so clearly. I saw how he was with his girlfriend. I could feel how much they felt about each other. So I'm pretty sure if he had told me that he was into me it would have resulted in me getting really panicky and then trying to get away. If I had gone to thunder that night I would have been stuck there because it was raining all night. As it was I was stuck in my tent, which sucked. But.... That was just a small portion of my trip. Every morning was spent around a campfire, seeing people as they just wake up in the morning, telling stories and shooting the breeze. There were so many things to take pictures of. I believe I took clear over 300 pictures. I'm so happy that my camera didn't die on me. Also, I bought some pretty cool stuff. I guess I could take pictures of what I bought and put them in the nb. That would be nice, huh lol. It rained a lot, but it didn't stop anyone from doing what they wanted. I've heard from multiple people that at other fests they've been to, that the moment it rains, everyone is in their tents. But here, people wanted to dance or sit under tarps and talk. I think the rain brought everyone closer together. Aside from Tim having a crush on me (which I didn't know about until afterwards), I felt like he was a good addition to our group and now that I look back on it he was always sitting by me lol. But I thought it was because we were camped together so I was just a familiar face in a circle filled with strangers. But oh well. There was a ritual on Friday that this native American lady put together and I prayed for healing for you. So if you felt a burst of something on Friday night, that's what it was.
I really felt connected to the land this time in a way that I haven't been yet. I just walked barefoot for the first couple of days and I think that set the tone of grounding me enough. I didn't even feel a little shy when I got up to dance around the fire. I did have a karaoke incident, though. The guy running it has a thing for Angel (like who doesn't, lol). He said something about her ass and she said something like he was never going to get it and he threw a fit and turned my mic off. I asked him to turn it on and he said it was even though I had just talked into the mic and couldn't hear anything. So I started singing and someone yelled, "turn her mic on!" I knew it was off. Jerk.
That was really the only bad experience that happened there. That and there was some spirit in the bathrooms that kept blowing the candles out and leaving the toilet seats up to get the place nice and stinky. The first time it happened, I just noticed all the lights were out but I didn't notice anything else until the next morning when Angel and Scott mentioned it. So the next time I saw the lights blown out, my radar immediately went up and I got Scott and he had to shoo the thing out more than once.
Okay.... Before I say anything else, I need to get this off my chest. I'm almost done reading your nb and I have to say that you beat yourself up way too much. I know I said this in my comment section, but I feel like it's right to share it here as well. I know you. I know how you type. I also know that David isn't that smart. He is a lot of things, but smart isn't one of them. If I had really not wanted you in my life, you wouldn't be in it. Do you really think that I would kick you out of my life if I really thought it was you and still wanted to keep you?
I have friends. I even have close friends. But I have never felt a connection with any of my friends the way I feel it with you. That's not a pick up line or anything, lol. But we are so connected that we are parts of one another. We feel each other's emotions so strongly as if they are our own. When we didn't speak, it killed me. I couldn't let go because it felt like a part of me had died inside when I lost you. Yes, I was betrayed at the time. But I betrayed you as well when I didn't say anything about Ryan and I still talking. I wanted to, but things were in such a weird place already. But when confronted with the truth I felt like lying would be worse because by then I was starting to fall for him.
But you were understandably hurt. You acted out of hurt and anger. Which is human. But also, I could feel how much you hurt and how much of that hurt was caused by me. So you see, it's not like you were the only one in the wrong here. I appreciate you wanting me to be happy but I know that didn't come until later. But I don't blame you one bit for any of our fights. I guess I loved Ryan but I was still so broken that I protected my heart a lot. And when I was slowly healing and getting better I stopped needing him as much and I pulled away and he resented that. If he was really a stand up guy, he wouldn't have cared either way if you and I were talking again. He just wanted to control me and didn't like it when he couldn't. So I think my whole purpose in dating him was so you could get over him. Which worked. Lol.
But my whole point is that I love you and you are my sister. You're my family, a part of me. When I think about you, I know that there must be a life after this one, as well as lives before because our souls recognize each other. That's why we understand each other the way we do. And during our bad times, we still felt and understood each other. Ugh I hope I am not creeping you out now, lol. I'm not trying to be creepy, I promise!!
But you see, that is why I love you and will always be there for you. I just hope you can forgive yourself because I see how much the guilt has effected you and I wish I could give you a huge hug through the nb and tell you that I'm still here and I love you and there's nothing to forgive!! I just think that you've lived with that secret since 2009 so about 4 years.... Wow. That's too long. But I'm proud of you for finally saying the truth. ::hugs!!::::
So, the notebooks. This is what I think is going to happen:
Volume 1-type up, keep book, send original to you**
Volume 2-same**
Volume 3-same**
Volume 4-type up, keep original, send book to you**
Volume 5-keep book
Volume 6-keep book
Volume 7-make copy of book for you
Volume 8-we both already have this one
Volume 9-type up, keep book, send original to you
Volume 10-we already have
Volume 11 (originally volume 13, oops)-type up, send original to you
Volume 12-write out (already typed up), keep book, send original to you
Volume 13 (the real one)- you are still working on
Volume 14-still waiting for me to work on.
So... As of 2013 and 2 years of not making books, we still have done pretty well. We started in 2006 so that's roughly 2 books a year. Because we are both doing our own throughout the year so yeah. Even when we both felt uninspired. It's still a lot. Oh... And I am putting together all of the poetry from all our notebooks in one book and am making us both a copy :D. I have no idea when I will be done with any of this, but I really hope I get to see you at the end of this month!!! That is so exciting.
Anyway, I have written quite a lot and I'm sure there will be more and I have to start getting up and wake my turtle up. I love you and please stop beating yourself up!!!!
Love,
Me
10:10am
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